Split check on first date...

[Anonymous]

Male here. It's hard to know what to do anymore. If you insist on paying, you worry about offending the independent woman. Nothing is cut and dry anymore. We can't help but have a lot of doubt and second guessing in the current age where men have been weakened and women empowered. So give him the benefit of the doubt. I would've insisted on paying, but who knows what was going through his head. As others have said, he is likely kicking himself now for doing it. I've been there before, torturing myself for days over something I should or should not have done. Give him another chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male here. It's hard to know what to do anymore. If you insist on paying, you worry about offending the independent woman. Nothing is cut and dry anymore. We can't help but have a lot of doubt and second guessing in the current age where men have been weakened and women empowered. So give him the benefit of the doubt. I would've insisted on paying, but who knows what was going through his head. As others have said, he is likely kicking himself now for doing it. I've been there before, torturing myself for days over something I should or should not have done. Give him another chance.[/quote

+1

[Anonymous]

If you meet with him a second time, OP, you MUST post back and tell us what happened!

(I don't think splitting the tab should necessarily rule out a second meeting!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if he doesn't ask? It's just awkward. Please don't order for me.

Here, I'll help you out again.

Guy: "I'm ordering us some French fries."
You: "Nah, not a fan. You go ahead, I'm going to order the mozzarella sticks."

Or another version, granted just a tad more complicated.

Guy [on the fly, with no notice]: "We'll have an order of French fries."
You: "Oh, I didn't realize we were ordering. Give me a minute and I'll order too."

Seriously, this is not that hard. You are way over thinking this crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Male here. It's hard to know what to do anymore. If you insist on paying, you worry about offending the independent woman. Nothing is cut and dry anymore. We can't help but have a lot of doubt and second guessing in the current age where men have been weakened and women empowered. So give him the benefit of the doubt. I would've insisted on paying, but who knows what was going through his head. As others have said, he is likely kicking himself now for doing it. I've been there before, torturing myself for days over something I should or should not have done. Give him another chance.

Dude, you are giving women much too much power. Don't you have a say in where a situation goes. As the old saying goes, if you want a woman to act more like a woman, then act more like a man. Men have been weakened? What type of defeatist crap is that?

[Anonymous]

I don't currently, but have, grown all my own food, lived off grid and without electricity, raised slaughtered and preserved my own meat, canned all the food, raised the sheep that provided the wool for my clothing, and built barns and housing. Now I work and earn the money that enables me to purchase most of these things, probably from sweatshops in darkest Africa. I am independent now and was independent then, and I still do not need a man to pay my way. And yes, I had kids. Their dad did what most men do: nothing.

I don't expect a man to pay on the first date because I have no need to be impressed by his earning power and no wish to be obligated.

[Montana]

What are you doing this Friday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't currently, but have, grown all my own food, lived off grid and without electricity, raised slaughtered and preserved my own meat, canned all the food, raised the sheep that provided the wool for my clothing, and built barns and housing. Now I work and earn the money that enables me to purchase most of these things, probably from sweatshops in darkest Africa. I am independent now and was independent then, and I still do not need a man to pay my way. And yes, I had kids. Their dad did what most men do: nothing.

I don't expect a man to pay on the first date because I have no need to be impressed by his earning power and no wish to be obligated.

When I dated, I ALLOWED men to pay, not out of need, but because most men I've met like to do that as a matter of kindness. It's pretty easy to tell if I guy is paying out of kindness, or if he's throwing money around to impress or control you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't currently, but have, grown all my own food, lived off grid and without electricity, raised slaughtered and preserved my own meat, canned all the food, raised the sheep that provided the wool for my clothing, and built barns and housing. Now I work and earn the money that enables me to purchase most of these things, probably from sweatshops in darkest Africa. I am independent now and was independent then, and I still do not need a man to pay my way. And yes, I had kids. Their dad did what most men do: nothing.

I don't expect a man to pay on the first date because I have no need to be impressed by his earning power and no wish to be obligated.

When I dated, I ALLOWED men to pay, not out of need, but because most men I've met like to do that as a matter of kindness. It's pretty easy to tell if I guy is paying out of kindness, or if he's throwing money around to impress or control you.

Can a woman pay out of kindness?

[Anonymous]

A woman can pay out of kindness, but there's a bigger chance it can cause confusion (read the OP of this thread).

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

The only confusion was the op when someone took her up on her offer to split when she never really intended to.

[Anonymous]

ThatSmileyFaceGuy wrote:The only confusion was the op when someone took her up on her offer to split when she never really intended to.

OK but how do you NOT offer? Even if I prefer that the guy pay, I can't really go out and expect someone else is just going to pay for the bill if they don't offer. I mean, if he says "Oh let me get this" I don't offer to split, but usually he says that when he sees me reaching for my wallet.

[Anonymous]

On the first couple of dates, I like when the guy just grabs the bill right away, or hands the wait person his card when the check comes so it's not an issue at all (and then lets me buy ice cream of coffee or drinks or whatever). After that, I think it's appropriate for the woman to take the man out sometimes to balance things out. I find check-splitting on dates not so romantic.

But everyone is different. If the dude is a check-splitter, then he can attract a check-splitting kind of a girl.

[Anonymous]

When I was dating, if a guy asked me out, I preferred him to pay for the first date, I expected him to pay, and I wouldn't offer.
There was only one guy who I had the feeling wanted me to chip in. He took out his money very slowly, and was counting out bills on the table. He didn't ask, but there was no chemistry anyway and we never went out again. Every other guy I've been out with IMMEDIATELY grabs the check as soon as it's put on the table - even first dates where we both knew within minutes there wouldn't be a second date. And I'm not a damsel-in-distress type. I'm a strong, independent woman. I just know when to step back and let a man feel manly. And my DH knows when to step back and let me feel womanly. It's worked for us.

[Cloud]

Anonymous wrote:Did you go back and forth about splitting or did he agree as soon as you said it? I would give him a second chance. I'm a pretty big feminist, but I still would like the guy to offer to pay the bill on the first date (don't care if I do after some back and forth). I could see how it would be confusing for a guy who might be trying not to offend someone.

Agree.

Feminist but somewhat traditional when it comes to that stuff. It helps avoid a lot of confusion to just let the guy pay. But I can see how some guys think this might be offensive to the woman.