My mom is like Kate Gosselin
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Anonymous
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to my father!
It never occurred to me until I saw rhis video compilation of Kate Gosselin yelling at her husband. That is my mom! Growing up, and even now, my mom will SHOUT across a store angrily at my father and berate him in public. As a child it was super embarrassing and awkward. Obviously as an adult, I shut it down if it happens in my presence. But just like John, my dad stood and took it. It wasn’t any better in the confines of our house, either. I wasn’t abused as a child, and though I believe my mother was very controlling, she wasn’t unkind. Is this a personality disorder? I’d love to find clarity and research this more. |
Anonymous
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The resentment that builds up when the adult that is supposed to be your partner in all the work of life instead bumbles around like they're somehow incapable or not responsible for anything forcing you to take the leadership role in EVERY. SINGLE. THING. and manage them through it is real. And results in things like regularly snapping at someone to do something because for the love of god you don't understand why they're not already doing something to help take care of everything / everyone
Obviously it's an unhealthy dynamic and I have no idea if your parent situation is this - but its a two person dynamic, not one person having a "personality disorder" As an example my husband may join our 3 very young kids and me at the grocery store. He wonders off without a care in the world while I'm managing the kids and shopping for everything we need for the week. He may wonder back over with the ingredients for a meal he decided to cook for himself that afternoon that no one else likes and will take hours and leave the kitchen a mess. So yes what someone else may see is me snapping "can you just get the f'ing carrots and milk at least?!" Again obviously not a health dynamic for anyone involved but also not just a me problem |
Anonymous
And why the husbands "take" it - well their options are step up and take on their full responsibility or continue with the narrative that they have an angry nagging wife while they continue to have plenty of leisure time and few responsibilities beyond those individual tasked that are forced on them. Or divorce or put in the work in therapy I guess. The only option that involves no actual work or change on their part is carry on as is |
Anonymous
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My mom nags, controls, and over reacts. She finally got therapy a few years ago and is on meds for anxiety. She definitely has some BPD characteristics but I attended a few sessions with her at her request and she has some childhood trauma that led to the control and anxiety issues.
Growing up, she took it out on mostly me, sometimes my brother. My dad later admitted to me he though about divorcing but was worried about how custody would work and at least he could intervene. |
Anonymous
Leave him at home with the kids. You don't need to bring your circus to the store. |
Anonymous
That was one example - this is ALWAYS the dynamic. I'm just offering this up to OP as a potential reason someone who is usually kind would seem consistently angry towards their partner, this isn't a thread for advice for me |
Anonymous
This is an amazing bit of victim blaming. Kate was an abusive twat, full stop. It absolutely was a personality disorder and Jon was not responsible for her character defects. You should be deeply ashamed for having posted this. |
Anonymous
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Oh my god, my dad is like that! Well, my mom is dead now, but he used to yell at her all the time. Airplanes, restaurants, other people's homes, wherever.
One time we were flying from where my grandpa (my mom's dad) was buried to where he had lived to clean out his condo. My mom was quietly sitting in her seat sobbing silently. My father yelled at her to the point people looked at him. I was furious and hissed "Her father died - dont' you hope when YOU die that I'm at LEAST this sad? Nobody looked at Mom, but everyone looked at the guy who yelled at his wife for crying." I don't know why he couldn't see that his yelling brought attention to whatever screwup my mom was doing that annoyed him, like when she'd fall asleep in the living room of a relative while we were visiting. Sure, it's not the best look, but whatever! |
Anonymous
Get help. That's not healthy |
Anonymous
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Your mom is probably like the 11:56 poster who truly thinks they can do no wrong and their spouse is just one giant constant f*ck up. That is the view of a lot of abusers and how they justify their abuse. They have a well if they just did things how I told them or did them the right way then I wouldn't need to yell or hit or abuse them but they deserve it because they aren't doing what I want, how I want, when I want.
Most abusers justify their abuse just like 11:56. It is always someone else's fault and it is deserved. Her example is pretty standard. Her husband deserved it because he is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what she wanted how she wanted. Same reason men use for abusing women. She deserved it because she is a useless f*ck up who didn't do what I wanted how I wanted. People don't see it in themselves as they truly think their spouse deserves the abuse (just like 11:56). |
Anonymous
Well put. |
Anonymous
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My parents had a similar dynamic. My mom was also very controlling but deep down a kind person. She was verbally/emotionally abusive to all of us though. It's a combination of anxiety and OCD tendencies, coupled with low EQ (no filter and no concept of how her actions would alienate ppl). Nothing any of us did was ever good enough. The way my sibling cut a watermelon was unacceptable. When I cut up the vegetables they were not perfectly even and she had to point out the imperfections every. single. time. When I get a B+ instead of the usual A's there'd be hell to pay.
She saved her worst wrath for my dad. She respected my dad's intellect and supported his demanding career, but in daily life she nitpicked on him constantly and treated him with contempt. He put up with it b/c he knew she had a good heart. On big picture items (such as career advancement, home purchases, finances) she did not question his judgment. My mom was an enigma to me. She'd sacrifice herself without hesitation for any of us. Her love was fierce and immense. At the same time, living with her was not easy. She fixated on a lot of minor things and alienated many ppl. After her death a long time family friend said of her: a heart of gold but a tongue of knife. |
Anonymous
| My parents used to fight in public like that (or my mom would berate us for something really small) and it was so embarrassing. I remember her yelling at my father on an itty bitty tour bus and wanting to cry of humiliation. |
Anonymous
Nope - I’m with PP. She explained it perfectly. |
Anonymous
+1 |