Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my DH's EA. Nope, I was not withholding. Our marriage was happy, and HE is the first person to say that. He never felt that he was falling out of love with me. He never thought that he was unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationship. He thought he was giving advice to his "good friend" and helping her make decisions about her life.

Look, all marriages have issues, some major and some minor. My DH's biggest problem was, in the end, alcoholism. He has been sober since shortly after admitting that his relationship had crossed an emotional line.

I have said before and will say it again: unhappy marriages don't cause affairs. But affairs cause unhappy marriages. And many people who cheat do so for selfish reasons, and only start to claim unhappiness in the marriage when they are well on their way to having an affair.

PP here. No offense but those are the statements of a person who would not acknowledge her role in a crumbling marriage even if alcoholism wasn’t a factor! Unhappy marriages do not cause affairs, but it is naïve to think that they are always unrelated. Why else would a lot of people head down that road if everything was right at home? Sure, some folks would cheat anyways, but would people in a truly happy marriage risk it absent addiction or emotional issues? Sure, EVERYONE who cheats does so for selfish reasons and most of the time it is because of a perceived lack of something at home. We can argue about whether that perceived lack is BS justification, but most people who have EA or physical affairs can give you some justification for it. In my case, I saw that, although my DH was dead azz wrong, both of us had contributed to the decline of the marriage.

There are studies that show that this is not true. Men who are happy at home and men who are not happy at home have affairs at the same rate. It is pure statistics. There is no coorelation between being unhappy and having an affair - this is for men only.

PP here. I know what the studies say and I am just not buying. Honestly, I have always thought that those studies were harmful to marriages (I will not get into why here) What the studies imply is that, happy or unhappy in a marriage, most men will have an affair if they have an opportunity. If we believe the statistics, aren't we all screwed (no pun intended)? No matter how hard we work to make are marriage successful, we are all a nice set of willing breasts away from it all going up in smoke. Where is the hope in that? Does not seem to be much incentive in trying to be a good DW. My point is even if a cheater or EA DH says that they are generally "happy" at home, there is a reason that they thought that having an affair was justified. That reason may be total BS to the victim, but there is a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

I am the OP. I have confronted my dh a handful of times since I found out 2 months ago. He insists that they are just friends and I am just jealous; he says he is trying to help her with her failed relationship with her prior boyfriend. He feels sorry for her because she is divorced, lonely, and didn't get a cent from her ex-husband.

There was sexual context in their prior discussion, too. This 2nd time that I read their chat, there was additional content. They discuss her ex-boyfriend and the EA and my dh just added random comments about "giving you a good fuck sometime" and "lick your body".

Every 2-4 days, I am on this emotional roller coaster. I feel fine one day and then the next, I am so teary, like yesterday.

Pp here...yes I read about you seeing the sexual posts. What is your plan? I know its difficult and you are processing this but you gotta get yourself together and figure out what to do. If you dont you will get more depressed and and/ or angry and everything will get out of control.

You also need to bite this in the ass now because it sounds like he might be getting physical with her.

Can you make copies or forward the chats to yourself? When and how do you want to confront him? Have you been able to confide in a friend. I know its hard but you gotta start to think of a plan!

I have a copy of the first chat but not the second. I have confided in a former co-worker whose husband also cheated on her last year.

He says he needs a social life. I said, I'm fine with him having a social life but not with the EA.

Is there a way to forward chats from Skype?

I have no idea. Hopefully someone on here can help if not maybe google it? I really think you should think about your next step. Please do not let this go on much longer. You will only keep hurting yourself. I am so sorry! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my DH's EA. Nope, I was not withholding. Our marriage was happy, and HE is the first person to say that. He never felt that he was falling out of love with me. He never thought that he was unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationship. He thought he was giving advice to his "good friend" and helping her make decisions about her life.

Look, all marriages have issues, some major and some minor. My DH's biggest problem was, in the end, alcoholism. He has been sober since shortly after admitting that his relationship had crossed an emotional line.

I have said before and will say it again: unhappy marriages don't cause affairs. But affairs cause unhappy marriages. And many people who cheat do so for selfish reasons, and only start to claim unhappiness in the marriage when they are well on their way to having an affair.

PP here. No offense but those are the statements of a person who would not acknowledge her role in a crumbling marriage even if alcoholism wasn’t a factor! Unhappy marriages do not cause affairs, but it is naïve to think that they are always unrelated. Why else would a lot of people head down that road if everything was right at home? Sure, some folks would cheat anyways, but would people in a truly happy marriage risk it absent addiction or emotional issues? Sure, EVERYONE who cheats does so for selfish reasons and most of the time it is because of a perceived lack of something at home. We can argue about whether that perceived lack is BS justification, but most people who have EA or physical affairs can give you some justification for it. In my case, I saw that, although my DH was dead azz wrong, both of us had contributed to the decline of the marriage.

There are studies that show that this is not true. Men who are happy at home and men who are not happy at home have affairs at the same rate. It is pure statistics. There is no coorelation between being unhappy and having an affair - this is for men only.

PP here. I know what the studies say and I am just not buying. Honestly, I have always thought that those studies were harmful to marriages (I will not get into why here) What the studies imply is that, happy or unhappy in a marriage, most men will have an affair if they have an opportunity. If we believe the statistics, aren't we all screwed (no pun intended)? No matter how hard we work to make are marriage successful, we are all a nice set of willing breasts away from it all going up in smoke. Where is the hope in that? Does not seem to be much incentive in trying to be a good DW. My point is even if a cheater or EA DH says that they are generally "happy" at home, there is a reason that they thought that having an affair was justified. That reason may be total BS to the victim, but there is a reason.

First, men are not the only ones having an affair, women are too so it's not just a set-of-breasts issue. I don't think the point is that all men cheat. The point is that cheating is a character flaw, and while an unhappy marriage may be the catalyst, the cheater is trying to fill something, and it's not something the spouse necessarily SHOULD be filling.

Also, the cheater's tendency to have affairs may be what is contributing to marriage problems in the first place. For example, I was the cheater and I was an avoider. So I avoided going to my spouse with any problems and instead opted to get close to a person I worked with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my DH's EA. Nope, I was not withholding. Our marriage was happy, and HE is the first person to say that. He never felt that he was falling out of love with me. He never thought that he was unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationship. He thought he was giving advice to his "good friend" and helping her make decisions about her life.

Look, all marriages have issues, some major and some minor. My DH's biggest problem was, in the end, alcoholism. He has been sober since shortly after admitting that his relationship had crossed an emotional line.

I have said before and will say it again: unhappy marriages don't cause affairs. But affairs cause unhappy marriages. And many people who cheat do so for selfish reasons, and only start to claim unhappiness in the marriage when they are well on their way to having an affair.

PP here. No offense but those are the statements of a person who would not acknowledge her role in a crumbling marriage even if alcoholism wasn’t a factor! Unhappy marriages do not cause affairs, but it is naïve to think that they are always unrelated. Why else would a lot of people head down that road if everything was right at home? Sure, some folks would cheat anyways, but would people in a truly happy marriage risk it absent addiction or emotional issues? Sure, EVERYONE who cheats does so for selfish reasons and most of the time it is because of a perceived lack of something at home. We can argue about whether that perceived lack is BS justification, but most people who have EA or physical affairs can give you some justification for it. In my case, I saw that, although my DH was dead azz wrong, both of us had contributed to the decline of the marriage.

There are studies that show that this is not true. Men who are happy at home and men who are not happy at home have affairs at the same rate. It is pure statistics. There is no coorelation between being unhappy and having an affair - this is for men only.

PP here. I know what the studies say and I am just not buying. Honestly, I have always thought that those studies were harmful to marriages (I will not get into why here) What the studies imply is that, happy or unhappy in a marriage, most men will have an affair if they have an opportunity. If we believe the statistics, aren't we all screwed (no pun intended)? No matter how hard we work to make are marriage successful, we are all a nice set of willing breasts away from it all going up in smoke. Where is the hope in that? Does not seem to be much incentive in trying to be a good DW. My point is even if a cheater or EA DH says that they are generally "happy" at home, there is a reason that they thought that having an affair was justified. That reason may be total BS to the victim, but there is a reason.

I am so tired of surveys that say most men will cheat if given the opportunity. We are all individuals. I could go on a business trip, have a woman indicate she is willing, and still not do it because I have too much to lose an an emotional and possibly physical basis. I would be devastated if my wife had an affair and I found out so why should I gamble that the opposite would happen and she would have to deal with that? Also, why would I risk getting a disease and passing it to her? OK so some might say she would never find out? Famous last wiords.

[Anonymous]

I can't deal with quoting so here are my thought about the few previous posts.

I am a good wife because I care about myself, respect myself and want to do the best I can in all aspects of my life. I am not going to try to be a good wife to keep my man. He is either a loving and faithful partner or he isn't and there is nothing in the world I can do to make him better. It is easier if you think of it in terms of alcoholism - alchoholics don't drink because their marriage sucks they drink because they have issues internally that they and only they can address.

I was not saying that only men cheat - I am saying men cheat regardless of their happiness in their marriage. Women on the other hand are a little more complicated and are more likely cheat to get away from their husband. (Which sucks for them since male affair partners flee the scene of the crime much faster than female affair parners)

I did not say all men cheat - 40 percent don't. The stats suck but they are what they are. You have a 60 percent chance that your husband is selfish enough or some what damaged. There are all sort of stats that suck - heart attack, disability, cancer, alcoholism, drug abuse - good luck dodging all those bullets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't deal with quoting so here are my thought about the few previous posts.

I am a good wife because I care about myself, respect myself and want to do the best I can in all aspects of my life. I am not going to try to be a good wife to keep my man. He is either a loving and faithful partner or he isn't and there is nothing in the world I can do to make him better. It is easier if you think of it in terms of alcoholism - alchoholics don't drink because their marriage sucks they drink because they have issues internally that they and only they can address.

I was not saying that only men cheat - I am saying men cheat regardless of their happiness in their marriage. Women on the other hand are a little more complicated and are more likely cheat to get away from their husband. (Which sucks for them since male affair partners flee the scene of the crime much faster than female affair parners)

I did not say all men cheat - 40 percent don't. The stats suck but they are what they are. You have a 60 percent chance that your husband is selfish enough or some what damaged. There are all sort of stats that suck - heart attack, disability, cancer, alcoholism, drug abuse - good luck dodging all those bullets.

I say that 60% is BS, along with the 40% of wives who supposedly cheat. Assuming that in some cases both spouses cheat and in others, only one does, that is telling us that in something like over 70% of marriages, someone will cheat. So if I look out my window, 7 out of 10 houses have a cheater? Most people I know do not even have the freaking time to get a typical day done, let alone find someone to cheat with. And if somehow these statistics are true, the state of marriage is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Yes - the stats are pathetic. You would look at my H and put him in the not a cheater column but guess what he did. Nobody know - it was a private matter.

If you add that to the other misfortunes of life you begin to understand the take it one day at a time way of life.

You take my frieds - late 40s - death, divorce, infadelity, illness, disability - it is very hard being an adult.

[Anonymous]

I had an affair with a married man, and the wife contacted me. I didn't know he was married at first, blah blah blah. The wife actually contacted me because her best friend was paranoid I was having an affair with her boyfriend. (The boyfriend was best friends with the married guy)

Had a long conversation with her and assured her I wasnt sleeping with her best friend's boyfriend. I liked her, we had so much in common. In another life we could have been friends. She NEVER suspected her husband was the one havibg an affair. So I called her back, and told her the truth. Never talked to the married guy again, and gave a statement for her divorce.

[Anonymous]

I recently discovered DH was having an affair. The signs were all there and I chose to ignore them. Of course the OW was a mutual friend also.

Did I contact her! Hell yes. She denied everything but then I sent an email, referencing some FB messages, just to let her know I did indeed have proof. All I said was that i knew what was going on, I had proof, and it was going to end right then and there. Unless she wanted me to tell her husband, whom I work with. I also made sure that I called her while DH was on a plane returning from a business trip so he was not immediately available. Then I blocked her our cells from receiving calls or texts from her number.

Yes, DH and I have our share of problems but walking out on a marriage is not something I plan to do without a fight. The affair was a symptom of a larger problem. I was not good at giving hm the validation he needed as a man and husband. I did withhold affection from him. I did dismiss a lot of what he said. If he did those things to me, I would probably look elsewhere too.

Regardless if the other woman was married or not, I would absolutely contact them. Not to start a fight but to let them know just how fucked up what they did was. If they want to fuck up their own lives, fine, but don't fuck with my family. As a woman, I could never have an affair with a married man. I don't consider myself the police on moral values but that's just wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm an OW. I almost wish she would contact me sometimes so I could apologize. It was an EA yEars in the making. Was friends with the DH first, but I was friends with the family. I didn't really mean for it to escalate to that level and so many people got hurt. We were just stupid and got too close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an OW. I almost wish she would contact me sometimes so I could apologize. It was an EA yEars in the making. Was friends with the DH first, but I was friends with the family. I didn't really mean for it to escalate to that level and so many people got hurt. We were just stupid and got too close.

Being on the other end of this, your apology would mean nothing to me. You knew better, knew it went too far, and did nothing. Innocent peole were hurt for selfish reasons. You didn't do it alone, but honestly, I do hold women to a higher standard when it comes to this because we don't fall in love with our dick, we fall in love with our heart. We are well aware there is huge risk of someone being hurt and know its pretty much inevitable.

Would I work to forgive you? Yes. Would I tell you if I forgave you? No. You're not my priority. I refuse to let anger towards someone who isn't worth my time to consume me any more than absolutely necessary. Forgiving the other person is something I strive towards so I can be at peace with MY life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an OW. I almost wish she would contact me sometimes so I could apologize. It was an EA yEars in the making. Was friends with the DH first, but I was friends with the family. I didn't really mean for it to escalate to that level and so many people got hurt. We were just stupid and got too close.

As someone whose husband had an affair years ago, I have to assure you that your apology would mean nothing. If anything, it would make me think you were even more selfish - that you wanted to release some of your own guilt. Honestly I could give a shit about how sorry you feel. I can't imagine ever allowing this kind of thing to happen and particularly to a couple with whom you are friends. You can go ahead and hold on to that guilt for the rest of your life. Hopefully it has changed your life and your behavior to know how much what you did could have such long-lasting and devastating outcomes. That's what guilt and shame are for - so you learn how to act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an OW. I almost wish she would contact me sometimes so I could apologize. It was an EA yEars in the making. Was friends with the DH first, but I was friends with the family. I didn't really mean for it to escalate to that level and so many people got hurt. We were just stupid and got too close.

I would not want an apology either - but I am 10 years past and if you said something like. I have gotten a lot of counseling and I work every day to be a better person. Since I know you don't care about my apology I just want you to know I have put good back into the world by volunteering 100 hours with the Special Olympics and I am truely sorry.

That would mean something to me.

I have friends that have been OW - I get they have lots of issues that they need to work through. Some have not tried to grow as a person and I do not have a whole lot of respect for them. I have a friend that has turned her life around gives back to the community and recommited to a good life and I have respect for her.

Just my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an OW. I almost wish she would contact me sometimes so I could apologize. It was an EA yEars in the making. Was friends with the DH first, but I was friends with the family. I didn't really mean for it to escalate to that level and so many people got hurt. We were just stupid and got too close.

Being on the other end of this, your apology would mean nothing to me. You knew better, knew it went too far, and did nothing. Innocent peole were hurt for selfish reasons. You didn't do it alone, but honestly, I do hold women to a higher standard when it comes to this because we don't fall in love with our dick, we fall in love with our heart. We are well aware there is huge risk of someone being hurt and know its pretty much inevitable.

Would I work to forgive you? Yes. Would I tell you if I forgave you? No. You're not my priority. I refuse to let anger towards someone who isn't worth my time to consume me any more than absolutely necessary. Forgiving the other person is something I strive towards so I can be at peace with MY life.

If all you wronged wives wouldn't listen to an apology, why would an OW listen to your ranting? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Re: 8:08. Notice how none of the three of us we wouldn't want an apology said anything about wanting to call the OW ourselves. In my case anyway, I just cut her out of my life completely and totally. I wouldn't have considered calling her.