My mom gave her money away and now has nothing

[Anonymous]

Then you work with that. She can have a car accident tomorrow and that's that. Why do you want to try to plan for her future "bad shape" if she minds her own business? It sounds like wasting lots of mental space on something that may or may not happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is 67. She initiated divorce 11 years ago or so, they split everything 50/50 and she would have been fine had she not made a series of colossal bad decisions.

She: “helped” a friend who it turns out took half her assets
- quit a stable 3/4 time job at age 57 to “retire” and her pension is miniscule and not keeping up with COL
- sold a condo she could easily afford the payments on, did who-knows-what with the proceeds and now has no housing. She rents an apartment near the big box store where she works.
- moved in with an a guy who gave us the creeps and convinced herself this was the way to go. That relationship ended a year ago - yep, he turned out to be abusive - and somehow she came away with nothing.

So now she is 67 and working FT at a big box, and can’t afford to quit. We know it will not last forever, so my siblings and I have been a little on edge about what will happen when that arrangement goes south.

I already have a complicated relationship with my mom since she basically rejected me and threw me under the bus constantly when I was growing up. In my heart I really don’t feel much love for her. My relationship with my dad and siblings is better - I would want to help if one of them reached out to me.

Also, I am a single mom, saving for my own retirement and my 2 kids’ college in the next few years.

AITA if I do not want to help her, at all? My siblings and I could and would have helped her make better decisions, but she basically gave her money away and is now hinting that she wants us to take care of her.

One of my brothers makes a ton of $$$ compared to me and my other siblings and was/is her favorite. He knows he is the obvious “helper” but he has worked hard for his money, has his own family to worry about, and also recognizes my mom’s role in this and is not happy about it.

Do I make it clear now that I can’t/won’t help? My mom is clueless enough to think I might what with my “fancy” job and “East Coast lifestyle”.

Now read this message in voice of your grown up kid when you're 67 and have made few mistakes in your life. Nobody is perfect and you might find yourself in dire straights at the end of the life despite your planning for the future. I'm not saying you should shoulder all the burden, but you need to be kinder and pay it forward. Not crowdsource support for your washing your hands. You don't want to help her, then don't, but own it. And plan for your own future so that you won't ever need any family support.

What is this about “paying it forward “?

I did not ask to be born, and I certainly didn’t ask to be born to a mother who really didn’t treat me very well as a young child or growing up, and has been unreliable and irresponsible the whole time. I can’t even count the times she has made horrible decisions, in spite of having people around her who cared who gave her solid advice. She has always just done what she wanted to. I suppose I can count myself lucky because it is only her, and not the rest of my family, who has acted this way.

To me, the only sort of paying it forward would mean that I am doing the best for my children so that they will not be burdened by having to support me in my old age, by my saving and making good decisions for my retirement. But since my mother did not do that for me, there is not much to pay forward. There is only breaking the cycle.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the PP who said don't offer her help or don't start any discussions about what to do. Indeed, if you offer her help, she'll happily quit her job and you'll be stuck. People like that don't plan and live day-by-day, she's not going to change and you know that. Just mind your own business and once the SHTF you'll see what you can do, until then lay low.

[Anonymous]

Take care of you and your kids FIRST. Let big money brother take the hit.

Sounds like your brother is the golden child.

My guess is you have been taught to please people and feel you must help your mom even if it would put you and your kids at financial risk.

I’ve been trained the same way by a bad parent.