Boyfriend dropped big news

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To the people who derailed my thread, you suck. I can here for advice and it’s hard for me to sift through your back and fourth to find it.

You don’t want to read all of the responses to the thread you started? Mmmkkkaaayyyy

Dp, but there were multiple people who only posted to argue with other posters, who actually gave advice and opinions, just because they didn't like it. Some people just like to read their own words and added no value. Pointless.

Completely disagree. Also, this is how threads on DCUM go. Deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just going to clear up the charges here. It does not matter if the sex was consensual or if the man is impaired. It's the age difference, and that is second degree rape. You can call it what you want...pedophilia ( which considering the circumstances it probably is not..in fact the 14 year old may have been the perp and aggressor..we don't know how impaired the brother is), but the facts remain that he commited a felony. He will be considered a sexual predator living in your home.

It's amazing how you can write an entire paragraph and virtually none of it is factual.

All of it is factual. Learn the law, my friend.

Haha ok but your first! My friend. Second degree rape is not the same as statutory rape and is not the same sexual abuse of any degree against a minor. You can’t call it what you want. You have to call it what it is!

Nope. It is called 2nd degree, even in statutory rape. You can look this up easily, no need to argue with strangers online. You just can't make up what you'd like it to be.

Which state for starters 🙄🙄🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To the people who derailed my thread, you suck. I can here for advice and it’s hard for me to sift through your back and fourth to find it.

You don’t want to read all of the responses to the thread you started? Mmmkkkaaayyyy

Dp, but there were multiple people who only posted to argue with other posters, who actually gave advice and opinions, just because they didn't like it. Some people just like to read their own words and added no value. Pointless.

Completely disagree. Also, this is how threads on DCUM go. Deal with it.

You "disagreeing" with this completely rational post is just further derailing the thread. Try helping the OP instead of picking random people on the internet to argue with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only way it might work imo is if you have a house and an accessory dwelling guesthouse for BIL. Can he make his own meals? Or does he eat with family?

He needs 24/7 supervision.

[Anonymous]

Leave, OP. Even if the brother wasn’t a sex offender, do you want to live with a third person? And you’ll have to help look after him. What will vacations be like? Can he be left alone for nights out or weekends away? Your boyfriend is a very good person, but that’s a lot to take on. Personally I’d leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. To the people who derailed my thread, you suck. I can here for advice and it’s hard for me to sift through your back and fourth to find it.

You don’t want to read all of the responses to the thread you started? Mmmkkkaaayyyy

Dp, but there were multiple people who only posted to argue with other posters, who actually gave advice and opinions, just because they didn't like it. Some people just like to read their own words and added no value. Pointless.

Completely disagree. Also, this is how threads on DCUM go. Deal with it.

You "disagreeing" with this completely rational post is just further derailing the thread. Try helping the OP instead of picking random people on the internet to argue with.

Who says I didn’t. She is just too lazy to read all of the responses. If she wants to control the thread don’t post on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He could be a charismatic easy going guy I enjoy spending time with a clean record full of doing good in the world.

I still wouldn't want to plan on living my life with another adult that is not my significant other. Nevermind the man's issues, do you want to have a permanent roommate?

This is buried under the statutory rape talk, but I am with you here. No interest in being in a marriage of 3.

Besides the sexual assault what really stands out to me is "requires 24/7 care." That is tremendous. Who is going to do that? Sounds like the parents are retired, but what happens 5 years from now when he moves in? Someone quits their job? Who does that?

This family needs to get their act together with some plans FAST.

I wouldn't stay with him unless he could come back with a detailed plan for his brother that did not include him living with you. I do feel for this guy, because he is clearly trying to be a good person, but he's also asking for something pretty unreasonable and, in doing so, probably setting himself up for life as a bachelor beholden to caring for his brother. He (and his parents?!) should want more for him than that.

[Anonymous]

OP this thread has gone kind of off track with the distraction of the sex offender stuff- (I'm not saying it doesn't matter- but its not the only issue here and its hard to know how big of an issue it is without more details, that OP both probably doesn't have and doesn't want to share.)
OP- I was faced with a somewhat similar situation before I married my now DH. He has a sibling that is severely disabled and requires family care. I did take some time to think hard about whether or not I really wanted to take this on. Basically I decided no I didn't, but I loved DH enough that I would do it. About 3 years ago it did come to the point where we had to move the sibling in with us- after several years of attempting to manage care with sibling not living with us. I have actually vented about this situation numerous times on DCUM, although typically not in this forum. I still think DH is worth it- but caring for a sibling is a burden. I would not consider it without having met the sibling, and spent some significant time with the sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only way it might work imo is if you have a house and an accessory dwelling guesthouse for BIL. Can he make his own meals? Or does he eat with family?

He needs 24/7 supervision.

How will you provide this if you both work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move on, OP.

This!!!!

[Anonymous]

I actually think it is admirable that he plans to take care of his brother.

Imagine one day if you had children and one had a disability. Wouldn’t you want the sibling to step up after you pass away?

I have a friend with 3 kids, one being severely disabled. Her other two children know they will likely be the ones to care for the disabled sibling. While it doesn’t seem fair, they love the disabled sibling. Their whole family life revolves around this sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is admirable that he plans to take care of his brother.

Imagine one day if you had children and one had a disability. Wouldn’t you want the sibling to step up after you pass away?

I have a friend with 3 kids, one being severely disabled. Her other two children know they will likely be the ones to care for the disabled sibling. While it doesn’t seem fair, they love the disabled sibling. Their whole family life revolves around this sibling.

I wouldn’t.

As the parent, it’s my job to ensure there is care for that sibling after I’m gone. I absolutely would not expect my other children to sacrifice their own happiness to care for a sibling they never asked for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only way it might work imo is if you have a house and an accessory dwelling guesthouse for BIL. Can he make his own meals? Or does he eat with family?

He needs 24/7 supervision.

How will you provide this if you both work?

DP. This, above! This was a response to his need for 24/7 supervision.

All the other issues aside, the idea of someone who needs 24/7 supervision will profoundly affect your married life. If you married your BF and brother comes to live with you and you and DH both work: You will have to pay (and it is BIG $$ over time) for a caregiver to be with him every minute you and/or DH aren't there. It will eat your funds in a huge way. Or you or DH will have to give up work. Or try to work from home, but that might not even be doable in your professions. Oh, and you and DH would never get to do things like travel (not without spending a vast amount on brother having caregivers in your home 24/7 while you're away). And all this is not even getting into the issue of raising a child or children in this household which would revolve around their uncle, forever. I am not heartless but frankly the parents and your boyfriend should long, long ago have worked with social services agencies etc. to deal with all this. And it sounds like they have not, and will not. (Not that it's easy!)

If you want your marriage to be about you and your husband and the family you build together, this is likely not the husband for you. It would be, like someone else said above, a marriage of three. You'll get huffed and puffed at by "family first always!" posters here, but you have every right to see this as a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is admirable that he plans to take care of his brother.

Imagine one day if you had children and one had a disability. Wouldn’t you want the sibling to step up after you pass away?

I have a friend with 3 kids, one being severely disabled. Her other two children know they will likely be the ones to care for the disabled sibling. While it doesn’t seem fair, they love the disabled sibling. Their whole family life revolves around this sibling.

I wouldn’t.

As the parent, it’s my job to ensure there is care for that sibling after I’m gone. I absolutely would not expect my other children to sacrifice their own happiness to care for a sibling they never asked for.

How privileged and high and mighty of you. There is NOTHING wrong with taking care of your disabled brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is admirable that he plans to take care of his brother.

Imagine one day if you had children and one had a disability. Wouldn’t you want the sibling to step up after you pass away?

I have a friend with 3 kids, one being severely disabled. Her other two children know they will likely be the ones to care for the disabled sibling. While it doesn’t seem fair, they love the disabled sibling. Their whole family life revolves around this sibling.

I wouldn’t.

As the parent, it’s my job to ensure there is care for that sibling after I’m gone. I absolutely would not expect my other children to sacrifice their own happiness to care for a sibling they never asked for.

How privileged and high and mighty of you. There is NOTHING wrong with taking care of your disabled brother.

Nobody said that’s wrong.

But it is 100% wrong for parents’ to place that burden on their other children if the children don’t want it.

It needs to be “if you want to, that’s your choice, but if not, we have another plan in place so you don’t have to”.