Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

She needs to be up in boston going to school!

What is wrong with her parents??

Could you get the parents to take her back for the school year, then say she can stay with you over the summer and help with the kids? Does she have friends she can stay with in boston till school is out?

[Anonymous]

"Thirdly, Bro & SIL are not waivering on their feelings. They have refused to speak with Niece, blocked her on FB, closed her phone acct."

Jesus must be delighted..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, she can find the boy on facebook I bet. She can still sue for support.

What her parents are doing is illegal and reprehensible.

Maybe she can find an open adoption couple. Or do you have any close friends or family who want a baby? Who would let her continue to be in the kid's life in an "aunt"role?

Define wild. I'm not sure we can trust her messed up parents' definition.

Is she pleasant to be around, or annoying and abrasive? Does she get ok grades? Does she do drugs or drink heavily?

She doesn't even know the boy's last name. She also doesn't know the last name of the girl who brought him. We have talked with her about open adoption, and she is adamant she does not want to give her baby to anyone else.

I can't define wild because while I don't know that I can believe what my brother says I also don't know that I can believe my niece when she claims she stopped smoking weed and smoking/drinking when she thought she might be pregnant. She is sullen and cries a lot and talks about missing her friends, her pets, her sister, school, etc. I know in 8th grade she was on high honor roll and my brother said now she's failing all her classes though Niece says she's got mostly C's and D's, couple of B's. The first full day she was here I think she was trying to pull some shit by using the pregnancy card and we had a very firm talk about how pregnancy does NOT equal too sick to act like a person living a full life. It's better since then, aside from her trying to pull the same crap with DH until she realized he was on board with me, and now she pulls her weight though with a bit of grumbling (which we ignore to her face).

the PP who posted earlier with armchair psychology.

I could be totally off base here, but this is a screaming red flag to me that *something* happened to your niece around that point. For example I believe this is a pretty classic psychological response to sexual abuse or assault. Lots of other explanations, of course, but combine that with pregnancy, and your niece really would benefit from professional counseling.

Best of luck to all of you OP.

A sudden drop in grades is a red flag that a child is suffering from a condition called "adolescence".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seeing as she has been living at home while pregnant for the first 19 weeks pregnant, what changed?

Why did they kick her out now?

She was hiding it from them.

[Anonymous]

"Secondly, Niece lied/misspoke/whatever. The boyfriend is not a boyfriend. He is a boy she met at a party and hooked up with. She does not know his last name. Some girl she barely knows met him at the mall and invited him to a huge house party Niece attended, where she met him. "

Sounds fishy. A sorry that keeps changing is always a Red Flag!

Can't someone go to the "huge house" and investigate further?

[Anonymous]

Watch Philomena.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Secondly, Niece lied/misspoke/whatever. The boyfriend is not a boyfriend. He is a boy she met at a party and hooked up with. She does not know his last name. Some girl she barely knows met him at the mall and invited him to a huge house party Niece attended, where she met him. "

Sounds fishy. A sorry that keeps changing is always a Red Flag!

Can't someone go to the "huge house" and investigate further?

She could want to protect him or perhaps it is someone who could be prosecuted for child rape and she is scared. Let it ride for now. Once she has trust, hopefully she will start to talk.

[Anonymous]

Are you getting some kind of professional help? Does Planned Parenthood have low cost therapists she can talk to? What about insurance coverage and prenatal care? Any local non-profits that help teen moms?

There are folks who deal with these situations every day, and you need their help, OP.

I'd also call your own parents if they're still living and your brother's pastor…see if someone can talk sense into your niece's parents.

[Anonymous]

Right, but why should OP's kids suffer because their cousin is irresponsible? Also, it is illegal in some states for opposite sex children to share a bedroom.

I remember this coming up when DCUM was just a list serve and had no forums. I laid this falsehood to rest then and I'll lay it to rest now. There is no law in any of the 50 states (and DC) that prohibit different sex siblings from sharing a room. There are only CPS regulations that prohibit non-relatives, over a certain age, in foster care from sharing a room. I don't know what trauma you experienced in your past that compels you to spout this opinion but it is completely untrue.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you and your DH, OP. What a stressful time you're going through. You're doing a great job.

I do hope you continue to take a tough love stance with your niece. If she truly intends to keep this baby, she (not you) is going to have to have a plan. She needs to start putting that plan together now. She's going to have to start facing some stark truths and she needs to start experiencing some of them now. I do want to echo something a PP mentioned about her keeping the baby because she wants something of her own to love. Some years ago, I'd read a study on teen pregnancy. The researchers discovered the teens knew about contraception but wanted something of their own. The study highlighted the importance of addressing the emotional needs of teens and not just their education about contraception. Given your nieces situation, I think it's probable that she's looking to shower her child with the love, understanding and acceptance she did not receive from her parents. I hope she can recognize she needs to be doing what's best for the baby and not her. Good luck - this is one of those threads I'll be wondering about for the next 9 months......I hope you keep us updated.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the person who lived with a relative when pregnant.

I slept on a pull out coach. I was asleep when they left for work. I was to have the room straightened up when they returned. I went to bed after they went to bed.

I did not need a bedroom. I had 5 pairs of sweats, 5 shorts, 5 tshirts, 2 sweatshirts (socks/shoes/underwear).

I think this was important. I was not going to get maternity clothes, this was not something to be celebrated.

I was not asked to be a maid or care for their kids. (I was dealing with an adoption agency and this was part of their advice.)

Also, I never, ever, ever gave up the name of the father. I did not want him involved. That could be like poking at a hornets' nest. Don't do it. Then his parents are involved. This is already a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with a bit of an update.

Firstly, my kids DO share a bedroom already. The third bedroom is used as DH's home office which he uses regularly.

Secondly, Niece lied/misspoke/whatever. The boyfriend is not a boyfriend. He is a boy she met at a party and hooked up with. She does not know his last name. Some girl she barely knows met him at the mall and invited him to a huge house party Niece attended, where she met him.

Thirdly, Bro & SIL are not waivering on their feelings. They have refused to speak with Niece, blocked her on FB, closed her phone acct., etc. DH and I spoke with a lawyer who basically said we can force them to take her back but it will not go well for her. Based on what we told him about Bro & SIL, they will not treat her decently, they will not take her to doctor's appts, they will make life miserable for her and he foresees her running away multiple times.

So she can go through all that and THEN wind up in foster care or a group home for teen mothers or we can work out a way for her to stay with us.

Fourthly she is 19 weeks pregnant. She remains firm she wants to keep the baby. I feel like we've made very little progress towards solutions.

You are doing an amazing job. I mean, holy crap, this is nothing to sneeze at. It's also a huge financial burden. Did the lawyer mention anything about suing the parents for child support? If you're going to take this on, it shouldn't be on your dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the person who lived with a relative when pregnant.

I slept on a pull out coach. I was asleep when they left for work. I was to have the room straightened up when they returned. I went to bed after they went to bed.

I did not need a bedroom. I had 5 pairs of sweats, 5 shorts, 5 tshirts, 2 sweatshirts (socks/shoes/underwear).

I think this was important. I was not going to get maternity clothes, this was not something to be celebrated.

I was not asked to be a maid or care for their kids. (I was dealing with an adoption agency and this was part of their advice.)

Also, I never, ever, ever gave up the name of the father. I did not want him involved. That could be like poking at a hornets' nest. Don't do it. Then his parents are involved. This is already a nightmare.

I agree not to get the dad involved! That baby needs a stable home and adoption is the way to go here.

[Anonymous]

Has she seen the childbirth video? I taught several years ago and had a pregnant high schooler in my class. The guidance counselor told me AFTER she was pregnant, she saw the video and nearly had a nervous breakdown because she had NO idea that was what childbirth was like. (It was a standard vaginal birth video they show in school.

Your niece sounds like she expects YOU and DH to do all the work while she sits back and plays with her new doll, I mean baby.

I wanted and love my kids, but they are frustrating as heck! No way is she prepared for the challenges of raising a child. Good Luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I would get her a copy of What to Expect when you're expecting (THE BOOK, not the movie).

And see if you can get some parenting tips book. Something that deals with the reality of having a child. (Diapers, feeding etc.)