When I try to build a closer relationship with sibling, he distances himself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

[Anonymous]

OP, your brother has made it clear what kind of relationship with you works for him. Now you get to decide what works for you. Accept that you can't change him, but you can reframe your expectations. Can you enjoy having just a phone relationship? Do you need to make other friends so there isn't so much pressure on the sibling relationship? Like other posters, I think your dynamic stems from the family trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

[Anonymous]

That sounds very painful, OP, particularly in the context of your child’s diagnosis. Your brother has made choices about your relationship, and he’s responsible for them. Whether his wife pressures him, whether it’s related to childhood, whether it’s something else or a combination, the buck stops with him.

I think these are your choices:
1. Learn to accept the relationship as is, without expectation of more support or visits

2. Talk to him directly. Tell him how much you are hurting and how much visits would mean to you. Things might get better, or he might withdraw more, or make promises and not keep them.

3. Put the brakes on yourself. Don’t cut him off, don’t say anything dramatic but stop putting in so much energy. Focus on people who are there for you.

I am so sorry about your son’s diagnosis. It’s natural that you want your brother to support you. Unfortunately, as you apparently learned at a young age, family doesn’t always give us what we need. It’s so important for you to rely on people who can give you what you need right now.

[Anonymous]

I’m not at all sure why people are jumping to blaming the spouse. There’s zero reason to think that. If you’re both estranged from your parents, there’s likely some pain and trauma there. If you really think about it, and you’re honest, are you sure you don’t know more about why he doesn’t want a closer relationship?

I have a minimal relationship with my siblings. They would say they have no idea why. They are Trump supporters who get angry if I ask if their guns are secured before I bring my children into their home. We were never close growing up, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. I text them, and that’s enough of a relationship for me.

[Anonymous]

This is on your brother. Stop blaming his wife. I'm sure she doesn't have a gun to his head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

Your brother is an adult and has decided. I can see from your personality here why he avoids you. Are you rude or dismissive to his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

Your brother is an adult and has decided. I can see from your personality here why he avoids you. Are you rude or dismissive to his wife?

Op here. Just to be clear, I didn’t write the reply above, it was a PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

Your brother is an adult and has decided. I can see from your personality here why he avoids you. Are you rude or dismissive to his wife?

You called me sexist and a liar, and think I’m the rude one? Lololololol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

Your brother is an adult and has decided. I can see from your personality here why he avoids you. Are you rude or dismissive to his wife?

You called me sexist and a liar, and think I’m the rude one? Lololololol

Not PP but have a look in the mirror. OP is the mom of a young child with a 50% chance of dying who needs support. But you’re derailing into an argument about your family. Start a thread if you need to and let this be about OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

Your brother is an adult and has decided. I can see from your personality here why he avoids you. Are you rude or dismissive to his wife?

You called me sexist and a liar, and think I’m the rude one? Lololololol

Not PP but have a look in the mirror. OP is the mom of a young child with a 50% chance of dying who needs support. But you’re derailing into an argument about your family. Start a thread if you need to and let this be about OP

The PP derailed it by saying it couldn’t have anything to do with the wife. I shared my lived experience. She should have shared hers where it wasn’t the wife and let OP figure out what is going on in her situation, not call me sexist and a liar for sharing my experience.

Hopefully OP will have gleaned information that people feel strongly it can’t ever be a SIL’s fault that her brother can talk on the phone, but not see her in person. I think it’s quite likely he can talk on the phone when SIL isn’t around, but seeing her is too obvious to his wife so he doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry about your child, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people and, especially men, can't deal with death. He doesn't want the pain of knowing and losing your son.

But also some people just suck. My brother hasn't ever visited me in 40 years and he didn't attend my wedding.

Op here. The diagnosis for my kid is new, though. But this dynamic didn’t just start. It’s been going on for years.

I know it’s not unusual for siblings to have limited or no relationship. I guess what I can’t reconcile is that he does call me often and it feels as if we DO have a close relationship. Except when I try to actually see him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we are able to talk on the phone. I just wish it could be more.

I love talking with my brother but his ADHD is so bad that it's like drinking from a firehose when I'm around him. He paces, he loud talks, and he knows everything. I much prefer him in smaller doses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people and, especially men, can't deal with death. He doesn't want the pain of knowing and losing your son.

But also some people just suck. My brother hasn't ever visited me in 40 years and he didn't attend my wedding.

Op here. The diagnosis for my kid is new, though. But this dynamic didn’t just start. It’s been going on for years.

I know it’s not unusual for siblings to have limited or no relationship. I guess what I can’t reconcile is that he does call me often and it feels as if we DO have a close relationship. Except when I try to actually see him.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad we are able to talk on the phone. I just wish it could be more.

I love talking with my brother but his ADHD is so bad that it's like drinking from a firehose when I'm around him. He paces, he loud talks, and he knows everything. I much prefer him in smaller doses.

OP here. Ok. Glad you've found what works for you and your sibling.