When I try to build a closer relationship with sibling, he distances himself

[Anonymous]

I adore my brother and I always thought we were close.

He often calls me, especially when he’s upset, to ask for advice and to vent. He usually calls me once or twice a week and we text in between too.

But for YEARS now, I’ve tried to have a closer relationship with him. I’ve traveled to his city to visit (stayed in a hotel), and in a 4 day visit he only saw me once for 2 hours

I’ve invited him to visit me, offered to cover all of his costs for him and his spouse. Or to meet him somewhere. Ive literally told him that I will make whatever date works for him work for me. He will never commit to plans.

Right now, I have a sick kid. Like, he could die. The survival rate over 5 years is 50%. He’s 5 years old. He’s only met my brother once. I want my brother to know him. I want my son to know his uncle. I’ve shared with my brother the situation with my son and he knows it’s serious. And my brother still won’t commit to a visit, and when I tried to press him (gently), he’s now avoiding my calls and texts entirely.

I get that I can’t force my brother to do anything. I just don’t get why his availability is so limited. It seems like he enjoys our phone based relationship but when I try to make it be more, he experiences it as pressure/obligation/stress and shuts down. I’ve only seen him 2 times in 5 years, and I rarely call him. I let him set the pace and meet me where he is. I’m just sad that it’s so limited.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

[Anonymous]

Like the PP’s situation— it sounds like maybe his wife doesn’t like you.

But also, you don’t mention your parents and things like holiday gatherings with them, so is there some family issue/trauma concerning them? Bc that could also explain why he won’t engage.

[Anonymous]

Some people and, especially men, can't deal with death. He doesn't want the pain of knowing and losing your son.

But also some people just suck. My brother hasn't ever visited me in 40 years and he didn't attend my wedding.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he enjoys what he gets out of your relationship and is not interested in what he can give.

Though you want more, he doesn’t, and isn’t going to give it, sick kid or not. I’m sorry, it’s hard when family can’t be there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people and, especially men, can't deal with death. He doesn't want the pain of knowing and losing your son.

But also some people just suck. My brother hasn't ever visited me in 40 years and he didn't attend my wedding.

Op here. The diagnosis for my kid is new, though. But this dynamic didn’t just start. It’s been going on for years.

I know it’s not unusual for siblings to have limited or no relationship. I guess what I can’t reconcile is that he does call me often and it feels as if we DO have a close relationship. Except when I try to actually see him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we are able to talk on the phone. I just wish it could be more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like the PP’s situation— it sounds like maybe his wife doesn’t like you.

But also, you don’t mention your parents and things like holiday gatherings with them, so is there some family issue/trauma concerning them? Bc that could also explain why he won’t engage.

Op here. I’ve wondered if maybe his wife doesn’t like me. That might be it. Nothing specific has ever happened between us but we don’t really have much of a relationship (I’ve tried, she’s just not interested).

My brother and I are both estranged from our parents and haven’t seen them in over 10 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

[Anonymous]

If you are both estranged, that often means a lot of trauma or major family issues. He may bt keeping distance due to those issues or how he has processed them and what he feels makes him feel healthy.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry for the situation with your son and the pain that comes with that along with having a brother who isn't supportive. You need to accept the harsh reality that he doesn't want the type of relationship you want and let it go. Let him be who he is.

I disagree with all the people trying to scapegoat a wife. Stop triangulating in the wife and dehumanizing her and deal with accepting the boundaries of your relationship with your own brother.

[Anonymous]

If you have a really messed up parent situation, it can really impact how you relate to your siblings. You need to just let this go and accept what you have.

My sisters and I are not close due to how messy our parents were. It sucks, but my youngest sister has cut us off at some points and now has a really limited texting relationship with me and my other sister. I have realized over the decades that it just really isn’t about us as sisters. If we all met as adults, we would probably really like each other. I think being close with the two of us just brings too much painful history into play for her.

My other sister and I are “closer” in that we text more and talk on the phone. If we happen to be in the same city, we see each other but we do go out of our way to visit. Again, I think it can just be too much. My sister wants to talk a lot about our parent situation, and I’m just not interested. But I love her a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a really messed up parent situation, it can really impact how you relate to your siblings. You need to just let this go and accept what you have.

My sisters and I are not close due to how messy our parents were. It sucks, but my youngest sister has cut us off at some points and now has a really limited texting relationship with me and my other sister. I have realized over the decades that it just really isn’t about us as sisters. If we all met as adults, we would probably really like each other. I think being close with the two of us just brings too much painful history into play for her.

My other sister and I are “closer” in that we text more and talk on the phone. If we happen to be in the same city, we see each other but we do go out of our way to visit. Again, I think it can just be too much. My sister wants to talk a lot about our parent situation, and I’m just not interested. But I love her a lot.

Let me add. My kid had cancer and it didn’t make any of us closer. You have unrealistic expectations. One sister has met my teenager once. The other has seen her maybe 8 times. Your brother isn’t going to suddenly try to be close to your kid. You have to find your support on this elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am so sorry for the situation with your son and the pain that comes with that along with having a brother who isn't supportive. You need to accept the harsh reality that he doesn't want the type of relationship you want and let it go. Let him be who he is.

I disagree with all the people trying to scapegoat a wife. Stop triangulating in the wife and dehumanizing her and deal with accepting the boundaries of your relationship with your own brother.

Op here. I think what’s hard is the phone conversations feel really important to me. Like my brother comes to me for advice and he confides in me. I guess it’s just hard for me not to feel like this is an important and real relationship. I think for me to stop hoping for more, I’d need to stop the phone calls, or greatly limit them. Because as things are I keep thinking we have this great relationship and then having to learn over and over again that we don’t seem to actually have much of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like the PP’s situation— it sounds like maybe his wife doesn’t like you.

But also, you don’t mention your parents and things like holiday gatherings with them, so is there some family issue/trauma concerning them? Bc that could also explain why he won’t engage.

Op here. I’ve wondered if maybe his wife doesn’t like me. That might be it. Nothing specific has ever happened between us but we don’t really have much of a relationship (I’ve tried, she’s just not interested).

My brother and I are both estranged from our parents and haven’t seen them in over 10 years.

So, yes, I’d guess it’s coming from the wife. He’s probably told her all about the negative family dynamics and she’s just lumped you into a negative basket. I think you just accept what he’s willing to give because he’s going to support her over you, even though it doesn’t seem fair in this particular situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people and, especially men, can't deal with death. He doesn't want the pain of knowing and losing your son.

But also some people just suck. My brother hasn't ever visited me in 40 years and he didn't attend my wedding.

Op here. The diagnosis for my kid is new, though. But this dynamic didn’t just start. It’s been going on for years.

I know it’s not unusual for siblings to have limited or no relationship. I guess what I can’t reconcile is that he does call me often and it feels as if we DO have a close relationship. Except when I try to actually see him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we are able to talk on the phone. I just wish it could be more.

Call it what it is. He's a selfish, self centered ass and you provide support for him while he gives you 0. Stop talking to him. Stop supporting him. It's completely unacceptable that he nothings your child. He is a worthless human being and I assume you were brought up in a family where women are expected to provide support while receiving no care or concern.

Woman up. He isn't worth 2 seconds of your time.