My mom gave her money away and now has nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

This doesn't actually seem like helpful advice - the mother isn't being tossed out on the street, so it seems like you're claiming some moral superiority that doesn't exist. You say it's hyperbole - so what would you do? Let him move in with you? Take from your kid's college savings to support him? The OP is asking for support, not judgement.

First of all, I said that the hyperbole wasn't on point. Second of all, I'm in no way morally superior. If you're reading that and YOU Feel that was, that says more about you. And in my post, I said what I'd do. I would give only what I could afford, not at the expense of my family (like retirement and 529). At the very least, I'd help fill out the paperwork to get any benefits and they'd be left with those options.

And, frankly, this is an opinion board. Opinions and judgment are part of it. I've been on the receiving and giving end of that. Sometimes it's hard to hear but if you don't want to hear it, and hear opposing or judgement, then this place is not for you.

DP. Yeah, no. I'm looking at one person raging about "such self-entitled a$$holes," and I'm pretty sure that's you.

[Anonymous]

Moneyed brother should buy her a place to live that is easy for an old person. Nothing fancy but something with a first floor or elevator accessible bedroom and bath. He should keep it in his name but let her live there and sell it when she dies or moves and he gets his moeny back hopefully and maybe some profit. Not sure you can suggest that to him tho. But that’s what my husband and I were going to do with his mom

[Anonymous]

I’d want to figure out how large sums of money are disappearing, other than due to the
bad boyfriend. Does mom have an issue with substance abuse or gambling or is she being blackmailed or covering up for some telemarketing scam she is too embarrassed to say she fell victim to? Find out what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just gather the family together with your mom and talk about things.

Mom - you lost all your money! You are still working, but obviously people can't work together.

We can't help you with money. But we can help you plan what happens when you can no longer work and pay your rent, so that you aren't surprised if and when that happens.

Let's research - what places are there in our community for elderly people on Social security who have no assets? Time to get on some waiting lists? Maybe she needs to move to a different area?

What “places” do you mean? Other than nursing homes for those who qualify for long term Medicaid and homeless shelters.

Subsidized senior assited living?

https://aging.maryland.gov/Pages/senior-assisted-living-subsidy-program.aspx

HUD senior housing?

https://www.hud.gov/states/maryland/homeownership/seniors

[Anonymous]

https://www.hocmc.org/extra/2-uncategorised/157-specialized-programs-for-the-elderly-disabled.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contribute a nominal amount, make the rich brother take the lead in dealing with her about this. Set boundaries, financial and emotional. As long as she is physically able to work and pay her bills, no financial help should be forthcoming. She may live to be 85 — there is no reason to help her financially until she is physically unable to work.

OP can't "make" the rich brother do anything.

This, and he shouldn’t either. She’s not his responsibility or yours op. You are not TA. She sounds totally irresponsible and deserves to live in poverty. She can sign up for all of the social services we pay taxes for.

[Anonymous]

Housing will be the biggest concern. Find a way, amongst siblings, to help purchase housing where you collectively make the down payment and she pays the mortgage rather than pay rent.

[Anonymous]

I mean, she pushed you out of her vaj, right? You do owe her something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, she pushed you out of her vaj, right? You do owe her something.

Which is where the research comes in. But OP doesn't need to join her mother in making bad financial decisions. That's not a bonding experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. No moral obligation to help parents? I swear to god I don't know how some of you live with yourselves thinking things like this.

Do you put your family's needs first? Yes. 10000% yes. Do you not help in some ways to make sure your mother is not homeless and suffering? Also yes. That doesn't mean that you give her all or even a lot of your money. Maybe you fill out the paperwork for any benefits and qualify her for Medicaid and send her on her way (with whatever your siblings also help with or however you all agree to it).

But- no moral obligation to parents? Americans are such self-entitled a$$holes towards the elderly, even when it is your own parents.

And FTR, my father was ACTUALLY abusive. Have not talked in 25 years. But would I let him be tossed out on the streets (I'm using hyperbole here) - no.

This doesn't actually seem like helpful advice - the mother isn't being tossed out on the street, so it seems like you're claiming some moral superiority that doesn't exist. You say it's hyperbole - so what would you do? Let him move in with you? Take from your kid's college savings to support him? The OP is asking for support, not judgement.

First of all, I said that the hyperbole wasn't on point. Second of all, I'm in no way morally superior. If you're reading that and YOU Feel that was, that says more about you. And in my post, I said what I'd do. I would give only what I could afford, not at the expense of my family (like retirement and 529). At the very least, I'd help fill out the paperwork to get any benefits and they'd be left with those options.

And, frankly, this is an opinion board. Opinions and judgment are part of it. I've been on the receiving and giving end of that. Sometimes it's hard to hear but if you don't want to hear it, and hear opposing or judgement, then this place is not for you.

DP. Yeah, no. I'm looking at one person raging about "such self-entitled a$$holes," and I'm pretty sure that's you.

I'm pretty sure you don't know what that term means if you think this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 67. She initiated divorce 11 years ago or so, they split everything 50/50 and she would have been fine had she not made a series of colossal bad decisions.

She: “helped” a friend who it turns out took half her assets
- quit a stable 3/4 time job at age 57 to “retire” and her pension is miniscule and not keeping up with COL
- sold a condo she could easily afford the payments on, did who-knows-what with the proceeds and now has no housing. She rents an apartment near the big box store where she works.
- moved in with an a guy who gave us the creeps and convinced herself this was the way to go. That relationship ended a year ago - yep, he turned out to be abusive - and somehow she came away with nothing.

So now she is 67 and working FT at a big box, and can’t afford to quit. We know it will not last forever, so my siblings and I have been a little on edge about what will happen when that arrangement goes south.

I already have a complicated relationship with my mom since she basically rejected me and threw me under the bus constantly when I was growing up. In my heart I really don’t feel much love for her. My relationship with my dad and siblings is better - I would want to help if one of them reached out to me.

Also, I am a single mom, saving for my own retirement and my 2 kids’ college in the next few years.

AITA if I do not want to help her, at all? My siblings and I could and would have helped her make better decisions, but she basically gave her money away and is now hinting that she wants us to take care of her.

One of my brothers makes a ton of $$$ compared to me and my other siblings and was/is her favorite. He knows he is the obvious “helper” but he has worked hard for his money, has his own family to worry about, and also recognizes my mom’s role in this and is not happy about it.

Do I make it clear now that I can’t/won’t help? My mom is clueless enough to think I might what with my “fancy” job and “East Coast lifestyle”.

Now read this message in voice of your grown up kid when you're 67 and have made few mistakes in your life. Nobody is perfect and you might find yourself in dire straights at the end of the life despite your planning for the future. I'm not saying you should shoulder all the burden, but you need to be kinder and pay it forward. Not crowdsource support for your washing your hands. You don't want to help her, then don't, but own it. And plan for your own future so that you won't ever need any family support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moneyed brother should buy her a place to live that is easy for an old person. Nothing fancy but something with a first floor or elevator accessible bedroom and bath. He should keep it in his name but let her live there and sell it when she dies or moves and he gets his moeny back hopefully and maybe some profit. Not sure you can suggest that to him tho. But that’s what my husband and I were going to do with his mom

This is awful advice. First the brother is under no obligation to buy his mother a place to live because she recklessly sold her place. As she ages who is going to then pay when she needs help.

Looking at an actuary chart- Actuarially, the mother may expect to live another 18.6 years until age 85.6. That’s a long time to own a house with a lot of expenses.

The mother needs to keep working and find senior housing in her community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is 67. She initiated divorce 11 years ago or so, they split everything 50/50 and she would have been fine had she not made a series of colossal bad decisions.

She: “helped” a friend who it turns out took half her assets
- quit a stable 3/4 time job at age 57 to “retire” and her pension is miniscule and not keeping up with COL
- sold a condo she could easily afford the payments on, did who-knows-what with the proceeds and now has no housing. She rents an apartment near the big box store where she works.
- moved in with an a guy who gave us the creeps and convinced herself this was the way to go. That relationship ended a year ago - yep, he turned out to be abusive - and somehow she came away with nothing.

So now she is 67 and working FT at a big box, and can’t afford to quit. We know it will not last forever, so my siblings and I have been a little on edge about what will happen when that arrangement goes south.

I already have a complicated relationship with my mom since she basically rejected me and threw me under the bus constantly when I was growing up. In my heart I really don’t feel much love for her. My relationship with my dad and siblings is better - I would want to help if one of them reached out to me.

Also, I am a single mom, saving for my own retirement and my 2 kids’ college in the next few years.

AITA if I do not want to help her, at all? My siblings and I could and would have helped her make better decisions, but she basically gave her money away and is now hinting that she wants us to take care of her.

One of my brothers makes a ton of $$$ compared to me and my other siblings and was/is her favorite. He knows he is the obvious “helper” but he has worked hard for his money, has his own family to worry about, and also recognizes my mom’s role in this and is not happy about it.

Do I make it clear now that I can’t/won’t help? My mom is clueless enough to think I might what with my “fancy” job and “East Coast lifestyle”.

Now read this message in voice of your grown up kid when you're 67 and have made few mistakes in your life. Nobody is perfect and you might find yourself in dire straights at the end of the life despite your planning for the future. I'm not saying you should shoulder all the burden, but you need to be kinder and pay it forward. Not crowdsource support for your washing your hands. You don't want to help her, then don't, but own it. And plan for your own future so that you won't ever need any family support.

It’s not a few little mistakes. The mother selfishly made major mistakes. At age 56 the mother decided to initiate divorce then quit her 3/4 time job at age 57. Then she let a “friend” take half her assets. Then she foolishly sold her condo and that money was wasted.

If the mother had unexpected major medical expenses, was in some kind of accident, was a victim of crime maybe OP would be more sympathetic. Why should OP now sacrifice and eventually have to work more because her mother decided to divorce and then retire the next year at 57 after getting half the marital assets.

Some people really are selfish and as they age those people get more selfish. If OP starts giving now it will be approximately 18 more years of giving.

[Anonymous]

Renting an apartment is housing. I don't see why she needs any help. She works, she has a pension, and why can't she take social security.
She needs to scale down spending as the money she used to have, is gone. Let her live on minimum several years and she gets used to it.
She has no business buying a home so late in life. Buying right now is more expensive than renting most likely. Renting allows her to go down to a studio or even a room, or move to even lower cols of living area.
You give no numbers. I'm guessing she needs $3k a month after taxes to survive. Does her work, pension, and SS give it to her?
Tell he is she can dog-sit for extra. She needs to learn to budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Renting an apartment is housing. I don't see why she needs any help. She works, she has a pension, and why can't she take social security.
She needs to scale down spending as the money she used to have, is gone. Let her live on minimum several years and she gets used to it.
She has no business buying a home so late in life. Buying right now is more expensive than renting most likely. Renting allows her to go down to a studio or even a room, or move to even lower cols of living area.
You give no numbers. I'm guessing she needs $3k a month after taxes to survive. Does her work, pension, and SS give it to her?
Tell he is she can dog-sit for extra. She needs to learn to budget.

It’s not “right now” we are worried about. She is working FT and just about making ends meet. But we know her big box job won’t last forever - either her health will fail or she will get fired or something else will happen that will make her quit, based on her track record with employment. At that point she will be in bad shape.