Why can’t men just…be better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, not a representative sample, but most of the men I know are good dads and spouses. We're talking about my kid's friends Dads, my coworkers, my husband's friends, my friend's husbands. There are exceptions, I do know some guys who can't hold down jobs and don't do housework, but they're the minority.

So I don't buy the premise that good men are rare. I think the internet just magnifies the worst stories and voices.

I agree. I also think some men take until their 30s to get good at all this stuff. The mid-20s sample is much more mixed. Maybe that's where a lot of the complaints come from?

[Anonymous]

A lot of guys seem to require a parade and a cheering section to do regular everyday things. My colleague who had to give a PRESENTATION at a CONFERENCE and his wife made such a big deal about it. He used it to get out of doing anything at home for months. Don’t bother Daddy. He’s working on his presentation. Meanwhile the average woman writes the report, gives the presentation, signs three kids up for summer camp and runs the Girl Scout troop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since women are so great, why do lesbian couples have the highest rates of divorce and gay couples have the lowest?

The reason for that is women tend to jump into relationships/move in together/get married quickly, while men are slower to commit, spend more time sleeping around, etc so if they’re willing to get married, they really want to get married.

Which isn’t a bad takeaway for women. Date around more, have more fun, be slower to commit, date multiple people for a long time to be 100% sure.

[Anonymous]

I love reading the Relationship Discussion forum. Never ceases to entertain!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many relationship forum threads seem to devolve into the notion that “good” men (employed, functional) are rare - and I think we can all agree on that. That being the case, why can’t men just…improve themselves? Dress better, aim higher, work harder, get out there? What is stopping them??

I dispute your premise. There must be something about you that is attracting bad men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women's self improvement does not increase their partner satisfaction outcomes, in fact it maybe inverse correlated because they naturally have higher standards.

Men frequently sacrifice their happiness for their family. Women often sacrifice their family for their happiness. That's what I think of when I hear prattle about "self-improvement."

So many divorces happen when some therapist tells a woman to "self-actualize." She goes out and "improves" herself. Meanwhile, the husband is grinding away, providing for his family. Then they divorce and she discovers he actually WASN'T the source of her unhappiness.

Happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many relationship forum threads seem to devolve into the notion that “good” men (employed, functional) are rare - and I think we can all agree on that. That being the case, why can’t men just…improve themselves? Dress better, aim higher, work harder, get out there? What is stopping them??

I dispute your premise. There must be something about you that is attracting bad men.

Or that is repulsive to "good" men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since women are so great, why do lesbian couples have the highest rates of divorce and gay couples have the lowest?

Maybe there is something wrong with lesbians in particular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are rare functional men. But the rest are just not up to our expectations-men are inferior to women. Once you accept this, everything is easier to navigate.

Men in general cannot multitask as well as women. They are good if you give them specific tasks and let them focus on that and don’t expect anything else. Go hunt, build, defend, play, etc. When you have a society that requires long range strategic thinking and communication skills and emotional intelligence, and the highest paying jobs are mental and not physical, women are clearly superior at those things. It’s only sexism and size that has held women back and now those things are improving.

I really think it comes down to some biological differences. Maybe men can't multitask well. Maybe men are more in the moment and spontaneous whereas women are more planners because when you are the smaller more vulnerable sex, you kind of have to plan. Spontaneity is not your friend. I think men also aren't as detail oriented and care less than women about a lot of details. And since men live with women, the women in their lives tend to take care of the details because it bothers the women more, so it makes men further inept on the details. Of course these are generalizations and you could always find a man who is more detail oriented than a woman etc.

I do think the sexes had their relative advantages back in the old days. In modern society, men have a rougher time. I think I read somewhere there are more men at the very time and more men at the very bottom of society, relative to women. Most women do ok, but not enough men are "okay".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think they just don’t know how.

I’m dating one of those rare men, and he had multiple great examples of functional men while he was growing up and throughout his 20s. So he picked up a lot. His dad was great, always gave 120% at home, was super romantic with mom, emotionally anvailable, etc. I don’t know any other man who had a dad like that. Most men I’ve known had either absent fathers or fathers who did the bare minimum.

So I’m sure many want to do better, but they don’t know how. Yes, they could “learn” on their own, but it’s hard to learn that stuff from a book or podcast.

Yeah, but they learn how to be jerks from podcasts, so why can’t it work the other way around?

Apparently for a brief moment in time Jordan Peterson was encouraging men to get off their butts and be better but then he went off the rails. I once read a comment from a man who was inspired to get out of his room, stop playing video games, etc. Etc. By Jordan Peterson.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, I see a good mix around me, with some men being more functional than their spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women's self improvement does not increase their partner satisfaction outcomes, in fact it maybe inverse correlated because they naturally have higher standards.

Men frequently sacrifice their happiness for their family. Women often sacrifice their family for their happiness. That's what I think of when I hear prattle about "self-improvement."

So many divorces happen when some therapist tells a woman to "self-actualize." She goes out and "improves" herself. Meanwhile, the husband is grinding away, providing for his family. Then they divorce and she discovers he actually WASN'T the source of her unhappiness.

Happens all the time.

😂😂😂. Who are we talking about here? Santa Claus??? 😂😂😂. Or like a figment of your imagination?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many relationship forum threads seem to devolve into the notion that “good” men (employed, functional) are rare - and I think we can all agree on that. That being the case, why can’t men just…improve themselves? Dress better, aim higher, work harder, get out there? What is stopping them??

Most threads about relationships on the internet are negative. People who are happy don’t post as much. So using that as your basis is flawed.

I disagree that functional men are rare. Your sample is skewed by who you know and associate with.

Aim higher, OP. Get out there into better circles.

Well said. It’s astonishing to me that so many posters seem to think all men are alike and all women too. Maybe if you have no friends, close family, or kids you don’t have the frame of reference to realize that people are all individuals with different wants, needs, and personalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of guys seem to require a parade and a cheering section to do regular everyday things. My colleague who had to give a PRESENTATION at a CONFERENCE and his wife made such a big deal about it. He used it to get out of doing anything at home for months. Don’t bother Daddy. He’s working on his presentation. Meanwhile the average woman writes the report, gives the presentation, signs three kids up for summer camp and runs the Girl Scout troop.

How would you know what his wife was saying for months at home?

The average man writes the report, gives the presentation, cooks the dinner, takes the kid to softball practice, pays the bill, cuts the grass, trims the hedges, schedules the dentist appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of guys seem to require a parade and a cheering section to do regular everyday things. My colleague who had to give a PRESENTATION at a CONFERENCE and his wife made such a big deal about it. He used it to get out of doing anything at home for months. Don’t bother Daddy. He’s working on his presentation. Meanwhile the average woman writes the report, gives the presentation, signs three kids up for summer camp and runs the Girl Scout troop.

How would you know what his wife was saying for months at home?

The average man writes the report, gives the presentation, cooks the dinner, takes the kid to softball practice, pays the bill, cuts the grass, trims the hedges, schedules the dentist appointment.

+1. Those sound like the men I know. I also found the line about Girl Scouts funny, because the recurring feature of the two troops I've had kids in is our inability to find women to volunteer for the roles that need a woman.