How do I stop blaming DH?

[Anonymous]

Think about whether you’d be happier if you divorced— and then think about the fact that your marriage vows almost certainly said “for better or for worse.”

[Anonymous]

^^^Someone is projecting ... did you even read the OP?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^Someone is projecting ... did you even read the OP?!

Sorry, that was directed at the "working stupid" poster.

[Anonymous]

OP, consciously work to flip the script and pull yourself back to the positive when you engage in that thought pattern. Focus on being grateful that DH was able to find another job quickly and that he was able to negotiate a coming pay increase. So many are long-term unemployed right now.

Focus on being grateful for your family's health. Gratitude is very effective re: anxiety and rumination, it's a different area of the brain. Even consider a gratitude journal where you job 5 things a day that you are grateful for to shift your perspective.

[Anonymous]

One way to not shatter his self-confidence after a sudden job loss would be to hide your resentment from him. Also, if you want him to come home after work rather than working longer hours then you may want to consider not expressing your anger/anxiety when he walks in the door. It's a very tough situation to get through, particularly if your spouse is resentful and unsupportive. But it's easy for him to avoid the resentment, he just won't come home until after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fully aware that how I feel is irrational and my behavior inappropriate.

Last year the company DH worked for unexpectedly closed. Thankfully he secured new employment, but everything is different now. Where he once had seniority, now he is at the bottom of the totem poll. Where he once had a normal, predictable schedule, now he finds himself working late hours without notice. Where it was once easy for him to take time off, he now finds it’s not as easy to take personal time. Worst of all, he took a temporary pay cut, and while we are feeling it and have all had to make changes.

While I have no upwards mobility with my job, I have been working overtime to figure out ways to save money at home to make up the difference. I’d considered even finding part time work but can’t find anything that works with our kids and DH often unpredictable schedule. We would need childcare which costs money, so I am just making changes elsewhere. DH is guaranteed a promotion at the end of the year and things will improve then, but in the meantime I’m working my butt off to make ends meet without depleting our savings. (We aren’t fortunate enough to be DCUM rich, so yes, we are struggling.)

But my question is, how do I stop blaming DH for this? It was completely out of his control and I know this, but when things get hard at home, either financially or in regards to him not being here as much, I blame him. And then I hate myself for it. Any advice on how to stop this?

Do you feel like he is not working as hard as he could be (i.e. not doing overtime)? Do you feel like he is not trying to figure out ways to save money at home (i.e. he is spending like he still has his prior salary)? If so, I can see resentment building, which would be different than blaming him for losing his job and the current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One way to not shatter his self-confidence after a sudden job loss would be to hide your resentment from him. Also, if you want him to come home after work rather than working longer hours then you may want to consider not expressing your anger/anxiety when he walks in the door. It's a very tough situation to get through, particularly if your spouse is resentful and unsupportive. But it's easy for him to avoid the resentment, he just won't come home until after dinner.

If the genders were reversed would it be okay for the mom to take a lower paying, inflexible job with unpredictable hours and leave DH to take on added kid and household responsibilities plus figuring out for the budget shortfall when they were already working full time and would be told to hide their resentment or DW just wouldn’t come home to dinner? Whether there is resentment expressed or not, both parents have a responsibility to their children. There is also a productive way to bring up the things contributing towards the resentment without attacking the other person.

[Anonymous]

Have you two had a sit-down to discuss how you and the family will adjust your spending habits to makeup for the decreased wages? This shouldn’t all be on you. You need a budget.