Sigh... DD and friends are excluding other kids via group chats

[Anonymous]

I'm not a helicopter parent, but I do occasionally check DD15's phone to make sure she isn't doing anything she shouldn't be or saying things she will regret. What I saw yesterday made me grateful that I do this.

DD and her friends have a text message group with 4 or 5 kids. She is also part of a larger text chain with 8 or 10 people. From what I gather, her smaller text chain is a bit cliquey and they make a point to leave out certain kids in the larger group. In the small group, they also make snide comments about these kids, saying things that I know they wouldn't to the other children's faces. DD isn't a main contributor, but she has definitely said things that surprise and sadden me.

Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers. The others in the small group agreed and sent laughing emojis. They also seem to constantly share "bad" or "unflattering" pictures of their other "friends", seemingly without permission.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't want to let DD know that I read her messages, because she'll view it as an invasion of her privacy. But I also know that I wouldn't have found out about this if I hadn't looked through her phone. But I certainly want to bring this up to her. How can I approach the subject?

[Anonymous]

Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

[Anonymous]

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

She’s a B and you should just call her out on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

Sorry, just saw she is 15. My eldest is only 14, but he absolutely knows that I check his phone and will do so at any time. I think you need to open this up and have conversations with dd about the sort of person she wants to be and how the words she uses reflect who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

+1 Don't let the behavior go unchecked.

[Anonymous]

Who pays for the phone? Your daughter shouldn’t have some expectation of privacy that her shit stirring messages wouldn’t be read. You better read them first before some parent screen shots it and sends to the school for bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

+1 Your kid is using tech to bully other kids. Sharing unflattering photos is cyberbulling. I don't care if other kids are worse - your kid is 100% a bully who needs to be dealt with swiftly and seriously.

[Anonymous]

Also your DD is pretty stupid if she doesn’t think eventually one of those girls will turn on her and screen shots will be shared with the people she’s being rude about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

This. Also, be aware that someone will inevitably screenshot the worst of the small group and text it to the larger group

[Anonymous]

The sending pictures is particularly harmful and dangerous.

I'd have a blunt conversation about this. Have her imagine that these texts were printed out and plastered all over the school. How would she feel? How would her friends feel? Would she proud of this?

Teen girls might pick each other apart, but putting it in writing like this is absolutely a horrible idea. She might feel annoyed with one girl, say something mean in person, and everyone would forget the next day. On a text thread? That lives FOREVER. She needs to understand it.

I'm not sure what I'd do for "punishment" but I'd absolutely make sure she knows that if I am paying for her plan, I better not ever see trash talk from her on that phone again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

This! And tell her she needs to earn your trust back because she is not exhibiting the values of your family. Well, that’s what I would say anyway. My DD would never do this though - I was the mom that insisted she invite the whole class or all the girls of the grade and make them feel welcome at her parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not a helicopter parent, but I do occasionally check DD15's phone to make sure she isn't doing anything she shouldn't be or saying things she will regret. What I saw yesterday made me grateful that I do this.

DD and her friends have a text message group with 4 or 5 kids. She is also part of a larger text chain with 8 or 10 people. From what I gather, her smaller text chain is a bit cliquey and they make a point to leave out certain kids in the larger group. In the small group, they also make snide comments about these kids, saying things that I know they wouldn't to the other children's faces. DD isn't a main contributor, but she has definitely said things that surprise and sadden me.

Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers. The others in the small group agreed and sent laughing emojis. They also seem to constantly share "bad" or "unflattering" pictures of their other "friends", seemingly without permission.

I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't want to let DD know that I read her messages, because she'll view it as an invasion of her privacy. But I also know that I wouldn't have found out about this if I hadn't looked through her phone. But I certainly want to bring this up to her. How can I approach the subject?

a) she's your kid not your friend, and b) she clearly deserves to have her privacy invaded, she's a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also your DD is pretty stupid if she doesn’t think eventually one of those girls will turn on her and screen shots will be shared with the people she’s being rude about.

+1
It's only a naive child or a dumb parent who doesn't realize this is an eventuality.

[Anonymous]

I would come down on this like a ton of bricks. I can tell you care and want to nip this. Go hard core to prove the importance of your values. This is a great teaching opportunity for you. My kid would lose the phone for 2 weeks and I would be monitoring closely any future use. She would NOT be allowed to be part of that chain in the future. New friends might also be a requirement depending on the situation.