Reply to Separate finances: how to deal if one spouse isn't saving enough for retirement

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm a financial adviser so I've seen a variety of blended family situations, and there is no one right answer. When it comes to money and family, it is ALWAYS complicated. Even when there isn't divorce and step children, there is always the issue of what is fair vs what feels "right".

Op, what struck me about your original post was that you said you would feel differently if you felt your DH was trying as hard as he could and doing his best, but you don't feel that way. Why? He increased his 401k contributions when you discussed it. He has presented his reasons as to why he doesn't confront his ex, and maybe you don't disagree with them, but I don't think you can classify them as wrong. He cannot go back in time and start saving earlier. It sounds like a lot of "his" money is going toward his children and possibly their education. He isn't blowing money on cars or gambling or something, so is that really so bad?

Traditionally, a marriage meant full combination of finances, including debt, children, and so on. Obviously times have changed and there are a million different situations. But I think you may want to reframe your thinking if you want to be happy with this. If your DH were a stay at home dad or just made a very low salary, would you feel so much resentment at "subsidizing" his retirement? Maybe, but maybe not.

It's funny because I actually see this with my own parents. My mother was actually the breadwinner, which was obviously even more rare in her generation. My dad worked but she just had a much more successful career in a higher paying industry. Sometimes, she will make comments that he is buying things with "her" money, and I will correct her that it is "their" money. If you can't view the money as joint money, then that's something you need to explore, because it's not going to go away. What's going to happen when kids are grown and you're setting your final will in place? How will you divide assets? Maybe this is something you should have considered prior to a marriage, but it's too late for that now. So you either need to make the best of it, or consider what the consequences of your feelings are going to be. 
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