Why can’t men just…be better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in an affluent area. The guys around me seem good. I have two sons. Both are good looking, smart and athletic. All their friends are all good looking and will probably be good catches one day.

DH earns a seven figure income. His work is full of decent men. DH and I both attended top colleges and grad schools, both full of great men. The wives of these men are usually attractive and smart.

Dating is like musical chairs. One day you may not have a match if all the chairs get taken.

OMG, woman! Seriously, you don’t get it. “Good looking”, “smart”, “athletic”, “attractive” - your emphasis is all wrong and on the wrong things. You’re probably raising sexist a-holes. How about “caring”, “supportive”, “loving”, “kind”, “good decision makers”, “empathetic” - these qualities are in short supply, especially in men. There are plenty of successful men who would throw a friend under a bus to benefit themselves and then treat their women like commodities to be collected - women’s job it to cook clean and look after him, right?

So I have a unicorn of a husband who is an excellent provider, doting father and a strong role model for my boys. He is kind, supportive and trustworthy. I know I am lucky.

Provide some examples PP. Superlatives don’t cut it.

Do you work fulltime? Then you’d know that: show me don’t tell me. Basic due diligence. Skip the headline BS and go right to the examples that prove your headline. Or maybe they don’t….

NP here, but why on earth would the PP feel compelled, or even inclined, to demonstrate her husband's bona fides to you? It's apparently from your post that you'd go out of your way to pick apart anythign she says, anyway. She's happy with her husband. Deal with it.

Stupidity suits you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree about genes and peacetime. All those ADHD men out there who would have run off to war and gotten themselves killed are now at home, making kids, and now we are ending up with girls born with ADHD, which shouldn’t be happening at all!! How on earth is a family supposed to function if the mom has ADHD? Insanity.

What the ableist eff is this? I'm a single mom with ADHD and my household runs just fine, thanks. It's not the life-ending excuse or perpetual mediocrity pass y'all seem to make it. People with ADHD can develop habits and strategies that make it manageable. People who use it as a crutch, or expect others to put up with their bs "because they have ADHD" aren't suffering from ADHD. They're exhibiting a crippling case of ASS (Adult Selfishness Syndrome/Adult Stupidity Syndrome)

ADHD men were good at hunting, exploring, waging war. There's a reason it hasn't disappeared from the gene pool as it has its uses to society.

One trick ponies propped up by others so they can hyperfocus on only one thing or aspect of life?

What a luxury!

Be so incompetent at so many things that others do everything for you for free and you can go tinker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree about genes and peacetime. All those ADHD men out there who would have run off to war and gotten themselves killed are now at home, making kids, and now we are ending up with girls born with ADHD, which shouldn’t be happening at all!! How on earth is a family supposed to function if the mom has ADHD? Insanity.

What the ableist eff is this? I'm a single mom with ADHD and my household runs just fine, thanks. It's not the life-ending excuse or perpetual mediocrity pass y'all seem to make it. People with ADHD can develop habits and strategies that make it manageable. People who use it as a crutch, or expect others to put up with their bs "because they have ADHD" aren't suffering from ADHD. They're exhibiting a crippling case of ASS (Adult Selfishness Syndrome/Adult Stupidity Syndrome)

ADHD men were good at hunting, exploring, waging war. There's a reason it hasn't disappeared from the gene pool as it has its uses to society.

One trick ponies propped up by others so they can hyperfocus on only one thing or aspect of life?

What a luxury!

Be so incompetent at so many things that others do everything for you for free and you can go tinker.

You sound really angry. Maybe start working on yourself and you can find a stable man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree about genes and peacetime. All those ADHD men out there who would have run off to war and gotten themselves killed are now at home, making kids, and now we are ending up with girls born with ADHD, which shouldn’t be happening at all!! How on earth is a family supposed to function if the mom has ADHD? Insanity.

What the ableist eff is this? I'm a single mom with ADHD and my household runs just fine, thanks. It's not the life-ending excuse or perpetual mediocrity pass y'all seem to make it. People with ADHD can develop habits and strategies that make it manageable. People who use it as a crutch, or expect others to put up with their bs "because they have ADHD" aren't suffering from ADHD. They're exhibiting a crippling case of ASS (Adult Selfishness Syndrome/Adult Stupidity Syndrome)

ADHD men were good at hunting, exploring, waging war. There's a reason it hasn't disappeared from the gene pool as it has its uses to society.

One trick ponies propped up by others so they can hyperfocus on only one thing or aspect of life?

What a luxury!

Be so incompetent at so many things that others do everything for you for free and you can go tinker.

You sound really angry. Maybe start working on yourself and you can find a stable man.

Let's be real...there's no hope for that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree about genes and peacetime. All those ADHD men out there who would have run off to war and gotten themselves killed are now at home, making kids, and now we are ending up with girls born with ADHD, which shouldn’t be happening at all!! How on earth is a family supposed to function if the mom has ADHD? Insanity.

What the ableist eff is this? I'm a single mom with ADHD and my household runs just fine, thanks. It's not the life-ending excuse or perpetual mediocrity pass y'all seem to make it. People with ADHD can develop habits and strategies that make it manageable. People who use it as a crutch, or expect others to put up with their bs "because they have ADHD" aren't suffering from ADHD. They're exhibiting a crippling case of ASS (Adult Selfishness Syndrome/Adult Stupidity Syndrome)

ADHD men were good at hunting, exploring, waging war. There's a reason it hasn't disappeared from the gene pool as it has its uses to society.

One trick ponies propped up by others so they can hyperfocus on only one thing or aspect of life?

What a luxury!

Be so incompetent at so many things that others do everything for you for free and you can go tinker.

You are mean as eff. No one forced you to marry anyone. And divorce exist, so marriage is not a prison. Most people are doing the best they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree about genes and peacetime. All those ADHD men out there who would have run off to war and gotten themselves killed are now at home, making kids, and now we are ending up with girls born with ADHD, which shouldn’t be happening at all!! How on earth is a family supposed to function if the mom has ADHD? Insanity.

The mom doesn't think there's anything wrong with her kids who also have ASD/ADHD, because they are just like her.

Well, you are just a lovely person, aren’t you?

Too bad the name for what you are can’t be used on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women's self improvement does not increase their partner satisfaction outcomes, in fact it maybe inverse correlated because they naturally have higher standards.

Men frequently sacrifice their happiness for their family. Women often sacrifice their family for their happiness. That's what I think of when I hear prattle about "self-improvement."

So many divorces happen when some therapist tells a woman to "self-actualize." She goes out and "improves" herself. Meanwhile, the husband is grinding away, providing for his family. Then they divorce and she discovers he actually WASN'T the source of her unhappiness.

Happens all the time.

Really?

I know several divorced women and all are happier post divorce. The general feeling that I see is relief like a huge weight is lifted from their shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Why can’t women be better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women's self improvement does not increase their partner satisfaction outcomes, in fact it maybe inverse correlated because they naturally have higher standards.

Men frequently sacrifice their happiness for their family. Women often sacrifice their family for their happiness. That's what I think of when I hear prattle about "self-improvement."

So many divorces happen when some therapist tells a woman to "self-actualize." She goes out and "improves" herself. Meanwhile, the husband is grinding away, providing for his family. Then they divorce and she discovers he actually WASN'T the source of her unhappiness.

Happens all the time.

Really?

I know several divorced women and all are happier post divorce. The general feeling that I see is relief like a huge weight is lifted from their shoulders.

The divorced may or may not be better off. The children are the ones who suffer.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty funny that the other thread was apparently deemed offensive but not this one.

[Anonymous]

Here’s how you get a good one girls-

Be pretty, stay that way
GGG
Work hard
Agree on long and short term goals
Be a teammate
Put your marriage first, even in front of family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree about genes and peacetime. All those ADHD men out there who would have run off to war and gotten themselves killed are now at home, making kids, and now we are ending up with girls born with ADHD, which shouldn’t be happening at all!! How on earth is a family supposed to function if the mom has ADHD? Insanity.

What the ableist eff is this? I'm a single mom with ADHD and my household runs just fine, thanks. It's not the life-ending excuse or perpetual mediocrity pass y'all seem to make it. People with ADHD can develop habits and strategies that make it manageable. People who use it as a crutch, or expect others to put up with their bs "because they have ADHD" aren't suffering from ADHD. They're exhibiting a crippling case of ASS (Adult Selfishness Syndrome/Adult Stupidity Syndrome)

ADHD men were good at hunting, exploring, waging war. There's a reason it hasn't disappeared from the gene pool as it has its uses to society.

One trick ponies propped up by others so they can hyperfocus on only one thing or aspect of life?

What a luxury!

Be so incompetent at so many things that others do everything for you for free and you can go tinker.

They only focus on what's important to them, sounds like you weren't on that list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many relationship forum threads seem to devolve into the notion that “good” men (employed, functional) are rare - and I think we can all agree on that.

That being the case, why can’t men just…improve themselves? Dress better, aim higher, work harder, get out there?

What is stopping them??

Much more fun and easy to just focus on only yourself and do whatever you want, when you want. If someone else wants something or needs something, they can handle it themselves. Not my prob.

[Anonymous]

I guess I don’t see this in real life. My dh is all around amazing, as are our dads and our moms. I think the type A driven men just married the type A driven women.

I see equal opportunities for women to improve just the same as men. Women lean out of careers, they aren’t having sex anymore, they gained weight, etc. The men can do more chores and be more involved too.

[Anonymous]

I’m baffled by this whole thread and the overwhelming agreement that an employed, functional man is so rare.

I am a mid 50s divorced dad of two teenaged daughters with shared custody. I am employed and pretty well compensated while being actively involved in every aspect of both daughters lives.

I’m not perfect and I am always looking to do better. I don’t expect perfection in any partner.

I don’t know if this applies to another generation or not but I don’t believe I am a rare case.

What I have found in trying to date at this stage is many women who are always looking for something better. I’m sure women will say that applies to most men and it’s probably not a gender thing.

Not everyone is a good fit. But I have found so many people searching for that magic chemistry and dismissing people while complaining good men don’t exist or are rare. Relationships should be built and not be spontaneous with a stranger in a two hour interaction.