Split check on first date...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. So after all of these pages, I have concluded that a lot of women, however contemporary they may say they are, still like the old fashioned chivalry of getting treated on the first date. I am a woman who understands the nuances of being female - but do you ladies realize the mixed-message that sends to guys?

I don't think it's all *that* confusing. To a lot of women, a first date is a special occassion (like valentine's day or a birthday), and we want the guy to treat it as such. However, I can see the gray area where a blind date or Internet dating is involved.

PP here with the 5 brothers. Your post actually illustrates the confusion. It may be true that a first date is "special" to some women (although, as a woman, I have no idea why). But I would be willing to bet you a drink that very few (if any) guys would feel that way about a first date. Most men I know would think it is just two people getting to know each other - not taking something to the "next level."

[Anonymous]

Eh, for a first date, I think it is a nice way for a man to say, "I'm interested in you." Would I rule someone out because they didn't pay if I otherwise liked them? Of course not. My husband paid for our first date (coffee and pastries), I paid for a number of subsequent dates that were more expensive because I made a lot more money at the time. I do think the idea of treating one another back and forth is a nice one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. So after all of these pages, I have concluded that a lot of women, however contemporary they may say they are, still like the old fashioned chivalry of getting treated on the first date. I am a woman who understands the nuances of being female - but do you ladies realize the mixed-message that sends to guys?

So what? We're women, and they can't figure us out anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A PP here. So after all of these pages, I have concluded that a lot of women, however contemporary they may say they are, still like the old fashioned chivalry of getting treated on the first date. I am a woman who understands the nuances of being female - but do you ladies realize the mixed-message that sends to guys?

So what? We're women, and they can't figure us out anyway.

PP here. Good point! I'll shut up now.

[Anonymous]

The man is pursuing the women period. F that up and you f up the balance of the entire relationship.
Broke man on a budget? Don't want to waste money on a maybe gurl? We have free museums and coffe is 2 bucks.

[Anonymous]

Well, that woman and several others. It can get expensive!

[Anonymous]

Stop beating around the bush and face facts:

Men, if you want to improve your odds of getting laid by a woman you are on a date with, you will pay. Period.

If the woman insists on paying, she is less inclined to sleep with you. No woman really wants to pay (not an American).

No one wants to admit to this, and no, dating is not a strictly fee-for-service arrangement, but it's sexier if the guy pays. So pay up. Or don't, and adjust your expectations regarding any future sexual involvement.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm kind of a weird guy because I always pay regardless, even if it's just a female friend. It has nothing to do with getting laid, it's just how I am, partly cultural maybe. Sometimes I go out with my brother and his girlfriend and he always lets her pay her share, but I always cringe. While she's fumbling through her wallet looking for bills and trying to figure out what she owes I always think "just pay for her you useless twat". I have actually paid for her on occasion just to end the misery (for myself). I probably handle it wrong, but I'm not going to change at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

OP, respectfully, I have a slightly different take on this. Maybe, you're looking for too much meaning in the gesture. I think it's something we all do. First dates, especially once one is old enough, are very hard because we are trying to decide everything all at once, and projecting things in the future based on little data. You mention cheap as a huge issue with your ex. Maybe you're hypersensitive to any indication of that, even in the short span of a first date. It's possible that his ex was only interested in him for his money, so he is oversensitive to having to pay for the first date. Who knows? He could be a jerk, or he could be awkward, or he could have an issue. My point is that it is difficult to judge from the first date. If this is the only red flag, maybe go out with him again and give it more time.

I agree with this. Give him a 2nd chance. If it doesn't work out, no harm done. You just enjoyed someone's company for another night and had a nice dinner. If he made me split the check a 2nd time, then I would move on as I agree with another PP who stated that this is the honeymoon stage where he should be doing everything to impress you. The first time might have been the match.com interview, but the 2nd would show his true colors.

[Anonymous]

If he asked to take you out to dinner then that's what it should be, him TAKING you to dinner. That means he pays and you don't offer to split. If you suggested going to dinner then you should offer to pay and he will either say it's on him, (if he really is interested in you), or he will want to split(I think this means he is either strapped for cash or isn't that into you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, we are both old enough, no money issues (he's actually a big law partner) and date was drinks/dinner. There wasn't alot of back and forth, he actually said he preferred to split on first date. I agree it was kind of tacky. It's hard at first because people are sizing eachother up on first dates for red flags. Being cheap is one of the big ones for me as it was a big deal with my ex.

OP, respectfully, I have a slightly different take on this. Maybe, you're looking for too much meaning in the gesture. I think it's something we all do. First dates, especially once one is old enough, are very hard because we are trying to decide everything all at once, and projecting things in the future based on little data. You mention cheap as a huge issue with your ex. Maybe you're hypersensitive to any indication of that, even in the short span of a first date. It's possible that his ex was only interested in him for his money, so he is oversensitive to having to pay for the first date. Who knows? He could be a jerk, or he could be awkward, or he could have an issue. My point is that it is difficult to judge from the first date. If this is the only red flag, maybe go out with him again and give it more time.

I agree with this. Give him a 2nd chance. If it doesn't work out, no harm done. You just enjoyed someone's company for another night and had a nice dinner. If he made me split the check a 2nd time, then I would move on as I agree with another PP who stated that this is the honeymoon stage where he should be doing everything to impress you. The first time might have been the match.com interview, but the 2nd would show his true colors.

I agree with going out with him again if he asks you out. Next time, do not offer to split the check. Just say, "thank you so much for dinner, it was delicious" after he asks for the check at it is brought to your table. If he suggests on his own that you split the check then never go out with him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go with your gut-check. I say Nada, but maybe he just hasn't been trained right.

Did not happen with DH but I can attest to the fact that if he wasn't trained right for something as basic as First Date 101, there are other things that he'll need training for too. Ask yourself if you want to be the teacher for the long haul. In hindsight, I should've run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take it as a sign that he wasn't into me. When I was dating, if I was insisted on paying my way it was because I had no interest in the guy and did not want to lead him on.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should pay unless it was your idea. Then you go dutch.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy paying made more sense when the male was the primary provider.

It still costs more to be a woman and to show up "presentable" on dates. If you want to date someone who spends just as much time and money on grooming as the average Joe, going Dutch is fine.