Split check on first date...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you offer to split if you didn't want to split? Today, there's no real dating rules as there used to be. You ask him to split, and then you expect him to read your mind to know that you didn't actually want to split the bill. And now you're criticizing him for behaving inappropriately.

You sound like a lot of my friends who can't figure out why they don't have a husband. Mind games.

This was my first thought too. OP, this is what's wrong with dating. Don't play games. If you don't want to pay or don't think you should pay (I have issues with that, but whatever, not the focus here), don't OFFER to pay. I can't understand why in the hell you would offer when you had no intention of actually paying and are now pissed off that you had to pay.

I agree with these 2 PP's. He took what you offered on face value OP. So you want to tag him with a red flag, yet you were dishonest and disingenuois in your offer. You get a red flag too.

I am a woman but I grew up with 5 brothers so I have seen the dating ritual from both sides. A lot of women develop all these standards, games and rituals regarding dating and then wonder why they keep attracting losers. Honestly, men are not that complicated and most do not even know that they are supposed to be participating in this ritualistic dance. They are just trying to get to know you better, get laid or both. They are not evaluating you as a life partner on the first date.

Oh and with my DH, I asked him out first and I paid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you offer to split if you didn't want to split? Today, there's no real dating rules as there used to be. You ask him to split, and then you expect him to read your mind to know that you didn't actually want to split the bill. And now you're criticizing him for behaving inappropriately.

You sound like a lot of my friends who can't figure out why they don't have a husband. Mind games.

This was my first thought too. OP, this is what's wrong with dating. Don't play games. If you don't want to pay or don't think you should pay (I have issues with that, but whatever, not the focus here), don't OFFER to pay. I can't understand why in the hell you would offer when you had no intention of actually paying and are now pissed off that you had to pay.

I agree with these 2 PP's. He took what you offered on face value OP. So you want to tag him with a red flag, yet you were dishonest and disingenuois in your offer. You get a red flag too.

I am a woman but I grew up with 5 brothers so I have seen the dating ritual from both sides. A lot of women develop all these standards, games and rituals regarding dating and then wonder why they keep attracting losers. Honestly, men are not that complicated and most do not even know that they are supposed to be participating in this ritualistic dance. They are just trying to get to know you better, get laid or both. They are not evaluating you as a life partner on the first date.

Oh and with my DH, I asked him out first and I paid.

Simple, because if we have anything on the ball, we do not want to BS around. It's too much work for too small a return on investment.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that offering to split the bill is game-playing. Nobody owes you a free meal. I mean, are you going to just stand there and wait for the dude to open the door, or hand him the bill when it arrives at the table? Of course not. But you can still be disappointed when the guy isn't chivalrous if you prefer your man to be that way.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. God thing I'm married.

When I last dated in the mid-90s, no woman ever offered to split the check - for any date. These were progressive, liberal-types, too.

Funny how it has changed. It would be a huge turnoff if a woman offered to pay.

I pretty much paid for everything until we got married and merged our lives and finances.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that offering to split the bill is game-playing. Nobody owes you a free meal. I mean, are you going to just stand there and wait for the dude to open the door, or hand him the bill when it arrives at the table? Of course not. But you can still be disappointed when the guy isn't chivalrous if you prefer your man to be that way.

It's only game playing when like the OP you never have an intention of really splitting the check

[Anonymous]

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that offering to split the bill is game-playing. Nobody owes you a free meal. I mean, are you going to just stand there and wait for the dude to open the door, or hand him the bill when it arrives at the table? Of course not. But you can still be disappointed when the guy isn't chivalrous if you prefer your man to be that way.

It's only game playing when like the OP you never have an intention of really splitting the check

I stand by my point. She said it was a turn-off. I think that's fair. I really can't imagine just sitting back and whistling when the check comes, just waiting for the guy to offer to buy my meal when he'd really rather go dutch. To me, that feels like bad manners because he doesn't owe me a meal. But I DO prefer the guy to pay, just like I want him to open the door for me. It makes me feel special. Manners can be pretty subjective thing, though.

As a guy, would it be a turn-off to you if the girl just sits back and lets you pay without even blinking?

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

It would if she asked me out, she picked the place (esp if it was a expensive resturaunt.), if it's a first date or meeting then I would feel like she was using me as a meal ticket.

I also stand by mine that if OP offered to split - which she admitted she did - then she has no right to be offended if he takes her up on it. Sure most guys would say no it's ok, I've got it. I would and I have. But isn't it also good manners not to offer something that you really don't mean?

[Anonymous]

Frankly, I think this illustrates why first dates from internet sites should not be at an expensive place or involve a full meal. Go for a single drink or coffee. This way it isn't a big deal who pays or whether you split. It's a "date" with a person you have never met in person.

[Anonymous]

A PP here. So after all of these pages, I have concluded that a lot of women, however contemporary they may say they are, still like the old fashioned chivalry of getting treated on the first date. I am a woman who understands the nuances of being female - but do you ladies realize the mixed-message that sends to guys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. So after all of these pages, I have concluded that a lot of women, however contemporary they may say they are, still like the old fashioned chivalry of getting treated on the first date. I am a woman who understands the nuances of being female - but do you ladies realize the mixed-message that sends to guys?[/quote]

This is why men do not want to date. We are so tired of the endless crap that no matter what you have to offer us, it is not worth it. My daughter is a teenager and I really hope that she does not become some kind of urban career woman who goes out on endless Match/eharmony dates where it is just the same nonsense over and over.

[Anonymous]

endless Match/eharmony dates where it is just the same nonsense over and over.

Aww, come on, the whole fun of those kind of sites is that it is new and different nonsense each and every time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. So after all of these pages, I have concluded that a lot of women, however contemporary they may say they are, still like the old fashioned chivalry of getting treated on the first date. I am a woman who understands the nuances of being female - but do you ladies realize the mixed-message that sends to guys?

I don't think it's all *that* confusing. To a lot of women, a first date is a special occassion (like valentine's day or a birthday), and we want the guy to treat it as such. However, I can see the gray area where a blind date or Internet dating is involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. So after all of these pages, I have concluded that a lot of women, however contemporary they may say they are, still like the old fashioned chivalry of getting treated on the first date. I am a woman who understands the nuances of being female - but do you ladies realize the mixed-message that sends to guys?

I don't think it's all *that* confusing. To a lot of women, a first date is a special occassion (like valentine's day or a birthday), and we want the guy to treat it as such. However, I can see the gray area where a blind date or Internet dating is involved.

Is that really true? I thought the point was to have a good conversation and food and decide if you want to learn more about each other.

[Anonymous]

Is that really true? I thought the point was to have a good conversation and food and decide if you want to learn more about each other.

Again, it depends. Assuming you already know the person a bit from school, work, life etc., taking the relationship to a dating level can be a special thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here. God thing I'm married.

When I last dated in the mid-90s, no woman ever offered to split the check - for any date. These were progressive, liberal-types, too.

Funny how it has changed. It would be a huge turnoff if a woman offered to pay.

I pretty much paid for everything until we got married and merged our lives and finances.

Woman here. Thank God I'm married, too. I can't imagine not splitting a check when dating. Why would I expect a guy to pay my way if we're meeting to get to know each other better? I must have been oblivious to all this crap when I was dating back in the late 80s.