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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.

I have almost $1m in retirement. Much of this I put in when I was earning a much higher salary (I used to be a law firm lawyer, now I am in-house and have a job with balance and that I love, but I earn a lot less).

If pursued, the ex would pay about $1200/mo. in child support, not counting her portion of any additional expenses (a portion of health insurance, medical costs, etc.). One child has special needs and DH and I have paid a small fortune out-of-pocket for therapies.

Meanwhile, his ex bought a home, has a second new leased car in a row, gets her hair and nails done weekly, goes on vacation more than us, has a new outfit and purse every time we see her, has spent thousands pursuing diets and such. She tells us all about this. She also received a substantial sum from selling the marital home back in the day.

This is really where my resentment lies. I drive an 8 year old vehicle. We have 6 people in our home and could use an extra freezer, but I've decided to wait until next year. Meanwhile the ex was bragging about how she bought a second refrigerator for her house so that she can have a fridge just for her soda and sparkling water. She has a live-in boyfriend and they split expenses.

Thanks to all for the perspectives and advice. It's given me a lot to think about.

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I have a stay at home wife, two million in my 401K, two million in real estate and a few million in stocks/bonds/cash. We are married 22 years and she only worked the first two years of marriage. I am not in the least bit upset as it is OUR money.

Your husband wanted the kids, he did not have to take custody. You did not have to marry a guy with kids who has custody. But you did, like I married a women who worked full time who quit work pretty soon after marriage as wanted to be a SAHM and we had three kids.

You also quite a high paying job for a lesser paying job. And guess what I drive a 9 year old vehicle and rarely go on vacation. I dont have the time for vacation and cars are a waste of money. It is all too late. [b]If your husband pays no allimony or child support he got off dirt cheap taking the kids. [/b]    [/quote]

That is not reality-based. Sounds like he's shouldering everything--almost all care of his kids, plus all their expenses. Since he has the kids almost all the time, no way he's paying "child support" to the ex. And she has a job. No alimony. So no, he didn't get off lucky. He's doing all the work and paying for all of it.[/quote] He is putting his children first- I think that is admirable. They have a mother with mental illness- they are the ones who have drawn the shortest straw here.  The DH is making the best of a bad situation.

It is hard to be the adult and raise children.  Add in two divorces, four children,  a child with special needs and an ex that has mental illness and it is even more difficult.   OP- it might help to concentrate on what you have and not what others have and try to take the long view.  You and your DH are doing what it takes to have the best chance of raising independent healthy children.  Independent healthy children are far more impactful to your and DH’s retirement.   Plus, all the professor’s I know teach long after most retire - so he has more years of income ahead. 
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