Parents are NOT notified by the college if the child gets in trouble, e.g. drugs, alcohol in dorm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

Then your child can call or txt you. No one else is allowed to do so without your adult child's express permission.

You want a schizophrenic person to call their parent? You realize how stupid that sounds right?

Why would you send a schizophrenic young adult so far away from family support in the first place? You can't expect the school to know that the kid is severely mentally ill.

I can say that most of the college kids that I knew back in the day were busy spreading their wings and would not have wanted the school calling their parents like that. It would have been a huge invasion of privacy.

As a parent, your best bet is to maintain your line of communication with your kid and don't freak out every time they mention something happening that is less than ideal. No you don't need to step in for them and handle things because taking care of themselves and handling life's problems is up to them now. If they were living on their own and working full time, no one would be calling you to tell you that they were partying too much or in an abusive relationship or feeling depressed.

It's not high school part 2, it's not boarding school, it's not a supervised activity. Your young adult college kid is now responsible for their own self monitoring. If they need another year or two at home before they are ready to live away at college that is not the end of the world. But don't send a shaky kid off to college thinking that someone is gong to be watching over them, because that isn't going to happen. It will be peer pressure X 1000, new found freedom and a lot of responsibility thrown at them all at once.

Are you daft? Do you not know mental illness often hits after 18. Do you have any basic knowledge or ado you often spout off about things you know nothing about.

My work is also not a supervised activity but we call family when there is a concern.

Dude, if you are in regular contact with your kid and have the type of relationship where they feel o.k. to talk to you....then you are going to notice when things are a bit "off" with them. One of the safety nets available to you as a parent is the ability to yank funding and bring them back home.

Mental illness can affect your adult child throughout their life, btw. It's not like 18 is some magic age where that happens. When you send your kid off to college part of the risk is that they won't handle the transition well for whatever reason. It happens.

[Anonymous]

For decades the decision point for parents as to whether
kid is functioning at college has always been grades at
end of first semester. Kid parties all semester, gets
poor grades, parents stop the money. Kid returns to
town and gets a job at the local factory or working
construction. No big deal.

Kid under performs. Stop the funding. Parents have
been following this rule for 100 years of sending kids
to college and footing the bill.

Colleges do not have the manpower to police your
adult child's drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just dropped off our oldest at college that is a plane ride away. My spouse and I entered into the agreement to pay his tuition without any expectation of the university reporting his status. He turned 18 this summer. We’ve worked really hard to teach him to make good choices and how to get out of rough situations. Now we need to let go. It’s not easy. But damn if I’m going to manage this kid for the rest of my life. T

Straw man. Nobody said anything about micro managing. OP discussed when teen is in trouble. A parent SHOULD be notified of a teen freshman is sexually assaulted or caught with drugs in dorm or in the hospital for alcohol poisoning. The secrecy WHEN YOUR CHILD IS IN DANGER is alarming.

+1 Well said. I would have wanted MY parents notified for any of your examples, PP, so it is completely realistic to me that my child would want US notified.

Then your child can call or txt you. No one else is allowed to do so without your adult child's express permission.

You want a schizophrenic person to call their parent? You realize how stupid that sounds right?

Why would you send a schizophrenic young adult so far away from family support in the first place? You can't expect the school to know that the kid is severely mentally ill.

I can say that most of the college kids that I knew back in the day were busy spreading their wings and would not have wanted the school calling their parents like that. It would have been a huge invasion of privacy.

As a parent, your best bet is to maintain your line of communication with your kid and don't freak out every time they mention something happening that is less than ideal. No you don't need to step in for them and handle things because taking care of themselves and handling life's problems is up to them now. If they were living on their own and working full time, no one would be calling you to tell you that they were partying too much or in an abusive relationship or feeling depressed.

It's not high school part 2, it's not boarding school, it's not a supervised activity. Your young adult college kid is now responsible for their own self monitoring. If they need another year or two at home before they are ready to live away at college that is not the end of the world. But don't send a shaky kid off to college thinking that someone is gong to be watching over them, because that isn't going to happen. It will be peer pressure X 1000, new found freedom and a lot of responsibility thrown at them all at once.

Are you daft? Do you not know mental illness often hits after 18. Do you have any basic knowledge or ado you often spout off about things you know nothing about.

My work is also not a supervised activity but we call family when there is a concern.

Dude, if you are in regular contact with your kid and have the type of relationship where they feel o.k. to talk to you....then you are going to notice when things are a bit "off" with them. One of the safety nets available to you as a parent is the ability to yank funding and bring them back home.

Mental illness can affect your adult child throughout their life, btw. It's not like 18 is some magic age where that happens. When you send your kid off to college part of the risk is that they won't handle the transition well for whatever reason. It happens.

Very true. (I have schizophrenia in my family.)

[Anonymous]

Can I also state that if you want to be notified, be friendly with their friends. Take them out to dinner when you visit.

I had a close friend spiral down into anorexia (she got down to 85lbs). I found her lifeless on the floor one day and just had to do something. I was a bit upset her parents hadn't already stepped in. I called them and told them they had to come get her and she had to go to a center. Her other friend and I debated, but she really couldn't help herself at that point. If her mom wasn't the responsible kind of parent I knew she was, we wouldn't have called her. Apparently the school had been keeping tabs on my friend's anorexia but the mom didn't realize (she hadn't seen her in 3 months).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For decades the decision point for parents as to whether
kid is functioning at college has always been grades at
end of first semester. Kid parties all semester, gets
poor grades, parents stop the money. Kid returns to
town and gets a job at the local factory or working
construction. No big deal.

Kid under performs. Stop the funding. Parents have
been following this rule for 100 years of sending kids
to college and footing the bill.

Colleges do not have the manpower to police your
adult child's drinking.

True. And sometimes it's just time management - they are having fun socializing, staying up late playing video games, going places w/o having to check in with anyone......college has a lot of distractions and it's easy to get caught up in dating, going to the gym, intramural sports, clubs....especially if HS came extremely easy to them. The rigors of college can come as a bit of a shock to them.

It's not always about drinking/drugging/having a mental health issue. Sometimes it's just a matter of maturity and learning how to prioritize. You can't expect a college to determine why a student isn't cutting it. Whatever the issue may be, it's time for that young person to go home and figure out what exactly they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

I daresay most of us understand there is a legal right involved here. What some of us are saying is that it doesn't mean that right is always "right" for everyone. There are kids for whom a strict adherence to the "legal right" is not the best thing and may actually cause more problems. I personally had no issues in college but I saw kids who did and floundered despite turning up freshman year in the belief they were fully prepared. A PP above me claimed you should know your child isn't ready for a residential college, but it's not always clear either. A 18 year old student can be fully functional and great and responsible in high school and then go off to college the next year and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure and freedom and demands for greater personal responsibilities, or fall into the wrong cliques and let drink and drugs consume them. It happens. I've seen it happen.

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier and say I don't know what the best answer is, but I still think some of you are deliberately failing to understand or recognize life is much more complicated than the assumption everyone is a properly responsible and functioning adult at age 18.

The answer starts with letting go of any notion that the law isn't the law, or that the law can be bent or change for you.

-You can absolutely wait to send your child to a residential 4-year until they are ready; going away for college isn't for everyone. You can look at options close to home so your son or daughter can live at home while taking classes.

-You can absolutely outline a set of standards that your son or daughter will follow if they expect you to pay for a 4-year residential college experience. That's between you and your son or daughter.

-What you CAN'T do is expect laws and policies related to people who are adults in the eyes of the law to change or be bent for you, personally. That's absurd. The laws and policies are clear and there to be read: you may not pick and choose which work for you, personally. You can work out a path that does work for you, but it must abide by laws and policies.

-If you want to challenge a law or a policy, feel free; there are ways to do that. Hand-wringing on DCUM ain't one of them.

What law prevents an RA from calling a parent when a kid is slitting their wrists?

An RA is an agent of the university and is bound by the same policy as a dean. Someone on their floor finds a student slitting their wrists he RA (or roommate or friend of the student) immediate calls 911 and the student is taken to the nearest hospital. If the student is unconscious the hospital will notify the parent, assuming that parent can be found (put your name and number in the emergency contact part of their phone).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18 year olds are legal adults. I'm not sure why the OP
is helicoptering. For 1000's of years 18 year olds have been
living on their own, making their own way and starting families.

18 year olds are responsible for their own alcohol consumption and drug consumption. The reality is in many states consumption
of alcohol is not legal until 21.

Don't pay for college if you are concerned about your adult
child becoming an addict. Let you adult child work a job
to pay their way through community college if it is
concern. Many kids get through college this way and
are very successful in life.

At 18 I was buying my own cars, finding my own places to
live, and selecting my college courses.

I'm not sure why parents want to baby their adult children
nowadays.

Did you also have schizophrenia and you found your own doctor and Treatment plan?

Nobody is asking for parents to be called if a kid wears white after Labor Day but when a mental health breakdown is happening somebody needs to know.

May stop a shooting or 2 or 50.

Do you seriously think that the parents of someone like Cho thought that their kid was just fine? I don't. Anyone who ran into Cho knew that he was seriously disturbed. He should never have been away at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

I daresay most of us understand there is a legal right involved here. What some of us are saying is that it doesn't mean that right is always "right" for everyone. There are kids for whom a strict adherence to the "legal right" is not the best thing and may actually cause more problems. I personally had no issues in college but I saw kids who did and floundered despite turning up freshman year in the belief they were fully prepared. A PP above me claimed you should know your child isn't ready for a residential college, but it's not always clear either. A 18 year old student can be fully functional and great and responsible in high school and then go off to college the next year and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure and freedom and demands for greater personal responsibilities, or fall into the wrong cliques and let drink and drugs consume them. It happens. I've seen it happen.

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier and say I don't know what the best answer is, but I still think some of you are deliberately failing to understand or recognize life is much more complicated than the assumption everyone is a properly responsible and functioning adult at age 18.

The answer starts with letting go of any notion that the law isn't the law, or that the law can be bent or change for you.

-You can absolutely wait to send your child to a residential 4-year until they are ready; going away for college isn't for everyone. You can look at options close to home so your son or daughter can live at home while taking classes.

-You can absolutely outline a set of standards that your son or daughter will follow if they expect you to pay for a 4-year residential college experience. That's between you and your son or daughter.

-What you CAN'T do is expect laws and policies related to people who are adults in the eyes of the law to change or be bent for you, personally. That's absurd. The laws and policies are clear and there to be read: you may not pick and choose which work for you, personally. You can work out a path that does work for you, but it must abide by laws and policies.

-If you want to challenge a law or a policy, feel free; there are ways to do that. Hand-wringing on DCUM ain't one of them.

What law prevents an RA from calling a parent when a kid is slitting their wrists?

An RA is an agent of the university and is bound by the same policy as a dean. Someone on their floor finds a student slitting their wrists he RA (or roommate or friend of the student) immediate calls 911 and the student is taken to the nearest hospital. If the student is unconscious the hospital will notify the parent, assuming that parent can be found (put your name and number in the emergency contact part of their phone).

Nothing keeps the RA from calling the parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

Play it however you want to in your mind, but anyone 18+ is legally an adult. Therefore, they have LEGAL rights to privacy.

Now, can you as a parent set certain standards of communication and behavior, or you won't pay for college? Absolutely. But you still don't have a LEGAL right to certain information unless your son or daughter OPTS-IN to signing waivers, lists you as an emergency contact, signs forms saying you may be contacted or informed or have access to certain info. Work out your standards and your plan with your son or daughter.

The doctors in the health center don't have the LEGAL RIGHT to contact you *unless your son or daughter explicitly gives them permission to do so;* or unless they are incapacitated and you are listed as the emergency contact. It's not a matter of they should or they should make that judgment call; they LEGALLY CANNOT, do you get it?

I daresay most of us understand there is a legal right involved here. What some of us are saying is that it doesn't mean that right is always "right" for everyone. There are kids for whom a strict adherence to the "legal right" is not the best thing and may actually cause more problems. I personally had no issues in college but I saw kids who did and floundered despite turning up freshman year in the belief they were fully prepared. A PP above me claimed you should know your child isn't ready for a residential college, but it's not always clear either. A 18 year old student can be fully functional and great and responsible in high school and then go off to college the next year and suddenly feel overwhelmed by the lack of structure and freedom and demands for greater personal responsibilities, or fall into the wrong cliques and let drink and drugs consume them. It happens. I've seen it happen.

I'll reiterate what I wrote earlier and say I don't know what the best answer is, but I still think some of you are deliberately failing to understand or recognize life is much more complicated than the assumption everyone is a properly responsible and functioning adult at age 18.

The answer starts with letting go of any notion that the law isn't the law, or that the law can be bent or change for you.

-You can absolutely wait to send your child to a residential 4-year until they are ready; going away for college isn't for everyone. You can look at options close to home so your son or daughter can live at home while taking classes.

-You can absolutely outline a set of standards that your son or daughter will follow if they expect you to pay for a 4-year residential college experience. That's between you and your son or daughter.

-What you CAN'T do is expect laws and policies related to people who are adults in the eyes of the law to change or be bent for you, personally. That's absurd. The laws and policies are clear and there to be read: you may not pick and choose which work for you, personally. You can work out a path that does work for you, but it must abide by laws and policies.

-If you want to challenge a law or a policy, feel free; there are ways to do that. Hand-wringing on DCUM ain't one of them.

What law prevents an RA from calling a parent when a kid is slitting their wrists?

If THE STUDENT has listed parents as the emergency contact, of course they would be called. But they don't have to list parents; do you get it? They can literally list anyone they want, as long as the person they list is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of very, very angry and self-defensive people on this tread, or it's the same poster or 2-3 posters repeating themselves over and over again.

I'm long out of college but I'm also old enough to know that every person matures at different rates. There's an obtuse silliness to demand that as soon as someone turns 18 the parents must back away at all costs, the way some of the posters on here are suggesting. Life is much more complicated than that. The ages of 18-25 is very much a case of what works for one person doesn't work for another. Most 18 year olds are not really adults in the proper sense of the world, most won't really fully become adults for another decade. And college is a serious investment these days, far more so than even just 20 years ago. Parents who are helping to pay the expenses have a huge amount of money - their money - at stake as well.

I don't claim to know what the best answer to the situation is but treating it as a binary and ranting and screaming and calling people morons for suggesting parents remain more involved with colleges is not helpful.

The problem is, it is binary. Institutions are not permitted to provide personal information, including health information and information about grades, to parents. That's it. It doesn't matter who is paying. If you don't like it, change the law, but don't ask or expect colleges to court liability by breaking the current law.

This is different than "remaining involved" - parents should remain involved. But this is about what a university should, and is permitted, to share with parents.

It's been explained numerous times on this thread. If you haven't grasped it, then yes, you are a moron.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why money gives you the right to more information about your adult son or daughter.

Most 18-year olds do not go to a residential college. Our students are outliers and have the same rights as an 18-year old in the workforce, or who is self-supporting or in the military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At orientation my DCs state university said parents would be notified of any ethics violations and drugs are that.

What school?

This should be standard. The strawman that crazy helicopter parents want medical records after a rape emailed to them is so low watt. What parents should receive are automatic emails about any student conduct violations or concerns. We don't receive those because, let's be clear here, the university wants to be in COMPLETE control of our kids.

Don't landlords receive notification if EMS came to their house or a noise violation was issued because of partying? Landlords get more info than parents paying for a dorm room? If I'm writing that $15,000 room check per year, I want to know what if any violations have occurred in that room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why money gives you the right to more information about your adult son or daughter.

Most 18-year olds do not go to a residential college. Our students are outliers and have the same rights as an 18-year old in the workforce, or who is self-supporting or in the military.

Military freedom != 50,000 student university freedom where a kid can binge drink or do heroin all day, cut their wrists, not show up to any courses, and nobody at the college will phone home to the parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At orientation my DCs state university said parents would be notified of any ethics violations and drugs are that.

What school?

This should be standard. The strawman that crazy helicopter parents want medical records after a rape emailed to them is so low watt. What parents should receive are automatic emails about any student conduct violations or concerns. We don't receive those because, let's be clear here, the university wants to be in COMPLETE control of our kids.

Don't landlords receive notification if EMS came to their house or a noise violation was issued because of partying? Landlords get more info than parents paying for a dorm room? If I'm writing that $15,000 room check per year, I want to know what if any violations have occurred in that room.

I know you really want to believe that all 18-year-olds have college paid for by mommy and daddy, but that it just. not. the. case.

Yes, the students should and must list an emergency contact, but that isn't necessarily going to be parents, in all cases.

By all means, make the assumption and call the parents of the kid in my neighborhood who started at Penn last fall. But they didn't raise him, aren't putting him through, and certainly have no say or authority over who he is and what he is doing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At orientation my DCs state university said parents would be notified of any ethics violations and drugs are that.

What school?

This should be standard. The strawman that crazy helicopter parents want medical records after a rape emailed to them is so low watt. What parents should receive are automatic emails about any student conduct violations or concerns. We don't receive those because, let's be clear here, the university wants to be in COMPLETE control of our kids.

Don't landlords receive notification if EMS came to their house or a noise violation was issued because of partying? Landlords get more info than parents paying for a dorm room? If I'm writing that $15,000 room check per year, I want to know what if any violations have occurred in that room.

You apparently are really, really worried about what will happen when Aiden and Claire go off to college, aren't you?