Husband can’t set a table and doesn’t care to learn how

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All adults (and teens and children over the age of 5) should be able to put a plate, a glass, a knife, a fork, a spoon and a napkin at the table. As long as it is generally neat looking, it is fine. It is a pretty basic task. I don't really get how you can mess it up.

I am sure that he puts these things on the table. Yet, OP maynot be liking how he does it.

My tip is that you should start with placing table mats for each person. It allows the "table setter" to have a visual clue of the boundary within which to set the table.

Also, do you want a jug of water for the whole table or should water be already filled in the glasses? Do you need glasses for milk etc?

It is all so subjective and cultural. Maybe you are eating in bowls with chopsticks?

I have a large lazy susan on my round table and the tablemats, condiments, cutlery holder and paper napkins are right there. And usually the table setting is happening at the time of eating. Places get passed along, water glasses get filled etc.

My ILs serve food buffet style. A stack of plates, cutlery, glasses, bowls of food - everything gets served on the center counter. You basically serve yourself and bring it to the table to eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Print this out and leave it near the table.

Wash 17 things for each person after each meal? I would rather stab them with a fork!

[Anonymous]

Food gets made in your house? LOL.

No. You do not need all this shit if you are slapping a slice of cheese between two slices of bread.

All this posturing as if y'all cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Food gets made in your house? LOL.

No. You do not need all this shit if you are slapping a slice of cheese between two slices of bread.

All this posturing as if y'all cook.

Everyone on DCUM eats crackers, cheese, salami, and grapes for dinner. No utensils or dishes necessary. Tres chuc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Nothing. No way to deal with DH. Mainly, because there is not too much need for proper table manners. You teach it to your kids. Also, you can print the place-settings on a piece of paper or table placement reference guide mats (on Amazon, Zazzle, Temu) and that let your kids and DH follow it. Usually the reference mats are too fussy.

I came from a 3rd-world country where proper "western" dining etiquette was a sign of education and upper-class behavior. I was aghast at the poor table manners that I saw in USA. One can argue that things were more egalitarian here and so no one needed to be posh or uppity. Still, I taught it to my kids and also followed some youtube table manners videos.

If this means a lot to you, then you need to have some simple structure and rules around your meal times, table settings etc. If most of the time you are getting take outs or eating while commuting from one EC activity to another - then what kind of table settings do you want?

Break down all the steps and processess of setting table, bringing food from kitchen to table, clean up, manners at the table etc. Maybe you want all this fuss only on Sundays or something.

So you are passing along indicia of your third world class insecurity along to your kids? Is that the great, important lesson here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

The thing about this stuff is it's usually part of a pattern of behavior. Of course no one's just going to leave their spouse over one thing like this, it's usually just the straw that breaks the camels back.

The whole "she left me because I left my dishes by the sink" problem.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Oh, let's quote the HuffPo from a decade ago as if that's convincing. The fact is that author failed as a husband, so why should I believe he ever understood?

I know women here think they want their husbands to do all the chores, but those women are quite mistaken. Women don't really want a man to split the chores: they want a successful man who doesn't need to do the chores.

I assume you also think women just love being told they don't really understand their own opinions? How's that one worked out for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Nothing. No way to deal with DH. Mainly, because there is not too much need for proper table manners. You teach it to your kids. Also, you can print the place-settings on a piece of paper or table placement reference guide mats (on Amazon, Zazzle, Temu) and that let your kids and DH follow it. Usually the reference mats are too fussy.

I came from a 3rd-world country where proper "western" dining etiquette was a sign of education and upper-class behavior. I was aghast at the poor table manners that I saw in USA. One can argue that things were more egalitarian here and so no one needed to be posh or uppity. Still, I taught it to my kids and also followed some youtube table manners videos.

If this means a lot to you, then you need to have some simple structure and rules around your meal times, table settings etc. If most of the time you are getting take outs or eating while commuting from one EC activity to another - then what kind of table settings do you want?

Break down all the steps and processess of setting table, bringing food from kitchen to table, clean up, manners at the table etc. Maybe you want all this fuss only on Sundays or something.

So you are passing along indicia of your third world class insecurity along to your kids? Is that the great, important lesson here?

The great important lesson for my kids is that there is no need to follow USA for anything. Use the resources available and move on. Majority of the people are not even college educated.

They are better off learning how to eat with chopsticks...IYKYK!!!

[Anonymous]

OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

[Anonymous]

Now what OP?
What’s the plan for your husband and marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table.

What did you expect?

Most adults would expect him to easily learn how to properly set a table, plates, cutlery and cups

Bfd. Learn it.

Once you learn it you don’t have to keep being retaught it or keep letting down others.

If this is your power and control move - not doing basic things correctly to piss off your loved ones- then get a divorce.

Or, pick your battles. You don't need to die on every hill.

Or divorce. Life’s too short to live with a messy idiot and pretend he’s not a messy idiot.

What a trivial reason to break up a family.

The thing about this stuff is it's usually part of a pattern of behavior. Of course no one's just going to leave their spouse over one thing like this, it's usually just the straw that breaks the camels back.

The whole "she left me because I left my dishes by the sink" problem.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Oh, let's quote the HuffPo from a decade ago as if that's convincing. The fact is that author failed as a husband, so why should I believe he ever understood?

I know women here think they want their husbands to do all the chores, but those women are quite mistaken. Women don't really want a man to split the chores: they want a successful man who doesn't need to do the chores.

That’s a book and website and ADHD man wrote. It’s widely cited in many places besides HuffPost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Print this out and leave it near the table.

Yes because there's no middle ground between setting the table for a formal dinner party and setting the table for a weeknight family dinner that requires a fork, knife, maybe a spoon, a napkin, a glass and a placemat if you use them. FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

Correct, the husband is opting out and if he checks out and opts out long enough, everyone will check out on him back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

The mil will know exactly what will happen…

[Anonymous]

I make between one and three dishes and have them sitting on the cooktop. Everyone gets their plate, takes what they want, gets a fork and something to drink and takes it to the table. The only thing I put on the table is cut up fruit in a bowl.
Does this bother my husband? Yes. He grew up in a family where the table was set and the meat-and-potato food was all plated and set before him by Mom. But he’s used to my ways and he’s certainly not going to start cooking and setting the table.
So I think if this matters to you, you’ll have to do it or teach your kids to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband does care about the task or about what matters to her. He could learn. As a PP pointed out, a 4YO could learn. And if his boss asked him to, he would get it right on the first try.

So the bad news is that the husband doesn't care enough to make minimal effort. The good news is that OP now knows this and can stop doing things that are important to him but not her.

And if she's worried about judgment from her in-laws or something, she can just explain: I realized I could do everything to a certain standard, which would mean I did everything, or I could just leave the manchild to his own devices, and you see the results before you.

It's almost like you're the author of all these idiotic "husband doesn't care about things I care about" posts so you can keep bleating this advice over and over again. Did you copy and paste this from the egg hunt thread?