Spouse blaming me for not finding a new job yet

[Anonymous]

I was told two months ago that my job will be ending at the end of June. They're restructuring and my position is getting folded into someone else's role. I've been job hunting since then and have applied for over 20 jobs. It's been incredibly stressful for me and for our marriage.

At first, my spouse was incredibly supportive while I cried and while I thought about what my next career move would be, while I spent nights and weekends working on my cover letter, updating my resume, and applying for jobs. As the months have dragged on with minimal interviews (I've only had two and one of them is something I'm overqualified for), he's become increasingly anxious (as have I) about why I'm not getting more interviews. He is someone who needs a reason for everything and, obviously, when you're not even getting interviews, you don't have contacts to be able to know why.

I've been chalking it up to a slow economy. The people I've talked to who hire in fields like mine have all told me that their companies/fields have stopped hiring, and that when they get applicants, they're getting twice as many as they did a year ago and all with lots of qualifications. I'm coming from a sort of niche sub-field with 10+ years of work experience in non-profits, but I suspect my very specific sub-field and the non-profit world are hampering me a little bit as I apply for private and government positions against people who have private and government experience. My sub-field has a lot of crossover skills in programming, development, and events, and I'm definitely qualified for the jobs I've been applying for.

My husband is chalking it up to things like "you need to be applying for more jobs" or "maybe it's because your Twitter account is public" (this was a good point and I hid it) or "you should have looked for a job four years ago when your job started to get bad" (he's right about this too, but my job paid well for my field and I kept thinking it would get back to good after the pandemic, but it never did). I feel like he's looking for someone to blame for the situation and since it's happening to me, it's all my fault. And he's partially right. There have been lots of signs that my job was toxic and I just kept thinking that I could make it better by just working harder. But I feel that his anger at me is mostly misdirected and I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

1. Remove all social media accounts regardless of content.

2. Apply to jobs not in your field. If you're seeking a job in this economy you cannot be picky. It's fine getting a job that's not in your field. If you need a JOB, then get a JOB.

[Anonymous]

You've already had two interviews. That's two more than my husband after 4 years. I'm feeling like you are doing OK.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to tell him that his anxiety is not helping.

In your shoes I would start working out for an hour daily. You need some type of release or you’re going to be a ball of nerves. Especially with your husband being unsupportive and dumping every intrusive thought on your shoulders.

Beyond that, you both need to cut back your spending and figure out how to get through at least 6 months of unemployment.

[Anonymous]

Are you working with any head hunters, OP?

I'd tell spouse once that being supportive would be the most helpful and that blaming and dumping anxiety is not. Then ignore him.

The economy has definitely slowed and it's impacting a number of fields. You will get unemployment, any severance? Can you pivot to some sort of a consulting gig to avoid a resume gap? Any internal roles where you are?

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

“Dude, are you trying to help me? If that’s your intention, it’s not working. I am working my butt off trying to get a job. AND I understand this make you anxious. Here’s what I need you do: Find someone else to work out your anxiety with. You can talk to a friend, family member or therapist. But dumping on me is making this worse. Back off.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to tell him that his anxiety is not helping.

In your shoes I would start working out for an hour daily. You need some type of release or you’re going to be a ball of nerves. Especially with your husband being unsupportive and dumping every intrusive thought on your shoulders.

Beyond that, you both need to cut back your spending and figure out how to get through at least 6 months of unemployment.

Yes, this. You need to voice to him that you are doing your best and he needs to back off because it is making things worse. He is allowed to have his own feelings regarding your job, or lack thereof, but given that you are the one who is losing your job and is looking for a new one, he needs to put his feelings second or vent to someone else about them.

When both spouses experience the same thing (i.e. the illness of a child), it can be really hard because they both have a right to want their feelings to be put first, but that doesn't work. That's why marriages with children with difficulties (illness, delays, etc.) have such a high divorce rate.

[Anonymous]

Not to sound rude, but if it's not your "fault," then who's is it? I know it's hurtful to hear, but only you control getting that job. It sounds like you hit a wall and maybe slacked off on applying. Listen, I get it, if I got let go, I would have an impossible time finding a job, so I feel for you. But nonetheless, it's still on you, so he's not wrong. He may be a jerk, but he's not wrong.

[Anonymous]

20 job applications in two months is nothing - that’s like 2 jobs a week. I work in an industry where we assist people in finding jobs. 15 job applications per week is considered lame unless you are actively training for something new. And in addition to at least 15, we’d be expecting you to take classes to update and improve skills that would make you marketable. I’d be frustrated too if I was your family and relying on income from you.

Good luck to you. It sucks to have to find work when it wasn’t your plan.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'd suggest something like couch to 5k for you to give you an outlet, a sense of control and something to make light chit chat about that is not job hunting.

Plan to live on just DH's salary for at least a year. Hopefully it will turn out to be less.

Networking can be so important. Do you belong to a faith community? Joining one and volunteering at coffee hour and the like can be a great way to meet a lot of people. Tell people you are looking, in your neighborhood, at kids' activities, etc. Word of mouth is how a lot of jobs are filled.

Can you negotiate to stay on the website for 6 months? A career coach? It is easier to find a job when you appear to have one.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 job applications in two months is nothing - that’s like 2 jobs a week. I work in an industry where we assist people in finding jobs. 15 job applications per week is considered lame unless you are actively training for something new. And in addition to at least 15, we’d be expecting you to take classes to update and improve skills that would make you marketable. I’d be frustrated too if I was your family and relying on income from you.

Good luck to you. It sucks to have to find work when it wasn’t your plan.

Does your company offer a paid service or ??? Sounds like the work you do could benefit a lot of folks. Any more concrete tips or ideas of resources that could offer similar guidance free or low cost? TIA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to sound rude, but if it's not your "fault," then who's is it? I know it's hurtful to hear, but only you control getting that job. It sounds like you hit a wall and maybe slacked off on applying. Listen, I get it, if I got let go, I would have an impossible time finding a job, so I feel for you. But nonetheless, it's still on you, so he's not wrong. He may be a jerk, but he's not wrong.

Why does it have to be anyone's fault? Whose fault is it that our dog tore his ACL yesterday coming up the stairs? He's done that a million times and there was nothing out of the ordinary about yesterday, it just happened. It doesn't sound like OP is to be blamed for being let go from her old job, and she can't just snap her fingers and create a new ideal position. I'm also in a niche field and being fired terrifies me because even though I am incredibly good at my job and have a ton of experience, there are only so many positions for people with my qualifications, so how would it be my fault if they were all filled? Sure, I could get a waitressing job again like I did in college, but I doubt OP's husband would be happy with that.

[Anonymous]

Are there certifications that you can pursue that would enhance your resume?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to sound rude, but if it's not your "fault," then who's is it? I know it's hurtful to hear, but only you control getting that job. It sounds like you hit a wall and maybe slacked off on applying. Listen, I get it, if I got let go, I would have an impossible time finding a job, so I feel for you. But nonetheless, it's still on you, so he's not wrong. He may be a jerk, but he's not wrong.

But horse is out of barn now, she can't undo and his piling on is counter productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20 job applications in two months is nothing - that’s like 2 jobs a week. I work in an industry where we assist people in finding jobs. 15 job applications per week is considered lame unless you are actively training for something new. And in addition to at least 15, we’d be expecting you to take classes to update and improve skills that would make you marketable. I’d be frustrated too if I was your family and relying on income from you.

Good luck to you. It sucks to have to find work when it wasn’t your plan.

Does your company offer a paid service or ??? Sounds like the work you do could benefit a lot of folks. Any more concrete tips or ideas of resources that could offer similar guidance free or low cost? TIA.

I actually buy this service for people and it’s not cheap. But for what it’s worth, some of the most important tips I can offer are (in no particular order of importance):

- if you are looking for a professional job, get your resume professionally done. AI is doing a first pass over applications so you want to make sure yours passes but is also what real people will actually look at
- check your email constantly. Maybe set up a separate box for job hunting related matters so it’s easy
- make sure all of your communication is professional and grammatically correct with correct spelling
- set aside a schedule to job hunt daily
- consider job hunting your full time job and treat it accordingly by spending full time on it
- like a PP said, exercise
- like another PP said, get spending under control so money doesn’t become another stressor
- learn the latest and greatest job hunting avenues in your industry
- talk to someone about interview tips. You can lose out if you reveal too much about yourself personally but you have to be personable. It’s a line and you might want some professional practice
- do a self assessment of skills, abilities and strengths as they relate to employment.
- take classes to upgrade your skills or get new skills to make yourself marketable - even something like online classes in Excel, which even proficient users can even increase their skills in because of the massiveness of its capabilities

That’s all I can think of for right now. I used to know of free and low cost resources and if I stumble back on them I will post them.