Husband e-mails Wife spreadsheet of Wife's excuses not to have sex

[Anonymous]

"You're right, of course. There's just an unrealistic part of me that wants to be the guy she desires fiercely. After 15 years of marriage, I suppose the novelty has kind of worn off. And, it's funny you should mention your monthly cycle. The porn seems to crop up around week 3 of her cycle."

I really recommend that you don't let your mind go there - just keep focusing on the positive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Do you or do you not think sex is more important than TV the night before a 10 day business trip?"

It's certainly not good for a relationship (marriage or otherwise) for partners to be sexually on different pages. It's the kiss of death for some relationships.

HOWEVER.

Anyone has the right to not have sex if they don't want to. Their reasons are their own and it is really not okay to say, well, this reason is legitimate but that one isn't. I understand that sex is important, but all this talk of "denying" sex makes it sound like sex is something one partner gives to another, rather than something that two willing adults do TOGETHER.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. The needs of both partners need to be considered. It sounds like this lady was not considering her husband's needs, but many of the posters on this thread are not considering her needs, or are saying that her reasons for not wanting to have sex are not valid. Marriage doesn't mean ownership over a person's body. Any person, male or female.

Okay then. My husband can deny me sex for whatever reason and also get into it halfheartedly. If done consistently, the laws of natural consequences take over, and I end up finding someone else who's equally hot for me and sex as I am for him and it.

So what you are saying is that if your husband does not have sex with you when and how you want him to, you will cheat on him? Either you are committed to the person you married FOR BETTER OR WORSE or you are not.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

If I was in your situation, with your mentality, I would do one of two things:

1. Get divorced.
2. Speak to your husband about pursuing an open marriage. Your needs are not being met. You deserve to have your needs met in a way that doesn't result in his needs not being met (where the need to not have sex as often as you want to have sex is a valid need).

If he will not agree to #2 or it's not something that interests you, move straight to #1. Seriously.

Nope. The marriage is worth keeping otherwise, and we are in the middle of raising three teenagers.

Either sexual fulfillment is something that is important enough to end your marriage over, or it's not.

Don't get me wrong. I think that people should work out their sexual issues and figure out a way to be compatible. It makes me sad when people are unwilling to do that. I worked mine out, and it didn't fix our marriage, which ended. I learned a lot in the process. But my overall point was that being married to someone doesn't mean they "owe" you sex. They still get to have autonomy over their own bodies. The notion that once you're married, sex is a given whenever someone wants it is why for a very long time, many states didn't consider it illegal for a man to rape his wife. Sexual relations are part of the marriage vows, so obviously, that means you can't say no.

The continued qualifying of what reasons for not wanting to have sex are acceptable and what reasons are invalid really just reinforces the idea that sex is an obligation owed by one partner to another, and that that need is more important than other needs.

You are absolutely correct. No one should be forced to have sex or bring home a paycheck or do the laundry or cook dinner or change the oil in the cars. You are absolutely within your rights as an individual to refuse to do any or all of the above. But those choices come with consequences, and depending on how highly your partner values the activity you choose not to participate in, you will find yourself alone

So if you value your relationship more highly than your dislike of any or all of the above activities, you might "choose" to perform them despite your dislike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Do you or do you not think sex is more important than TV the night before a 10 day business trip?"

It's certainly not good for a relationship (marriage or otherwise) for partners to be sexually on different pages. It's the kiss of death for some relationships.

HOWEVER.

Anyone has the right to not have sex if they don't want to. Their reasons are their own and it is really not okay to say, well, this reason is legitimate but that one isn't. I understand that sex is important, but all this talk of "denying" sex makes it sound like sex is something one partner gives to another, rather than something that two willing adults do TOGETHER.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. The needs of both partners need to be considered. It sounds like this lady was not considering her husband's needs, but many of the posters on this thread are not considering her needs, or are saying that her reasons for not wanting to have sex are not valid. Marriage doesn't mean ownership over a person's body. Any person, male or female.

Okay then. My husband can deny me sex for whatever reason and also get into it halfheartedly. If done consistently, the laws of natural consequences take over, and I end up finding someone else who's equally hot for me and sex as I am for him and it.

So what you are saying is that if your husband does not have sex with you when and how you want him to, you will cheat on him? Either you are committed to the person you married FOR BETTER OR WORSE or you are not.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

If I was in your situation, with your mentality, I would do one of two things:

1. Get divorced.
2. Speak to your husband about pursuing an open marriage. Your needs are not being met. You deserve to have your needs met in a way that doesn't result in his needs not being met (where the need to not have sex as often as you want to have sex is a valid need).

If he will not agree to #2 or it's not something that interests you, move straight to #1. Seriously.

Nope. The marriage is worth keeping otherwise, and we are in the middle of raising three teenagers.

Either sexual fulfillment is something that is important enough to end your marriage over, or it's not.

Don't get me wrong. I think that people should work out their sexual issues and figure out a way to be compatible. It makes me sad when people are unwilling to do that. I worked mine out, and it didn't fix our marriage, which ended. I learned a lot in the process. But my overall point was that being married to someone doesn't mean they "owe" you sex. They still get to have autonomy over their own bodies. The notion that once you're married, sex is a given whenever someone wants it is why for a very long time, many states didn't consider it illegal for a man to rape his wife. Sexual relations are part of the marriage vows, so obviously, that means you can't say no.

The continued qualifying of what reasons for not wanting to have sex are acceptable and what reasons are invalid really just reinforces the idea that sex is an obligation owed by one partner to another, and that that need is more important than other needs.

You are absolutely correct. No one should be forced to have sex or bring home a paycheck or do the laundry or cook dinner or change the oil in the cars. You are absolutely within your rights as an individual to refuse to do any or all of the above. But those choices come with consequences, and depending on how highly your partner values the activity you choose not to participate in, you will find yourself alone

So if you value your relationship more highly than your dislike of any or all of the above activities, you might "choose" to perform them despite your dislike.

Smart response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Do you or do you not think sex is more important than TV the night before a 10 day business trip?"

It's certainly not good for a relationship (marriage or otherwise) for partners to be sexually on different pages. It's the kiss of death for some relationships.

HOWEVER.

Anyone has the right to not have sex if they don't want to. Their reasons are their own and it is really not okay to say, well, this reason is legitimate but that one isn't. I understand that sex is important, but all this talk of "denying" sex makes it sound like sex is something one partner gives to another, rather than something that two willing adults do TOGETHER.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. The needs of both partners need to be considered. It sounds like this lady was not considering her husband's needs, but many of the posters on this thread are not considering her needs, or are saying that her reasons for not wanting to have sex are not valid. Marriage doesn't mean ownership over a person's body. Any person, male or female.

Okay then. My husband can deny me sex for whatever reason and also get into it halfheartedly. If done consistently, the laws of natural consequences take over, and I end up finding someone else who's equally hot for me and sex as I am for him and it.

So what you are saying is that if your husband does not have sex with you when and how you want him to, you will cheat on him? Either you are committed to the person you married FOR BETTER OR WORSE or you are not.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

If I was in your situation, with your mentality, I would do one of two things:

1. Get divorced.
2. Speak to your husband about pursuing an open marriage. Your needs are not being met. You deserve to have your needs met in a way that doesn't result in his needs not being met (where the need to not have sex as often as you want to have sex is a valid need).

If he will not agree to #2 or it's not something that interests you, move straight to #1. Seriously.

Nope. The marriage is worth keeping otherwise, and we are in the middle of raising three teenagers.

Either sexual fulfillment is something that is important enough to end your marriage over, or it's not.

Don't get me wrong. I think that people should work out their sexual issues and figure out a way to be compatible. It makes me sad when people are unwilling to do that. I worked mine out, and it didn't fix our marriage, which ended. I learned a lot in the process. But my overall point was that being married to someone doesn't mean they "owe" you sex. They still get to have autonomy over their own bodies. The notion that once you're married, sex is a given whenever someone wants it is why for a very long time, many states didn't consider it illegal for a man to rape his wife. Sexual relations are part of the marriage vows, so obviously, that means you can't say no.

The continued qualifying of what reasons for not wanting to have sex are acceptable and what reasons are invalid really just reinforces the idea that sex is an obligation owed by one partner to another, and that that need is more important than other needs.

You are absolutely correct. No one should be forced to have sex or bring home a paycheck or do the laundry or cook dinner or change the oil in the cars. You are absolutely within your rights as an individual to refuse to do any or all of the above. But those choices come with consequences, and depending on how highly your partner values the activity you choose not to participate in, you will find yourself alone

So if you value your relationship more highly than your dislike of any or all of the above activities, you might "choose" to perform them despite your dislike.

Smart response.

Yes, well said. Put out, or get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little off topic but for you high drive DWs with husbands who are "low drive" how often are they jerking off and or watching porn? If they are doing either and aren't willing to step up and help you get yours they need to back off or give up the extracurriculars. I just can't believe any male is going a week or more without ejaculating in some fashion.

I am mid 40s now and hd but I have had a couple of close calls w performance issues with the DW in the evening after jerking off in the am esp if we try to go more than once. Used to go 4 or 5 times a day no prob lol but now if I think the DW is going to be down I will hold off for her.

Too funny, I am married to a low drive DW, and I jerk off all the time so I take pressure off her. She seems to pick that time once a week to have sex right after I pulled the goalie and have no interest. I would gladly hold off on the masturbation if she would be interested in more frequent sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A little off topic but for you high drive DWs with husbands who are "low drive" how often are they jerking off and or watching porn? If they are doing either and aren't willing to step up and help you get yours they need to back off or give up the extracurriculars. I just can't believe any male is going a week or more without ejaculating in some fashion.

I am mid 40s now and hd but I have had a couple of close calls w performance issues with the DW in the evening after jerking off in the am esp if we try to go more than once. Used to go 4 or 5 times a day no prob lol but now if I think the DW is going to be down I will hold off for her.

Too funny, I am married to a low drive DW, and I jerk off all the time so I take pressure off her. She seems to pick that time once a week to have sex right after I pulled the goalie and have no interest. I would gladly hold off on the masturbation if she would be interested in more frequent sex.

Oh, yeah, that's the worst. She shows her once or twice a month interest right after I've jerked off. Then I get all in my head, hold off on masturbating so I'll be good to go, try to initiate and get rejected. Instead of following up the rejection by telling her I'm going to go watch porn and masturbate (you know, "communicating"), I usually just end up being resentful in bed next to her. And if being resentful keeps me awake after she falls asleep, sometimes, I'll sneak off to the bathroom and masturbate. I'm a sad little man.

[Anonymous]

These problems are generally not fixable in my experience. Spreadsheet guy is still young and needs to next her and move on. Once you are in your mid 40s or so, you are probably just stuck when this happens, as it so often seems to. It seems odd to me that so many low drive partners not only want to stop having sex, but want to force their partner to as well. If you have come to hate sex, why enforce monogamy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These problems are generally not fixable in my experience. Spreadsheet guy is still young and needs to next her and move on. Once you are in your mid 40s or so, you are probably just stuck when this happens, as it so often seems to. It seems odd to me that so many low drive partners not only want to stop having sex, but want to force their partner to as well. If you have come to hate sex, why enforce monogamy?

Because the low drive partner wants their exclusive affection and, often, resources even if they don't want sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are absolutely correct. No one should be forced to have sex or bring home a paycheck or do the laundry or cook dinner or change the oil in the cars. You are absolutely within your rights as an individual to refuse to do any or all of the above. But those choices come with consequences, and depending on how highly your partner values the activity you choose not to participate in, you will find yourself alone

So if you value your relationship more highly than your dislike of any or all of the above activities, you might "choose" to perform them despite your dislike.

+1