I'm the step mom--do I get a vote?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here - sorry about your childhood but what does this have to with OP?

It is pertinent because I was once that lost daughter, scarred by my parents' divorce, and struggling emotionally and academically through my high school years. I believe that OP should be asking her herself not "why should I send my step daughter to the good college", but instead be asking herself, "how can I possibly help my stepdaughter navigate these emotional and academic difficulties, so that she can turn her life around, succeed at school, get into that good college, and thrive there?". That is what a good mother would do. I know because my mother and my teachers did that for me.

But you forget the two most important things.

A) 4 year colleges are not for everyone

B) Degrees from expensive, no name colleges do not necessarily translate into the end goal, a productive job.

And you keep ignoring that UMBC or JMU or jr college-to-university may be hell-on-earth for a kid like this to try to navigate -- almost guaranteeing her failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:29: I think you are very wrong as a matter of fact. Have you ever read "Forty Colleges That Change Lives" or similar testimonials? U Chicago is not a good fit for every single kid. Sometimes a McDaniel or Eckerd or similar school is the answer to help a young adult navigate young adulthood. Even if my kid could get into Chicago or Duke or similar, I don't see her surviving a hyper-competitive pick-a-number style college. The best college starts with one that the kid will graduate from.

That is a very expensive experiment for a child who is just floating along or treading water academically.

There are many valuable post-high school opportunities that do not involve $40K+/year, which have far better results and which aren't just throwing money away should the child fail.

OP, decide what your college budget is (the fairest thing is the tuition amount that you are currently paying for her older brother). Tell her you and your husband will contribute that much, provided she maintains at least a 3.0 or a 3.25 for her remaining school career. Give her a clean slate from this point on.

Anything above that amount, she or her mother pay for it.

If she does not maintain whatever GPA you agree upon, she goes to community college, trade school, or the military.

Keep it simple and don't overthink it.

Treat her as you would your own children, which I would bet is to hold them accountable for bad choices and help them find a way to be successful through their own hard work and merit.

[Anonymous]

I posted at 16:19 -- the list of "Colleges that Change Lives" has been updated. The website is: www.ctcl.org.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here - sorry about your childhood but what does this have to with OP?

It is pertinent because I was once that lost daughter, scarred by my parents' divorce, and struggling emotionally and academically through my high school years. I believe that OP should be asking her herself not "why should I send my step daughter to the good college", but instead be asking herself, "how can I possibly help my stepdaughter navigate these emotional and academic difficulties, so that she can turn her life around, succeed at school, get into that good college, and thrive there?". That is what a good mother would do. I know because my mother and my teachers did that for me.

A cute story but I don't think it applies as much here. I do university admissions consulting (I.e. People pay me to help them get in to top programs), and Uchicago is a metric light year and a half of a better program than the schools this girl is likely competitive for. Scraping by with Cs is very different than a B-average in a sea of otherwise (presumably) higher grades. Especially when the grade slip can be explained by an extenuating circumstance. Setting aside whether OP has a vote or not - they need to take a realistic view of the girls admissions odds and genuinely assess the options. Chicago, or any school like it, isn't in their Venn diagram I'm afraid.

I'm surprised as a college admissions counselor you don't have more to say regarding the CC v small private school option for this type of kid or that you don't mention a few "no name" colleges that actually may benefit this profile kid.

Happy to, but 1) the OPs question seemed much more focused on her right to vote than on which school to pick. 2) There isn't anywhere near enough info here to make an informed recommendation other than to speak in genericized terms about CC vs small private. Even then, absent any data about what the student has done well in (smaller classes vs larger, certain topics, etc) and what she enjoys or dislikes id pretty much be shooting from the hip. Doesn't feel right to so that, both ethically and practically (parents tend to oversteer on app advice, so you want to watch your words a bit). Not trying to be a dick about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may have to talk to your husband about this, but I would have him tell her the same thing we told my daughter. She is looking for a private college because she feels community college is beneath her, yet she couldn't be bothered to pull her weight in high school. She needs to EARN the right to go to obne of those schools and to prove that she can buckle down. A couple of semesters at a CC will help prepare her for that. He she feels it is eneath her, than she should have studied more, or pay her own way.

DING!
DING!
DING!
Stepkid has nothing to do with this, I would tell this to my bio-kid or my stepkid(and i have both)
You earn it or pay for it -- your choice!

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could offer a lump sum of money that she has to spread over 4 years, and that might help her make her decision. So if you're only offering $100K, she could do 2 years at CC and then blow the rest at an expensive private college. Or she could go to a state school or whatever for 4 years.

I had a 4.3 GPA - straight A's from 6th grade through graduation - and my parents didn't have any money for me, so I had to limit myself to either schools that would give me scholarships or our local state school. I went for the scholarship and had to work my ass off to earn it and keep it. I don't really get a C student thinking she's better than anything - that's really unimpressive, and colleges may or may not let her in at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may have to talk to your husband about this, but I would have him tell her the same thing we told my daughter. She is looking for a private college because she feels community college is beneath her, yet she couldn't be bothered to pull her weight in high school. She needs to EARN the right to go to obne of those schools and to prove that she can buckle down. A couple of semesters at a CC will help prepare her for that. He she feels it is eneath her, than she should have studied more, or pay her own way.

DING!
DING!
DING!
Stepkid has nothing to do with this, I would tell this to my bio-kid or my stepkid(and i have both)
You earn it or pay for it -- your choice!

Completely agree. I think there comes a point where parents pour so much money into second rate schools for an underperformer -in most cases, you are doing the kid no favors. It's helicopter parenting, and starting down that road is a great way to end up with a child who always needs coddling. At 18, you are old enough to have skin in the game and to understand that performance counts. Overcoming challenges teaches your kid resilience. Making everything easy for them (and at your expense) does not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think that many posters have been very hard on both you and your dear stepdaughter. At only sixteen years of age, and with a diagnosed learning disability like ADHD, your dear stepdaughter is too young for you and your dear husband (her father) to give up on her potential. And at sixteen, she most definitely still needs both of you to help and guide her. I am discouraged by the previous posters who have told you to give your dear stepdaughter ultimatums, or to give up on her if she cannot attend a college at least as good as the University of Chicago.

I can tell that you would really like to help your dear stepdaughter, and though I wish that you and your dear husband had stepped in to help her when she earned her first C in 9th grade, it is still not too late. Here is a constructive, positive plan for you based on what my husband and I did for our own dear daughter, who also has ADHD.

The first step is to talk to your dear stepdaughter. You and your dear husband should tell her honestly that her grades are not what you expect of her, and do not reflect her intelligence or ability. Tell her that you will expect her to put forth more effort and hard work, and to earn better grades (B target), but you will also work to better support her academically and emotionally.

The second step is to schedule a meeting with all of her teachers immediately. Discuss with her teachers and counselors your dear daughter's ADHD, inquire as to her specific issues in each class, and ask them to help you come up with a learning plan for her. Also ask if they would each be willing to schedule some time to meet with her on a weekly basis to help her. Perhaps she is eligible for some tutoring or special services from the school.

The next step is to obtain a tutor(s) for your dear stepdaughter in those subjects which are giving her the most trouble. She needs to work on getting her grades up, and a tutor can greatly assist someone who falls behind or does not fully understand what they are taught in school.

Also, get your dear stepdaughter to meet with a psychologist or therapist once a week. Emotional issues often go hand-in-hand with academic ones, and she might benefit from having someone to work on her emotional issues with her.

OP, please try these suggestions, and then have your dear husband work with his dear daughter to set specific goals for next semester (B in English), and to monitor her progress on a weekly basis. Sometimes a child tries harder when they know the parents care about the outcome.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that many posters have been very hard on both you and your dear stepdaughter. At only sixteen years of age, and with a diagnosed learning disability like ADHD, your dear stepdaughter is too young for you and your dear husband (her father) to give up on her potential. And at sixteen, she most definitely still needs both of you to help and guide her. I am discouraged by the previous posters who have told you to give your dear stepdaughter ultimatums, or to give up on her if she cannot attend a college at least as good as the University of Chicago.

I can tell that you would really like to help your dear stepdaughter, and though I wish that you and your dear husband had stepped in to help her when she earned her first C in 9th grade, it is still not too late. Here is a constructive, positive plan for you based on what my husband and I did for our own dear daughter, who also has ADHD.

The first step is to talk to your dear stepdaughter. You and your dear husband should tell her honestly that her grades are not what you expect of her, and do not reflect her intelligence or ability. Tell her that you will expect her to put forth more effort and hard work, and to earn better grades (B target), but you will also work to better support her academically and emotionally.

The second step is to schedule a meeting with all of her teachers immediately. Discuss with her teachers and counselors your dear daughter's ADHD, inquire as to her specific issues in each class, and ask them to help you come up with a learning plan for her. Also ask if they would each be willing to schedule some time to meet with her on a weekly basis to help her. Perhaps she is eligible for some tutoring or special services from the school.

The next step is to obtain a tutor(s) for your dear stepdaughter in those subjects which are giving her the most trouble. She needs to work on getting her grades up, and a tutor can greatly assist someone who falls behind or does not fully understand what they are taught in school.

Also, get your dear stepdaughter to meet with a psychologist or therapist once a week. Emotional issues often go hand-in-hand with academic ones, and she might benefit from having someone to work on her emotional issues with her.

OP, please try these suggestions, and then have your dear husband work with his dear daughter to set specific goals for next semester (B in English), and to monitor her progress on a weekly basis. Sometimes a child tries harder when they know the parents care about the outcome.

Good luck.

This is fine and dandy, but in the meantime do not plan to dump a bunch of money into an expensive school which she has not earned and has not proven she has the motivation, dedication or ability to succeed in. You are going to be doing her a disservice by saying yes to something that should be either a no, or a not that/not right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think that many posters have been very hard on both you and your dear stepdaughter. At only sixteen years of age, and with a diagnosed learning disability like ADHD, your dear stepdaughter is too young for you and your dear husband (her father) to give up on her potential. And at sixteen, she most definitely still needs both of you to help and guide her. I am discouraged by the previous posters who have told you to give your dear stepdaughter ultimatums, or to give up on her if she cannot attend a college at least as good as the University of Chicago.

I can tell that you would really like to help your dear stepdaughter, and though I wish that you and your dear husband had stepped in to help her when she earned her first C in 9th grade, it is still not too late. Here is a constructive, positive plan for you based on what my husband and I did for our own dear daughter, who also has ADHD.

The first step is to talk to your dear stepdaughter. You and your dear husband should tell her honestly that her grades are not what you expect of her, and do not reflect her intelligence or ability. Tell her that you will expect her to put forth more effort and hard work, and to earn better grades (B target), but you will also work to better support her academically and emotionally.

The second step is to schedule a meeting with all of her teachers immediately. Discuss with her teachers and counselors your dear daughter's ADHD, inquire as to her specific issues in each class, and ask them to help you come up with a learning plan for her. Also ask if they would each be willing to schedule some time to meet with her on a weekly basis to help her. Perhaps she is eligible for some tutoring or special services from the school.

The next step is to obtain a tutor(s) for your dear stepdaughter in those subjects which are giving her the most trouble. She needs to work on getting her grades up, and a tutor can greatly assist someone who falls behind or does not fully understand what they are taught in school.

Also, get your dear stepdaughter to meet with a psychologist or therapist once a week. Emotional issues often go hand-in-hand with academic ones, and she might benefit from having someone to work on her emotional issues with her.

OP, please try these suggestions, and then have your dear husband work with his dear daughter to set specific goals for next semester (B in English), and to monitor her progress on a weekly basis. Sometimes a child tries harder when they know the parents care about the outcome.

Good luck.

This is fine and dandy, but in the meantime do not plan to dump a bunch of money into an expensive school which she has not earned and has not proven she has the motivation, dedication or ability to succeed in. You are going to be doing her a disservice by saying yes to something that should be either a no, or a not that/not right now.

OP, your stepdaughter is a 16 year old in only her first semester of her 11th grade year. She still has two semesters to improve her grades and her trajectory before she applies to colleges next year. Do not make a firm statement closing off any opportunities at this time, as that may cause her further discouragement and a reinforce her opinion that "I cannot do better, this is who I am." Rather, you should use this 11th grade year to take a positive, helpful approach geared to helping her improve her grades as suggested above. You can cross the bridge of where she can or cannot apply to college when next fall comes around.

[Anonymous]

Community college isn't a death sentance people. I went, finished a four year degree and eventually got a full scholarship to a top law school. I think get the girl tutors and maybe conseling but set limits. I would not pay for private and living on a campus for this grades.

[Anonymous]

No WAY would I ever marry a man who was supporting a SAHM wife, especially one of school-ged children. I'm sorry OP; you sound like a good person, but if you're contributing, you should get a say.

[Anonymous]

I do think you get a say. If it was your biological child, you certainly would get a say in how much money was spent on her tuition. It is your money. You and your hubby together should decide how much you're willing to spend. The minimum should be the amount you were spending on her older brother or the amount it would cost to go to the state school. If the stepdaughter or ex-wife want to spend more, they can take out loans or ex-wife can get a job during the day while her kids are at school.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a visceral dislike for the much-younger baby-having second wife of an old guy who has older teenagers. We all know variations of that story and usually the players are far from sympathetic.

That said, OP, if DH needs your income to help cover the college costs, you absolutely should have a say. Decide what you are willing to pay and under what circumstances and let your stepdaughter and her mom know so there are no ugly surprises later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, also, because it is so early in junior year, can DH make an impression on her that it's really important to pick up her grades this year, right now? Junior year grades are probably more important that any other year -- if she has an upswing in grades. Also maybe look at GPA requirements for some state schools, visit a few. Pay for an SAT or ACT prep class. Get her interested in the process. I can't tell from your post if 2.7 is all she is capable of if she's under performing.

I don't know how to answer that. She's always been a C student. She goes to a private hs (not locally) and they bend over backwards to make sure she passes. DH put our home phone down as her contact info. I get the calls that say she has not turned in X,Y,Z assignments, failed a test, did not participate, etc. And then the school provides opportunities for her to pull up her grade. Every single semester, this happens. She is in danger of failing but if she turns in A B C, then she will pass. I know her mother works with her and tries to give her the leeway to take responsibility for her academic career, but so far, it has not gone well.

I reread the OP, and then I reread this follow up from the OP. I do not blame OP for not wanting to spent $40-50k a year for this student to go to a school with a reputation for accepting underachieving slackers. Later, the OP mentioned that her SD has ADHD. It sounds like perhaps she is not getting the educational support that she needs, including study skills, actual guidance counseling, any sort of accountability for her failure to perform academically. I do not think it is unreasonable to say something along the lines of "SD, we would love to pay for you to go to college, but we have received X, Y and Z phone call stating that you failed to turn in homework, that you failed a test, that you are not participating in class, etc. We are happy to help fund your education, but we are not willing to spend $200,000 so that you can continue to not complete your assignments and fail your tests."

Because given what the OP has said, that's exactly what will happen. I do think that this is something that needs to be discussed between OP and her husband and then between her husband and his ex-wife, but I think that OP's opinion is both valid and also correct.