Tips for dating with "niche looks" in my 40s

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Looking like Curtis Mayfield, are tattoos even visible on your skin?

Yes, they are black and gray American traditional so they are quite bold and “readable” even from a bit of a distance away.

Would be interesting to price out what a complete body suit removal would cost. Not going to remove them but iam curious how that would be priced is all.

Can I ask why you got the tattoos?

Sure. Saw some documentary’s about tattoos when I was growing up and my older brothers all had a couple of them. Once I got into BMX riding and the punk scene the folks that I was fans of / looked up to in those scenes were all heavily tattooed and I wanted to be like them. Got my first one, realized it was fun and was relatively rare especially in the black community I was raised in and it took off from there. Some of them have “meaning” but most of them are just ones where I liked the design whether it was funny or punny or I liked the classic designs and just kept getting them. Not super deep unfortunately.

Gently, you keep randomly emphasizing how different you are from other African Americans and it seems this is deliberate to some extent. There's something going on with you. Maybe a subconscious complex. It has probably affected your dating prospects because most successful relationships are intraracial. If you can't or won't look in the most obvious direction (at other African Americans), you're really killing your odds. I hope this doesn't sound racist.

No problem with dating black women. My early comment was about how the particular black women I had dated had pumped the brakes when they learned I wasn't religious, not that all black women only wanted to date religious men.

None of my brothers are married but they all have kids.

None of the tattoos are pin up girls. Now that I think about it a few of them are Japanese, so not just AmTrad.

So much worse.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think you are getting a lot of grief here OP.

You sound super cool and I would want to date you if I was 5 years younger.

I wonder if you actually want a relationship though? Are you lonely? Do you like sex? Do you see yourself ever living with anyone?

I feel like you do need to get past a lot of your initial pickiness (with the hobbies etc) and open yourself up to a wider range of types. The kind of woman who might value you might be very different, like a younger blue collar woman who wants stability. AND you should have kids with her because I am pretty sure you would love it and kids are awesome.

Also - I get the sense that you don’t feel much vulnerability. That to me means that you ought to out yourself more in the role of a caretaker in the relationship.

I’m really curious to know more about how you have related emotionally to other relationships- in your family and the shorter romantic relationships you have had.

No no no, OP should not have kids. He's said he doesn't have the patience for them, and he can barely tolerate a girlfriend's emotions. How do you think he'll respond when young children have meltdowns or get emotional over things he deems irrational? How's OP gonna react when he has to give up BMX because it's not a smart thing to do when you have a family depending on you?

Plus, even if he met his dream woman tomorrow, he'll be mid-40s before he has his first child. That's WAY too old. He'll be pushing 70 by the time the kid graduates college.

Well yes I would want to know more about what he means by not having patience. If he gets angry at his toddler niece and has a short temper, then no. But I see some hints that OP is the kind of guy who could really flourish as a dad because of the project-based aspect of dadding. Like the one dad with the tats and the baby in the carrier at the brew pub. OP likes projects and a baby is the ultimate project!

The more I think about this though the more I wonder if the answer might be to move. In DC OP probably sticks out a lot. In Oakland or Philly he would have much more of a tribe.

There's really nothing endearing about a grown man bringing a baby to a brew pub.

Also, it's a terrible idea to have children because you want a project. That kid will end up with SO many problems.

lol OK so your are no OP’s tribe.

Child rearing is the ultimate project. If you are not up for the project based aspect you should definitely NOT have a kid! OP enjoys making beef Wellington. He is not going to be making his wife he the default parent and clueless about his kid’s shoe size. He is dad material (should he find the right woman!)

Spoken like a Breeder Evangelist.
OP be true to yourself. I am the cooking class suggester. I knew early on I didn't want kids and now am older and still no regrets. To those eager to point out I may "die alone" well better than having kids to be my end of life caregivers or projects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are getting a lot of grief here OP.

You sound super cool and I would want to date you if I was 5 years younger.

I wonder if you actually want a relationship though? Are you lonely? Do you like sex? Do you see yourself ever living with anyone?

I feel like you do need to get past a lot of your initial pickiness (with the hobbies etc) and open yourself up to a wider range of types. The kind of woman who might value you might be very different, like a younger blue collar woman who wants stability. AND you should have kids with her because I am pretty sure you would love it and kids are awesome.

Also - I get the sense that you don’t feel much vulnerability. That to me means that you ought to out yourself more in the role of a caretaker in the relationship.

I’m really curious to know more about how you have related emotionally to other relationships- in your family and the shorter romantic relationships you have had.

No no no, OP should not have kids. He's said he doesn't have the patience for them, and he can barely tolerate a girlfriend's emotions. How do you think he'll respond when young children have meltdowns or get emotional over things he deems irrational? How's OP gonna react when he has to give up BMX because it's not a smart thing to do when you have a family depending on you?

Plus, even if he met his dream woman tomorrow, he'll be mid-40s before he has his first child. That's WAY too old. He'll be pushing 70 by the time the kid graduates college.

Well yes I would want to know more about what he means by not having patience. If he gets angry at his toddler niece and has a short temper, then no. But I see some hints that OP is the kind of guy who could really flourish as a dad because of the project-based aspect of dadding. Like the one dad with the tats and the baby in the carrier at the brew pub. OP likes projects and a baby is the ultimate project!

The more I think about this though the more I wonder if the answer might be to move. In DC OP probably sticks out a lot. In Oakland or Philly he would have much more of a tribe.

There's really nothing endearing about a grown man bringing a baby to a brew pub.

Also, it's a terrible idea to have children because you want a project. That kid will end up with SO many problems.

lol OK so your are no OP’s tribe.

Child rearing is the ultimate project. If you are not up for the project based aspect you should definitely NOT have a kid! OP enjoys making beef Wellington. He is not going to be making his wife he the default parent and clueless about his kid’s shoe size. He is dad material (should he find the right woman!)

Spoken like a Breeder Evangelist.
OP be true to yourself. I am the cooking class suggester. I knew early on I didn't want kids and now am older and still no regrets. To those eager to point out I may "die alone" well better than having kids to be my end of life caregivers or projects.

Gross. I would never push someone to have kids who didn’t want to but OP is on the fence not against it. I dgaf if you die alone.

[Anonymous]

I'd try JDate.

Half joking.

[Anonymous]

You are a fat little Jew

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the OP, but let's be real. "Niche looks" = Unattractive. You're going to have to find other people at your level or in your subculture.

[Anonymous]

Guys she is only 5'6??? I am 5'11 and a 5'6 woman is not gall at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys she is only 5'6??? I am 5'11 and a 5'6 woman is not gall at all.

Op is a man

[Anonymous]

Way too short-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tattoos are definitely a turnoff for the majority of women. Especially a lot of them.

+1

I have to agree 1000% w/this.

Tattoos are so not attractive on men, especially A LOT of tattoos.

I especially hate those arm tattoo “sleeves.” 🤮

I’m a guy with zero tattoos but this is strange to read. It seems like most young women like men with tattoos since it makes you look dangerous and masculine… however men do not like women with tattoos for this same reason.

Unfortunately too many young women these days are tatting up without realizing most guys think they look terrible on a woman’s body

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd try JDate.

Half joking.

Speaking as a Jewish person, a fully tatted non-Jewish guy in his 40’s into BMX bikes? We don’t want him. Sounds immature.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the constructive feedback folks. Specifically appreciate the story from the woman who met her husband at the restaurant. I'm not a big fan of cold approaching IRL but I guess that's what we've come to at this point in time. A good amount of comments seem like bait to try to get me to lash out. That being said, still appreciate folks being willing to reply here.

For the person suggesting I move to LA or Philly or Chitown, those are all great cities in their own right. I would probably be most likely to do Chicago or, even though it wasn't listed here, Richmond but trying to move my whole practice in that manner would likely prove difficult. Don't see moving as a first or second choice, but I will keep it in my back pocket.

Jdate suggestions: strangely enough, I had probably the second most success with Jewish women if my memory serves correct. By success, I mean a few months of dating/seeing each other.

I've seen one suggestion already to switch out BMX for road biking and if I was riding bikes purely for exercise then that would be a possibility, but the bunny hopping and the 360s down/up stuff are the fun parts so I'm going to keep at it. Completely understand that folks may find it "immature" and it may reduce my prospects but that's a ding I'm willing to take. I'm sure that there has to be someone out there for me similar to my friends that also ride and their spouses 100% support them in their hobby, even with kids.

As far as the actual dates themselves, I'm not flashy on them or anything. Hard to be flashy in a Prius in any case. Just a typical grabbing a drink or coffee for the first date or going for a walk and getting some ice cream if the weather is nice. If they progress then we'll do dinner or go check out some museums or go to an outdoor interactive light show or a variety of things along those lines. Art gallery openings are another good one that I enjoy and sometimes I'm fortunate enough to pick up some new art that I like.

My brothers relationships, or lack thereof: Well I'm not responsible for them deciding to not wrap it up, but thats the situation. Kind of strange in my opinion with our parents being together for so long that they decided to not mirror them in that regard but what are you going to do?

Yes, I know 5-6 is short for a guy. I'm not going to get a heightBBL so I don't see anything changing in that regard other than losing a few inches in height when I'm in my 70s so hopefully I'll be with someone by then. Otherwise this will be even more difficult than it is.

[Anonymous]

I’m someone who has been critical of you, especially because of the tattoos which I personally find repulsive, but I wanted to say that you do sound very emotionally stable and even nice in your responses. I think you’ll be able to find someone if you look in the right area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have been trying to date over the past few years and after a very very large number of rejections I bit the bullet and asked a couple of my friends what they thought was going on. To my surprise, all of the women said that I have "niche looks" meaning they thought that while I'm not "ugly", I'm not traditionally attractive for a guy. They don't think I'm the equivalent of Steve Buscemi or anything along those lines, but I'm no George Clooney or Patrick Dempsey either. This kind of makes sense because of my dating history in that over the past few years I've dated dozens of women with varying amounts of success. Some only wanted the first date, some lasted for 6 months, but that is the extent of it.

To provide a bit more context, I'm 5ft6in tall, very muscular and fit. My celebrity lookalike is Curtis Mayfield, but I cannot sing like him unfortunately . I own a condo in DC and I work as a partner at a boutique law firm in a finance practice. I have a fair amount of hobbies (obviously weightlifting/exercising, BMX bike riding, collecting tattoos, perfecting my beef wellington) and a solid friend list, and I have never heard from anyone that I'm "boring" but I'm not putting it past there being some sort of social defect as well that is preventing me from making a solid connection with someone. I provide that info not to brag or point out that I'm a catch but to establish that I have my life in order as a baseline. The women that I have dated have never brought up my "niche looks" but usually would tell me they just weren't feeling it and I did not want to pry or try to force them to come up with a "reason" for not wanting to continue to see me.

Do folks have any thoughts here, absent plastic surgery, that I could use to improve my dating life in this regard? Do I need a matchmaker? The vast majority of women that I've dated have come from online dating as I'm not one to approach in person IRL other than two one-offs over the years.

Bro, the fact that you posted here tells me everything.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys she is only 5'6??? I am 5'11 and a 5'6 woman is not gall at all.

Op is a man

Oops. That's rough then. But anyways it comes mes down to confidence. I'm 5'11 not tall at all and I don't think a 6 footer has a massive advantage over me.