When I try to build a closer relationship with sibling, he distances himself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not at all sure why people are jumping to blaming the spouse. There’s zero reason to think that. If you’re both estranged from your parents, there’s likely some pain and trauma there. If you really think about it, and you’re honest, are you sure you don’t know more about why he doesn’t want a closer relationship?

I have a minimal relationship with my siblings. They would say they have no idea why. They are Trump supporters who get angry if I ask if their guns are secured before I bring my children into their home. We were never close growing up, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. I text them, and that’s enough of a relationship for me.

OP here. How would you respond though if they kept reaching out to you, trying to set up plans, taking a genuine interest in your life, etc.? Or if they asked you why you keep your distance?

I feel like my brother keeps his distance but I really do not know why and I try to do all the things that I know of to try to have a relationship with someone. I do feel confused but he has never told me the reason or what would work for trying to get closer to him. Asking him in even the gentlest way puts him instantly on the defensive.

Yes, we do come from a very abusive family but I've tried to find a way to connect with my brother directly. We're both estranged from almost all of our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not at all sure why people are jumping to blaming the spouse. There’s zero reason to think that. If you’re both estranged from your parents, there’s likely some pain and trauma there. If you really think about it, and you’re honest, are you sure you don’t know more about why he doesn’t want a closer relationship?

I have a minimal relationship with my siblings. They would say they have no idea why. They are Trump supporters who get angry if I ask if their guns are secured before I bring my children into their home. We were never close growing up, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. I text them, and that’s enough of a relationship for me.

OP here. How would you respond though if they kept reaching out to you, trying to set up plans, taking a genuine interest in your life, etc.? Or if they asked you why you keep your distance?

I feel like my brother keeps his distance but I really do not know why and I try to do all the things that I know of to try to have a relationship with someone. I do feel confused but he has never told me the reason or what would work for trying to get closer to him. Asking him in even the gentlest way puts him instantly on the defensive.

Yes, we do come from a very abusive family but I've tried to find a way to connect with my brother directly. We're both estranged from almost all of our family.

One more time, these are your options:
1. Learn to accept the relationship as is, without expectation of more support or visits

2. Talk to him directly. Tell him how much you are hurting and how much visits would mean to you. Things might get better, or he might withdraw more, or make promises and not keep them.

3. Put the brakes on yourself. Don’t cut him off, don’t say anything dramatic but stop putting in so much energy. Focus on people who are there for you.

What you are going through is terrible, and I wish we could wave a magic wand and have your brother show up for you. None of us, including you, can do that. You can't control it. I don't blame you for wanting it, of course you do. But you need to prioritize what is going to actually work for you and your child. You are in the center of the circle and if your brother cannot see that, you need to look elsewhere to those who can give you the love and support you need. I am so, so sorry this is happening to you and your little boy.

[Anonymous]

OP - you need to just focus on your own family. I get that’s hard right now and you would probably like a distraction.

Your brother is happy with your current level of closeness and you need to accept that. If you are unhappy with it, you cannot nor should you try to force a closer relationship. If you really want to, you can take a break from him until you no longer feel bad about the relationship.

I’m so sorry about your child. Perhaps you could talk to one of the drs about joining a support group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not at all sure why people are jumping to blaming the spouse. There’s zero reason to think that. If you’re both estranged from your parents, there’s likely some pain and trauma there. If you really think about it, and you’re honest, are you sure you don’t know more about why he doesn’t want a closer relationship?

I have a minimal relationship with my siblings. They would say they have no idea why. They are Trump supporters who get angry if I ask if their guns are secured before I bring my children into their home. We were never close growing up, and I don’t enjoy spending time with them. I text them, and that’s enough of a relationship for me.

OP here. How would you respond though if they kept reaching out to you, trying to set up plans, taking a genuine interest in your life, etc.? Or if they asked you why you keep your distance?

I feel like my brother keeps his distance but I really do not know why and I try to do all the things that I know of to try to have a relationship with someone. I do feel confused but he has never told me the reason or what would work for trying to get closer to him. Asking him in even the gentlest way puts him instantly on the defensive.

Yes, we do come from a very abusive family but I've tried to find a way to connect with my brother directly. We're both estranged from almost all of our family.

I'm this PP. If they asked why I keep my distance, I would try to get out of telling them, because past attempts at honest, direct communication with my siblings have not gone well. Honestly, in families with lots of trauma, communication tends to not be a strong suit. I don't understand why you think my family continuing to reach out would change my mind about wanting to have a close relationship. I don't want a close relationship. I don't want to fight, but I don't want to be close. It's not about wanting them to make more effort. I don't want to be close.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are hurting but this brother cannot/will not help you. He seems to have made his mind up a while back and even a sweet nephew going through a medical crisis isn't going to budge him. Without your brother's presence you've probably built him up in your mind as a loveable and good person and may be blind to some underlying conflict.
How was your relationship growing up with each other, aside from the terrible parents?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

Your brother is an adult and has decided. I can see from your personality here why he avoids you. Are you rude or dismissive to his wife?

You called me sexist and a liar, and think I’m the rude one? Lololololol

Not PP but have a look in the mirror. OP is the mom of a young child with a 50% chance of dying who needs support. But you’re derailing into an argument about your family. Start a thread if you need to and let this be about OP

The PP derailed it by saying it couldn’t have anything to do with the wife. I shared my lived experience. She should have shared hers where it wasn’t the wife and let OP figure out what is going on in her situation, not call me sexist and a liar for sharing my experience.

Hopefully OP will have gleaned information that people feel strongly it can’t ever be a SIL’s fault that her brother can talk on the phone, but not see her in person. I think it’s quite likely he can talk on the phone when SIL isn’t around, but seeing her is too obvious to his wife so he doesn’t.

Yep, sexist bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar relationship with my brother with less phone conversation. It’s because his wife doesn’t like me. She’s a young earth evangelical and thinks I might encourage him to listen to rock music or something. It isn’t fixable.

Op here. So do you guys talk at all? What do you do?

I’ve struggled for years to accept this and keep hoping things might change. I really love my brother.

We talk occasionally, but we never REALLY talk if you know what I mean. I went back home and we had plans to spend the day together this summer. His wife “needed him” so we ended up seeing each other for 20 minutes. I drove 1k miles for that.

I love my brother too, and wish often for the relationship we had before. I got along well with all his previous GFs and we had a lot of fun times together. His wife doesn’t get along with anyone or have any friends, and she is very controlling and does not let him do things on his own. He is a little afraid of her I think, as she also has a temper.

She is honestly an awful person. She told my kids they are going to Hell because they are Catholic. That’s nice.

For the poster saying not o blame the wife, you don’t know what you are talking about. Some of us have good reasons for what we do.

You're pretty sexist so step off. What is true is that your brother is an adult and makes decisions himself. He has decided to give you very little time and to ignore your child. That is 100% on him so take your misogyny elsewhere.

My spouse has cut off his family and I have no control over that. They were and are abusive. They blame me entirely and I spent years being mad at him for not working it out with them. You and a lot of other women love the fantasy of the controlling wife who decides who her dh can talk to. It's a lie.

It isn’t a lie for me. You don’t know anything about me or my family. Maybe your situation is different. NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME EXPERIENCE AS YOU, dimwit.

If you are as controlling of your spouse as you are of someone’s else’s thread here, maybe they have a point.

Your brother is an adult and has decided. I can see from your personality here why he avoids you. Are you rude or dismissive to his wife?

You called me sexist and a liar, and think I’m the rude one? Lololololol

Not PP but have a look in the mirror. OP is the mom of a young child with a 50% chance of dying who needs support. But you’re derailing into an argument about your family. Start a thread if you need to and let this be about OP

The PP derailed it by saying it couldn’t have anything to do with the wife. I shared my lived experience. She should have shared hers where it wasn’t the wife and let OP figure out what is going on in her situation, not call me sexist and a liar for sharing my experience.

Hopefully OP will have gleaned information that people feel strongly it can’t ever be a SIL’s fault that her brother can talk on the phone, but not see her in person. I think it’s quite likely he can talk on the phone when SIL isn’t around, but seeing her is too obvious to his wife so he doesn’t.

Yep, sexist bs.

Hell no. Nothing sexist. Not OP and yet this is my family. OP you can't change people. My sister has decreed that she will not talk to me. There is nothing I can do to change that. see a therapist to talk it out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am so sorry for the situation with your son and the pain that comes with that along with having a brother who isn't supportive. You need to accept the harsh reality that he doesn't want the type of relationship you want and let it go. Let him be who he is.

I disagree with all the people trying to scapegoat a wife. Stop triangulating in the wife and dehumanizing her and deal with accepting the boundaries of your relationship with your own brother.

Op here. I think what’s hard is the phone conversations feel really important to me. Like my brother comes to me for advice and he confides in me. I guess it’s just hard for me not to feel like this is an important and real relationship. I think for me to stop hoping for more, I’d need to stop the phone calls, or greatly limit them. Because as things are I keep thinking we have this great relationship and then having to learn over and over again that we don’t seem to actually have much of a relationship.

I would examine whether you have realistic expectations. My SIL was always upset with my husband and I helped her to see she was trying to make him be a different person. He cares a lot about her. He's way more introverted than she is and he has different interests. He did want to see her, just not as often as she wanted. They also came from a family with estrangements and complex dynamics. She did eventually let him be himself. Not saying your situation is the same, but I think a lot of what she read as rejection was just that he didn't do friendship that way.

If you truly enjoy the phone conversations, than continue to do so. If you feel like it's all take and no give, then maybe re-evaluate. Figure out different measurements for closeness. I don't enjoy traveling to see people now with kids, it's just too much and I don't have as much to give, but I still value you friends and loved ones. I would be supportive if a loved one were ill, but my husband would not know how to do so, but he would care and worry. I guess maybe figure out if you are trying to make him be a person he can't be or do you think he just isn't that into a relationship? I have plenty of people in my life who might seem disappointing in one area, but I value them because they bring joy to my life in other areas. I have friends who just can't be there for a major illness or challenge-due to their own life stressors or overwhelm or flakiness, but I can name many reasons why they are keepers! I have countless flaws and quirks too.