I'm Transgender. Come talk to me!

[Gaia]

Anonymous wrote:Good thread. Informative and helpful on some levels.

I just have one question and it comes from a very personal place with me.

Why did you get married and have children if you knew it wasn't who you were? I ask this because I'm in the same position as your ex wife. I am she only with 3 children to whom my ExH ripped to shreds when I accidentally walked in on him playing dress up. It wasn't fair to me that he took away the best years of my life living a lie.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It absolutely wasn't fair to you, or to my ex wife. Your life wasn't completely wasted, though, as now you have children. As much of a mistake my marriage was, I have my two beautiful children that are the best thing I've ever done.

My ex and I didn't mean to get pregnant. We were in college and thought we were infallible, so we were not always careful with birth control. Her parents pressured us to get married and I'd always been taught that's what men should do in those situations, so we wed. It was a mistake. We both knew it was a mistake and were heading towards divorce before I came out to her.

That's not an excuse, I know. I'm not sure what the outcome of our lives would have been had we not gotten married, but I very firmly avoid thinking about what if's.

[Gaia]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for doing this thread. I have a couple questions for you:

Have you watched the Amazon original series Transparent? If so, what did you think of it?

Were you gender non-conforming as a child? How did your parents respond?

Do you have any suggestions for parents of gender-nonconforming kids, particularly of gender-nonconforming boys? I feel like it's easier for gender-nonconforming girls since girls can get away with being "tomboys" as young kids but society is less tolerant of little boys dressing up in princess dresses and choosing pink and purple as their favorite colors.

I have not seen it yet, mainly because I'm nervous. What if the show portrays my life and experiences poorly? What if it shows it correctly and is too hard for me to watch?

I wasn't very gender non-conforming because that would have made me stick out. I practiced being a "real boy" and mimicked traditional boy behavior that I saw in my peers. I kept up the facade even while alone.

I think that it's important for gender noncomforming children to see their parents stick up for them. It's one thing to say "I love you even while wearing a pink dress, little Johnny" and another for little Johnny to see you defending him against other people for wearing that dress.

Let them explore. Give them options. Maybe today they like wearing dresses, but tomorrow they want to wear pants. Don't make this change a big deal. Listen to them. Do research so you understand what they are like, and what the world will be like when they enter it. Be supportive and loving. Hug them often, because the world will probably be cruel to them.

[Anonymous]

For you OP, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE-HlEG9m7I

MiMI

[Anonymous]

OP, what were you most excited to wear when you transitioned?
Where do you like to shop? Do you tend to wear a lot of skirts and dresses, or still like pants? I know you mentioned you like to just put your hair in a ponytail and wear no makeup or light makeup, curious if you'd rather dress casually, or like to dress up?

[Anonymous]

Gaia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for doing this thread. I have a couple questions for you:

Have you watched the Amazon original series Transparent? If so, what did you think of it?

Were you gender non-conforming as a child? How did your parents respond?

Do you have any suggestions for parents of gender-nonconforming kids, particularly of gender-nonconforming boys? I feel like it's easier for gender-nonconforming girls since girls can get away with being "tomboys" as young kids but society is less tolerant of little boys dressing up in princess dresses and choosing pink and purple as their favorite colors.

I have not seen it yet, mainly because I'm nervous. What if the show portrays my life and experiences poorly? What if it shows it correctly and is too hard for me to watch?

I wasn't very gender non-conforming because that would have made me stick out. I practiced being a "real boy" and mimicked traditional boy behavior that I saw in my peers. I kept up the facade even while alone.

I think that it's important for gender noncomforming children to see their parents stick up for them. It's one thing to say "I love you even while wearing a pink dress, little Johnny" and another for little Johnny to see you defending him against other people for wearing that dress.

Let them explore. Give them options. Maybe today they like wearing dresses, but tomorrow they want to wear pants. Don't make this change a big deal. Listen to them. Do research so you understand what they are like, and what the world will be like when they enter it. Be supportive and loving. Hug them often, because the world will probably be cruel to them.

Thank you for the responses. FWIW, I thought Transparent was an excellent show. The main character has adult children when she transitions, so somewhat removed from your experience with younger kids. I understand if you think it might be too difficult to watch, but I thought it was really well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some phrases or statements you've heard that express fundamental disagreement with your lifestyle, but are phrases that you do not consider mean-spirited, or bigoted?

I'm curious about this too. I do not agree with transgender in any way, shape or form. However, I believe strongly in tolerance. I have no fear or hostility about the issue and feel strongly appraised of both the scientific and intellectual opinion on the matter. To be respectful to the situation, what terminology expresses lack of agreement, but is unbigoted and not mean spirited. Thank you.

I don't think you're going to get what you're looking for here, pp. Not "agreeing with" transgender means you deny its reality in some way. You're asking, how can I deny your reality while still respecting you? but denial of someone's reality is inherently disrespectful. Maybe if you knew a person well you might be able to find a middle ground where you respected the person but not their understanding of their own gender, but you can't get there with a stranger.

I appreciate that perspective, but I believe it creates a void that eventually always ends up going downhill and I don't believe it's accurate. I'm a Christian, but I get along well with Jews, Muslims, Atheists and you name it. I fundamentally disagree with their faiths; however, I believe in their right to express their views and believe in what they believe. I don't believe I'm a bigot or hateful because I don't believe in their specific beliefs. I believe this extends to the situation with "transgender". I don't believe I have the right to deny someone the right to identify as "transgender", while I fundamentally do not believe it is a valid designation. I firmly believe that one's genitals identifies their sex, gender and whatever else terminology would refer the to the individual capable of producing sperm and fathering a human being. Therefore, I do not believe that the individual with XY chromosomes could ever be a female, woman or whatever other terminology refers to the human being associated with XX chromosomes. I would never disrespect, ridicule or be cruel in any way to someone who claims "transgender", I simply believe that transgender does not exist as a valid classification. That being said, I'm aware of chromosomal anomalies- intersex, Klinefelter's etc... In those cases, it's axiomatic that their sexual designation is on a spectrum and they have my full support in acknowledging that whatever it may be. I believe that is physical and tangible. However, I believe the concept of transgender is just that, a concept and intangible. Thank you any thoughtful response.

Well, science may eventually find a biological cause for transgender people, but I don't think it matters. If someone feels that their gender does not match their sex at birth, and they have the courage to face physical violence and rape threats as OP has, which is common in addition to employment discrimination, good for them. I think some cisgender people feel that their masculinity or femininity is threatened by transgender people because they make gender seem less stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are some phrases or statements you've heard that express fundamental disagreement with your lifestyle, but are phrases that you do not consider mean-spirited, or bigoted?

I'm curious about this too. I do not agree with transgender in any way, shape or form. However, I believe strongly in tolerance. I have no fear or hostility about the issue and feel strongly appraised of both the scientific and intellectual opinion on the matter. To be respectful to the situation, what terminology expresses lack of agreement, but is unbigoted and not mean spirited. Thank you.

I don't think you're going to get what you're looking for here, pp. Not "agreeing with" transgender means you deny its reality in some way. You're asking, how can I deny your reality while still respecting you? but denial of someone's reality is inherently disrespectful. Maybe if you knew a person well you might be able to find a middle ground where you respected the person but not their understanding of their own gender, but you can't get there with a stranger.

I appreciate that perspective, but I believe it creates a void that eventually always ends up going downhill and I don't believe it's accurate. I'm a Christian, but I get along well with Jews, Muslims, Atheists and you name it. I fundamentally disagree with their faiths; however, I believe in their right to express their views and believe in what they believe. I don't believe I'm a bigot or hateful because I don't believe in their specific beliefs. I believe this extends to the situation with "transgender". I don't believe I have the right to deny someone the right to identify as "transgender", while I fundamentally do not believe it is a valid designation. I firmly believe that one's genitals identifies their sex, gender and whatever else terminology would refer the to the individual capable of producing sperm and fathering a human being. Therefore, I do not believe that the individual with XY chromosomes could ever be a female, woman or whatever other terminology refers to the human being associated with XX chromosomes. I would never disrespect, ridicule or be cruel in any way to someone who claims "transgender", I simply believe that transgender does not exist as a valid classification. That being said, I'm aware of chromosomal anomalies- intersex, Klinefelter's etc... In those cases, it's axiomatic that their sexual designation is on a spectrum and they have my full support in acknowledging that whatever it may be. I believe that is physical and tangible. However, I believe the concept of transgender is just that, a concept and intangible. Thank you any thoughtful response.

Excellent insights.

[Gaia]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what were you most excited to wear when you transitioned?
Where do you like to shop? Do you tend to wear a lot of skirts and dresses, or still like pants? I know you mentioned you like to just put your hair in a ponytail and wear no makeup or light makeup, curious if you'd rather dress casually, or like to dress up?

There wasn't one particular thing. I was excited to wear shirts with more elegant silhouettes than is common in shirts for men. I like having more choices in what I wear; I can wear a dress or a skirt or pants to the office when previously, pants and a button down were my only option. I like bras. They're absolutely annoying to deal with, but I'm truly happy that I now have breasts to have to deal with!

I buy most of my clothes online. I've been hassled in stores before, so buying from the safety of my computer screen is easier. I'll go shopping with my children, though. My youngest has designated her my personal shopper and I feel braver with them with me.

I have low confidence days. Not days doubting who I am or regretting it, but days where the crushing knowledge of the huge weight I have to face everyday gets to me. On those days, I'll dress up more and spend more time on my appearance as a kind of psychological battle armor with which to show the world who I really am. Other days, I wear jeans. I don't really like skinny legs because my weight is still somewhat distributed as it was previously, and I refuse to wear boyfriend jeans or boxy t-shirts Clothes with no shape read to a lot of people as more male, especially if there is somebody of "questional" (ugh!) gender wearing them.

[Anonymous]

Gaia wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thread. Informative and helpful on some levels.

I just have one question and it comes from a very personal place with me.

Why did you get married and have children if you knew it wasn't who you were? I ask this because I'm in the same position as your ex wife. I am she only with 3 children to whom my ExH ripped to shreds when I accidentally walked in on him playing dress up. It wasn't fair to me that he took away the best years of my life living a lie.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It absolutely wasn't fair to you, or to my ex wife. Your life wasn't completely wasted, though, as now you have children. As much of a mistake my marriage was, I have my two beautiful children that are the best thing I've ever done.

My ex and I didn't mean to get pregnant. We were in college and thought we were infallible, so we were not always careful with birth control. Her parents pressured us to get married and I'd always been taught that's what men should do in those situations, so we wed. It was a mistake. We both knew it was a mistake and were heading towards divorce before I came out to her.

That's not an excuse, I know. I'm not sure what the outcome of our lives would have been had we not gotten married, but I very firmly avoid thinking about what if's.

No offense and I understand what you're trying to do here but with all due respect you're not the one stuck raising the children with no help and no husband or father. Keyword being FATHER. My sons did not need another mother. They needed a Dad to throw a baseball, teach them to ride a bike, go camping. A healthy male role model to bear some positive influence and talk to about topics that are awkward to talk to their mother about. They needed the benefits of a traditional family. I didn't make a decision to be a single mom. That was a decision he made for me by lying about what he was. I'm just trying to do the best I can. However, in the end I'll be the one alone while he's exploring his new identity.

I could care less what gender you live your life as. However, I don't support what you did to your family and nothing you say will change my position on that. Your wife did not make a choice to raise children with another woman and I'm sure she wasn't dreaming of trying to convince her children that an alternate lifestyle full of ridicule and violence was ok. Do you realize how cruel other kids can be? Do you even know what your kids are putting up with at school? You didn't have the right to make these decisions for them and to say you don't think about the 'what ifs' is bullshit. It's quite obvious in this situation you only thought about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Finally, some sane voices on this thread. I posted a somewhat critical assessment of OP and it was deleted. Not sure why as this thread should be for the cheerleaders and the critics.

But anyway, OP your thing seems to be more about clothes than a real identity crisis. Maybe you were just a crossdresser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Finally, some sane voices on this thread. I posted a somewhat critical assessment of OP and it was deleted. Not sure why as this thread should be for the cheerleaders and the critics.

But anyway, OP your thing seems to be more about clothes than a real identity crisis. Maybe you were just a crossdresser?

I'm the PP in the OP's wifes situation.
I don't necessarily think that those posting support weren't sane. I believe they didn't think about the impact OP's decisions had on the wife and children because nothing like this has ever hit so close to home for them. I can't expect people who are sheltered from this behavior where I'm coming from and how I feel. And I don't think OP is a horrible person. But her actions were.

I admit I'm angry at what I was forced to deal with. I'm a warm, hardworking and attractive woman who had a lot to give a deserving man. I was a good wife who took excellent care of my family. And that's what I wanted in life. I wanted a husband, a father, children and a traditional family life. I wanted kids in soccer and dance classes, family vacations and happy memories. What I was given was an emotional and financial mess. I'm angry, alone, and I don't trust people. I got saddled with not only raising the children alone, but paying for all the therapy bills trying to help them understand. I'm the one that's holding them at night when they cry. By the time my role as a mother will be fulfilled, I'll be in my mid 50's and the dating pool doesn't appear all that attractive. So for the OP to say my life wasn't wasted is perhaps the most selfish statement I've ever heard someone make. And sure... OP can say that because like my exH, she's off doing what she wants to do while I'm here doing what I have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Finally, some sane voices on this thread. I posted a somewhat critical assessment of OP and it was deleted. Not sure why as this thread should be for the cheerleaders and the critics.

But anyway, OP your thing seems to be more about clothes than a real identity crisis. Maybe you were just a crossdresser?

I'm the PP in the OP's wifes situation.
I don't necessarily think that those posting support weren't sane. I believe they didn't think about the impact OP's decisions had on the wife and children because nothing like this has ever hit so close to home for them. I can't expect people who are sheltered from this behavior where I'm coming from and how I feel. And I don't think OP is a horrible person. But her actions were.

I admit I'm angry at what I was forced to deal with. I'm a warm, hardworking and attractive woman who had a lot to give a deserving man. I was a good wife who took excellent care of my family. And that's what I wanted in life. I wanted a husband, a father, children and a traditional family life. I wanted kids in soccer and dance classes, family vacations and happy memories. What I was given was an emotional and financial mess. I'm angry, alone, and I don't trust people. I got saddled with not only raising the children alone, but paying for all the therapy bills trying to help them understand. I'm the one that's holding them at night when they cry. By the time my role as a mother will be fulfilled, I'll be in my mid 50's and the dating pool doesn't appear all that attractive. So for the OP to say my life wasn't wasted is perhaps the most selfish statement I've ever heard someone make. And sure... OP can say that because like my exH, she's off doing what she wants to do while I'm here doing what I have to do.

PP, I am sorry for what happened to you. But, while your particular situation may be unusual, you are not the only one who ended up with a life you did not bargain for. Not by a long shot. Don't need to have a transgender spouse for that to happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you date and be intimate with another trans-woman who still had a penis?

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you've addressed this yet: now that you are able to fully present yourself as female, can you speak to the differences in how you are treated by others? Do people talk to you differently than when they perceived you as a man? Treat you differently? (Not people who have known you all along-- your colleagues, random people at stores, etc.)

[Anonymous]

My very dear friend was DMAB and transitioned 10 years ago. She is so beautiful and strong, and I'm proud of her everyday.

I'm sure, based on your tone from your posts, you make many people in your life proud as well. We are who we are.

Best of luck to you.