My mom gave her money away and now has nothing

[Anonymous]

Break off contact now with your mother. Once you give a penny there will be an expectation you will bail her out. She made poor choices so she needs to deal with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious about the rich brother. In my family, I am the adult child with the most money. However, the other siblings made colossal mistakes while also using my mom for free childcare, living in her home, and taking tens of thousands of dollars from her. I’m richer bc I learned to be independent abd not obsessed on by mom. Yet my sister has washed her hands from her and it’s really not fair

I mean, I’m in the same position but so what? The needy taker sibling does not magically develop new coping and healing skills just because they should if things were fair.

This thread isn’t about taker siblings. None of the siblings are “takers” - we are all gainfully employed, it’s just that 3 out of 4 have service-related or low paying academic careers and we all have families of our own to take care of. We have not taken anything from my mom. Nor has my mom given any of us anything since we left home. She has freely given her time and money to unrelated people who were takers. Now she regrets it. But due to the way she treated me, and the decisions she made, I don’t feel compelled to help her any more than I would a stranger.

[Anonymous]

DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR MONEY.
DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU AT ANY POINT IN THE FUTURE.

The help you can give will be in the form of research and paperwork to access senior services, Meal on Wheels, Medicaid nursing homes, etc, in her area, when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is 67. She initiated divorce 11 years ago or so, they split everything 50/50 and she would have been fine had she not made a series of colossal bad decisions.

She: “helped” a friend who it turns out took half her assets
- quit a stable 3/4 time job at age 57 to “retire” and her pension is miniscule and not keeping up with COL
- sold a condo she could easily afford the payments on, did who-knows-what with the proceeds and now has no housing. She rents an apartment near the big box store where she works.
- moved in with an a guy who gave us the creeps and convinced herself this was the way to go. That relationship ended a year ago - yep, he turned out to be abusive - and somehow she came away with nothing.

So now she is 67 and working FT at a big box, and can’t afford to quit. We know it will not last forever, so my siblings and I have been a little on edge about what will happen when that arrangement goes south.

I already have a complicated relationship with my mom since she basically rejected me and threw me under the bus constantly when I was growing up. In my heart I really don’t feel much love for her. My relationship with my dad and siblings is better - I would want to help if one of them reached out to me.

Also, I am a single mom, saving for my own retirement and my 2 kids’ college in the next few years.

AITA if I do not want to help her, at all? My siblings and I could and would have helped her make better decisions, but she basically gave her money away and is now hinting that she wants us to take care of her.

One of my brothers makes a ton of $$$ compared to me and my other siblings and was/is her favorite. He knows he is the obvious “helper” but he has worked hard for his money, has his own family to worry about, and also recognizes my mom’s role in this and is not happy about it.

Do I make it clear now that I can’t/won’t help? My mom is clueless enough to think I might what with my “fancy” job and “East Coast lifestyle”.

OP I am your brother in this scenario.

None of you are required to help your mother.

I have a similar experience with my mother, her choices were and still are worse than your mothers. My mother once gave her brother $10,000 to bail him out of jail from a child porn ring charge ie selling and producing child porn, who does that?????? That is just one example of the poor judgment of my dear old mother.

That happened when my father was still alive and my parents were in their early 70's. Now mom's in her 80's dad's gone, no money whatsoever except small social security. She has a house with a mortgage I have no idea how the house has not been foreclosed on. Most likely one of my sisters is helping. I have not asked and I am over a having a toxic relationship with a woman who puts criminals over her own children, and has never once treated us well.

There is no moral obligation to help your parents. Especially if it will affect your children and your life.

I am at peace with my decision.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I mean I wouldn't be happy about this either, but it's not giving money to bail someone out of jail. You get the money back. Did she not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

This doesn't actually seem like helpful advice - the mother isn't being tossed out on the street, so it seems like you're claiming some moral superiority that doesn't exist. You say it's hyperbole - so what would you do? Let him move in with you? Take from your kid's college savings to support him? The OP is asking for support, not judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

That’s your choice. My dad tossed me out so I don’t have that many moral qualms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR MONEY.
DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU AT ANY POINT IN THE FUTURE.

The help you can give will be in the form of research and paperwork to access senior services, Meal on Wheels, Medicaid nursing homes, etc, in her area, when the time comes.

This this this.

I am on the thread (not the OP of it) about getting a low-effort sibling to be of some use, and I am evidently a controlling and unreasonable person, which is not how I would like to be thought of but in this case I think it cements my authority when I say: Keep your distance. You don't have to ice your mom out completely, and you don't have to scorekeep, but you can do what the PP recommends and it will be all the kindness and generosity a reasonable person (IOW, not your mother) could expect of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

This doesn't actually seem like helpful advice - the mother isn't being tossed out on the street, so it seems like you're claiming some moral superiority that doesn't exist. You say it's hyperbole - so what would you do? Let him move in with you? Take from your kid's college savings to support him? The OP is asking for support, not judgement.

First of all, I said that the hyperbole wasn't on point. Second of all, I'm in no way morally superior. If you're reading that and YOU Feel that was, that says more about you. And in my post, I said what I'd do. I would give only what I could afford, not at the expense of my family (like retirement and 529). At the very least, I'd help fill out the paperwork to get any benefits and they'd be left with those options.

And, frankly, this is an opinion board. Opinions and judgment are part of it. I've been on the receiving and giving end of that. Sometimes it's hard to hear but if you don't want to hear it, and hear opposing or judgement, then this place is not for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

That’s your choice. My dad tossed me out so I don’t have that many moral qualms.

Indeed your choice. But in OP's situation, that appears not to be the case so not really apples to apples.

[Anonymous]

Your brother may not step in, but that does not mean you have to - you both have a choice. You should not sacrifice your own family for your mother; it’ll take you down. Decide what you are willing and able to do (and it’s fine if it’s nothing) and stick to that.

[Anonymous]

I would just gather the family together with your mom and talk about things.

Mom - you lost all your money! You are still working, but obviously people can't work together.

We can't help you with money. But we can help you plan what happens when you can no longer work and pay your rent, so that you aren't surprised if and when that happens.

Let's research - what places are there in our community for elderly people on Social security who have no assets? Time to get on some waiting lists? Maybe she needs to move to a different area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just gather the family together with your mom and talk about things.

Mom - you lost all your money! You are still working, but obviously people can't work together.

We can't help you with money. But we can help you plan what happens when you can no longer work and pay your rent, so that you aren't surprised if and when that happens.

Let's research - what places are there in our community for elderly people on Social security who have no assets? Time to get on some waiting lists? Maybe she needs to move to a different area?

What “places” do you mean? Other than nursing homes for those who qualify for long term Medicaid and homeless shelters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

My mother was abused and neglected by her parents and still helped out when her mother gave all her money away and ended up in need of support.

But just because some people are angels doesn't mean everyone has an obligation to help out abusive or neglectful family. I for one definitely think OP should not sacrifice a penny of her own money to help out this mother of hers!

[Anonymous]

I can tell you one thing, when you "help" her she will quit that job!