Boyfriend dropped big news

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend shared some big news with me that has me questioning how we move forward. He has a brother who lives out of state who is autistic. I’ve never met him before. My boyfriend shared that after their parents pass away he plans to have his brother move in with him forever after. His brother is currently going to court on charges of having sexual relations with a minor. The girl accusing was 14 and his brother was 19 at the time.

Boyfriend and I have talked about having a future together, but I cannot see myself living with his brother. What are your thoughts on this?

[Anonymous]

He's told you his obligations and you get to decide. If you want to move on, then do so. Do not say you are okay with it and then try to make him change his mind later.

[Anonymous]

It's sad, but especially if you want to have kids, given his criminal history that's going to be a deal breaker. Boyfriend isn't a bad person for wanting to care for his brother but realistically it's going to come at a sacrifice for his own family.

[Anonymous]

Better you know now than after you’re married with kids.

[Anonymous]

He's good to have told you. You get to decide based on these facts. Don't plan on changing his mind. Decide if you can see a life with him and his brother living in the same house.

[Anonymous]

You accept, accept with conditions or don’t. If you plan on staying and havinng kids, you research the trial regardless of outcome and you make appropriate no contact conditions very clear.

Sounds like in the situation the best solution would be for your FBIL to move nearby but not in with you. That way your BF can take care of him as needed, he is an “arm’s length” away from you and future kids.

Do not make an ultimatum. Tell BF your concerns and thoughts. Don’t allow for questioning. Let him make his statement/decision, you make your decision based on that.

If he doesn’t prioritize your mental and physical safety you don’t want to be married to him.

[Anonymous]

Make a list of all the issues in how you feel about them.

Note your priorities and their weights. Be honest and firm.

For example, you might decide that having kids is a 10/10, and having the brother NOT live in your house is also 10/10,
and being with your man is 8/10

Honestly, this guy or his future wife or his brother is cooked. He may decide to set his brother up in a halfway house type like place. But that's for him to lead, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad, but especially if you want to have kids, given his criminal history that's going to be a deal breaker. Boyfriend isn't a bad person for wanting to care for his brother but realistically it's going to come at a sacrifice for his own family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is your boyfriend quite young? It's common for younger adults to make grand plans like this. Less common for older adults with more life experience.

You need to tell him right now that his decision will make it impossible for him to live with a woman, because no woman will want to live with this situation. Your boyfriend obviously hasn't thought of all the implications of his plan. He might not change his mind right now... but he is bound to change his mind at some point. Perhaps not for you, but for another woman.

Also, if your boyfriend is generally stubborn with some odd notions, it's quite likely he's high-functioning autistic as well. Please note that autism runs in families, and with his brother's diagnosis (and perhaps his own), any child you might have with your boyfriend has a higher chance of having autism as well.

- spouse and parent of high-functioning autistic people.

[Anonymous]

Best case scenario is that the sexual relations was a humnaly but it legally consensual act that was a terrible decision, and I hope it was something like a grope and not a full on rape. And maybe the brother manages to meet an adult in a compatible life, and they pair off and your brother provides loos supervision.

But not necessarily likely.

How autistic is this?
Verbal?
Able to hold a basic job? Professional job?
Prone to violence or just extremely awkward and irresponsible around children?

[Anonymous]

You shared you can't see yourself living with his brother + those legal charges.

It's a no.

[Anonymous]

I would say goodbye to him. I know my limits, and living with an autistic brother is beyond my scope.

[Anonymous]

His dedication to family and to a brother with challenges, is admirable. That makes him, potentially, a better than average life partner prospect. That said, I’m a very private person who is easily overwhelmed by people and I would not want to live with someone’s brother—this particular brother’s issues aside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best case scenario is that the sexual relations was a humnaly but it legally consensual act that was a terrible decision, and I hope it was something like a grope and not a full on rape. And maybe the brother manages to meet an adult in a compatible life, and they pair off and your brother provides loos supervision.

But not necessarily likely.

How autistic is this?
Verbal?
Able to hold a basic job? Professional job?
Prone to violence or just extremely awkward and irresponsible around children?

OP here. Boyfriend said that the autism brings significant impairments to his brother. That it is hard for him to stay employed and he is not able to make enough money to care for himself. he requires supervision due to poor decision making. He’s never lived alone, only with their parents.

To answer an earlier question boyfriend is 35.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH has a brother with serious psychiatric problems. He has a history of violence and volatility. Early in our relationship I asked DH (then boyfriend) if he ever planned to have his brother live with him. He said emphatically no, and that I should never even answer the door if he showed up at his apartment. Had he said yes, I would have ended the relationship immediately. Everyone is entitled to boundaries. It is fine if yours include not living with (or having your future children) live with someone who has sex with minors or other is seriously disruptive to a domestic environment. Please move on now rather than taking this on for the rest of your life.