SAHMs - what made you decide to SAH? Question from new SAHM

[Anonymous]

And just want to add, if you think YOUR kids will be better off for staying home or working, that is one thing. But what this poster was saying was that SEVERAL kids she observed were one way, while several others were another, and she attributed it to one thing: whether or not their mom worked or stayed home. And these were school aged kids, not young children. That is not "personal experience" - that is making a sweeping generalization.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you are still reading!! Don't let online drama get you down about SAHMdom. I have been a SAHM for 4 years now and have found that everybody I meet in real life is cool with whatever set-up works for each family. I have friends and neighbors who are SAHM, WOHM, WAHM, part-time, etc. (though to be honest I see the SAHMs the most for playdates, just because our schedules match). It's no biggie.

(I didn't read all the 7 pages of preceding drama, for the record. Who needs the vitriol?)

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I am curious what made other SAHMs decide to stay at home with their child(ren)? What did you hope would come of it? Have things have turned out as you expected? Any advice for a new SAHM?
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I decided to stay home because I was at a decent stopping/turning point in my career, and I wanted to see how I liked staying home. My line has always been, I'll do it as long as it works for me. So far it's been working for me; I'm not going to be a martyr, because I think the most important thing for kids is to have a happy mom -- so if SAH doesn't make you happy, you're not doing your kids a favor. FWIW my mom worked (though with a flexible schedule) and my childhood was totally fine! I don't judge either choice.

I do miss working sometimes, but I feel like I have decades ahead to work, and my kids will only be this little for the blink of an eye, and I want to spend all the time with them that I can. I do enjoy spending time with them (not with all children, mind you!) and doing things they find fun -- museum trips, the park, crunching leaves, taking walks, reading books, dancing around and being silly. I absolutely love answering their questions, like, "what's a shadow" and "where was I before I was born" and "why does rain go down and not up" -- I genuinely enjoy looking at the world through their fresh eyes and thinking about how to explain it to them. Not that WOHparents don't get those questions, to be sure. But that kind of stuff is my full-time gig, all day. I do get frustrated, believe me. I yearn for more private time (my husband's commute sounds so glorious... 40 minutes alone on the Metro twice a day?! I would love it, and I know what I'm talking about -- I used to commute by Metro). He can walk at grownup speed all day and eat lunch when and where and with whom he wants, within some limits obviously, but his white-collar office job is flexible in that respect. My life is VERY circumscribed by the needs and schedule of my kids. I don't always get to choose when I eat, go to the bathroom, relax if I'm feeling exhausted or sick, even run an errand I really need to run, because I have two other little people in the mix, and stuff happens. That gets exhausting and can feel demeaning. But when I think about being apart from them all day, I'd rather do it this way. Works for me.

I would suggest you find mom friends to hang out with. Makes all the difference. A MOMs club, playgroup, moms you meet through little classes you might take with the kids (music, yoga, gymboree, that kind of thing). It's good to have people to have 4pm glass-of-wine playdates with, in my experience. And for me, I have to keep busy. I go nutty if we're sitting at home all day. I try to do fun outings and errands and so on at least once a day.

Have fun and don't worry about the drama out there.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read through but although rewarding and fulfilling, somewhat depressing stay home too. Grant it my kids are toddlers which pushes me to the edge at times but there is only so much housework, house projects, diaper changing, driving around and even "lady" lunches I can do where all women do is talk about other people, television and their kids. I always try to throw something else out there and ask questions about different things to talk about other stuff but then others think I am more interested in a friendship then I actually am. I have no time. I'm just looking for an interesting conversation for that moment and that's it- maybe because I am older too but I am very limited when it comes to give my time out. At the end staying at home if you can do for while they are young is still worth if you can swing it. I left because my job was downsized or else I would have probably stayed at work.

[Anonymous]

Make sure to do something for yourself i.e. working out and/or bookclub.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) To the pseudo-feminist lady...be quiet. Men and women are different- deal with. Did DH give birth? No, he didn't. Should I stab him in the penis with each contraction so we can be "equal", or should I accept that people have different roles?

2) Why are you all ganging up on the teachers? What part of "personal experience" do you not understand? Do you make all of your choices based on scientific data? Or do your personal experiences weigh into your decisions and opinions? I know you are trying to sound intelligent, but you sound stupid because you can't grasp that simple concept.

It's not the "personal experience" part that bothered people. Reread the posts. You mean to tell me that if I said "in my personal experience, the SAHMS I know were all not talented enough to make it in the workforce, and couldn't wait to have kids so they could quit" and that the kids of SAHMs "are clingy and aren't able to socialize as well" you wouldn't comment? Please. There are ways to talk about your "personal experience" without being nasty and having an agenda. And several posters chimed in, not just a few, so clearly what these two said (I still think it's the same person) offended people.

I really don't care if someone stays home or not. I have done both. But to generalize and imply your kids will do better, be more successful, that is going to get people riled up. And it's simple not based in fact.

If someone noticed that a disproportionate number of kids of SAHM's that they came across were clingy and did not socialize well, then yes you bet I could see how that could influence someone's decision to work. Same goes for those who stay-at-home. Some people, such as the previous teachers have seen situations that led them to believe that kids do better having sahm's. That's how things go. Come on, most people have some sort of opinion about whether kids do better with a sah or working mom. Most people are well-mannered enough to keep it to themselves in polite conversation; but this is an anonymous internet thread involving a woman asking sahms their reason for doing so. So don't act shocked that your going to read some things that might burn a little if your a working mom. I would expect that if working moms were asked why they chose not to stay home, some of the reasons would be offensive to stay at home moms. Such is life. If your so easily offended then don't read a thread with a title that is almost 99.9% likely to have some view points your not going to like.

[Anonymous]

If someone posted the question, "What made you decide to Breastfeed". Should people feel that they can only give safe, non-offensive answers, such as "To save money" ?Some people feel that breastfeed babies bond stronger with their mothers (not me, btw). If that's a driving reason for them, should they not be able to say it in such a venue, for fear that they could offend the formula feeding lurkers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) To the pseudo-feminist lady...be quiet. Men and women are different- deal with. Did DH give birth? No, he didn't. Should I stab him in the penis with each contraction so we can be "equal", or should I accept that people have different roles?

2) Why are you all ganging up on the teachers? What part of "personal experience" do you not understand? Do you make all of your choices based on scientific data? Or do your personal experiences weigh into your decisions and opinions? I know you are trying to sound intelligent, but you sound stupid because you can't grasp that simple concept.

It's not the "personal experience" part that bothered people. Reread the posts. You mean to tell me that if I said "in my personal experience, the SAHMS I know were all not talented enough to make it in the workforce, and couldn't wait to have kids so they could quit" and that the kids of SAHMs "are clingy and aren't able to socialize as well" you wouldn't comment? Please. There are ways to talk about your "personal experience" without being nasty and having an agenda. And several posters chimed in, not just a few, so clearly what these two said (I still think it's the same person) offended people.

I really don't care if someone stays home or not. I have done both. But to generalize and imply your kids will do better, be more successful, that is going to get people riled up. And it's simple not based in fact.

If someone noticed that a disproportionate number of kids of SAHM's that they came across were clingy and did not socialize well, then yes you bet I could see how that could influence someone's decision to work. Same goes for those who stay-at-home. Some people, such as the previous teachers have seen situations that led them to believe that kids do better having sahm's. That's how things go. Come on, most people have some sort of opinion about whether kids do better with a sah or working mom. Most people are well-mannered enough to keep it to themselves in polite conversation; but this is an anonymous internet thread involving a woman asking sahms their reason for doing so. So don't act shocked that your going to read some things that might burn a little if your a working mom. I would expect that if working moms were asked why they chose not to stay home, some of the reasons would be offensive to stay at home moms. Such is life. If your so easily offended then don't read a thread with a title that is almost 99.9% likely to have some view points your not going to like.

You are missing the point. It's not the viewpoint I, and apparently several others, don't like. It's the way it was expressed. She did not say, "many of the kids I know seem to do better with a SAHM" - she expressed it like a scientific fact - that in her observations almost all of the kids she taught, and almost all of the schools and preschools she observed, produced kids who didn't do well if their mom worked.

Seriously, why is it so hard to understand why people refute that with actual studies? If you are so bothered with the refutes, maybe you should stop reading the thread. If it's her opinion, fine. Sure, some women and work or stay home based on preference (SOME - the vast majority don't have a choice about either and income dictates one way or the other), that is obvious. And it makes perfect sense for someone to think their child will turn out better if they stay home or if they work. But that is not the agenda here.

[Anonymous]

AdequateParent wrote:

If someone noticed that a disproportionate number of kids of SAHM's that they came across were clingy and did not socialize well, then yes you bet I could see how that could influence someone's decision to work. Same goes for those who stay-at-home. Some people, such as the previous teachers have seen situations that led them to believe that kids do better having sahm's. That's how things go. Come on, most people have some sort of opinion about whether kids do better with a sah or working mom. Most people are well-mannered enough to keep it to themselves in polite conversation; but this is an anonymous internet thread involving a woman asking sahms their reason for doing so. So don't act shocked that your going to read some things that might burn a little if your a working mom. I would expect that if working moms were asked why they chose not to stay home, some of the reasons would be offensive to stay at home moms. Such is life. If your so easily offended then don't read a thread with a title that is almost 99.9% likely to have some view points your not going to like.

I hope that this does not sound offensive to anyone on whom I do not have a mad crush, but this PP is a goddess.

Seriously-- don't we all have opinions? I decided to leave the full-time, out-of-the-house workforce to be a consultant because I wanted to be there for my child after school but couldn't imagine myself as a stay at home mother. I come from traditional religious people who bashed me for working in the first place, and staying at home, in my neurotic opinion, meant letting them "win." I firmly believed that I had something to offer my child from 3:15 on (tough thing to say to a working mother who is doing right by her children without this added time) and I firmly believed that my sense of self couldn't withstand not working (possibly offensive to at-home parents with rich and interesting identities unrelated to paid careers). Plus I needed to make some money.

It all comes back to the one opinion I have that I truly believe isn't controversial: most of our options are less than perfect, albeit for different reasons. You give up something no matter what you do, and the question is whether what you manage to keep adds up to a good life. Whatever anyone else says, you made the right choice if you realize that you're lucky at least once per day.

I think when individuals feel lucky and blessed to be in the situation they are in, they don't bash other people, anonymous board or not. But that is just me, I could be wrong!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone posted the question, "What made you decide to Breastfeed". Should people feel that they can only give safe, non-offensive answers, such as "To save money" ?Some people feel that breastfeed babies bond stronger with their mothers (not me, btw). If that's a driving reason for them, should they not be able to say it in such a venue, for fear that they could offend the formula feeding lurkers?

There are studies which prove that BF is better and yields better results than FF.

There are no such studies for kids of SAHMs. On the contrary, a major study showed no difference in outcome.

[Anonymous]

PP here with links.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/30/AR2010073003762.html

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/children_shealth/7921052/Working-mothers-do-not-harm-their-children-study-finds.html

http://www.schoollibraryjournal.com/slj/home/886495-312/study_working_moms_dont_have.html.csp

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/03/working-moms-are-fine-for-kids/

http://www.suite101.com/content/working-moms-need-not-feel-guilty-a42841

[Anonymous]

More

http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-ofp-100410-lucas-thompson.pdf

And here's one for the teacher in this thread who claims children of SAHMs are better-adjusted - I suspect that's more about perception than about reality:

http://bigthink.com/ideas/20310

You can't compare BF/FF. Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone posted the question, "What made you decide to Breastfeed". Should people feel that they can only give safe, non-offensive answers, such as "To save money" ?Some people feel that breastfeed babies bond stronger with their mothers (not me, btw). If that's a driving reason for them, should they not be able to say it in such a venue, for fear that they could offend the formula feeding lurkers?

There are studies which prove that BF is better and yields better results than FF.

There are no such studies for kids of SAHMs. On the contrary, a major study showed no difference in outcome.

It might not make any difference in how successful a person is, or how much money they make or whatever other factors can be studied. But some things, like the kind of childhood memories a person makes with their at-home parent, the quality of life for the parent themselves, the quality of time spent with a sibling since the parent stays home, can't necessarily be quantified. I'm not saying that SAH parents are better parents or all children should have a SAH parent...but honestly, why is it controversial for me to say that I think I am a better caretaker for my children than a paid caregiver? I am their mom, and no one else has that qualification! I am so glad that I am making awesome memories with and for my two girls who are getting to spend their days together doing interesting things with a parent who loves them. And if anyone wants to judge me for that, so be it. You can't take it away from me so what you think doesn't really matter much!

[Anonymous]

Look you can find studies out there that will support whatever belief you want to defend. There are definitely studies that show children of sahms benefit in certain areas as well. And to be honest, a lot of people really don't care what studies say regardless. People tend to act on intuition, and for many women, their intuition tells them that their child would be better off being cared for by a loving mother than hired help.

[Anonymous]

The woman who keeps going on and on and on about how the teacher used the wrong words needs to just stop. We all get it. Go make some cookies with your kid or have a cup of tea and calm down, seriously. It's already grown tiresome and it's now bordering on psychotic.

[Anonymous]

And of course there are studies that show children of sahms have better outcomes. That's part of what drives the debate. Every few months there's some study that says one thing or another regarding this topic. One thing I have noticed is that it does seem to go in phases. For a while I was seeing a lot of favorable sahm studies, it does seem that lately most of the studies say there's no major difference, I suspect that the pendulum will keep swinging on this for quite awhile.