Where to get help? I am running out of money, taking care of my mom.

[Anonymous]

I am a sandwich generation caregiver with my own family and three kids and husband I have been financially helping my mom for 14 years because she was a full-time homemaker and after my parents divorced, my dad died and she got nothing. Several years ago I bought my mom a condo which we recently had to sell after she took an unfortunate fall and ended up in a nursing rehab facility, and I had to move her from a different state over to Maryland.I ended up relocating her nearby, I employee a private caregiver 40 hours a week in a home care model because the nursing facility she was in was negligent and I am currently thinking about suing them.


I took a significant amount of money out of my savings to help my mom. I don’t regret doing it, but I am alarmed at the amount of money I’m spending months helping her. I am burning through my savings and I probably can manage this for one or two more years before my money runs out. I am 12 years from retirement and terrified. I will have nothing after all of this. But I can’t abandon my mom and I don’t know what to do.


She is currently living in a small condo that I purchased for her use. She gets a small amount of Social Security money. I pay for everything, including the mortgage and bills. And the caregiver.

I do not have siblings or family members to help so this is all falling on me. Mom could live another two years or another 20 years, I have no idea. I want to make sure she is taking care of.


I don’t know the process for getting my mom Medicaid. I have researched some things and everything is very contradictory. Why do we have to make our parents totally destitute before they qualify? It seems so wrong. I don’t want to be homeless Either, and I am watching the money fly out of my accounts at an eye watering pace. I still have a daughter to pay for college and private school and Ieither, and I am watching the money fly out of my accounts at an eye watering pace. I still have a daughter to pay for college and private school and I am just short of panicking.

I am scared of contacting an attorney because I don’t want to get taken for a ride with fees. How do I find somebody trustworthy? I need solid advice, but I don’t know who to trust. Can someone recommend a nonprofit or other independent organization that has helped you avoid being taken for a ride?

I’m currently spending my daughters college money on my mom’s final years of care and it doesn’t seem fair.

[Anonymous]

Is your mother receiving social security? Does she have any other income? What are her assets? You can spend your money or not, as you wish.

Here is the MD FAQ for your situation
https://health.maryland.gov/mmcp/longtermcare/Pages/Nursing-Facility-Residents,-Recipients-and-Family-Members.aspx

[Anonymous]

If she is not medically eligible, you'll need to move her in with you and care for her. This is why planning for your retirement is the greatest gift you can give your children.

[Anonymous]

She has a small social security check but not enough to live on. We save most of her checks for emergency money. No other assets.
The condo we sold was in both our names. The new one I bought for her is in my name only.
She doesn’t have any retirement accounts since she was a stay at home mom. Without me she would have been destitute years ago.

[Anonymous]

She’s medically eligible. She lost her ability to swallow and lives on a permanent feeding tube and is also on oxygen.

[Anonymous]

Then she needs to spend down her assets and go into a Medicaid nursing facility. There are no other options and a lawyer is a waste of money. Or you can perpetuate the cycle and spend all your money on her and ensure your daughter must do the same for you. It's awful, I sympathize.

[Anonymous]

It makes no sense to provide that much care for your mom and have her live alone. Does she really need so much in home care. 40 hours a week is a lot. Can you move her in with you?

I’d check with the Department of Social Services and also Adult Protective services.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't bankrupt yourself to pay for your mom. And you can't take from your child's education to pay for your mom.

When did you sell the condo that had both your names on it? Can you prove that "she" and/or you spent the proceeds on her care?

Medicaid has a 5 year look-back. They can take any money she made in the last 5 years if it was given to someone else. Sounds like you are covered given all you have spent on her care. Just make sure you have the documentation.

You need to find her a Medicaid bed in a Medicaid nursing home. She has no quality of life. She has exhausted her money and is exhausting yours.

I think you have to accept that when an elderly person is this far along in being incapacitated it is expensive AND terrible no matter where you are.

You owe yourself, your family and your daughter a future, especially after all you have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then she needs to spend down her assets and go into a Medicaid nursing facility. There are no other options and a lawyer is a waste of money. Or you can perpetuate the cycle and spend all your money on her and ensure your daughter must do the same for you. It's awful, I sympathize.

+1

[Anonymous]

Also, is she getting her ex husband's amount of Social Security? If they were married 10 years she is eligible for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes no sense to provide that much care for your mom and have her live alone. Does she really need so much in home care. 40 hours a week is a lot. Can you move her in with you?

Hmmm, 40 hours/week actually isn't a lot for someone who is on a feeding tube. There seems to be some disconnect here on the capacity of the mom.

As someone who took care of scheduling for her own mom, there are 168 in a week.

I think the choice is to sell the condo and move Mom in with OP if she doesn't need 24 hr care, or find a Medicaid bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, is she getting her ex husband's amount of Social Security? If they were married 10 years she is eligible for that.

I wondered the same thing, then remembered she never worked and is getting some SSI. So it must be from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a sandwich generation caregiver with my own family and three kids and husband I have been financially helping my mom for 14 years because she was a full-time homemaker and after my parents divorced, my dad died and she got nothing. Several years ago I bought my mom a condo which we recently had to sell after she took an unfortunate fall and ended up in a nursing rehab facility, and I had to move her from a different state over to Maryland.I ended up relocating her nearby, I employee a private caregiver 40 hours a week in a home care model because the nursing facility she was in was negligent and I am currently thinking about suing them.


I took a significant amount of money out of my savings to help my mom. I don’t regret doing it, but I am alarmed at the amount of money I’m spending months helping her. I am burning through my savings and I probably can manage this for one or two more years before my money runs out. I am 12 years from retirement and terrified. I will have nothing after all of this. But I can’t abandon my mom and I don’t know what to do.


She is currently living in a small condo that I purchased for her use. She gets a small amount of Social Security money. I pay for everything, including the mortgage and bills. And the caregiver.

I do not have siblings or family members to help so this is all falling on me. Mom could live another two years or another 20 years, I have no idea. I want to make sure she is taking care of.


I don’t know the process for getting my mom Medicaid. I have researched some things and everything is very contradictory. Why do we have to make our parents totally destitute before they qualify? It seems so wrong. I don’t want to be homeless Either, and I am watching the money fly out of my accounts at an eye watering pace. I still have a daughter to pay for college and private school and Ieither, and I am watching the money fly out of my accounts at an eye watering pace. I still have a daughter to pay for college and private school and I am just short of panicking.

I am scared of contacting an attorney because I don’t want to get taken for a ride with fees. How do I find somebody trustworthy? I need solid advice, but I don’t know who to trust. Can someone recommend a nonprofit or other independent organization that has helped you avoid being taken for a ride?

I’m currently spending my daughters college money on my mom’s final years of care and it doesn’t seem fair.

What you're doing is not fair to your family!!!

You need to take care of the rising generation not the the one dieing. You mom should have done this too. It was irresponsible for her not to do this. Actually this situation is exactly why no woman should EVER depend on a man. The model you are setting for your daughter with ricochet through your family legacy for many generations and will keep them all living tight, especially the women. You need yo know that.

That said, you're already in this pretty deep. If your mom has no money she does qualify for Medicaid. Sign her up immediately. I'd also find a nearby home that you can visit covered by her SS. Don't move her into your house unless you also want a divorce and to end up like your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is not medically eligible, you'll need to move her in with you and care for her. This is why planning for your retirement is the greatest gift you can give your children.

+1
You need to plan for your retirement and your daughter's education.

Don't move her in with you. It's a slippery slope to he!!

[Anonymous]

I am shocked by how many are recommending she abandon her mom. Shame on you. OP, I'd move her in with you.