Adoptive parents that treat their biological child and adopted child differently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a neighbor that has a biological child and an adopted child. There is a clear difference in how they are treated. The biological child was cooed and loved and hugged held and photographed etc. etc. The adoptive child is often left alone, penned, gated, etc. Nothing abusive (I think), but just treated differently. Is this typical or a result of human nature?

Such a terrible thing to do to adopted child.

[Anonymous]

This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

[Anonymous]

DH and I went immediately to adoption in our 30s. Never cared a whit for pregnancy.

This is so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went immediately to adoption in our 30s. Never cared a whit for pregnancy.

This is so sad.

Us too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

I disagree. Losing your biological family is inherently traumatic. This doesn’t mean adoptees can’t be healthy, happy people but the significant loss they experienced can’t be glossed over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

I disagree. Losing your biological family is inherently traumatic. This doesn’t mean adoptees can’t be healthy, happy people but the significant loss they experienced can’t be glossed over

You are projecting your feelings onto others. Not everyone feels like you do. Maybe all your issues have caused issues with your child since you never bonded with them as you are the one with the adoption issues. And, not all kids lose their birth families. That’s on you for a closed adoption. We talk to our child’s family, who are also now our family at least a few times a month, sometimes a lot more.

I haven’t talked to my family in at least a year. It’s been the best choice I made. Biology doesn’t always mean love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

I disagree. Losing your biological family is inherently traumatic. This doesn’t mean adoptees can’t be healthy, happy people but the significant loss they experienced can’t be glossed over

You are projecting your feelings onto others. Not everyone feels like you do. Maybe all your issues have caused issues with your child since you never bonded with them as you are the one with the adoption issues. And, not all kids lose their birth families. That’s on you for a closed adoption. We talk to our child’s family, who are also now our family at least a few times a month, sometimes a lot more.

I haven’t talked to my family in at least a year. It’s been the best choice I made. Biology doesn’t always mean love.

"We talk to our child’s family, who are also now our family at least a few times a month, sometimes a lot more."

Seriously curious about this since open adoptions are a relatively new concept in the past few decades. How old is your child? If older, how has their relationship been with their birth family? Do they do things separately from your home, to bond with them? Have you had any conflicts? If you have biological children what/how is their relationship with the adoptee's birth family?

I'm interested in how this all works when the adoption is not just open but is an integral part of multiple family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

Well maybe but my experience is that our bio and adopted children have very different needs . Our adopted child explicitly asked us not to treat them in the same way as they have different needs and life experiences. We tried to treat them the same and it did not work for us. Of course we try wherever possible .

The idea that most adopted children have some level of trauma is what adoption trained therapists have told us / that all adopted children have some kind of deep pain related to feelings of abandonment, belonging snd self worth .. from what I have seen among children adopted internationally into multiracial and closed adoptions, this is very true. It is probably very different for open domestic adoptions where adoptees don’t struggle with looking different to everyone else in the family.

I think adoption therapists use trauma in a different way to what most of us think of as trauma - The root cause is that Whether a child is adopted at birth or they are older at the time of adoption, their separation from the birth mother is a profound experience. The body processes this disruption as a trauma, which creates what may be called an “attachment wound.

If your adopted child does not struggle with identity and belonging issues then I am happy for you. But I know many adopted children who do struggle. It is a complicated journey for them.

We love and support our adopted child the best we can but it is not up to us to dictate their emotions and how they respond to their situation. We also don’t expect them to pretend everything is honky dory when it does not feel that way to them. However, we continue to provide the most stable and loving home that we can.

[Anonymous]

I have been deeply involved in the adoption community since I was 33 and adopted my son as a SMBC.

This stuff is wild and not amongst the stories and life experiences I have become a part of in the last 20 years.

Maybe if it means so much to you to have bio kids then don't even consider adopting. It leaves more kids for us who don't care about having bio children.

[Anonymous]

"It leaves more kids for us who don't care about having bio children."

This makes it sound like children are a product on a shelf, and having more selection for YOU.

What a tone deaf and shameful statement, especially for someone who professes proudly they are part of the community.

I always thought adoption was about providing a HOME for children in need, not providing CHILDREN to those who want kid(s) in their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been deeply involved in the adoption community since I was 33 and adopted my son as a SMBC.

This stuff is wild and not amongst the stories and life experiences I have become a part of in the last 20 years.

Maybe if it means so much to you to have bio kids then don't even consider adopting. It leaves more kids for us who don't care about having bio children.

.

Is yours an open domestic adoption? Same race?

As others have stated, international, multi-racial, closed adoptions tend to be much more complicated despite best efforts from all the adoptive parents I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

I disagree. Losing your biological family is inherently traumatic. This doesn’t mean adoptees can’t be healthy, happy people but the significant loss they experienced can’t be glossed over

You are projecting your feelings onto others. Not everyone feels like you do. Maybe all your issues have caused issues with your child since you never bonded with them as you are the one with the adoption issues. And, not all kids lose their birth families. That’s on you for a closed adoption. We talk to our child’s family, who are also now our family at least a few times a month, sometimes a lot more.

I haven’t talked to my family in at least a year. It’s been the best choice I made. Biology doesn’t always mean love.

I’ve never adopted but I think modern thought around the issue is that adoption does inherently mean the child has lost something- living with their biological family. This is traumatic on some level. And, you are right, biology doesn’t always mean love and it’s deeply painful to have not been loved by your biological parents (not that this is always or even often the case re why a child is given up for adoption)

I work with adopted kids and many of them love their families and are happy functional people but it can be very damaging for families who adopt to deny the complexities around being adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

I disagree. Losing your biological family is inherently traumatic. This doesn’t mean adoptees can’t be healthy, happy people but the significant loss they experienced can’t be glossed over

You are projecting your feelings onto others. Not everyone feels like you do. Maybe all your issues have caused issues with your child since you never bonded with them as you are the one with the adoption issues. And, not all kids lose their birth families. That’s on you for a closed adoption. We talk to our child’s family, who are also now our family at least a few times a month, sometimes a lot more.

I haven’t talked to my family in at least a year. It’s been the best choice I made. Biology doesn’t always mean love.

I’ve never adopted but I think modern thought around the issue is that adoption does inherently mean the child has lost something- living with their biological family. This is traumatic on some level. And, you are right, biology doesn’t always mean love and it’s deeply painful to have not been loved by your biological parents (not that this is always or even often the case re why a child is given up for adoption)

I work with adopted kids and many of them love their families and are happy functional people but it can be very damaging for families who adopt to deny the complexities around being adopted.

Plus one

[Anonymous]

I know a family where the dynamic is the opposite -- the adopted child is singled out as the special one who needs more and must be treated better because she was adopted at 3 from a pretty bad situation. I understand why this is happening and I think everyone's intentions are good but I also think it is creating weird dynamics with the kids and could result in some not great relationships as they get older. I really try to treat all the kids with the same level of kindness and respect when I interact with the family. And I make a point of not singling out or paying special attention to the adoptive DD because not only do I think this might be a bummer for her siblings but I also think it has led to her feeling very self-conscious and "othered" in a lot of settings.

I think it's a tricky situation and hard to get exactly right. I'm glad she's not being neglected or treated as less than -- no one deserves that. And her siblings aren't being neglected either. But I think it preserves a division between them that probably isn't healthy even if it's well meaning.