SAH with Older Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously people, part-time employment is the way to go, if you can. Then you can see the issue from both perspectives and, hopefully, quit being so judgmental of one another.

Easy to say if you already have it but it's very hard to get in a lot of fields. What are you supposed to do if your boss won't let you or it's not really a viable option in your field? Just quit?

Hire a babysitter or sign up for aftercare. It's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do this in a heartbeat if I could. You get a nice long break while they are at school to clean and grocery shop and do you own thing, then you get to spend a bunch of quality time with your kids at THE best ages 5-12. Then I'd go back when they were in middle school or high school. Alas, we can't afford it.

Problem is -- the work world doesn't want you after you've taken off for those years. I know.... I live the life you describe and can't just "go back."

I agree with this poster. I'm having a heck of time going back. (Kids will be in 4th and 3rd). I worked part-time after they were born, and then stopped working when my oldest needed OT.

That being said, having a spouse who commutes 2 hours total and works long hours and travels, all the before school, school and after school activities fall to me (i.e., parent-teacher conferences, homework, forms, etc). I know I'm lucky that we have the financial resources, but I find it dreary and boring. I do volunteer work in the community, but it's not the same as having a profession.

If I did find a job, I would have to hire someone to shuttle my kids around after school and help out around the house.

I'm the PP you quoted and I just want to say -- we are in the same boat. I find ways to be busy enough, but it is sometimes boring. BUT, I am available to help with the school activities during the day and I volunteer at the library. I go to the gym and run to the grocery store. Make sure everyone had the clothes they need, the library books are returned, etc. I tutor math (i.e. help with homework), and take the kids to appointments (hair cut, dentist, orthodonist, dr., etc.) . I pay the bills, manage the investments, do the taxes, fix things around the house (minor plumbing and electrical included). I research plans for the kids and the family. I used to run the HOA and the scout troop. Take the kids to soccer or music lessons.

Basically, I keep our lives running and I keep it from being really stressful. It doesn't sound very exciting and mostly it isn't. There is value in it. BUT, I will encourage my DD and future DIL to keep their jobs. I wish I had a mentor/mother who could have coached/helped me through the difficult early years. Don't think that it is just a matter of snapping your fingers and "going back to work."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do this in a heartbeat if I could. You get a nice long break while they are at school to clean and grocery shop and do you own thing, then you get to spend a bunch of quality time with your kids at THE best ages 5-12. Then I'd go back when they were in middle school or high school. Alas, we can't afford it.

Problem is -- the work world doesn't want you after you've taken off for those years. I know.... I live the life you describe and can't just "go back."

I agree with this poster. I'm having a heck of time going back. (Kids will be in 4th and 3rd). I worked part-time after they were born, and then stopped working when my oldest needed OT.

That being said, having a spouse who commutes 2 hours total and works long hours and travels, all the before school, school and after school activities fall to me (i.e., parent-teacher conferences, homework, forms, etc). I know I'm lucky that we have the financial resources, but I find it dreary and boring. I do volunteer work in the community, but it's not the same as having a profession.

If I did find a job, I would have to hire someone to shuttle my kids around after school and help out around the house.

I'm the PP you quoted and I just want to say -- we are in the same boat. I find ways to be busy enough, but it is sometimes boring. BUT, I am available to help with the school activities during the day and I volunteer at the library. I go to the gym and run to the grocery store. Make sure everyone had the clothes they need, the library books are returned, etc. I tutor math (i.e. help with homework), and take the kids to appointments (hair cut, dentist, orthodonist, dr., etc.) . I pay the bills, manage the investments, do the taxes, fix things around the house (minor plumbing and electrical included). I research plans for the kids and the family. I used to run the HOA and the scout troop. Take the kids to soccer or music lessons.

Basically, I keep our lives running and I keep it from being really stressful. It doesn't sound very exciting and mostly it isn't. There is value in it. BUT, I will encourage my DD and future DIL to keep their jobs. I wish I had a mentor/mother who could have coached/helped me through the difficult early years. Don't think that it is just a matter of snapping your fingers and "going back to work."

If you truly want to go back to work, ]p, it is not impossible. I went back after two breaks or nearly eight years off and I'm a lawyer. It just takes time and patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WAH. I often have to get them to activities by 4:45 or 5pm. They get home from school at 3.50pm.

They need to eat prior too. 90 min of sports.

Many early release days, school events, etc. it would be hard as hell if I WOH--not to mention weather closures.

If you can WAH, it's feasible. If not--Id need to drop part-time at a minimum.

It doesn't have to mean going straight to the bench!

Explore WAH or part-time options.

WAH has been a savior for me.

I WAH and feel extremely fortunate to have this set-up; makes life so much easier for after school activities. I have an ES school child, who swims a couple times a week during the winter and all summer, and I'm able to get to where he needs to be. Also makes school pick-up easier, and he can eat a snack before swim. I wish more companies would offer a WAH option, as you do have more time during the day to work because you're not commuting, and more time to spend with your family. My situation is an anomaly where I work, since I work for a large defense contractor so I'm very careful to not take advantage.

To the poster who thinks having school aged children and working FT is easy must have help and other resources. Having one child who is active is hard enough, I can't imagine working FT and having to manage multiple children's activities; something will fall through the cracks.

It's not that uncommon anymore. I have so many friends that WAH like me---various backgrounds---lawyers, IT, govt., human resources, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WAH. I often have to get them to activities by 4:45 or 5pm. They get home from school at 3.50pm.

They need to eat prior too. 90 min of sports.

Many early release days, school events, etc. it would be hard as hell if I WOH--not to mention weather closures.

If you can WAH, it's feasible. If not--Id need to drop part-time at a minimum.

It doesn't have to mean going straight to the bench!

Explore WAH or part-time options.

WAH has been a savior for me.

I WAH and feel extremely fortunate to have this set-up; makes life so much easier for after school activities. I have an ES school child, who swims a couple times a week during the winter and all summer, and I'm able to get to where he needs to be. Also makes school pick-up easier, and he can eat a snack before swim. I wish more companies would offer a WAH option, as you do have more time during the day to work because you're not commuting, and more time to spend with your family. My situation is an anomaly where I work, since I work for a large defense contractor so I'm very careful to not take advantage.

To the poster who thinks having school aged children and working FT is easy must have help and other resources. Having one child who is active is hard enough, I can't imagine working FT and having to manage multiple children's activities; something will fall through the cracks.

It's not that uncommon anymore. I have so many friends that WAH like me---various backgrounds---lawyers, IT, govt., human resources, etc.

Clearly the first poster in this thread need to leave her house more, there are tons of women with multiple kids who work outside of the home fulltime. Again it's not rocket science -- they hire a sitter/nanny, or use aftercare/camps or some combination thereof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WAH. I often have to get them to activities by 4:45 or 5pm. They get home from school at 3.50pm.

They need to eat prior too. 90 min of sports.

Many early release days, school events, etc. it would be hard as hell if I WOH--not to mention weather closures.

If you can WAH, it's feasible. If not--Id need to drop part-time at a minimum.

It doesn't have to mean going straight to the bench!

Explore WAH or part-time options.

WAH has been a savior for me.

I WAH and feel extremely fortunate to have this set-up; makes life so much easier for after school activities. I have an ES school child, who swims a couple times a week during the winter and all summer, and I'm able to get to where he needs to be. Also makes school pick-up easier, and he can eat a snack before swim. I wish more companies would offer a WAH option, as you do have more time during the day to work because you're not commuting, and more time to spend with your family. My situation is an anomaly where I work, since I work for a large defense contractor so I'm very careful to not take advantage.

To the poster who thinks having school aged children and working FT is easy must have help and other resources. Having one child who is active is hard enough, I can't imagine working FT and having to manage multiple children's activities; something will fall through the cracks.

It's not that uncommon anymore. I have so many friends that WAH like me---various backgrounds---lawyers, IT, govt., human resources, etc.

Clearly the first poster in this thread need to leave her house more, there are tons of women with multiple kids who work outside of the home fulltime. Again it's not rocket science -- they hire a sitter/nanny, or use aftercare/camps or some combination thereof.

Not to be an asshole, but I'm 40. I've been working in a professional capacity forn18yrs. I can afford an AuPair to cart my school aged kids around town. It's not exactly difficult. I'm home by 530 and take it from there. Not rocket science, not difficult.

[Anonymous]

I am the OP. I work full time. Obviously I know mothers who work! Duh. Don't be obtuse. My point was that recently a current colleague of mine, a former coworker, and a friend left their jobs to sah with elementary school children. I was surprised! But it guess I shouldn't be since school hours don't line up perfectly with work hours. Later, talking it over more with my mom's group - we've been together since our oldest kids were babies - it seemed like many of them thought these women were "living the dream." Exact quote. It surprises me a little that they all feel stressed and harried as it is with daycare pickup and fear that it's only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Maybe these women simply want a less stressed life and more time with their children? What's wrong with that? There's an op Ed in the NYT about this today called How to Fix feminism. And it starts with women like all of us in this thread, whether we work for pay or not, refusing to devalue the work that caregivers do. If you're in here bashing SAHMs, then you're part of the problem and should be booted out of the feminist movement. You don't support other women despite what lies you might tell yourself.

Signed, working mom

[Anonymous]

Most people work bc they have to not because it gives their life meaning so it shouldn't be a surprise that your friends feel spending time with their kids is "living the dream".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe these women simply want a less stressed life and more time with their children? What's wrong with that? There's an op Ed in the NYT about this today called How to Fix feminism. And it starts with women like all of us in this thread, whether we work for pay or not, refusing to devalue the work that caregivers do. If you're in here bashing SAHMs, then you're part of the problem and should be booted out of the feminist movement. You don't support other women despite what lies you might tell yourself.

Signed, working mom

There has been very little bashing SAHs here, all people have been saying is that there is little time actually gained with kids by staying home once they are in school all day. Not working because you don't like your job, or because you want a less stressful life are entirely different reasons to sah.

[Anonymous]

Most people work bc they have to not because it gives their life meaning so it shouldn't be a surprise that your friends feel spending time with their kids is "living the dream".

+1

I make more money than my spouse, but neither one of us makes enough to support a family in this region - nothing but two full-time jobs would work for us and there hasn't been any money left over for nannies and au pairs.

I don't think it would have been better for my kids if I had been SAH - just different. I probably would have been terrible at it and I actually admire parents who can throw themselves into school volunteering, chauffeuring to 4:00 sports practices, cooking meals, spotless houses, maintaining strict bedtime routines, etc. I'm kind of glad to have an excuse for not being good at any of that stuff! (Yes, yes, I know most WOH moms somehow manage to do all that stuff and work full time but I am not one of those people).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people work bc they have to not because it gives their life meaning so it shouldn't be a surprise that your friends feel spending time with their kids is "living the dream".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe these women simply want a less stressed life and more time with their children? What's wrong with that? There's an op Ed in the NYT about this today called How to Fix feminism. And it starts with women like all of us in this thread, whether we work for pay or not, refusing to devalue the work that caregivers do. If you're in here bashing SAHMs, then you're part of the problem and should be booted out of the feminist movement. You don't support other women despite what lies you might tell yourself.

Signed, working mom

There has been very little bashing SAHs here, all people have been saying is that there is little time actually gained with kids by staying home once they are in school all day. Not working because you don't like your job, or because you want a less stressful life are entirely different reasons to sah.

I think it can really depend on your schedule. I work and drop my 5 year old off at SACC (right next door to our house) at 7:15am and with increased traffic, I am not getting her until 6 or 6:15pm. That's 11 hours for a young kid, when she lives next door to school and I live 12 miles from work. If I am at home, I drop her off at 8:40am and pick her up at 3:30pm. When they are young elementary, and you need to commute and get a full 8+ hour day of work in (mandated lunch added to that), then it can be a significant difference if you are at home. I love my telework days for this very reason - her day at school is much shorter, and I have an extra two hours with her that I cherish. But I can only do this one day a week.

There is no universal truth to be found in any of this - for some SAH made sense with babies, but that doesn't invalidate those who can't do it until later, or choose to do it later. For some, they reach financial independence when their kids are still early elementary, so some women who have been working continuously and never considered taking time off, start to explore it after wondering if maybe they already have enough $$$, and perhaps they can make different choices than they thought possible heretofore. Some feel that their combo of flexibility and high income is a great balance, and keep on that track. Different rationales involved in all of these decisions. For those who keep working (which I have up until now), there are excellent reasons to stay in the game, but it should not fully define one's identity as some allow it to. Ultimately, we all live with our own choices so we better make sure we are making them for us, our kids and our spouses, not solely based on our income, status, and the perception of others. In the end, our relationships matter most, and if you can find a way to have a good amount of family time as well as financially succeed whether working or taking time off, then you do what combination works for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Most people work bc they have to not because it gives their life meaning so it shouldn't be a surprise that your friends feel spending time with their kids is "living the dream".

+1

I make more money than my spouse, but neither one of us makes enough to support a family in this region - nothing but two full-time jobs would work for us and there hasn't been any money left over for nannies and au pairs.

I don't think it would have been better for my kids if I had been SAH - just different. I probably would have been terrible at it and I actually admire parents who can throw themselves into school volunteering, chauffeuring to 4:00 sports practices, cooking meals, spotless houses, maintaining strict bedtime routines, etc. I'm kind of glad to have an excuse for not being good at any of that stuff! (Yes, yes, I know most WOH moms somehow manage to do all that stuff and work full time but I am not one of those people).

Having done it, it was extremely boring to me, once my kids started school. It is really amazing to me that people yearn to stay at home with older kids, but if you work when your kids are small and come home for the second shift, I can see how some burn out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most people work bc they have to not because it gives their life meaning so it shouldn't be a surprise that your friends feel spending time with their kids is "living the dream".

+1

I make more money than my spouse, but neither one of us makes enough to support a family in this region - nothing but two full-time jobs would work for us and there hasn't been any money left over for nannies and au pairs.

I don't think it would have been better for my kids if I had been SAH - just different. I probably would have been terrible at it and I actually admire parents who can throw themselves into school volunteering, chauffeuring to 4:00 sports practices, cooking meals, spotless houses, maintaining strict bedtime routines, etc. I'm kind of glad to have an excuse for not being good at any of that stuff! (Yes, yes, I know most WOH moms somehow manage to do all that stuff and work full time but I am not one of those people).

Having done it, it was extremely boring to me, once my kids started school. It is really amazing to me that people yearn to stay at home with older kids, but if you work when your kids are small and come home for the second shift, I can see how some burn out.

Did you at first stay home with babies and then school aged kids a bit before going back to work? I can see how your perspective would lead you to feel that way, since it is such a shift from having them home all the time, to in school at least 7 hours a day. But if you are working full-time until your kids are in school, you may not see it the same way. Their personalities are so much more developed at this point, and you want to soak it up without always feeling rushed, you just want more of those interactions, and you become aware of how fast they are growing up. Some WOHM don't see the point of staying home at this juncture based on what the costs are financially and professionally, and some think those extra hours a day on average are worth more, even some with very high salaries.