Adoptive parents that treat their biological child and adopted child differently

[Anonymous]

^ I also see a family with similar dynamic.

The adopted child is via a very open adoption. The child's bio parents and extended family are very involved and visit with regularity.

The other children in the family are old enough to now recognize that Larlo has an additional set of parents, grandparents AND the related attention that comes with it.

The adopted child's bio family is not unkind to the other children but it is obvious their primary care and attention is on the adopted child.

Wondering how this family dynamic will work out in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ I also see a family with similar dynamic.

The adopted child is via a very open adoption. The child's bio parents and extended family are very involved and visit with regularity.

The other children in the family are old enough to now recognize that Larlo has an additional set of parents, grandparents AND the related attention that comes with it.

The adopted child's bio family is not unkind to the other children but it is obvious their primary care and attention is on the adopted child.

Wondering how this family dynamic will work out in the long run.

It works out fine b

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

Well maybe but my experience is that our bio and adopted children have very different needs . Our adopted child explicitly asked us not to treat them in the same way as they have different needs and life experiences. We tried to treat them the same and it did not work for us. Of course we try wherever possible .

The idea that most adopted children have some level of trauma is what adoption trained therapists have told us / that all adopted children have some kind of deep pain related to feelings of abandonment, belonging snd self worth .. from what I have seen among children adopted internationally into multiracial and closed adoptions, this is very true. It is probably very different for open domestic adoptions where adoptees don’t struggle with looking different to everyone else in the family.

I think adoption therapists use trauma in a different way to what most of us think of as trauma - The root cause is that Whether a child is adopted at birth or they are older at the time of adoption, their separation from the birth mother is a profound experience. The body processes this disruption as a trauma, which creates what may be called an “attachment wound.

If your adopted child does not struggle with identity and belonging issues then I am happy for you. But I know many adopted children who do struggle. It is a complicated journey for them.

We love and support our adopted child the best we can but it is not up to us to dictate their emotions and how they respond to their situation. We also don’t expect them to pretend everything is honky dory when it does not feel that way to them. However, we continue to provide the most stable and loving home that we can.

If your child feels you are treating them differently you need to look at what you are doing. Just by calling the pm the adopted child speaks volumes. You are projecting on them and trusting them differently. Of course they have issues with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It leaves more kids for us who don't care about having bio children."

This makes it sound like children are a product on a shelf, and having more selection for YOU.

What a tone deaf and shameful statement, especially for someone who professes proudly they are part of the community.

I always thought adoption was about providing a HOME for children in need, not providing CHILDREN to those who want kid(s) in their home.

No, with newborn adoption let’s be real. It’s about the adults wanting to be parents. This may be true for some older kid adoption but most do it for their wants not the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"It leaves more kids for us who don't care about having bio children."

This makes it sound like children are a product on a shelf, and having more selection for YOU.

What a tone deaf and shameful statement, especially for someone who professes proudly they are part of the community.

I always thought adoption was about providing a HOME for children in need, not providing CHILDREN to those who want kid(s) in their home.

No, with newborn adoption let’s be real. It’s about the adults wanting to be parents. This may be true for some older kid adoption but most do it for their wants not the child.

Yes. Just like birthing children is about the parents’ wants. So?? How is that some big gotcha? People become parents because they want to be parents, not exactly breaking news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I also see a family with similar dynamic.

The adopted child is via a very open adoption. The child's bio parents and extended family are very involved and visit with regularity.

The other children in the family are old enough to now recognize that Larlo has an additional set of parents, grandparents AND the related attention that comes with it.

The adopted child's bio family is not unkind to the other children but it is obvious their primary care and attention is on the adopted child.

Wondering how this family dynamic will work out in the long run.

It works out fine b

Do you have any supporting information that this dynamic "works out fine"? Open adoptions haven't been around for very long so I'm wondering what kind of stats or peer-reviewed info you have that proves this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.


Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

I disagree. Losing your biological family is inherently traumatic. This doesn’t mean adoptees can’t be healthy, happy people but the significant loss they experienced can’t be glossed over

My DH (adopted as an infant) is rolling his eyes. Let's see what our 2 adopted children do when I show them this thread in a few minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a family where the dynamic is the opposite -- the adopted child is singled out as the special one who needs more and must be treated better because she was adopted at 3 from a pretty bad situation. I understand why this is happening and I think everyone's intentions are good but I also think it is creating weird dynamics with the kids and could result in some not great relationships as they get older. I really try to treat all the kids with the same level of kindness and respect when I interact with the family. And I make a point of not singling out or paying special attention to the adoptive DD because not only do I think this might be a bummer for her siblings but I also think it has led to her feeling very self-conscious and "othered" in a lot of settings.

I think it's a tricky situation and hard to get exactly right. I'm glad she's not being neglected or treated as less than -- no one deserves that. And her siblings aren't being neglected either. But I think it preserves a division between them that probably isn't healthy even if it's well meaning.

This is my husband’s family. His brother biological, brother is adopted. By all measures my husband is very successful. His brother is not. But as an outsider it always looks very strange. His mother (my MIL) dotes on the adopted son, talks about him all the time, and always put us and our family second. BIL is single with no kids. My inlaws even stood me up the first time they were going to meet me. Instead stayed home to wait by the phone because BIL might need a ride. We waited for them at a restaurant and they never came. That’s how it’s always been. BIL and his needs and wants come first. But my husband is fine with it, used to it, and secure enough to not be bitter. My parents have always made a much bigger deal about equal treatment of siblings and aren’t so obviously biased. It’s hard to witness blatant different treatment. The inlaws are definitely overcompensating for BILs shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a family where the dynamic is the opposite -- the adopted child is singled out as the special one who needs more and must be treated better because she was adopted at 3 from a pretty bad situation. I understand why this is happening and I think everyone's intentions are good but I also think it is creating weird dynamics with the kids and could result in some not great relationships as they get older. I really try to treat all the kids with the same level of kindness and respect when I interact with the family. And I make a point of not singling out or paying special attention to the adoptive DD because not only do I think this might be a bummer for her siblings but I also think it has led to her feeling very self-conscious and "othered" in a lot of settings.

I think it's a tricky situation and hard to get exactly right. I'm glad she's not being neglected or treated as less than -- no one deserves that. And her siblings aren't being neglected either. But I think it preserves a division between them that probably isn't healthy even if it's well meaning.

This is my husband’s family. Husband is biological, brother is adopted. By all measures my husband is very successful. His brother is not. But as an outsider it always looks very strange. His mother (my MIL) dotes on the adopted son, talks about him all the time, and always put us and our family second. BIL is single with no kids. My inlaws even stood me up the first time they were going to meet me. Instead stayed home to wait by the phone because BIL might need a ride. We waited for them at a restaurant and they never came. That’s how it’s always been. BIL and his needs and wants come first. But my husband is fine with it, used to it, and secure enough to not be bitter. My parents have always made a much bigger deal about equal treatment of siblings and aren’t so obviously biased. It’s hard to witness blatant different treatment. The inlaws are definitely overcompensating for BILs shortcomings.

Oops - Husband is bio, brother adopted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.


Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

I disagree. Losing your biological family is inherently traumatic. This doesn’t mean adoptees can’t be healthy, happy people but the significant loss they experienced can’t be glossed over

My DH (adopted as an infant) is rolling his eyes. Let's see what our 2 adopted children do when I show them this thread in a few minutes.

Again were they open, domestic and same race adoptions?

There is a ton of research that international closed multiracial adoptions tend to be more complicated.

Your holier than thou attitude towards parents who struggle to do right by their bio and adopted DC. Great your DH and children are perfectly adapted but that is not everyone’s experience. You sound tone deaf to insist it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

Well maybe but my experience is that our bio and adopted children have very different needs . Our adopted child explicitly asked us not to treat them in the same way as they have different needs and life experiences. We tried to treat them the same and it did not work for us. Of course we try wherever possible .

The idea that most adopted children have some level of trauma is what adoption trained therapists have told us / that all adopted children have some kind of deep pain related to feelings of abandonment, belonging snd self worth .. from what I have seen among children adopted internationally into multiracial and closed adoptions, this is very true. It is probably very different for open domestic adoptions where adoptees don’t struggle with looking different to everyone else in the family.

I think adoption therapists use trauma in a different way to what most of us think of as trauma - The root cause is that Whether a child is adopted at birth or they are older at the time of adoption, their separation from the birth mother is a profound experience. The body processes this disruption as a trauma, which creates what may be called an “attachment wound.

If your adopted child does not struggle with identity and belonging issues then I am happy for you. But I know many adopted children who do struggle. It is a complicated journey for them.

We love and support our adopted child the best we can but it is not up to us to dictate their emotions and how they respond to their situation. We also don’t expect them to pretend everything is honky dory when it does not feel that way to them. However, we continue to provide the most stable and loving home that we can.

If your child feels you are treating them differently you need to look at what you are doing. Just by calling the pm the adopted child speaks volumes. You are projecting on them and trusting them differently. Of course they have issues with this.

Thanks but we will stick to advice from our trained adoption therapists - personal and family -

What speaks volumes is your decibel blowing condescension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I also see a family with similar dynamic.

The adopted child is via a very open adoption. The child's bio parents and extended family are very involved and visit with regularity.

The other children in the family are old enough to now recognize that Larlo has an additional set of parents, grandparents AND the related attention that comes with it.

The adopted child's bio family is not unkind to the other children but it is obvious their primary care and attention is on the adopted child.

Wondering how this family dynamic will work out in the long run.

It works out fine b

Do you have any supporting information that this dynamic "works out fine"? Open adoptions haven't been around for very long so I'm wondering what kind of stats or peer-reviewed info you have that proves this.

There is no one size fits all. It takes reasonable rational people to make it work. My child doesn’t wonder where they came from, who they look like, etc. we are very similar so some things are hard to tell if it’s nature, nurture or both. How can it be a bad things if parties support each other and just join as a family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

Well maybe but my experience is that our bio and adopted children have very different needs . Our adopted child explicitly asked us not to treat them in the same way as they have different needs and life experiences. We tried to treat them the same and it did not work for us. Of course we try wherever possible .

The idea that most adopted children have some level of trauma is what adoption trained therapists have told us / that all adopted children have some kind of deep pain related to feelings of abandonment, belonging snd self worth .. from what I have seen among children adopted internationally into multiracial and closed adoptions, this is very true. It is probably very different for open domestic adoptions where adoptees don’t struggle with looking different to everyone else in the family.

I think adoption therapists use trauma in a different way to what most of us think of as trauma - The root cause is that Whether a child is adopted at birth or they are older at the time of adoption, their separation from the birth mother is a profound experience. The body processes this disruption as a trauma, which creates what may be called an “attachment wound.

If your adopted child does not struggle with identity and belonging issues then I am happy for you. But I know many adopted children who do struggle. It is a complicated journey for them.

We love and support our adopted child the best we can but it is not up to us to dictate their emotions and how they respond to their situation. We also don’t expect them to pretend everything is honky dory when it does not feel that way to them. However, we continue to provide the most stable and loving home that we can.

If your child feels you are treating them differently you need to look at what you are doing. Just by calling the pm the adopted child speaks volumes. You are projecting on them and trusting them differently. Of course they have issues with this.

Thanks but we will stick to advice from our trained adoption therapists - personal and family -

What speaks volumes is your decibel blowing condescension.

You need a new therapist. You are paying them so of course they will humor you and blame the birth parents. Kid lives with you. You need to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ I also see a family with similar dynamic.

The adopted child is via a very open adoption. The child's bio parents and extended family are very involved and visit with regularity.

The other children in the family are old enough to now recognize that Larlo has an additional set of parents, grandparents AND the related attention that comes with it.

The adopted child's bio family is not unkind to the other children but it is obvious their primary care and attention is on the adopted child.

Wondering how this family dynamic will work out in the long run.

It works out fine b

Do you have any supporting information that this dynamic "works out fine"? Open adoptions haven't been around for very long so I'm wondering what kind of stats or peer-reviewed info you have that proves this.

There is no one size fits all. It takes reasonable rational people to make it work. My child doesn’t wonder where they came from, who they look like, etc. we are very similar so some things are hard to tell if it’s nature, nurture or both. How can it be a bad things if parties support each other and just join as a family?

But that isn't what I asked. This is your own personal situation, viewed from your perspective not the adopted child's nor biological children.

I'm looking for bona fide studies that show "it works out fine." I read one study from NIH that indicates open adoptions (in general) MAY be better but each situation can vary so much there cannot be a definitive conclusion that interacting regularly.

Anecdotally, I've read posters on the "Ask Adoptee" Reddit threads and they don't paint such a clear-cut and rosy picture of open adoption. One would think that being anonymous would allow them to be brutally honest about their experiences and their comments have merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a 15 year old thread and hopefully there have been some improvements in understanding the complex needs of adoptive children since then.

We have both and we have tried so hard to treat them equally but it may not always look that way on the surface.

They are very different people and what worked with bio DC has not worked with adopted DC.

Adopted DC has required much more help and has had many more struggles. We try to support those needs but not always successfully.

Plus All adopted children have some kind of trauma. There are not many therapists who are trained in helping youth with complex adoption traumas. But there is now special training for therapists to help adoptive children and parents.

Also there are big differences between domestic (mostly open) and international adoptions (mostly closed and often interracial). International adoptions have dramatically
Reduced. I imagine since overturning Roe v Wade that there will be many more children available for adoption domestically.

Also Many adoptees have learning differences or special needs of some kind which can require extra supports.

So I agree that parents should not treat bio and adoptive DC differently where possible - and definitely all children need to feel that they are unconditionally loved.

All adopted kids do not have trauma. Maybe your parenting is to play. My child joined our family through adoption and is not my adopted child. Your post makes me so sad for this child.

Well maybe but my experience is that our bio and adopted children have very different needs . Our adopted child explicitly asked us not to treat them in the same way as they have different needs and life experiences. We tried to treat them the same and it did not work for us. Of course we try wherever possible .

The idea that most adopted children have some level of trauma is what adoption trained therapists have told us / that all adopted children have some kind of deep pain related to feelings of abandonment, belonging snd self worth .. from what I have seen among children adopted internationally into multiracial and closed adoptions, this is very true. It is probably very different for open domestic adoptions where adoptees don’t struggle with looking different to everyone else in the family.

I think adoption therapists use trauma in a different way to what most of us think of as trauma - The root cause is that Whether a child is adopted at birth or they are older at the time of adoption, their separation from the birth mother is a profound experience. The body processes this disruption as a trauma, which creates what may be called an “attachment wound.

If your adopted child does not struggle with identity and belonging issues then I am happy for you. But I know many adopted children who do struggle. It is a complicated journey for them.

We love and support our adopted child the best we can but it is not up to us to dictate their emotions and how they respond to their situation. We also don’t expect them to pretend everything is honky dory when it does not feel that way to them. However, we continue to provide the most stable and loving home that we can.

If your child feels you are treating them differently you need to look at what you are doing. Just by calling the pm the adopted child speaks volumes. You are projecting on them and trusting them differently. Of course they have issues with this.

Thanks but we will stick to advice from our trained adoption therapists - personal and family -

What speaks volumes is your decibel blowing condescension.

You need a new therapist. You are paying them so of course they will humor you and blame the birth parents. Kid lives with you. You need to change.

You really are sanctimonious and wrong-headed. You believe that Your DH and DC had perfect adoptions so that gives you the right to diminish others who work hard with professionals to meet the needs of their adoptive children? You are not an expert, and you don’t seem to understand the current therapeutic use of the term adoption trauma/ adoption loss -/ yet you rail against it like a hurricane wind in a teacup as if this serves the adoptive community some greater good. (Note: It does not) - Denying wide spread experiences with adoption traumas/ losses just adds to feelings of shame for adoptees who do struggle with deep conflicted feelings around their adoptions .

There is a growing body of research related to traumas around separation from biological
Mothers/ families and how that manifests in different ways in different developmental stages.

Try reading more on the topic before shaming other adoptive parents.

CASE (Center for Adoption Support and Education) now offers training for therapists to better understand and help adoptees and their families to work through adoption losses and traumas . All adoption trained therapists are trained to recognize and help adoptees and their families to recognize and process adoption traumas/ losses in ways that help them to deal with adoption issues in honest and healthy ways. Thank Heavens they exist now.
https://adoptionsupport.org/


“In 2019, a book titled Seven Core Issues in Adoption any Permanency was published. The authors, Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon, wrote about the deep impact of adoption that we see here in our International Adoption Center where we assist internationally and domestically adopted children along with their parents, pediatricians, and the community doctors who care for them.”

The 7 Core Issues of Adoption Loss. For adoptees, loss of birth/first parents results in a loss of connection to one's roots and sense of safety and protection.
Rejection. ...
Shame and Guilt. ...
Grief. ...
Identity. ...
Intimacy. ...
Mastery and Control.

https://blog.cincinnatichildrens.org/learning-and-growing/exploring-the-7-core-issues-of-adoption/

Apart from many people who work with adoptees seeing adopted children and youth struggling with adoption losses, I personally know many adoptive children (via closed international multiracial adoptions) who have struggled.

You really need to stop giving unsolicited advice to adoptive parents when you don’t know what you’re talking about. Reality and fact deniers do more than good. Again, it is great if your DH and DC are perfectly adapted adoptees but that is not the case for everyone - Many become healthy eventually but may need help from adoption trained therapists who understand the impacts of adoption losses - to get there.