Where to get help? I am running out of money, taking care of my mom.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It makes no sense to provide that much care for your mom and have her live alone. Does she really need so much in home care. 40 hours a week is a lot. Can you move her in with you?

I’d check with the Department of Social Services and also Adult Protective services.

Area Agency on Aging. Adult Protective Services is like CPS for old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It makes no sense to provide that much care for your mom and have her live alone. Does she really need so much in home care. 40 hours a week is a lot. Can you move her in with you?

Hmmm, 40 hours/week actually isn't a lot for someone who is on a feeding tube. There seems to be some disconnect here on the capacity of the mom.

As someone who took care of scheduling for her own mom, there are 168 in a week.

I think the choice is to sell the condo and move Mom in with OP if she doesn't need 24 hr care, or find a Medicaid bed.

Agree that 40 isn’t a lot under the circumstances. What I meant is that 40 is a lot of that’s what it takes to stay in the home, especially when you have no resources and someone else needs to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked by how many are recommending she abandon her mom. Shame on you. OP, I'd move her in with you.

Nobody has said this. Everyone has supported OP and are offering alternatives given that OP can’t continue with what she’s doing.

[Anonymous]

It makes no sense that she isn’t on Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why she is living in a condo but incapable of caring for herself. Move her in with you. She needs to be on Medicare. What you are doing is a disservice to yourself. All of your money is going to your mother and will you retire and become old, you are going to be the same problem to your kids as she is for you.

[Anonymous]

For all to stay at home mom‘s reading this thread. I hope you’re paying attention. Unfortunately this is not uncommon especially for those of us who have parents born in the 1940s and 50s. Those days it was not uncommon for women never to work outside the home. Retirement planning for stay at home moms is largely nonexistent. It is good that OP is there for her mom. Being a part of the sandwich generation is difficult and often there are no clean or easy answers on what to do. I empathize and sympathize with her deeply. For anyone reading this who is a stay at home and is relying on a husband or wife to take care of their needs and retirement, start thinking really hard about that because it could be your children writing about you.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, I hope someone here offers some wisdom you can live with. What a tough situation, and I know very well how much all that care costs as we are doing the same except it is from my parent’s savings.

Very good point, from PP. I need a plan for my own retirement years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why she is living in a condo but incapable of caring for herself. Move her in with you. She needs to be on Medicare. What you are doing is a disservice to yourself. All of your money is going to your mother and will you retire and become old, you are going to be the same problem to your kids as she is for you.

+1 If she is in that bad shape, she may qualify for some in home care via medicaid. And agree, she should qualify for the ex's social security benefits.

https://faq.ssa.gov/en-us/Topic/article/KA-02083

Also, I would pull your daughter out of private school if you live in a school district that is decent. You need to be saving for your own retirement so that you don't end up like your mo m.

[Anonymous]

1. People who say lawyers are a “waste” when dealing with Medicaid/asset issues don’t know what they’re talking about. Medicaid/asset/spend down issues are complex and not for amateurs or dabblers.

2. Ditto people who say Medicaid “can take” things. Medicaid doesn’t “take” anything (during life; afterward they may levy on a lien). They simply deny otherwise-qualified for until those benefits offset whatever assets they decide were misappropriated.

3. Ditto people who talk about Medicare when what is at issue is Medicaid.

Check the website for the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (NAELA), where specialists are listed. If you worry about the fees, shop around and get quotes up front.

Commingling of your mother’s assets and yours (whether in actuality or merely on paper) may be a complicating factor, as PP’s have observed.

What you have done is commendable, but you may not be able to continue it. While learning about what level of in home care might be available via any benefits your mother is entitled to you need to start facility shopping.

[Anonymous]

What city or town does she live I ? Call the health and human services department in that municipality - they likely have a social worker on staff who can help direct you to resources. Alongside that you should Google the “Aging Services Area Provider” (ASAP) that covers where she lives. They will also be able to help connect you to resources.

[Anonymous]

In the hopes of helping others prevent some of this stress, I will say your heart was in the right place, but it's important to think about breaking the cycle. If you continue down this path, you do to your kids what mom did to you.

Instead, ideally, before buying her a condo, but since that is too late, now you need to find out from counsel on aging and APS what is available within her means. Ideally before spending so much, you could have hired a lawyer to figure out the best situation given her financial situation.

Not one person here said abandon mom. It's about not taking from your family to make mom comfortable and instead exploring the best situation available given her finances.

Also, do not move her in. I could give a million reasons why, but just search on here.

[Anonymous]

You needed to get her on Medicaid from the get-go, OP, as soon as she couldn't stay in her condo.

You NEED to do this. Ask for your county's senior aide group for help. Even hire a lawyer for a few hours of advice. But this has to be done ASAP.

An adult child should never have to spend their retirement for anyone apart from themselves. Not for your beloved mother, not for your beloved children. Because no one is going to look after YOU.

Get a move on! Do not spend a penny more of your own money than you can help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has a small social security check but not enough to live on. We save most of her checks for emergency money. No other assets.
The condo we sold was in both our names. The new one I bought for her is in my name only.
She doesn’t have any retirement accounts since she was a stay at home mom. Without me she would have been destitute years ago.

Her current status *is* an emergency

[Anonymous]

OP if you are in Virginia and your mom just has social security, she may be eligible for an auxiliary grant which would allow for an assisted living placement. She would need to be both financially and medically eligible.

After a series of falls we were able to get my mother approved. She is in a beautiful assisted living and contributes her social security. The county also contributes and the assisted living agrees to take less. It is a lot of paperwork, but very much worth it if she is eligible. She would also be eligible for Medicaid which helps with prescriptions: https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/contact/Mobile/ProgramDetail.aspx?agId=100520

[Anonymous]

I will address the situation of your daughter. As a family, it's ethical to ask your daughter for help too.

Regardless of whether you continue private school, your daughter can help by keeping her grades high and by becoming a great candidate for scholarships.

I have been impressed by the amount of free money out there for kids with excellent track records and no college savings. The selective universities are trying to level the playing field.

You might also want to make sure that your daughter is being mentored by people who can help her tap into local opportunities. Make an appointment with the school guidance counselors who work with seniors and find out what they know. Have your daughter make it a job to figure these things out.

By taking free actions to prepare your daughter and asking her to assume some responsibility, you may be able to strengthen your family and somewhat ease your heart. One of the things about financial privilege is that it makes you aware of opportunities...sometimes less financially privileged kids just don't know where to look. But information is "free" as is help with curriculum and career planning. Even library books can help.

We all wish we could do everything for our children, but sometimes we can't. If your family is close, your daughter will likely understand. It is a already a good thing that you are modeling a loving, conscientious home.