DD's precocious development driving a wedge between my mommy friends

[Anonymous]

I think your child sounds very sweet and you need to find new friends/ playgroup. people can be so competitive.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I've only read your original post and I few others ...

If I knew you, I'd be fascinated to observe her. I met a child like that, at a restaurant in Massachusetts, and it was extraordinary.

I wish you the best!

[Anonymous]

P.S. I remember meeting a highly verbal two year old and a bell went off and I thought to myself, I bet she's going to go to a top school. She's currently at an Ivy League college. So yes I do think highly verbal children can be gifted, of course there are other determinants.

Anyway, your social circle sounds kind of clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Then our baby started talking and doing everything sometimes years ahead of DSN and everything got weird. DS started reading when he was 3 and we ended up not even telling any in-laws. They eventually found out and we shared that he had just started to sound out words. You could tell it totally soured their moods for that day. How weird is that? I wish they were not so sensitive and were able to celebrate each child as an individual, but they can't. Luckily we only see them every couple of months. I have not found this atmosphere anywhere else, thank god.

Yes! This is totally what can happen. I have seen it.

Not with everyone, but definitely with some parents (and grandparents). It is really weird, and I think people who either don't have "advanced" kids, or who have non-neurotic, non-insecure friends and relatives-- just can't believe that it really happens.

[Anonymous]

OP: not sure if you have reaad the new groundbreaking book, Nuture Shock, but it details new research which actually shows that late bloomers end up being more like to have genius level IQ's and be very gifted. I agree that your daughter is hitting some developmental milestones earlier, but this may be a disadvantage to her later on in terms of overall IQ.

[Anonymous]

But OP never asked about her daughter's giftedness, or how to help her daughter make the best of her intelligence, or fit in with her peers. Those are all legitimate questions. I do not doubt that the OP's daughter is gifted, as she claims. However, the OP is griping about how some playgroup moms do not appear to be adequately noticing or commenting on the giftedness. My question is, why does OP care so much? If you don't like the playgroup, don't go to it. Or go, let your daughter have fun, and be secure enough not to worry about whether the other moms are acknowledging that she's advanced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Then our baby started talking and doing everything sometimes years ahead of DSN and everything got weird. DS started reading when he was 3 and we ended up not even telling any in-laws. They eventually found out and we shared that he had just started to sound out words. You could tell it totally soured their moods for that day. How weird is that? I wish they were not so sensitive and were able to celebrate each child as an individual, but they can't. Luckily we only see them every couple of months. I have not found this atmosphere anywhere else, thank god.

Yes! This is totally what can happen. I have seen it.

Not with everyone, but definitely with some parents (and grandparents). It is really weird, and I think people who either don't have "advanced" kids, or who have non-neurotic, non-insecure friends and relatives-- just can't believe that it really happens.

Yes, we all have dumb kids, relative to yours. Is that what you want to hear? I assume you're not OP. Instead you seem like the poster who is so wrapped up in your own specialness, due to the fact that your DC may be profoundly gifted, that there is no other possibility but that the rest of us are jealous of your kid. And of course, most important, we're all jealous of wonderful, lucky you.

My kids are what you call "advanced," and I have the test results to prove it. I'm just not out on a campaign to make myself special and everybody else and their kids inferior by comparison to me.

Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is funny how PPs have argued the Op's DD is not THAT advanced. But, the OP has said that she hasn't even begun to brag about her DD (which is kind of a brag right there, but I believe her.) And, if OP would start to really brag she would get dinged for that.

OP-If your daughter is speaking in near adult complexity before the age of 2 and is reading before the age of 3 she is gifted. Barring ilness or injury she will always be gifted. You don't have to accept this now, but this is the reality. Please don't reply to this thread anymore. This debate is a lose-lose.

PPs who like to say this child is not that advanced or that it will even out. Umm...these are truely the insecure words of parents of NT or SN children. You don't have to accept this now, but this is the reality.

There is also this misconception that these precocious toddlers are a result of drilling and torture. I think parents think this to make themselves feel better.

-Deb, 8 years spent in the gifted community, mom to profoundly gifted 14 year old. I have found the OPs words frighteningly refreshing. Yes, I have been there.

I have to respectfully disagree with this--not that gifted kids will become gifted older kids and adults, because they will; you are correct there. But I disagree that others' reactions are the result necessarily of dismissiveness or jealousy. I have a "profoundly gifted" DC as well (in MoCo magnet, 99.9 percentile on IQ tests--indeed DC even hit the scoring ceilings on most of the subtests, was reading at age three, teachers have repeatedly said DC is an intellectual outlier, etc., etc. etc. That said, I never expect my friends to comment on this, and certainly when DC was little, I would never have dreamed of being put-upon because I wasn't getting props for my DC's legitimate giftedness.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go another route with my reply.

If you're very curious about the dynamic among you and the other mums, you might just ask them. But doing so may require some delicacy on your part, as well as creating a very non-judgemental space for them to talk and you to just listen. No talking on your end (except to probe for better understanding of their POV), and certainly NEVER any defensiveness. You have to set the stage so that they know that you're mostly going to be silent, and if they ask you questions you can just say, oh, let's talk about that some other time. Right now I just want to hear from you, because I think it's important that I do so without processing my own thoughts quite yet.

Keep the questions open-ended and general enough so you're not immediately honing in on their opinions about your child's demonstrated cognitive development, so for example:

1. When we get together, what do I do that works for you?
2. What do I do that doesn't work for you?
3. How do you think other people would describe me?
4. Is there something about myself that you think would suprise me, or that I don't know?
5. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?

And then thank this person for their time, genuinely! Because whatever they tell you, you can use to learn about yourself. You don't have to agree (or disagree!) with anything they say... it's really just information gathering for you. Start with your closest friend, then move to the closest friend in this group, and expand to others in the group if you want. Recommend doing this one on one, rather than with multiple people simultaneously.

[Anonymous]

OP, please take 11/18 12:30's post as a warning. You don't want to become like her. I'm not saying you're there yet, and your child may indeed be gifted. But that PP exhibits a lot of the warning signs.

I have 2 kids in the gifted community she talks about, esp. magnets. I've seen lots of well-adjusted kids who are profoundly gifted, with well-adjusted parents. But take a few lessons from 12:30 and the minority of parents of gifted kids, and even a particular local blogger. First, your kid's giftedness isn't all about you. Second, making your kid's giftedness into a burden that only you understand is beyond irritating to other moms, including other moms of gifted kids like me. It's a challenge, but it's not a burden that entitled you to moan about your problems and then tell us we'll never understand. Third, if you ever catch yourself telling somebody who disagrees with you that their kid must just be normal (even worse, if you use pompous, field-specific jargon like SN to insult them), then not only have you gone around the bend in terms of your own self-centeredness, but you have also started to act irrationally because in fact you have no idea about the IQs of other posters' kids.

[Anonymous]

Fourth, if you make your kid's giftedness into a life-long whinge about how nobody understands you or your kid (eg, other moms are just jealous, or your kid's behavioral problems can be excused by profound giftedness) then you may possibly blind yourself to real problems. I can think of one case in particular where the mom defends the kid's bad behavior and lets herself be manipulated by said kid into some extreme accommodations. It's like watching a train wreck. Please, as you start this exciting, rewarding adventure, do a serious self-inventory about what your motives and goals are, and what's really important for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Pardon me for only skimming through NINE pages of these replies, but aren't playgroups ALSO supposed to be about the actual children playing?! Does your kid even enjoy this playgroup? Is she making friends? Do the other children like HER? Why is this all about you? If their moms don't like you, suck it up. You're supposed to be there for her social development, which is just as important as shouting the names of presidents. She needs social time with other kids so that, if she is as gifted as you say, she has social intelligence too.
FWIW, I hated playgroups for the same reasons stated here - they are artificial and awkward. But you seem to like the idea and that's cool too. Just make it about your kid and go find your own friends from another pool of people.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read all the comments, but I think it's wonderful to have such a gifted child! A tinge of reality though: one of the absolute smartest people I know (incredible memory, unbelievable and insatiable thirst for knowledge, versed in almost any scientific subject) is the manager of a big box store. So, you never know. Even if DD remains incredibly advanced, she might surprise you in ways you don't expect.

[Anonymous]

Who knew that I could have so much fun with my clothes on?

OP, thanks for the top-notch comedy without commercials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read all the comments, but I think it's wonderful to have such a gifted child! A tinge of reality though: one of the absolute smartest people I know (incredible memory, unbelievable and insatiable thirst for knowledge, versed in almost any scientific subject) is the manager of a big box store. So, you never know. Even if DD remains incredibly advanced, she might surprise you in ways you don't expect.

My cousin has an IQ of 180 and works retail and lives in his girl friends basement....he's in his 30's. He clearly is not living up to his potential. I mean this is fine, he doesn't owe it to the world to cure cancer or anything like that. But, you have to wonder when he lost the "spark" along the way and what could have been done differently to foster his love of learning.

I think the parent of the magnet kids who is talking about seeing a lot of well adjusted, gifted kids and parents is not getting the fact that these are the kids and parents who made it. These kids had their needs met and are living to their potential. The ones that didn't aren't in her circle....they are either coasting in mainstream classes watching the clock all day at best or at worst skipping school or dropping out. It's sad when any child isn't given the opportunity to meet their potential.