Spouse blaming me for not finding a new job yet

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing fine OP. You said you are getting let go in June. I would certainly try to apply as much as possible before then while you're still employed. And not just on nights and weekends. Do that stuff during work time! That's your job now.

Put your husband on an information diet. Have a heart to heart using the suggestions in this thread. Then stop updating him on every little thing. He might need to know when you have an interview but he doesn't need to know about the exact number of applications so he can criticize you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're doing fine OP. You said you are getting let go in June. I would certainly try to apply as much as possible before then while you're still employed. And not just on nights and weekends. Do that stuff during work time! That's your job now.

Put your husband on an information diet. Have a heart to heart using the suggestions in this thread. Then stop updating him on every little thing. He might need to know when you have an interview but he doesn't need to know about the exact number of applications so he can criticize you.

1st question to him when he starts up is "exactly what do you suggest that I do?"

[Anonymous]

If you’re applying and not getting interviews, I think you need to get some constructive advice on your resume to make sure it is compelling and highlights your skills. If you are applying for federal jobs-get it looked at by someone who knows the federal hiring process.

[Anonymous]

When this happened to my former wife, she switched from subtly making digs at SAHM moms (including many in our family), to blaming me for not earning enough for her to stay home (I did; just not at the lifestyle she wanted).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to sound rude, but if it's not your "fault," then who's is it? I know it's hurtful to hear, but only you control getting that job. It sounds like you hit a wall and maybe slacked off on applying. Listen, I get it, if I got let go, I would have an impossible time finding a job, so I feel for you. But nonetheless, it's still on you, so he's not wrong. He may be a jerk, but he's not wrong.

100%. Also, turn this around. How about you feel if he lost his job and he's still unable to find another one? Would you be so comforting or would you be a little annoyed thinking "Why aren't you trying harder"?

Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

You have not applied to enough jobs. Only 20? You should have applied to 100 by now. I am serious.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the advice.

I'm applying to all sorts of jobs, but none directly in my field, because there are systemic problems in the field that aren't going to be much better anywhere else. It's been really hard to admit that to myself, because I love the work I do, but the field as a whole doesn't pay and doesn't have the resources to support staff. All of the organizations in my field are chronically understaffed. For example, I've gotten tens of thousands of dollars in grant money for my organization, but the granters want to fund events, not people, so getting the grants means adding more programming to my already-full plate without helping to fund, say, another employee to help plan and execute the programs. If I were staying in my field, I'm sure I could have gotten a job by now, as my resume in this very specific thing is pretty good. DH and I have talked about how I don't want to be in this field anymore and that changing fields might take longer and he's on board with me directing my attention to other opportunities. But I think he and I both misjudged how long it would realistically take to even just get interviews. Again, I have crossover skills in programming and event planning, development/fundraising, volunteer management, and communications (though for comms, it's just something I've done for years with no formal training and that seems to be a real roadblock).

I am networking and people love to be helpful. I've had lots of conversations, but most of them have ended with "the market is slow; give it time."

I've shown my resume and cover letter template to friends who are recruiters and to friends who hire and made adjustments based on their suggestions.

If it comes to July 1 and I still don't have a job, I should be able to get unemployment, but my organization is small and non-profit and there's no way they have a severance package.

I just don't know what else to do about our relationship. I'm continuing to look for and apply for jobs. I've finally had some interviews. I can't go back in time and have hidden my social media and I can't go back in time and apply for jobs 4 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How's that Biden economy working out for you folks?
I think Walmart is hiring.

Are you suggesting that incompetent and fraudulent Trump and the Republican Party are better for the economy?

Have you seen what’s going on in the House? The GOP has so much infighting. It has been ruined by the fringe. They can’t see their way of anything.

Take it to the Politics forum, both of you.

Completely derailing and unhelpful to OP who is in a bad spot and needs support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the advice.

I'm applying to all sorts of jobs, but none directly in my field, because there are systemic problems in the field that aren't going to be much better anywhere else. It's been really hard to admit that to myself, because I love the work I do, but the field as a whole doesn't pay and doesn't have the resources to support staff. All of the organizations in my field are chronically understaffed. For example, I've gotten tens of thousands of dollars in grant money for my organization, but the granters want to fund events, not people, so getting the grants means adding more programming to my already-full plate without helping to fund, say, another employee to help plan and execute the programs. If I were staying in my field, I'm sure I could have gotten a job by now, as my resume in this very specific thing is pretty good. DH and I have talked about how I don't want to be in this field anymore and that changing fields might take longer and he's on board with me directing my attention to other opportunities. But I think he and I both misjudged how long it would realistically take to even just get interviews. Again, I have crossover skills in programming and event planning, development/fundraising, volunteer management, and communications (though for comms, it's just something I've done for years with no formal training and that seems to be a real roadblock).

I am networking and people love to be helpful. I've had lots of conversations, but most of them have ended with "the market is slow; give it time."

I've shown my resume and cover letter template to friends who are recruiters and to friends who hire and made adjustments based on their suggestions.

If it comes to July 1 and I still don't have a job, I should be able to get unemployment, but my organization is small and non-profit and there's no way they have a severance package.

I just don't know what else to do about our relationship. I'm continuing to look for and apply for jobs. I've finally had some interviews. I can't go back in time and have hidden my social media and I can't go back in time and apply for jobs 4 years ago.

OP, you should be able to do gig or consulting work re: event planning &/or fundraising, I'd try to network re: that as a fallback option if needed, would provide income and prevent a gap in resume. Re: volunteer management, doing campaign work in an election year may be a way to fill the gap as well?

Try to negotiate staying on the website through 2024, will make it easier for you to find something. Without a severance, I'd push hard on that and a voice mail, too.
Unless your social media was extraordinary I don't think that was the issue, the economy has slowed a lot.

[Anonymous]

The easiest way to get a job is to have a job. Being in a job you are over qualified for is better than not having a job at all.
Haven’t been to a target in 3 years that is not desperate for employees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to sound rude, but if it's not your "fault," then who's is it? I know it's hurtful to hear, but only you control getting that job. It sounds like you hit a wall and maybe slacked off on applying. Listen, I get it, if I got let go, I would have an impossible time finding a job, so I feel for you. But nonetheless, it's still on you, so he's not wrong. He may be a jerk, but he's not wrong.

100%. Also, turn this around. How about you feel if he lost his job and he's still unable to find another one? Would you be so comforting or would you be a little annoyed thinking "Why aren't you trying harder"?

Something to consider.

6 years ago, he changed jobs. He didn't lose a job, but he was miserable in his job and looking to leave. It took him 6 months to find something and I was supportive through that whole process. I didn't criticize him for the process taking so long and he didn't get a ton of interviews either. He ended up getting two interviews around the same time as each other, was offered both, and chose one. He actually considered staying at the horrible job he hated, because the job he got didn't pay as much as he wanted and we had to have a whole conversation about quality of life and the value of a positive work environment. The only difference between his situation then and my situation now was that his job wasn't "expiring" like mine is. I understand that that's an added stressor in this case. We've looked at our finances and already cut back where we can and we'll be ok for 6 months to a year (if it comes to that) before we would need help.

[Anonymous]

If there is a job you can get in your niche field 'in the meantime' then get it and stay for a year or two. Another option is to pivot on July 1 and be a consultant. Start your own gig and you may find full time work from this approach. If you are a grant writer that knows how to win grants you can keep yourself very busy. Lots of orgs are hunting for free money at the local, state and federal level. Keep reaching out to people you used to work with that left your current org and vendors/other organizations you have worked with that you have good relationships with, a job may come out of that. Contract work is another option to, if you can coble together 3 or 6 or 9 months of a contract that will keep you active and productive. Hang in there OP. Keep chipping away at it. You've got this!

[Anonymous]

What is your current financial situation? Can you carry your current lifestyle and expenses on his salary alone?

Or Is his anxiety justified that you are going to be in a financial pinch and need to talk about making changes?

I don’t think the advice to put your head in the sand or telling him to not be anxious or telling you to no longer give him information is going to help anyone. He can do some job searching too and send you links of option. Why not work together to address this and acknowledge that it’s stressful for everyone - especially if he isn’t a really high earner or you don’t have months of living expenses saved.

Go read other threads where one spouse has lost their job. The spouse writing the post is often quite anxious and constantly wanting their spouse to get work. He isn’t an anomaly in any way.

[Anonymous]

I agree I’d also be applying to jobs in my current field or figuring out how to set myself up as a consultant. I have a neighbor who was in your position and ended up not having a job lined up when his current job ended and it’s been incredibly hard on him. I do think a lot of fields are slow. And it’s good to be continuously employed.

But your husband is not being helpful if he’s giving contradictory answers- supporting you switching fields but not being willing to entertain a gap in employment is a tough needle to thread.

[Anonymous]

Two months isn’t long enough to hear back. Most places don’t even look at resumes until the job closes and then sits on them for a month.

Sorry op. You sound like you’re on top of it though. It just takes time.