My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

+1. You should have discussed your child care plans and jobs they would have before you had kids if they were supposed to be part of the plan. Other than that-some grandparents ARE disengaged and that does suck. You want them to care so much/LIVE for their grandkids like some grandparents do. But not everyone is that way and sometimes that's not health either.

But you can't get blood from a stone, so change your expectations to what falls in line with their actual behaviour.

PS stop feeding your inlaws info/your verbals and/or non-verbals about your parents. They are feeding off that and are now also apparently acting entitled. They should just feel sneakily lucky that they don't have to share the grandkids- UNLESS they too actually want to be off the hook and DON'T actually want to have to be stepping up as much as they apparently have been.

I think you and DH may need to rethink how much you are having others help you out. Possibly assess your overspending if you are having an issue affording paid child care.

This comment has a lot of good information. It good be that the helpful in-laws feel a bit tired. Also good advice to not talk about your parents with them and just focus your love and help with them and make your interactions with your parents friendly but brief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.

The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.

OP called her parents useless because they are not taking care of her kids and giving her money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.

The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.

So you guys are defending the terrible grandparents? They didn’t even care when my kids were born? They literally came for 2 hours to take photos then left? Something is seriously wrong with people today if they think this is an acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.

The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.

OP called her parents useless because they are not taking care of her kids and giving her money.

No I called them useless for being terrible grandparents and not giving a crap about their grandkids. They stay at my house for 3 days, spend less than a hour a day with the grandkids, then leave for a weeklong vacation immediately after. They have plenty of time for weeklong vacations. Clearly the grandkids are an afterthought and they don’t care about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.

The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.

OP called her parents useless because they are not taking care of her kids and giving her money.

No I called them useless for being terrible grandparents and not giving a crap about their grandkids. They stay at my house for 3 days, spend less than a hour a day with the grandkids, then leave for a weeklong vacation immediately after. They have plenty of time for weeklong vacations. Clearly the grandkids are an afterthought and they don’t care about them.

Your own words: My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow under the impression that they are great grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP keep it real. You ONLY like those in laws more than your own parents as they’re paying your way.

Stop with the “ they insist” Gigs up User.

+1. OP is so transparent.

+1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need so much financial help

I don't need financial help, his parents are just insistent on providing help. They would be very upset if we did not accept it. We save 30%+ of our salary (not including retirement accounts). They don't let us pay for groceries, gave us a downpayment for our house, will pay off mortgage soon, put money in kids 529 accounts.

Did anyone not notice that this is not normal??? You're completely enmeshed and for some reason assume that this behavior is grandparent gold standard. I don't know anyone, and I mean anyone, whose parents/ ILs are paying for their groceries. It seems that your ILs are controlling everything about your life and for some reason you consider this normal. Your parents are fine. In fact I'd love if my parents/ILs went out to eat when they come to visit instead of sitting on the living room couch and expect to be served. If your ILs cook and change diapers, what are you doing?

We all contribute. They take care of the kids while we are working. They go out to eat because they are rude and wont eat the meals my ILs cook.

If you live with your in-laws, maybe your parents do not feel welcome and feel like outsiders when they visit. How often do you visit your parents at their house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need so much financial help

I don't need financial help, his parents are just insistent on providing help. They would be very upset if we did not accept it. We save 30%+ of our salary (not including retirement accounts). They don't let us pay for groceries, gave us a downpayment for our house, will pay off mortgage soon, put money in kids 529 accounts.

Did anyone not notice that this is not normal??? You're completely enmeshed and for some reason assume that this behavior is grandparent gold standard. I don't know anyone, and I mean anyone, whose parents/ ILs are paying for their groceries. It seems that your ILs are controlling everything about your life and for some reason you consider this normal. Your parents are fine. In fact I'd love if my parents/ILs went out to eat when they come to visit instead of sitting on the living room couch and expect to be served. If your ILs cook and change diapers, what are you doing?

We all contribute. They take care of the kids while we are working. They go out to eat because they are rude and wont eat the meals my ILs cook.

If you live with your in-laws, maybe your parents do not feel welcome and feel like outsiders when they visit. How often do you visit your parents at their house?

They bought a one bedroom house that doesn’t even have room for me and the kids to come visit.

[Anonymous]

OP you are an immature brat. Buck up and be an adult. Take care of your own kids. Your parents sound low key, living their retirement. They obviously love you and your kids or they wouldn’t visit. At some point they may stop, given you think they are not “useful” to you. I’m sure your attitude reeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

I am expecting too much of them to be involved or even care about my grandkids at all?? That seems like a very low bar. I was not expecting them to do everything for me, but they are not even making an effort at all. I cannot rely on them for literally anything and they have the nerve to suggest that I should spend money on a nanny when they can’t even come for the weekend (occasionally) to help out. Thats fine if they don’t have money to help out, but they should. criticize me for not spending 4K+ a month on childcare when they are unwilling to help.

GROW UP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are an immature brat. Buck up and be an adult. Take care of your own kids. Your parents sound low key, living their retirement. They obviously love you and your kids or they wouldn’t visit. At some point they may stop, given you think they are not “useful” to you. I’m sure your attitude reeks.

Really threatening OP with a good time here.

[Anonymous]

People do things for many reasons. Their coming does not mean love.

My guess is its their form of love but its a very passive form. Thats all they got and at least they don't have major problems.

[Anonymous]

And how are you showing love to your parents OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People do things for many reasons. Their coming does not mean love.

My guess is its their form of love but its a very passive form. Thats all they got and at least they don't have major problems.

Their reason is that they don’t care about the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are an immature brat. Buck up and be an adult. Take care of your own kids. Your parents sound low key, living their retirement. They obviously love you and your kids or they wouldn’t visit. At some point they may stop, given you think they are not “useful” to you. I’m sure your attitude reeks.

I really hope you don’t treat your own grandchildren like this. No wonder so many kids drop out of school, do drugs and hey pregnant here. People literally don’t care about their families at all and have no sense of responsibility for their kids. I have no attitude at them, I’m just frustrated they treat my kids like zoo animals. My grandparents helped them out all the time.