Sister's husband has $0 in college fund for my nephews - tells me to "back off"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm increasingly convinced that OP is a troll. No one could be this clueless about how the "other half" (in this case, the other 99%) lives, especially with close family members who never went to college.

I grew up in a working poor/class ethos with my sister. I went one way, she went another. Nobody is demonizing the working class, or as someone else put it "using it as a slur." But ignorant people don't know what they don't know. Uneducated adults being suspicious or intimidated that their children will surpass them is a very real phenomenon. On a recent Malcolm Gladwell podcast they talk about a poor boy named Carlos whose druggy felon mom forbid him from attending Choate boarding school on full scholarship.

We're talking about 38-y.o. adults here that probably have the education of a suburban 6th grader. They've never stepped foot on a university campus before. Outside of maybe a couple colleagues (that don't associate with them outside of work) or distant "friends" on facebook, they don't know any college educated professionals. Most don't REALLY grasp just how narrow the scope is of a working poor/class adult and how this ethos stunts children. It's called cyclical poverty for a reason.

I grasp it very well. Which is why, if I had the money and they had the interest, I would help my nephews broaden the scope of their lives, however "small" that broadening might be. If I had the money, I would help them go to community college, if that was all they were ready for at age 18. Or if they were able to get into a four year college, I would help with that, even if the school had a grad rate of 50%, because I would know that getting out of their house and out into a somewhat more intellectual environment could only have a positive impact.

What I would not do is decide that the inability to get into a top college at 18 meant that they were washed up and destined to be deadbeats.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the trailer park

[Anonymous]

Some of are purposely being obtuse. OP, wants to understand that the nephews will go to a school from which they can graduate and springboard into a white collar job. She is considering taking on funding so, she is completely justified in considering what will happen to her 100K.

I don't understand most of these comments attack her and saying she sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the trailer park

Pretty much. Leased cars and a suburban house w/no equity is just a facade.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore the haters. I understand where you are coming from.

For these kids, because they have no help with funding from their parents, I would recommend a few strategies:

1) 2 years of community college (because it can be paid in cash or Pell Grants will cover most or all of it) and then transfer to a 4 year institution.

2) join the military to get the GI bill: it pays for a lot of school

3) careful shopping to get the best financial aid package possible


Don't talk to the parents directly. Talk to the boys. They are almost adults and can have this conversation about their future. As their aunt, you can gently start the conversation with them about what their plans are after high school and college. You can offer information. You can buy them guide books. You can encourage them to go to college fairs. You can drive them out to see colleges. You can offer to pay for their prep courses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the trailer park

Go fuck yourself.

Is that trailer park enough for you?

Congratulations on being raised by parents who had plenty of money and privilege. Not every one does. Unfortunately, all that privilege results in a terminal lack of empathy for some. Maybe therapy could help you with that, but I am not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the haters. I understand where you are coming from.

For these kids, because they have no help with funding from their parents, I would recommend a few strategies:

1) 2 years of community college (because it can be paid in cash or Pell Grants will cover most or all of it) and then transfer to a 4 year institution.

2) join the military to get the GI bill: it pays for a lot of school

3) careful shopping to get the best financial aid package possible


Don't talk to the parents directly. Talk to the boys. They are almost adults and can have this conversation about their future. As their aunt, you can gently start the conversation with them about what their plans are after high school and college. You can offer information. You can buy them guide books. You can encourage them to go to college fairs. You can drive them out to see colleges. You can offer to pay for their prep courses.

Have you read the thread? BIL has rejected this assistance.

Also, these kids have no cash for community college and won't qualify for Pell grants. They might qualify for financial aid but OP thinks (and is likely correct) that they will still be on the hook for at least $20k/year.

Please read the thread before you tell some of us that we are "haters."

[Anonymous]

Honestly, there is very little the aunt can do--other than let the boys know they can come to her once they are emancipated adults and she will willingly help them go to college.

One the other hand, if the boys find a trade they like, they may do OK financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
1) 2 years of community college (because it can be paid in cash or Pell Grants will cover most or all of it) and then transfer to a 4 year institution.

So many people casually point to a community college (and even the local commuter university) as if they're free — inc. the boys' step-father. If you're not Pell Grant eligible a community college is around $5,000/year in tuition; a commuter university is $12,000/year — and that's assuming the child lives at home and the parents continue to pay for housing, food, car, insurance, etc. Sure it's possible, in theory, to work your way through those tuition payments, but what are the odds a teen working a minimum wage to pay the $5,000-$12,000/year will ever finish their studies? The completion rates at these institutions are tragically low even when students are getting full aid to cover all expenses. You're just so behind the eight ball if you don't finish high school college ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the trailer park

Go fuck yourself.

Is that trailer park enough for you?

Congratulations on being raised by parents who had plenty of money and privilege. Not every one does. Unfortunately, all that privilege results in a terminal lack of empathy for some. Maybe therapy could help you with that, but I am not sure.

It's not a money thing; it's a low culture-stupidity-ego-power thing. I don't judge anyone for having less money - but I do judge ignorant adults jeopardizing their children's futures because they're too stupid to take a step back and realize college prep isn't their wheelhouse and welcome the generous help. It really boils down to "Ain't no uppity aunt and uncle gonna tell me what's best for me (step) kids."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is a man who marries a woman with two children abandoned by their birth father, raises them as his own, raises the two chldren from his marriage, earns enough to provide for his family, enough for his wife to stay at home, and enough to support a nice surburban house and lifestyle a "deadbeat father"???

Only in dcum-world.

What a ridiculous snob you are OP!

I thought she was referring to the boys' uninvolved bio dad as the deadbeat?

She's referring to the bio dad.

Her contempt for their real father (ie their stepfather) is very apparent.

She has more disdain for their real dad than she does for their biological sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the trailer park

Go fuck yourself.

Is that trailer park enough for you?

Congratulations on being raised by parents who had plenty of money and privilege. Not every one does. Unfortunately, all that privilege results in a terminal lack of empathy for some. Maybe therapy could help you with that, but I am not sure.

It's not a money thing; it's a low culture-stupidity-ego-power thing. I don't judge anyone for having less money - but I do judge ignorant adults jeopardizing their children's futures because they're too stupid to take a step back and realize college prep isn't their wheelhouse and welcome the generous help. It really boils down to "Ain't no uppity aunt and uncle gonna tell me what's best for me (step) kids."

Do you know how much plumbers make? Or welders? Or really talented hair stylists?

OP, you have to be one of the most ignorant snobs ever produced by dcum.

Remember, one does not need to graduate from Harvard or an ivy to have a rich and fulfilling life.

And even more important, you only need to look at the value systems of fields like the finance field, big law and politics to easily see that all that money spent on those prestigious degrees does nothing to create kind, empathetic, moral people with rich and rewarding lives who make the world a better place.

In fact, if you want your nephews to be good people who are kind and happy, you really should lower your snob treshold and get in contact with the rest of the world.

[Anonymous]

My husband went to VCU. He graduated on time, has a nice white collar job, and provides for us very well. As do all of his friends from college and many others I know who went to VCU. Stop hating on the Havoc!!

[Anonymous]

Several of my uncles did not go to college. One of them (who is actually just a few years older than me) married a woman who did not graduate from college. They are lovely people but they've really struggled financially. They've never had any real intellectual interests or pursuits and did not provide a rich learning environment for their kids. But they did the best they could by their kids and tried to support their interests. Their older son struggled in high school, started community college but dropped out, and now, in his late 20s, appears to support himself as a small-time drug dealer. Not a success story.

But their younger son was good in math. Really good. My uncle and aunt had no way to help him. Once he got to algebra, they couldn't help with homework. He went to a pretty crappy high school with not many opportunities to pursue advanced math. They could not afford tutors and knew nothing of SAT prep. But he had decent grades and solid SAT scores. He went to community college for 2 years and then was accepted to a decent college (ranked in the 50s on the USNWR university list) and got some financial aid. He lived at home all through college, and he and his parents worked their butts off to pay for it.

Last spring he was accepted to a fully funded Ph.D. program. At MIT.

I'm guessing he's pretty happy no one decided he was washed up at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several of my uncles did not go to college. One of them (who is actually just a few years older than me) married a woman who did not graduate from college. They are lovely people but they've really struggled financially. They've never had any real intellectual interests or pursuits and did not provide a rich learning environment for their kids. But they did the best they could by their kids and tried to support their interests. Their older son struggled in high school, started community college but dropped out, and now, in his late 20s, appears to support himself as a small-time drug dealer. Not a success story.

But their younger son was good in math. Really good. My uncle and aunt had no way to help him. Once he got to algebra, they couldn't help with homework. He went to a pretty crappy high school with not many opportunities to pursue advanced math. They could not afford tutors and knew nothing of SAT prep. But he had decent grades and solid SAT scores. He went to community college for 2 years and then was accepted to a decent college (ranked in the 50s on the USNWR university list) and got some financial aid. He lived at home all through college, and he and his parents worked their butts off to pay for it.

Last spring he was accepted to a fully funded Ph.D. program. At MIT.

I'm guessing he's pretty happy no one decided he was washed up at 18.

That should read: My aunt did not graduate from high school.