Reply to Adoptive parents that treat their biological child and adopted child differently

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial).  International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved. [/quote]

All adopted kids do not have trauma.  Maybe your parenting is to play.  My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child.  Your post makes me so sad for this child.  [/quote]

Well maybe but my experience is that our bio and adopted children have very different needs . Our adopted child explicitly asked us not to treat them in the same way as they have different needs and life experiences. We tried to treat them the same and it did not work for us.  Of course we try wherever possible .

The idea that most adopted children have some level of trauma is what adoption trained therapists have told us / that all adopted children have some kind of deep pain related  to feelings of abandonment, belonging snd self worth .. from what I have seen among children adopted internationally into multiracial and closed adoptions, this is very true. It is probably very different for open domestic adoptions where adoptees don’t struggle with looking different to everyone else in the family.

I think adoption therapists use trauma in a different way to what most of us think of as trauma - The root cause is that Whether a child is adopted at birth or they are older at the time of adoption, their separation from the birth mother is a profound experience. The body processes this disruption as a trauma, which creates what may be called an “attachment wound.

If your adopted child does not struggle with identity and belonging issues then I am happy for you. But I know many adopted children who do struggle. It is a complicated journey for them.

We love and support our adopted child the best we can but it is not up to us to dictate their emotions and how they respond to their situation. We also don’t expect them to pretend everything is honky dory when it does not feel that way to them. However, we continue to provide the most stable and loving home that we can. 
[/quote]

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