Sigh... DD and friends are excluding other kids via group chats

[Anonymous]

So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who pays for the phone? Your daughter shouldn’t have some expectation of privacy that her shit stirring messages wouldn’t be read. You better read them first before some parent screen shots it and sends to the school for bullying.

NP and I will say that while I agree with this, confronting her might work or it might cause her to hide the behavior. If OP's going to do this she needs to also know how to deal with hiding and deleting things on the phone her DD has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be blunt, I checked your phone and your behavior isn't ok and you are losing your phone for a week.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

Did you miss the part about posting photos of other kids making fun of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

Do you think that girl would appreciate that if she saw it? OP is lucky this hasn’t blown up in her daughter’s face yet, but it will. And no, that kind of comment isn’t exactly normal in the first place.

[Anonymous]

We've talked about how phone content generally can end up anywhere, get disseminated, repeated, about bullying and cyber bullying, not to mention all the scam risks with strangers online. I think sometimes it's best to have that discussion without tying it to the child's behavior specifically, because soon enough you're not going to be monitoring your dd's every online move. Some of it is can also be hidden/deleted instantly. How is she as a kid in person? Does she talk meanly about other kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who pays for the phone? Your daughter shouldn’t have some expectation of privacy that her shit stirring messages wouldn’t be read. You better read them first before some parent screen shots it and sends to the school for bullying.

+1 When my kids got phones I let them know that I would be checking their phones anytime I felt like it (within reason, I wasn't checking them after a certain age). It's not too late to set that expectation now, especially with what you discovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sending pictures is particularly harmful and dangerous.

I'd have a blunt conversation about this. Have her imagine that these texts were printed out and plastered all over the school. How would she feel? How would her friends feel? Would she proud of this?

Teen girls might pick each other apart, but putting it in writing like this is absolutely a horrible idea. She might feel annoyed with one girl, say something mean in person, and everyone would forget the next day. On a text thread? That lives FOREVER. She needs to understand it.

I'm not sure what I'd do for "punishment" but I'd absolutely make sure she knows that if I am paying for her plan, I better not ever see trash talk from her on that phone again.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've talked about how phone content generally can end up anywhere, get disseminated, repeated, about bullying and cyber bullying, not to mention all the scam risks with strangers online. I think sometimes it's best to have that discussion without tying it to the child's behavior specifically, because soon enough you're not going to be monitoring your dd's every online move. Some of it is can also be hidden/deleted instantly. How is she as a kid in person? Does she talk meanly about other kids?

I haven’t had to tie it generally to my kid’s behavior because he’s not actively doing any of this. But we talk about the risks and consequences all the time and the specific kids in his class who have had consequences for their bad behavior online, social media, and texting. It is much more likely to sink in that way than some vague risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

This is OP. I'm not really sure what you mean by "beef." Of course it's normal for a kid to be part of different chats; that's not my problem. What isn't okay is the mean comments and making fun, which in my mind isn't just chatter. Thanks for the input, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

This is OP. I'm not really sure what you mean by "beef." Of course it's normal for a kid to be part of different chats; that's not my problem. What isn't okay is the mean comments and making fun, which in my mind isn't just chatter. Thanks for the input, though.

The issue is not exclusion but the content of the messages. The title is misleading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The sending pictures is particularly harmful and dangerous.

I'd have a blunt conversation about this. Have her imagine that these texts were printed out and plastered all over the school. How would she feel? How would her friends feel? Would she proud of this?

Teen girls might pick each other apart, but putting it in writing like this is absolutely a horrible idea. She might feel annoyed with one girl, say something mean in person, and everyone would forget the next day. On a text thread? That lives FOREVER. She needs to understand it.

I'm not sure what I'd do for "punishment" but I'd absolutely make sure she knows that if I am paying for her plan, I better not ever see trash talk from her on that phone again.

OP here. Thanks, this is helpful. I think she knows all of this, since DH and I have made a point to discuss bullying and its negative effects with her before. I feel like she's a little too old to "punish" in the traditional sense of the word- grounding her or taking away things is only going to make her feel angry at me. I don't want all of her focus to be on hating me- she needs to feel accountable. I have no problem being the bad cop, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

Do you think that girl would appreciate that if she saw it? OP is lucky this hasn’t blown up in her daughter’s face yet, but it will. And no, that kind of comment isn’t exactly normal in the first place.

The picture thing is snotty, but honestly the comments, or excluding other girls in a smaller chat is nothing new. This happened, minus the technology, when I was this age in the 80s. We wrote notes to each other, and we'd say not-very-nice things about other girls. Or in groups, we'd talk about other girls in catty and obnoxious ways. This is as old as time.

At the ripe old age of my mid-50s, looking back I wish I hadn't been so catty and obnoxious. I was also on the other end of it too as the target of unflattering comments and I know talked about behind my back, but I wish I had been more secure and didn't feel the need to do it myself.

That said, the difference today is this can all be screenshotted and shared very widely. OP should definitely talk to her DD about being kind to others, never knowing what someone else is going through, even the girls she may think are a worthy target are figuring out life too and deserve grace. But also point out that life comes as you fast, and the girl who you're gossiping about now could end up being her best friend down the line, and what if someone shares screen shots of what you've said? It's like when the notes we passed in class back in the olden days were intercepted and shared with the target. I was mortified when that happened one time and it did give me a wake-up call.

[Anonymous]

She needs to learn now and not at her first job that nothing you put online is private or can’t be recirculated. Better to learn this lesson from you in HS than from a manager after she says something on Slack that gets passed on to HR and has her fired.

I have young employees who have learned this lesson the hard way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So this is your main beef?
“Yesterday, I found something she said about how Larla (one of the excluded children) doesn't have instagram or tiktok because if she got it, she wouldn't have any followers.”

Honestly, that comment is just run of the mill girl chatter and certainly not something I’d intervene over.

I’ll also say it’s normal for all kids to have different group chats. It’s not exclusionary.

+1

The biggest issue is the sharing of pictures. But I also know kids like to mess with their friends by sharing unflattering photos.