How do I stop blaming DH?

[Anonymous]

I am fully aware that how I feel is irrational and my behavior inappropriate.

Last year the company DH worked for unexpectedly closed. Thankfully he secured new employment, but everything is different now. Where he once had seniority, now he is at the bottom of the totem poll. Where he once had a normal, predictable schedule, now he finds himself working late hours without notice. Where it was once easy for him to take time off, he now finds it’s not as easy to take personal time. Worst of all, he took a temporary pay cut, and while we are feeling it and have all had to make changes.

While I have no upwards mobility with my job, I have been working overtime to figure out ways to save money at home to make up the difference. I’d considered even finding part time work but can’t find anything that works with our kids and DH often unpredictable schedule. We would need childcare which costs money, so I am just making changes elsewhere. DH is guaranteed a promotion at the end of the year and things will improve then, but in the meantime I’m working my butt off to make ends meet without depleting our savings. (We aren’t fortunate enough to be DCUM rich, so yes, we are struggling.)

But my question is, how do I stop blaming DH for this? It was completely out of his control and I know this, but when things get hard at home, either financially or in regards to him not being here as much, I blame him. And then I hate myself for it. Any advice on how to stop this?

[Anonymous]

You could think about how much harder it would be if he were not employed at all, and be grateful he has a job. Lots of laid off tech people don't.

[Anonymous]

You keep telling yourself the truth until you believe it.

And yes, you are so lucky he found employment. Things could have been so much worse and are worse for a lot of people.

[Anonymous]

You are blaming him b/c you are worried/anxious about the situation. It is ok to be worried, it is fantastic you realize that blaming him is not helping. It can be "easier" to blame someone else, rather than admit to ourselves- this sucks, it doesn't feel fair, this is hard. This is a time of uncertainty, so to place "blame" makes us get a small semblance of control in a time where you don't feel like you have any- and in all honesty, you don't have control over what happened.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. When you find ourself blaming him- just notice it in your head, it will pass, think of good things about him and look for those too. You never know, he too may be blaming himself on the inside too- this also is not helpful or healthy.

You sound like a good partner trying to navigate an unexpected, big, bump in the road!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You keep telling yourself the truth until you believe it.

And yes, you are so lucky he found employment. Things could have been so much worse and are worse for a lot of people.

This is so true.

I keep seeing article after article about layoffs in tech and corporate America. These unemployment numbers don’t count the number of underemployed and discouraged workers in the economy. He is lucky that he found another job that quickly that is related to what he was doing before.

[Anonymous]

First, you're right to NOT try to shoehorn in a second, part-time job. You are likely to get posts here insisting you should get a second job, but do not second-guess your smart decision not to do so. A second job would create a huge amount of additional stress on top of the stress you already feel, because as you wisely realize, with kids and his unpredictable schedule, a second job will end up costing you in mental stress and if you have to have even a little child care/sitting, that will eat money anyway. Someone's likely to come along and say, "But but but, work online from home, it's so easy, do it when the kids are sleeping!" etc. So easily said, not so easily done, and OP -- at some point you do HAVE to sleep, eat, and maintain some time with your children and DH. You're smart to find other places to cut expenses, instead, for now.

A couple of thoughts:

--Do you think your "blaming" DH might actually be misplaced frustration, on your part, that he doesn't see or doesn't acknowledge all the things you are doing to make ends meet? Is he fully aware that you (just for instance) are buying cheaper foods at the grocery store, haven't bought the kids new clothes for a while even though they might need a few new things, etc.? You might actually be feeling underappreciated for changes he just isn't even aware are happening, especially if he's super focused on this new job and distracted by the irregular schedule etc. Talk to him. Walk him through the changes if you haven't already. Not in a "Look at me!" way but in a "We're a team and I'd like you to understand this" way. It might help both of you.

--You note that he is guaranteed a promotion at the end of the year. Keep reminding yourself of that. He did lose things like personal time but it sounds as if he did negotiate a new job where he gets this promotion and that's positive.

--Is it possible that you miss the structure of the previous life, OP? When he had more time off, and more predictable hours, and you knew he could be more hands-on with the kids, do more pickups, you could take vacations, and now that's all changed? That too could be turning into misplaced "blame for losing the job" feelings, when they're really "I miss the life we had before and it changed when your job vanished" feelings. It's legit to feel what you feel about the changes to your family's life for now, but assigning blame to him and not to the universe, fate, the previous employer's being stupid/jerks etc. is inaccurate (which you already know and recognize).

--Depending on the circumstances of his former employer's collapse, maybe you blame them, but since they're not actually present in your life every day, it's been placed onto him. I'd reserve being pi$$3d off for being pi$$3d off at the old employer, honestly. I know, they're not living with you. But why is the feeling of assigning blame landing on him in your mind, rather than on them? I'd rage at them in your mind, or vent together with him, and then let it go and try to move on, free of the blame. Has he had a good, hard, angry vent about the old employer yet? Have you?

Try to reframe this in your mind. Consider if you feel underappreciated by him right now, and give him a chance to see the things you're doing to make ends meet. Consider if you're just frustrated and tired, which is perfectly legit, but shouldn't end up on his shoulders. Carve out ANY time that you can to connect with him, too; please don't let what sounds like a tedious but temporary situation -- one he's handled well by finding another job quickly, right? -- create a wedge between you in an otherwise good marriage. I really am rooting for you and DH as a team. It sucks, sucks, sucks, to lose a job through no fault of your own and it does affect the entire family, not just the person who loses the job. I also think you're incredibly self-aware and thoughtful to realize you feel blame but it's not accurate to blame him. Please update us, I really wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

How much do you both make? Your answer will tell us everything...

[Anonymous]

Stop with the DCUM rich. I have been a low income earner my whole life making maximum $50k a year. I live very well and don't sweat about money. I put in my retirement notice once again as I don't need to work.
Why didn't you prepare for this? Who thought good times will last forever?
Your failure to prepare as well as his. Since it bothers you, go get a second job.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see how you are blaming him. This looks like a post full of excusing him. What do you mean when you say that?

[Anonymous]

You just have to remind yourself each time you find yourself getting mad at him that he's lucky to have a job, this could have happened to YOU, and you two will get through this.

[Anonymous]

NP here, I agree with 11:40. Having been on the other side of things as the person losing their job and needing to find a new one, my DH was incredibly supportive and I realized how fortunate I was in spouse and kids. I felt like we were a team in dealing with the impacts of starting a new job - less flexibility and looking at budget/money when I knew my company was closing.

If your DH is telling you how much he appreciates the extra effort you are making and you are both working together with the unpredictable schedule and now to budget/make the numbers work, blame the ex-employer and take on the us (up you and DH) against the world type mentality. If he is banking on promotion and leaving all the extra work on you …and isn’t offering to do more on the weekends or whenever he does have time to make up for the unpredictable times and isn’t working with you to figure out how to save money, that’s the issue. if he was on his own with the kids he would have had to figure something out so I don’t think it would be fair for you to shoulder 100% unless you had explicit conversations and offered.

[Anonymous]

This is a high stress time in your life, so of course your patience is worn thin. That's to be expected.

The good news is that you have the self-awareness to see that the knee-jerk "ugh my husband did this to us" is not based in reality. Circumstances did this to you. The old company did this to you.

Getting upset with yourself for having negative emotions doesn't help anyone. Be kind to yourself. You're under pressure. And be kind to your husband. He's under pressure too. Try practicing words of affirmation . . . tell him when you notice how well he's doing or how hard he's trying. Tell him you appreciate him.

And also tell him that you're scared and frustrated. Not at him. You're a team. But it's OK to verbalize what's hard. It's OK to tell him that you appreciate him and then say, "I need to hear that you appreciate how hard I'm trying too."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are blaming him b/c you are worried/anxious about the situation. It is ok to be worried, it is fantastic you realize that blaming him is not helping. It can be "easier" to blame someone else, rather than admit to ourselves- this sucks, it doesn't feel fair, this is hard. This is a time of uncertainty, so to place "blame" makes us get a small semblance of control in a time where you don't feel like you have any- and in all honesty, you don't have control over what happened.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. When you find ourself blaming him- just notice it in your head, it will pass, think of good things about him and look for those too. You never know, he too may be blaming himself on the inside too- this also is not helpful or healthy.

You sound like a good partner trying to navigate an unexpected, big, bump in the road!

This person wins the award for thoughtful and wise post of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fully aware that how I feel is irrational and my behavior inappropriate.

Last year the company DH worked for unexpectedly closed. Thankfully he secured new employment, but everything is different now. Where he once had seniority, now he is at the bottom of the totem poll. Where he once had a normal, predictable schedule, now he finds himself working late hours without notice. Where it was once easy for him to take time off, he now finds it’s not as easy to take personal time. Worst of all, he took a temporary pay cut, and while we are feeling it and have all had to make changes.

While I have no upwards mobility with my job, I have been working overtime to figure out ways to save money at home to make up the difference. I’d considered even finding part time work but can’t find anything that works with our kids and DH often unpredictable schedule. We would need childcare which costs money, so I am just making changes elsewhere. DH is guaranteed a promotion at the end of the year and things will improve then, but in the meantime I’m working my butt off to make ends meet without depleting our savings. (We aren’t fortunate enough to be DCUM rich, so yes, we are struggling.)

But my question is, how do I stop blaming DH for this? It was completely out of his control and I know this, but when things get hard at home, either financially or in regards to him not being here as much, I blame him. And then I hate myself for it. Any advice on how to stop this?

I’m sorry. This is so hard. Both my husband and I have been laid off. I felt the same about my husband. But I covered for him and did most of the kids things because he needed to prove himself. He is doing the same for me. I can’t just take off (no leave and and still earning trust). It takes awhile for things for things to settle.

And yes, be thankful he has a job! The more you support him the more it will pay off in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Does he work stupid op? What I mean is that he had to know his old company was closing, and you need to understand that he knew. He may have believed their platitudes, and that’s fine, we all do something dumb once in awhile.
What I don’t understand is why you think this pay cut is temporary. Where is he working and why so many unexpected late nights? Can he work from home or find a job that will let him work from home?
I had to fight like a tiger to get my husband to consider working from home, my God was he stubborn. Now that he is working from home, I’m way more chill about unexpected work events.
Your husband has secured the worst of all worlds, less money, more work and you can’t predict the order of your days. You have every right to be resentful and to tell him what you need him to do. First up, he needs to look for another job. If he doesn’t find one, he’s still employed and the new boss may just do exactly what he said he’s going to do. If he does find another job, then great, he’s found another job.
As for you, how are you able to work overtime just because you want to? Many employers including my husband’s wouldn’t let you do that because of their own budget. I’m trying to figure out how your husband got a job with low pay and long unpredictable hours and you have a job where you can work overtime not because the company needs it but because your husband may have been an idiot.
You have every right to feel resentful. Now, you need to take those feelings, put them into concrete actions and tell your husband what he needs to be doing. At a minimum, he needs to be working from home at least when he’s working late, getting more money if he can’t work from home, think doctor or something, or he needs predictability in his schedule. If he’s at a loss for all of these, then he’s getting screwed, or he isn’t working, op. Is there a possibility there is more going on?
For now, just assume he works stupid and try and talk to him. All he needs to do at this point is start looking for another job and talk to his boss. Some are great once they realize they’ve got a good employee.