My mom gave her money away and now has nothing

[Anonymous]

She is 67. She initiated divorce 11 years ago or so, they split everything 50/50 and she would have been fine had she not made a series of colossal bad decisions.

She: “helped” a friend who it turns out took half her assets
- quit a stable 3/4 time job at age 57 to “retire” and her pension is miniscule and not keeping up with COL
- sold a condo she could easily afford the payments on, did who-knows-what with the proceeds and now has no housing. She rents an apartment near the big box store where she works.
- moved in with an a guy who gave us the creeps and convinced herself this was the way to go. That relationship ended a year ago - yep, he turned out to be abusive - and somehow she came away with nothing.

So now she is 67 and working FT at a big box, and can’t afford to quit. We know it will not last forever, so my siblings and I have been a little on edge about what will happen when that arrangement goes south.

I already have a complicated relationship with my mom since she basically rejected me and threw me under the bus constantly when I was growing up. In my heart I really don’t feel much love for her. My relationship with my dad and siblings is better - I would want to help if one of them reached out to me.

Also, I am a single mom, saving for my own retirement and my 2 kids’ college in the next few years.

AITA if I do not want to help her, at all? My siblings and I could and would have helped her make better decisions, but she basically gave her money away and is now hinting that she wants us to take care of her.

One of my brothers makes a ton of $$$ compared to me and my other siblings and was/is her favorite. He knows he is the obvious “helper” but he has worked hard for his money, has his own family to worry about, and also recognizes my mom’s role in this and is not happy about it.

Do I make it clear now that I can’t/won’t help? My mom is clueless enough to think I might what with my “fancy” job and “East Coast lifestyle”.

[Anonymous]

Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

Also, make any payments you are willing to give directly to the rental office/electric company etc. DO NOT give your mother money!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

this is excellent advice. you cannot let her drag you down and you cannot let your richer brother guilt you into thinking it has to be equal. you can help in other ways if necessary.

I had a similar family dynamic and ultimately had to tell everyone (repeatedly) that I was not giving a single cent to our spendthrift father. It was quite clear that he would waste the money. If he had been totally destitute and had no other kids then I would have helped- but he wasn’t destitute and had my brothers. Like you I was much more estranged than my other siblings and I felt untroubled that they took the financial burden (they have plenty of money). sure that meant hearing complaints about “free loaders” but I just ignored them.

[Anonymous]

And make sure she is signed up for any "senior" benefit she is entitled to before agreeing and then pay directly to the company. Pick one bill.

[Anonymous]

I would look into what social service benefits she is entitled to with her income and asset level. For example, Medicaid, subsidized housing and food stamps. Hoping someone can elaborate on who you contact for assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

OP can't "make" the rich brother do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

OP can't "make" the rich brother do anything.

He is mom’s favorite. All OP has to do is deflect her questions to him

[Anonymous]

I am curious about the rich brother. In my family, I am the adult child with the most money. However, the other siblings made colossal mistakes while also using my mom for free childcare, living in her home, and taking tens of thousands of dollars from her. I’m richer bc I learned to be independent abd not obsessed on by mom. Yet my sister has washed her hands from her and it’s really not fair

[Anonymous]

Not only are you NTA, you are morally obligated to put your own financial security and retirement first. She will have SS and Medicare and she will scrape by as many, many others have done before her.

Is it a shame that she has exercised such poor judgment? Of course it is. But, unless you want to end up like her do not give her a penny. You can try to help her find senior housing that is affordable for her if she ever can’t afford her apartment. But even that you are not obligated to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about the rich brother. In my family, I am the adult child with the most money. However, the other siblings made colossal mistakes while also using my mom for free childcare, living in her home, and taking tens of thousands of dollars from her. I’m richer bc I learned to be independent abd not obsessed on by mom. Yet my sister has washed her hands from her and it’s really not fair

I mean, I’m in the same position but so what? The needy taker sibling does not magically develop new coping and healing skills just because they should if things were fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would look into what social service benefits she is entitled to with her income and asset level. For example, Medicaid, subsidized housing and food stamps. Hoping someone can elaborate on who you contact for assistance.

This. I would offer help figuring this out, but not money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 67. She initiated divorce 11 years ago or so, they split everything 50/50 and she would have been fine had she not made a series of colossal bad decisions.

She: “helped” a friend who it turns out took half her assets
- quit a stable 3/4 time job at age 57 to “retire” and her pension is miniscule and not keeping up with COL
- sold a condo she could easily afford the payments on, did who-knows-what with the proceeds and now has no housing. She rents an apartment near the big box store where she works.
- moved in with an a guy who gave us the creeps and convinced herself this was the way to go. That relationship ended a year ago - yep, he turned out to be abusive - and somehow she came away with nothing.

So now she is 67 and working FT at a big box, and can’t afford to quit. We know it will not last forever, so my siblings and I have been a little on edge about what will happen when that arrangement goes south.

I already have a complicated relationship with my mom since she basically rejected me and threw me under the bus constantly when I was growing up. In my heart I really don’t feel much love for her. My relationship with my dad and siblings is better - I would want to help if one of them reached out to me.

Also, I am a single mom, saving for my own retirement and my 2 kids’ college in the next few years.

AITA if I do not want to help her, at all? My siblings and I could and would have helped her make better decisions, but she basically gave her money away and is now hinting that she wants us to take care of her.

One of my brothers makes a ton of $$$ compared to me and my other siblings and was/is her favorite. He knows he is the obvious “helper” but he has worked hard for his money, has his own family to worry about, and also recognizes my mom’s role in this and is not happy about it.

Do I make it clear now that I can’t/won’t help? My mom is clueless enough to think I might what with my “fancy” job and “East Coast lifestyle”.

OP I am your brother in this scenario.

None of you are required to help your mother.

I have a similar experience with my mother, her choices were and still are worse than your mothers. My mother once gave her brother $10,000 to bail him out of jail from a child porn ring charge ie selling and producing child porn, who does that?????? That is just one example of the poor judgment of my dear old mother.

That happened when my father was still alive and my parents were in their early 70's. Now mom's in her 80's dad's gone, no money whatsoever except small social security. She has a house with a mortgage I have no idea how the house has not been foreclosed on. Most likely one of my sisters is helping. I have not asked and I am over a having a toxic relationship with a woman who puts criminals over her own children, and has never once treated us well.

There is no moral obligation to help your parents. Especially if it will affect your children and your life.

I am at peace with my decision.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

OP can't "make" the rich brother do anything.

Sure she can. She can just tell him she’s not doing anything to do with money and their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

OP can't "make" the rich brother do anything.

He is mom’s favorite. All OP has to do is deflect her questions to him

That doesn’t mean he’ll take over. Ask me how I know.