Assault allegation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it make a difference if you think the allegation is true or not?

Why would it, wouldn’t you still need a lawyer and to identify whatever evidence there is?

DP. I can't speak from firsthand experience, but a family member's son was accused of rape and sexual battery when he was a very young adult. I'm pretty sure everyone in our family thought the allegation was true, and there was enough forensic evidence to back it up. Nonetheless, my family member did not want to abandon his kid to the system or let a public defender take the case. The best lawyers were hired and they tried everything to discredit the girl. In the end, the young man pled guilty to a lesser charge at the 11th hour with the agreement of the victim and her family and attorney. She preferred not to go through the trauma of a trial and he still got three years in jail. His attorney said it was likely he'd get 20 years if it went before a jury.

This was 15 years ago and the guy's family is still paying off legal fees and he's continued to have trouble with the law and got a subsequent domestic violence charge. I suspect if my family member could go back and do it over again, he would've not poured every last cent they had into defending someone who they knew was most likely guilty. I can't say I blame them. If I had a good reason to doubt the allegation, I would be a lot more likely to invest my resources into disproving it.

Well he most likely has to register as a sexual offender. Your life is over at that point. Can’t get a job and restrictions on where you can live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it make a difference if you think the allegation is true or not?

Why would it, wouldn’t you still need a lawyer and to identify whatever evidence there is?

DP. I can't speak from firsthand experience, but a family member's son was accused of rape and sexual battery when he was a very young adult. I'm pretty sure everyone in our family thought the allegation was true, and there was enough forensic evidence to back it up. Nonetheless, my family member did not want to abandon his kid to the system or let a public defender take the case. The best lawyers were hired and they tried everything to discredit the girl. In the end, the young man pled guilty to a lesser charge at the 11th hour with the agreement of the victim and her family and attorney. She preferred not to go through the trauma of a trial and he still got three years in jail. His attorney said it was likely he'd get 20 years if it went before a jury.

This was 15 years ago and the guy's family is still paying off legal fees and he's continued to have trouble with the law and got a subsequent domestic violence charge. I suspect if my family member could go back and do it over again, he would've not poured every last cent they had into defending someone who they knew was most likely guilty. I can't say I blame them. If I had a good reason to doubt the allegation, I would be a lot more likely to invest my resources into disproving it.

Well he most likely has to register as a sexual offender. Your life is over at that point. Can’t get a job and restrictions on where you can live.

This what kid need to know, not to get tipsy — and vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

I will try to find out what happen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if your son was accused of a sex assault that allegedly occurred several years ago?

As someone who has worked with rape survivors, I need moms of sons (I'm one myself) to know that men often think it is consensual when it's not. I have no idea how this disconnect happens. But it's common. They often text (and call) and say they had a great time. Can't wait to meet up again. Talk about the gifts they want to give them. Want them to meet their family. You name it.

It is SO CRITICAL to talk and talk to our sons about what explicit consent actually is.

Yes I'm a mom of a teen son as well. I appreciate that GDS has brought in a very experienced expert in consent to teach the kids about it in a co-ed environment and made it very engaging curriculum. It was interactive and aimed at their level. It is usually taught between grade 9-10.

In addition, we talk about this at home as well. Especially with my son going to parties or if it's in the news in movies/tv we talk specifically how you have to check in with someone verbally and not assume consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if your son was accused of a sex assault that allegedly occurred several years ago?

As someone who has worked with rape survivors, I need moms of sons (I'm one myself) to know that men often think it is consensual when it's not. I have no idea how this disconnect happens. But it's common. They often text (and call) and say they had a great time. Can't wait to meet up again. Talk about the gifts they want to give them. Want them to meet their family. You name it.

It is SO CRITICAL to talk and talk to our sons about what explicit consent actually is.

Yes I'm a mom of a teen son as well. I appreciate that GDS has brought in a very experienced expert in consent to teach the kids about it in a co-ed environment and made it very engaging curriculum. It was interactive and aimed at their level. It is usually taught between grade 9-10.

In addition, we talk about this at home as well. Especially with my son going to parties or if it's in the news in movies/tv we talk specifically how you have to check in with someone verbally and not assume consent.

What is taught about oral sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if your son was accused of a sex assault that allegedly occurred several years ago?

As someone who has worked with rape survivors, I need moms of sons (I'm one myself) to know that men often think it is consensual when it's not. I have no idea how this disconnect happens. But it's common. They often text (and call) and say they had a great time. Can't wait to meet up again. Talk about the gifts they want to give them. Want them to meet their family. You name it.

It is SO CRITICAL to talk and talk to our sons about what explicit consent actually is.

It is ALSO critical to talk to our daughters and tell them how MEN view sexual encounters (don’t get wasted, if you don’t want to have sex, don’t get naked and jump in bed, and play tipping). My mom explained this to me several times. I am so grateful.

Yeah I think both of these are good points honestly..I know when I was younger there were times I gave up saying no or felt that I had to aasent because of the situation we were in and I didn't really want to. Only one of those I look back on and say it was clear assault to me. I dont think the guy ever thought it was assault though.

[Anonymous]

Girls, especially away a college, are getting assaulted. They weren’t able to say no because of the alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Our school runs a program on drugs/alcohol in 9th and sexual consent (including oral) in 10th.

[Anonymous]

I know girls and young women are assaulted in various ways in alarming numbers, but I've also known several young men who were accused under circumstances that seemed unlikely at best and also 3 young men who were accused after being in committed relationships with women who REVOKED their consent (their words).

I am older, but I have personally known women who have admitted to making things up YEARS later.

This in no way detracts from needing to address the real problem of keeping women safe but it is important to acknowledge that not all accusations are true or accurate.

Believe women doesn't mean turning off our critical thinking skills and young men need protecting too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know girls and young women are assaulted in various ways in alarming numbers, but I've also known several young men who were accused under circumstances that seemed unlikely at best and also 3 young men who were accused after being in committed relationships with women who REVOKED their consent (their words).

I am older, but I have personally known women who have admitted to making things up YEARS later.

This in no way detracts from needing to address the real problem of keeping women safe but it is important to acknowledge that not all accusations are true or accurate.

Believe women doesn't mean turning off our critical thinking skills and young men need protecting too.

You can revoke consent during an encounter, and at that point the other person has to stop. I assume that’s not what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know first if he did it. This would be very important to me and I would be unable to think of anything else until I had established this. And it would influence how I proceeded.

And any admission to you of guilt would not be privileged.

If her son is a minor, yes it is privileged.

My son is 24 and I am not the OP. But I would not be able to bring myself to help him fight a charge if I knew it was true.

+1 and I am a dad if that matters.

IMO, Hiring a lawyer would not be about denying what happened, it’s about making sure your child’s rights are protected, the process is fair, and the outcome is handled legally and responsibly.

[Anonymous]

Even if the young man is not "innocent" that doesn't mean they should be thrown away or destroyed. People can learn, change, grow, reform, remorse, try to make right.
It doesn't do anyone any good to think otherwise. Then we have a society full of a bunch of throw away men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know girls and young women are assaulted in various ways in alarming numbers, but I've also known several young men who were accused under circumstances that seemed unlikely at best and also 3 young men who were accused after being in committed relationships with women who REVOKED their consent (their words).

I am older, but I have personally known women who have admitted to making things up YEARS later.

This in no way detracts from needing to address the real problem of keeping women safe but it is important to acknowledge that not all accusations are true or accurate.

Believe women doesn't mean turning off our critical thinking skills and young men need protecting too.

You can revoke consent during an encounter, and at that point the other person has to stop. I assume that’s not what you’re talking about.

You can't revoke consent after the fact. You can stop the encounter at any time- revoking consent at any point, but once the encounter is over, you can't revise your consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if the young man is not "innocent" that doesn't mean they should be thrown away or destroyed. People can learn, change, grow, reform, remorse, try to make right.
It doesn't do anyone any good to think otherwise. Then we have a society full of a bunch of throw away men.

Don't raise these men, then

It's not impossible

- Mom of DD and DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if the young man is not "innocent" that doesn't mean they should be thrown away or destroyed. People can learn, change, grow, reform, remorse, try to make right.
It doesn't do anyone any good to think otherwise. Then we have a society full of a bunch of throw away men.

Don't raise these men, then

It's not impossible

- Mom of DD and DS

Right. That's obviously the best case scenario. However, sometimes things don't go as planned despite our best efforts. Sometimes parents make mistakes and sometimes children make mistakes, even horrible ones.

The best thing for healing (on all sides) is to move forward from those mistakes.