Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But what if your kid doesn't WANT to learn to swim? My kid is completely content using a PFD. I have paid and paid for swim lessons... for her not to participate!

We do all the other "UMC" things mentioned, but seriously my kid will not learn how to swim!

I was the same way when I was younger. My mom ended up springing for personal swim lessons for me (it was a stretch for our budget - didn't grow up UMC) because she felt like it was an important life skill. I loved my swim teacher and still remember those lessons fondly. Worth a try!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what if your kid doesn't WANT to learn to swim? My kid is completely content using a PFD. I have paid and paid for swim lessons... for her not to participate!

We do all the other "UMC" things mentioned, but seriously my kid will not learn how to swim!

I was the same way when I was younger. My mom ended up springing for personal swim lessons for me (it was a stretch for our budget - didn't grow up UMC) because she felt like it was an important life skill. I loved my swim teacher and still remember those lessons fondly. Worth a try!

Learning to swim is not a choice. Just like seat belts are not a choice. If your child accidentally falls into a body of water he or she will not be wearing a life jacket and can die. Get private lessons until the child can swim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

It's an old school thing in the US. Somewhat popular still in pockets on the east coast.

It's a Southern thing. It was a preteen rite of passage growing up in Charleston, SC.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I find the butter discussion fascinating! I had no idea that you are not supposed to butter your whole piece of bread

Really? You are either young (under 35) or not raised UMC.

I'm am 45 and raised UMC and never heard about the butter thing. My parents and I also don't have a stick up my butt so.....

Do what you want with your butter! YOLO.

Having good manners means a person is uptight?

Uptight = Spending any length of time thinking about how anyone butters their bread

+1 pat of butter

Our networth is $10M and I take a pat of butter or a scoop of butter and place it on my plate. Sometimes I butter the entire slice of bread at once and bite off one piece at a time. Other times I tear a bite size piece, butter it and then eat it.

It all depends on my mood and kind of bread.

I butter the whole thing then I tear it into bite size pieces as I eat it. I've never thought about this or why I do it until now.

The whole question just makes me determined to propose going for sushi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The butter aside is hilarious...and long-lived. Every time it pops back up, I laugh.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It sounds like manners are a must. Volunteering/kindness and culture are close seconds.

These were the last things I expected to hear, but it makes sense. Of course, being lower class, socially, I guess that's no surprise.

To the PPs telling me to stay true to myself, well, I am. I already feel like an impostor most of the time, I don't have to add feeling fake to the mix. I am heavy, dress badly, unmanicured, and yet I'm quite happy with myself. I've provided a better life for my kids and parents than we deserve. I don't want to spend my time literally reshaping myself. I have a vegetable garden to tend to!

For my kids, though, I want them to have it all. I want them to feel and be authentic. I'm truly grateful to have all of your advice.

Now, I guess the challenge to figure out how to implement it. Manners are a relentless pursuit. You have to have them all the freaking time. F**k me. :\

Ugh, stop denigrating yourself. These people are no better than you. Do you already have good manners? Are you kind? Do you teach those values to your children? Then you're fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are confusing UMC with "old money."

Not really. Everything posted on this thread is pretty basic.

I am laughing at the notion that you think that cotillion is "basic" for the UMC. It isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

It's an old school thing in the US. Somewhat popular still in pockets on the east coast.

It's a Southern thing. It was a preteen rite of passage growing up in Charleston, SC.

It used to be more common in the Northeast, too. I guess the South tends to hang onto traditions longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But what if your kid doesn't WANT to learn to swim? My kid is completely content using a PFD. I have paid and paid for swim lessons... for her not to participate!

We do all the other "UMC" things mentioned, but seriously my kid will not learn how to swim!

I was the same way when I was younger. My mom ended up springing for personal swim lessons for me (it was a stretch for our budget - didn't grow up UMC) because she felt like it was an important life skill. I loved my swim teacher and still remember those lessons fondly. Worth a try!

+1

Private lessons and take away the life jacket. No kid should use a life jacket unless boating. It's a crutch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One hallmark of an UMC family that no one else has mentioned yet is that UMC parents are constantly using everyday life to teach their kids about math, science, history, English, and the arts. Constantly. Take the eclipse for example. For the past few weeks DH and I have been talking about the upcoming eclipse, showing our 10 and 12 year old boys interesting science articles on it, talking about how far we would have to drive to see totality (and whether we were willing to make that trade-off), what time it would start, when the peak would be, when it would end, and on and on. We also bought eclipse glasses, explained the science behind how the eclipse happens (the moons size and relative position to the earth). DH took the day off and I worked from home so we could all watch it together. We then posted pics to Facebook showing our little eclipse party. If we weren't currently on a diet, I would have made eclipse cupcakes with chocolate and vanilla icing show all of the phases and then posted pictures of that to Facebook. Etc. etc.

We do stuff like this all the time. Celebrate Pi day (3/14), play endless strategy games with the kids, play the alphabet game (using ancient empires) while we wait for our food at the restaurant. I'm talking seriously nerdy here. I find us insufferable .

You are a "nerd" family, not necessarily a UMC....I know the type...

[Anonymous]

One thing you can do is teach your kids to be kind and respectful of everybody - especially servers in restaurants, people working the coat check, salon technicians, valets, etc. And be generous with tips when you can.

My MIL is very wealthy now, but grew up with a 'hard scrabble' childhood. I am horrified at how she treats people in service professions. She is rude and demanding, and it reflects poorly on her. I guess for her 'familiarity breeds contempt.' However, how you treat others tells me a lot about you and where you come from. To me it says 'I've got the wealth, but not the class,' and your invitations to join the inner circles will start to dwindle.

The wealthiest and classiest people I know go out of their way to treat others with respect, always looking people in the eye and saying 'thank you,' and address people they see frequently by name. This will go a long way, and is an invaluable lesson for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider is table manners - it's a bit of a cliche from the movies, but as someone who grew up UMC it's always been one of the little things that I notice.

A friend of mine in college took a business dining class in part because he had lower class origins. He had no idea what fork to use, continential vs european fork and knife ettiquite, how to signal he was finished etc, but he recognized that he needed to learn how for the industry he was going into. I grew up in a more upper class environment and this was just naturally learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

It's an old school thing in the US. Somewhat popular still in pockets on the east coast.

It's a Southern thing. It was a preteen rite of passage growing up in Charleston, SC.

No, I did it, and grew up in Washington, DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

It's an old school thing in the US. Somewhat popular still in pockets on the east coast.

It's a Southern thing. It was a preteen rite of passage growing up in Charleston, SC.

It used to be more common in the Northeast, too. I guess the South tends to hang onto traditions longer.

We did it back in the 1980's in the NYC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing you can do is teach your kids to be kind and respectful of everybody - especially servers in restaurants, people working the coat check, salon technicians, valets, etc. And be generous with tips when you can.

My MIL is very wealthy now, but grew up with a 'hard scrabble' childhood. I am horrified at how she treats people in service professions. She is rude and demanding, and it reflects poorly on her. I guess for her 'familiarity breeds contempt.' However, how you treat others tells me a lot about you and where you come from. To me it says 'I've got the wealth, but not the class,' and your invitations to join the inner circles will start to dwindle.

The wealthiest and classiest people I know go out of their way to treat others with respect, always looking people in the eye and saying 'thank you,' and address people they see frequently by name. This will go a long way, and is an invaluable lesson for your children.

On my death bed I will not regret that I may have occasionally over tipped.

It is incredibly uncomfortable to see someone upbraid a subordinate--staff or someone in your employ--in front of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The butter aside is hilarious...and long-lived. Every time it pops back up, I laugh.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It sounds like manners are a must. Volunteering/kindness and culture are close seconds.

These were the last things I expected to hear, but it makes sense. Of course, being lower class, socially, I guess that's no surprise.

To the PPs telling me to stay true to myself, well, I am. I already feel like an impostor most of the time, I don't have to add feeling fake to the mix. I am heavy, dress badly, unmanicured, and yet I'm quite happy with myself. I've provided a better life for my kids and parents than we deserve. I don't want to spend my time literally reshaping myself. I have a vegetable garden to tend to!

For my kids, though, I want them to have it all. I want them to feel and be authentic. I'm truly grateful to have all of your advice.

Now, I guess the challenge to figure out how to implement it. Manners are a relentless pursuit. You have to have them all the freaking time. F**k me. :\

I like you, OP!