Why do people say its ‘selfish’ to not want kids?

[Anonymous]

I love kids, my nieces and nephews are some of my favorite humans. But I never got the ‘urge’ to be a parent and found a lot of fulfillment in other areas of my life outside of family.

I’m having a hard time putting into words why I don’t believe it’s selfish. All I can come up with is it isn’t because there’s nothing to be selfish towards? Like..how can I be selfish to something that doesn’t exist?

[Anonymous]

Because they're mad at their own selfish choices.

Whether you have kids or not, both are equally selfish. Adopting and fostering are much less selfish though, because you're opting to take care of people who already exist in this world.

[Anonymous]

For the record I do not think it's selfish to not have kids.

But I think when people say this, they say it from the perspective of having kids and knowing that having kids means putting your kids well-being first. You have to because your kids rely on you for everything and they just need so much. So the experience of parenting is an experience of giving. Sometimes it's the first or most striking experience with having to care for another human being in this way.

So I think people look at their own experience and see the selflessness parenting has required and can include that someone choosing not to be a parent is doing so because they aren't ready to be selfless in that way. I don't think this because I think degree of selflessness good parenting requires comes as a surprise to most people, as does your own willingness to do it because the level of love you feel for your kids also comes as a surprise. You think you know but you don't. People who say childless people are selfish are reasoning backwards but forgetting what it was like to actually not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they're mad at their own selfish choices.

Whether you have kids or not, both are equally selfish. Adopting and fostering are much less selfish though, because you're opting to take care of people who already exist in this world.

I disagree. I think having children is far more selfish. Ask why people have them, it’s usually self-serving (I wanted….)and not for their own good OR they just ended up with them (like the last gift at a white elephant). Far more people with kids that don’t take care of them than those without that do.

Kids are a big decision, and unless you’re completely sure you want them you shouldn’t have them. I’m a mom of 3 and I didn’t understand the importance of this until I met parents who…didn’t really care for their kids.

[Anonymous]

I feel that realizing your limitations as a person and deciding not to have kids is one of the most selfless things you can do. IMHO it also requires some serious self-reflection that not many people have.

I feel that oftentimes ppl have kids bc thats what you are supposed to do, or what society tells you to do. Not bc they really desire being a parent and/or are truly capable of being a good parent.

[Anonymous]

It's not selfish. Is someone telling you that it is?

[Anonymous]

It’s selfish to want kids.

But selfish people don’t have kids.

It’s the most truthful paradox.

Note: I didn’t say all people who don’t have kids are selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the record I do not think it's selfish to not have kids.

But I think when people say this, they say it from the perspective of having kids and knowing that having kids means putting your kids well-being first. You have to because your kids rely on you for everything and they just need so much. So the experience of parenting is an experience of giving. Sometimes it's the first or most striking experience with having to care for another human being in this way.

So I think people look at their own experience and see the selflessness parenting has required and can include that someone choosing not to be a parent is doing so because they aren't ready to be selfless in that way. I don't think this because I think degree of selflessness good parenting requires comes as a surprise to most people, as does your own willingness to do it because the level of love you feel for your kids also comes as a surprise. You think you know but you don't. People who say childless people are selfish are reasoning backwards but forgetting what it was like to actually not have kids.

+100 well said

[Anonymous]

Do people really say that?
I have kids and love being a mom. But it’s the hardest thing and if you aren’t 100% committed then don’t do it! I think it’s more selfish to have a kid and then half ass parenting and not care properly for those kids because you weren’t really into them. I have a parent like this, so…I know how hard that is.

Op, just do your thing, it doesn’t matter what other people think about your life choices. Trust in yourself. You’re not selfish. Just be you.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s selfish. At all! I think it’s wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love kids, my nieces and nephews are some of my favorite humans. But I never got the ‘urge’ to be a parent and found a lot of fulfillment in other areas of my life outside of family.

I’m having a hard time putting into words why I don’t believe it’s selfish. All I can come up with is it isn’t because there’s nothing to be selfish towards? Like..how can I be selfish to something that doesn’t exist?

It isn't selfish. But the ones that do say that probably mean you are spending money on yourself and not kids ( I don't believe this)

[Anonymous]

The only way for everyone to avoid being accused of selfishness is for people who don’t want kids to have them, and people who do want kids to forgo having them. There. Now everyone is miserable. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

I think the two main reasons that (mostly women) say this are to:

1.) Salve any feelings they have about "giving up" their own careers or lives to any extent to raise children of their own - if you became a SAHM or went part-time to have two kids and live in a suburb and feel feelings about that, vilifying others who did the complete opposite of that makes you feel better.

2.) Salve any feelings they have about wanting grandkids. If people, again...mostly women...say aloud that people should choose what they want and kids aren't essential for a full life and kids can hamper some people's best life, then maybe their own children will hear that and follow a childfree path. Which is devastating or horrifying to some people. I personally want to be a grandma, but not to the point that I want to force my only child into parenthood if they truly do not want it. Hard to think about.

I think a lot of people also force "duty" onto these - it is our duty to replace the population/do what our parents did for us/etc... but that is all silly.

[Anonymous]

Who actually says that?
I have one adopted child but if I didn’t and someone says that to me they would get an “ excuse me?” And a death glare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the record I do not think it's selfish to not have kids.

But I think when people say this, they say it from the perspective of having kids and knowing that having kids means putting your kids well-being first. You have to because your kids rely on you for everything and they just need so much. So the experience of parenting is an experience of giving. Sometimes it's the first or most striking experience with having to care for another human being in this way.

So I think people look at their own experience and see the selflessness parenting has required and can include that someone choosing not to be a parent is doing so because they aren't ready to be selfless in that way. I don't think this because I think degree of selflessness good parenting requires comes as a surprise to most people, as does your own willingness to do it because the level of love you feel for your kids also comes as a surprise. You think you know but you don't. People who say childless people are selfish are reasoning backwards but forgetting what it was like to actually not have kids.

This expresses it perfectly. Couldn't agree more.