Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

What is wrong with you??
No.
It is not OP’s responsibility to step in wherever XH falls short. Ever heard of weaponized incompetence? It sucks, but OP can make clear to the kids that when they are with Dad, it is his responsibility to take care of their needs.
Now, if there are a few items that the kids can bring from Mom’s to Dad’s in order to feel more at home, that makes sense. But not OP’s job to go in and snowplow everything.

Also:
1. A lot of dads ask for split or shared custody in order to reduce or avoid paying child support, not because they truly want to parent.
2. Men in general seem to have different ideas compared to women about what items are necessary for a house to be a home. “Decorating” is not required. Getting by with basics and choosing not to go to Pottery Barn and getting all the trendy stuff is not a failure. I would hope that the Dad will do some things to make the house more welcoming for the kids, but if he doesn’t, he will reap what he sows.

+100
OPs ex seems to fit this

We don’t know as no one here has seen him parent or talked to him. It’s just the normal anti men moms who want to cut the dads out for more money and grumble the dads do nothing when they aren’t allowed.

Huh? How dim are you? It's been over a month and he hasn't told them what room is theirs. He hasn't had them sleep over because he's failed to set up his home for them. No one is saying he "isn't allowed" to do his duty as a parent. Get over yourself.

This is not OPs fault. This is not womens' fault. This is not other moms' fault. This is HIS fault. This is HIS failure as a parent. Calling that out isn't anti-men. You sound delusional trying to defend this man.

I know it's not her job, but OP could send him a couple of references from interior designers. They could see the whole setup through and even meet the deliveries at the house.

Interior designers?!? The dad can take the kids to Bob/Ikea/Pottery Barn/whatever on Saturday morning. Have each kid pick out a bed and dresser and maybe a desk. Done.

Get air mattresses until furniture arrives. Buy closet hangers, toiletries, and toothbrushes. Done.

Literally nothing else is necessary. And there is no excuse whatsoever that this wasn’t done on his first day of custody much less a MONTh later. It’s sheer laziness.

Obviously, he can, but he hasn't done it yet, so if he doesn't want to do the work himself, he can easily throw money at the problem and hire someone to set up rooms for his kids. This is something DH would do if we ever divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

What is wrong with you??
No.
It is not OP’s responsibility to step in wherever XH falls short. Ever heard of weaponized incompetence? It sucks, but OP can make clear to the kids that when they are with Dad, it is his responsibility to take care of their needs.
Now, if there are a few items that the kids can bring from Mom’s to Dad’s in order to feel more at home, that makes sense. But not OP’s job to go in and snowplow everything.

Also:
1. A lot of dads ask for split or shared custody in order to reduce or avoid paying child support, not because they truly want to parent.
2. Men in general seem to have different ideas compared to women about what items are necessary for a house to be a home. “Decorating” is not required. Getting by with basics and choosing not to go to Pottery Barn and getting all the trendy stuff is not a failure. I would hope that the Dad will do some things to make the house more welcoming for the kids, but if he doesn’t, he will reap what he sows.

+100
OPs ex seems to fit this

We don’t know as no one here has seen him parent or talked to him. It’s just the normal anti men moms who want to cut the dads out for more money and grumble the dads do nothing when they aren’t allowed.

Huh? How dim are you? It's been over a month and he hasn't told them what room is theirs. He hasn't had them sleep over because he's failed to set up his home for them. No one is saying he "isn't allowed" to do his duty as a parent. Get over yourself.

This is not OPs fault. This is not womens' fault. This is not other moms' fault. This is HIS fault. This is HIS failure as a parent. Calling that out isn't anti-men. You sound delusional trying to defend this man.

I know it's not her job, but OP could send him a couple of references from interior designers. They could see the whole setup through and even meet the deliveries at the house.

Interior designers?!? The dad can take the kids to Bob/Ikea/Pottery Barn/whatever on Saturday morning. Have each kid pick out a bed and dresser and maybe a desk. Done.

Get air mattresses until furniture arrives. Buy closet hangers, toiletries, and toothbrushes. Done.

Literally nothing else is necessary. And there is no excuse whatsoever that this wasn’t done on his first day of custody much less a MONTh later. It’s sheer laziness.

Obviously, he can, but he hasn't done it yet, so if he doesn't want to do the work himself, he can easily throw money at the problem and hire someone to set up rooms for his kids. This is something DH would do if we ever divorced.

Are you planning a divorce as it’s interesting how much you post and follow this for being happily married.

[Anonymous]

Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

For the kids sake. You could have helped. This is pure cruel to the kids. Both of you are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

For the kids sake. You could have helped. This is pure cruel to the kids. Both of you are the problem.

Thanks for your input but it’s pretty hard to help a man who can’t even respond to a simple message of whether or not he wants to see his kids. If I’m going to push and use an attorney’s assistance to get communication from him it’s going to be about whether he is available to see our children next week, not about whether a bedroom theme should be Harry Potter or Hello Kitty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

For the kids sake. You could have helped. This is pure cruel to the kids. Both of you are the problem.

That is absurd. This is 100% his problem. She could and should NOT have done this for him. She doesn’t have keys to his home nor should she. Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

How do you know all these details?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

How do you know all these details?

3 kids, 2 of whom talk a lot when they’re anxious and wanted to offload all their feelings over the course of the past 2 days. If all of my kids were like my quiet one I would be in the dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

Some kind of sad divorce HGTV show, omg, lol.

I'm sorry. I would say, it doesn't bode well if he couldn't get his shit together for an official observation. I am also coparenting with an underdeveloped human. And like yours, they tell me all the really dumb things he does. At least they see him for what he is.

I try to have boundaries around my time and emotions, but I step in when my kids are the ones paying the price for his fails. It's a balancing act. In EMDR this week I focused on the fact that his constantly creating chaos is very stressful, but that I don't have to be hypervigilant scanning or it, because I always rise to the occasion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

Some kind of sad divorce HGTV show, omg, lol.

I'm sorry. I would say, it doesn't bode well if he couldn't get his shit together for an official observation. I am also coparenting with an underdeveloped human. And like yours, they tell me all the really dumb things he does. At least they see him for what he is.

I try to have boundaries around my time and emotions, but I step in when my kids are the ones paying the price for his fails. It's a balancing act. In EMDR this week I focused on the fact that his constantly creating chaos is very stressful, but that I don't have to be hypervigilant scanning or it, because I always rise to the occasion.

Not OP, but I am very curious how it works to try and use EMDR to process this kind of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

For the kids sake. You could have helped. This is pure cruel to the kids. Both of you are the problem.

Thanks for your input but it’s pretty hard to help a man who can’t even respond to a simple message of whether or not he wants to see his kids. If I’m going to push and use an attorney’s assistance to get communication from him it’s going to be about whether he is available to see our children next week, not about whether a bedroom theme should be Harry Potter or Hello Kitty.

Do a set schedule. Why all the drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

How do you know all these details?

3 kids, 2 of whom talk a lot when they’re anxious and wanted to offload all their feelings over the course of the past 2 days. If all of my kids were like my quiet one I would be in the dark.

So, instead of letting them be upset and uncomfortable why not do it for them and help get their rooms set up. Its not about him, its about them. Or, they are picking up on your feelings and hostility and internalizing it. Either way, make it better for them.

Twin fabric bed $114 (larger sizes too) - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Hillside-Square-Tufted-Upholstered-Twin-Platform-Bed-Light-Gray-Fabric/5322830208?filters=%5B%7B%22intent%22%3A%22fulfillmentIntent%22%2C%22values%22%3A%5B%22Delivery%22%5D%7D%5D

Mattress is $100-200

Really, it's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

How do you know all these details?

3 kids, 2 of whom talk a lot when they’re anxious and wanted to offload all their feelings over the course of the past 2 days. If all of my kids were like my quiet one I would be in the dark.

So, instead of letting them be upset and uncomfortable why not do it for them and help get their rooms set up. Its not about him, its about them. Or, they are picking up on your feelings and hostility and internalizing it. Either way, make it better for them.

Twin fabric bed $114 (larger sizes too) - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Hillside-Square-Tufted-Upholstered-Twin-Platform-Bed-Light-Gray-Fabric/5322830208?filters=%5B%7B%22intent%22%3A%22fulfillmentIntent%22%2C%22values%22%3A%5B%22Delivery%22%5D%7D%5D

Mattress is $100-200

Really, it's not that hard.

It's not her job to make sure her ex never does anything that makes her kids uncomfortable. It's her job to be a safe landing place for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

How do you know all these details?

3 kids, 2 of whom talk a lot when they’re anxious and wanted to offload all their feelings over the course of the past 2 days. If all of my kids were like my quiet one I would be in the dark.

So, instead of letting them be upset and uncomfortable why not do it for them and help get their rooms set up. Its not about him, its about them. Or, they are picking up on your feelings and hostility and internalizing it. Either way, make it better for them.

Twin fabric bed $114 (larger sizes too) - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Hillside-Square-Tufted-Upholstered-Twin-Platform-Bed-Light-Gray-Fabric/5322830208?filters=%5B%7B%22intent%22%3A%22fulfillmentIntent%22%2C%22values%22%3A%5B%22Delivery%22%5D%7D%5D

Mattress is $100-200

Really, it's not that hard.

Do you understand how divorce works? You can’t just go to someone else’s house, break in, and set up furniture. Safe to assume a man who has moved out and won’t set up space for his kids but is doing all kinds of legal stuff isn’t giving his STBX a spare key and a credit card and telling her to do her thing.

The guy I heard of like this wouldn’t even disclose his new address until ordered to by court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update: we are both undergoing home observations and the kids had to do theirs at their dad’s last week. Apparently he hadn’t changed or added anything. The kids were asked to give a house tour. One of them tried to show off the cool sink in the downstairs bathroom but hit the pantry and hall closet first, oops.

They got upstairs and the person conducting the observation questioned them when the youngest said “actually we don’t know which rooms are ours or if we have rooms”. Not sure what the response to that was or how the house was assessed.

I think that ultimately I’m being scrutinized closely and expected to have everything just-right at my house, and STBX is being given credit for having a house with a roof. Lesson learned.

Kids were disappointed because they thought that maybe they would have rooms all filled up with surprises in time for the observation like some kind of sad divorce HGTV show.

How do you know all these details?

3 kids, 2 of whom talk a lot when they’re anxious and wanted to offload all their feelings over the course of the past 2 days. If all of my kids were like my quiet one I would be in the dark.

So, instead of letting them be upset and uncomfortable why not do it for them and help get their rooms set up. Its not about him, its about them. Or, they are picking up on your feelings and hostility and internalizing it. Either way, make it better for them.

Twin fabric bed $114 (larger sizes too) - https://www.walmart.com/ip/Mainstays-Hillside-Square-Tufted-Upholstered-Twin-Platform-Bed-Light-Gray-Fabric/5322830208?filters=%5B%7B%22intent%22%3A%22fulfillmentIntent%22%2C%22values%22%3A%5B%22Delivery%22%5D%7D%5D

Mattress is $100-200

Really, it's not that hard.

Do you understand how divorce works? You can’t just go to someone else’s house, break in, and set up furniture. Safe to assume a man who has moved out and won’t set up space for his kids but is doing all kinds of legal stuff isn’t giving his STBX a spare key and a credit card and telling her to do her thing.

The guy I heard of like this wouldn’t even disclose his new address until ordered to by court.

Yes, I do but it’s about the kids not her or him. We aren’t talking about a random guy so stop making stuff up.