Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe anyone is taking the mother's side. Insanity! She sounds terribly selfish (the "grandmas don't babysit - they visit" tells you everything you need to know about her in a nutshell IMO). I'm sorry you're struggling OP. I'm glad for your sake that you have a supportive sister. Many people in your position don't.

14:33 here again and yes OP is lucky she is not fighting with her sister. I no longer live in my hometown but my two siblings do and they are now doing most of the caregiving. They are angry at me for supposedly not doing my share. At the moment none of us are really speaking to each other and we are all really burned out. My parents divorce and aging has pitted us against each other.

Your parents' divorce and aging have nothing to do with it. If you can't provide hands-on care, you can pitch in with more money. You choose not to. That's what makes your siblings justifiably angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The mother is selfish because she expects the daughter to do the emotional labor of creating the illusion that all is well, so that the mother can have a fun visit and not have to help or even think abiut what her daughter is going through. She has every right to get divorced, but she can't demand that the daughter play along with her fantasy life in which everything is wonderful and divorce has no cnsequences.

Yes, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is going to reap what she sows. She won't get the relationship with your, your sister, or her grandchildren, because you are all too effing busy taking care of your father. To Pp's who don't seem to get it--sure, mom has no obligation to her ex husband. She still has obligations to her children, FFS. Or not, but then don't complain when no one visits her when she's old and boyfriend has bailed.

Maybe the father is reaping what he sowed. When I am divorced, I won't give my husband a second thought. I tried for years to fix our marital problems (with no interest on his end of doing the same) and have now checked out completely.

No one is expecting the mother to care for the father. What they are expecting is that the mother recognize that her daughter is caring for her terminally ill father, and be at least somewhat sympathic to that fact. I can't imagine seeing my daughter in that position and not offering sympathy or offering to babysit the kids. Adding to her burden by demanding fun visits and ignoring what she is going through is unfathomable to me.

I'm curious about the mother's history with her own parents. I assume they're gone - did she provide any caretaking?

[Anonymous]

The goal should not be taking sides. Taking sides doesn't change anything for Op. It is what it is Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is going to reap what she sows. She won't get the relationship with your, your sister, or her grandchildren, because you are all too effing busy taking care of your father. To Pp's who don't seem to get it--sure, mom has no obligation to her ex husband. She still has obligations to her children, FFS. Or not, but then don't complain when no one visits her when she's old and boyfriend has bailed.

Maybe the father is reaping what he sowed. When I am divorced, I won't give my husband a second thought. I tried for years to fix our marital problems (with no interest on his end of doing the same) and have now checked out completely.

No one is expecting the mother to care for the father. What they are expecting is that the mother recognize that her daughter is caring for her terminally ill father, and be at least somewhat sympathic to that fact. I can't imagine seeing my daughter in that position and not offering sympathy or offering to babysit the kids. Adding to her burden by demanding fun visits and ignoring what she is going through is unfathomable to me.

I'm curious about the mother's history with her own parents. I assume they're gone - did she provide any caretaking?

+1. Do you care at all about your children and grandchildren, PP? Caring for an aging parent puts a strain on everyone.

[Anonymous]

I really don't see any difference between OP and her mom. OP is resentful that mom won't help, mom is resentful that OP won't make time for her. I am neither unhappy, nor divorced, not about to be divorced, people who accuse other people of projecting. How can OP not know why her parents divorced? We all know she knows, she is either lying to herself or to others. Rare is an older woman who seeks divorce, the opposite is more common. Mom divorced Dad, but OP wants to divorce mom because mom won't help. In my mind OP's mom is seeing that her daughter is choosing Dad over her, no matter the illness. And yet again, it is all about Mom making the sacrifice, doing the right thing. Why are your parents divorced OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't see any difference between OP and her mom. OP is resentful that mom won't help, mom is resentful that OP won't make time for her. I am neither unhappy, nor divorced, not about to be divorced, people who accuse other people of projecting. How can OP not know why her parents divorced? We all know she knows, she is either lying to herself or to others. Rare is an older woman who seeks divorce, the opposite is more common. Mom divorced Dad, but OP wants to divorce mom because mom won't help. In my mind OP's mom is seeing that her daughter is choosing Dad over her, no matter the illness. And yet again, it is all about Mom making the sacrifice, doing the right thing. Why are your parents divorced OP?

Mom should understand that time with someone who is dying comes before time with someone who just wants to have fun together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This is a bunch of crap. Kids have their own lives. The toxic spillover from the parents endeavors are their responsibility. Clean up your own messes and keep kids clear of your failures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't see any difference between OP and her mom. OP is resentful that mom won't help, mom is resentful that OP won't make time for her. I am neither unhappy, nor divorced, not about to be divorced, people who accuse other people of projecting. How can OP not know why her parents divorced? We all know she knows, she is either lying to herself or to others. Rare is an older woman who seeks divorce, the opposite is more common. Mom divorced Dad, but OP wants to divorce mom because mom won't help. In my mind OP's mom is seeing that her daughter is choosing Dad over her, no matter the illness. And yet again, it is all about Mom making the sacrifice, doing the right thing. Why are your parents divorced OP?

Mom should understand that time with someone who is dying comes before time with someone who just wants to have fun together.

Mom might not see it that way, and the angry rant of OP certainly makes it clear she resents having this new obligation of caring for dying Dad on her. "Mom, come watch my kids while I take care of the man you divorced, you won't see me and once again because of him, you will be taking care of somebody else." That is what elderly mom is hearing. There is way more to this story than OP is telling us. If her mom was always selfish and callous person, she would have written, but to me her choice of words"finished the gig" indicates that OP knew mom was not having all roses and lilacs in her marriage. Plus, how much is OP really taking care of her Dad, so far she made a trip(maybe a few trips) to where her dad is. The question is where is her mom living, close to OP or far away? If she is close, and OP only occasionally goes to help with Dad, why can't Op spend some time with mom as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe anyone is taking the mother's side. Insanity! She sounds terribly selfish (the "grandmas don't babysit - they visit" tells you everything you need to know about her in a nutshell IMO). I'm sorry you're struggling OP. I'm glad for your sake that you have a supportive sister. Many people in your position don't.

+1 I'm also shocked at the number of people who are attacking OP who is really just venting about a complete lack of empathy from her mother. Who couldn't use a bit more understanding at a horrible time in their life and would hope to get it from their mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe anyone is taking the mother's side. Insanity! She sounds terribly selfish (the "grandmas don't babysit - they visit" tells you everything you need to know about her in a nutshell IMO). I'm sorry you're struggling OP. I'm glad for your sake that you have a supportive sister. Many people in your position don't.

+1 I'm also shocked at the number of people who are attacking OP who is really just venting about a complete lack of empathy from her mother. Who couldn't use a bit more understanding at a horrible time in their life and would hope to get it from their mother?

+1. This is one of the many losses of divorce-- losing the ability to talk about important parts of one's life with one's parents. The social pressure of "children are resilient" sucks so much, because any negative feelings and experiencs are merely evidence of the child's shameful failure to be resilient.

[Anonymous]

OP is not a child. She is an adult. Most likely a spoiled millennial. We have people posting here who take care full time of their terminally ill parent, and she is resentful that mom won't watch her kids when goes has to go to visit a dying dad? Once again, it is all about OP, mom is not sympathetic, nobody is helping me, this sucks.... You know what sucks? Listening to entitled OP and how she and her sister are piling up blame on their mom. "Mom isn't there for us during this hard time, mom won't help, mom won't do my homework...." Grow up people, stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a child. She is an adult. Most likely a spoiled millennial. We have people posting here who take care full time of their terminally ill parent, and she is resentful that mom won't watch her kids when goes has to go to visit a dying dad? Once again, it is all about OP, mom is not sympathetic, nobody is helping me, this sucks.... You know what sucks? Listening to entitled OP and how she and her sister are piling up blame on their mom. "Mom isn't there for us during this hard time, mom won't help, mom won't do my homework...." Grow up people, stop whining.

Most parents love their children in adulthood just as much, PP. Not acknowledging OP's situation and making demands is just awful. I can't believe there are mothers there who can justify this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a child. She is an adult. Most likely a spoiled millennial. We have people posting here who take care full time of their terminally ill parent, and she is resentful that mom won't watch her kids when goes has to go to visit a dying dad? Once again, it is all about OP, mom is not sympathetic, nobody is helping me, this sucks.... You know what sucks? Listening to entitled OP and how she and her sister are piling up blame on their mom. "Mom isn't there for us during this hard time, mom won't help, mom won't do my homework...." Grow up people, stop whining.

Most parents love their children in adulthood just as much, PP. Not acknowledging OP's situation and making demands is just awful. I can't believe there are mothers there who can justify this.

I don't think most mothers think this way. It's the same few divorced posters and posters in miserable marriages who keep responding. They don't like that their children are entitled to their own view of their parents divorce and post-divorce behavior. What keeps these miserable marrieds going on a daily basis is the belief that they're doing the right thing by suffering through their marriage until the kids are out of the nest. They need to believe that their poor choice of spouse won't be an issue one day, and that it won't impact their relationships with their children or their grandchildren. They raised their kids and now their kids are supposed to be eternally grateful, because...resiliency! Therefore, they don't like ANYTHING that challenges the assumption that their suffering is enough to save them from their kid viewing them as selfish or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not a child. She is an adult. Most likely a spoiled millennial. We have people posting here who take care full time of their terminally ill parent, and she is resentful that mom won't watch her kids when goes has to go to visit a dying dad? Once again, it is all about OP, mom is not sympathetic, nobody is helping me, this sucks.... You know what sucks? Listening to entitled OP and how she and her sister are piling up blame on their mom. "Mom isn't there for us during this hard time, mom won't help, mom won't do my homework...." Grow up people, stop whining.

Most parents love their children in adulthood just as much, PP. Not acknowledging OP's situation and making demands is just awful. I can't believe there are mothers there who can justify this.

Are you a younger person or middle aged? That seems to be the gap between opinions here. I am happy to help my kids as much as I can, but they are draining and demanding as so many of teens are in this area. These teens turn into young adults who are incompetent and don't want to work hard in any area of life. OP's situation might be emotionally difficult, but quite frankly it is not that physically demanding, she lives hours away from her Dad and only visits here and there. Drama is not the parents, drama is her's and her sister's. As for parents love their children forever, sure they do, but love doesn't have to translate into servitude. If her mom was miserable in her marriage, dad has no friends or family that will see him, according to OP, last thing she wants to listen to is her DDs talking about the man that either dumped her late in life or/and made her miserable till old age.