BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

If this were my brother, I would cancel the party and use that money to fly my family (including kids) to Australia to celebrate. During our time there we would have a birthday dinner. It would be fun.

If that is too expensive or kids don’t have enough vacation etc, I would send my husband. And I would take the lead on working to make FIL feel I involved. That could be figuring out live streaming ceremony, WhatsApp participation in toasts etc.

This is a great chance for a fun even either in person or remote. If you really are a military kid OP- you know how to do this. Distance doesn’t matter, connection does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this were my brother, I would cancel the party and use that money to fly my family (including kids) to Australia to celebrate. During our time there we would have a birthday dinner. It would be fun.

If that is too expensive or kids don’t have enough vacation etc, I would send my husband. And I would take the lead on working to make FIL feel I involved. That could be figuring out live streaming ceremony, WhatsApp participation in toasts etc.

This is a great chance for a fun even either in person or remote. If you really are a military kid OP- you know how to do this. Distance doesn’t matter, connection does.

Oh look it’s obnoxious BIL or doormat Sally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread about a grown woman who is pissed off that her BIL’s wedding conflicts with a birthday party she’s throwing for herself is still active?

Isn’t DCUM always braying about how an invitation is not a summons?

+1 and I think OP framed this as a dinner but it’s really about a full family visit this weekend with adult kids who have flights, time off, etc…it’s a family visit not just a dinner reservation. BIL has been engaged for years, this is bonkers to expect people to travel 16+ hours on 4 weeks notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

This is what I kept thinking too. It’s not about dinner, it’s about multiple other people canceling travel plans. I’m sorry, but with adult kids, my nuclear family is a higher priority to me than one of my siblings short notice second weddings literally halfway around the world. Travel and hotel and other arrangements to Australia will cost a fortune on such short notice. I don’t know if OP works but that’s short notice to take enough time off of work to justify the travel to Australia.

+1000. I can't believe people are giving OP a hard time because she isn't dropping everything to go to a wedding on the other side of the world with 4 weeks notice. I've never been invited to a wedding with less than 6 weeks notice even if it was around the corner! Honestly, I would have assumed he didn't really want people to come with such short notice. Truly obnoxious.

We are giving OP a hard time because her post is unnecessarily judgemental and snarky. She already knows she could simply say “sorry we already have immovable plans” but she proceeded to blab on about how important her birthday is, her kids are, a band, dinner reservations, BIL being on his 2nd marriage (gasp), not getting married in a cathedral, some BS about the bride thinking her wedding was important years ago and then not hurrying up and getting married on OPs “appropriate” timeline….. if OP wasn’t such a jackass in her original post she wouldn’t be getting this reaction.

I didn’t read that as OP being a jackass. I read it as the couple having a lot of time to plan a wedding around everyone’s schedules and just choosing not to.
And I also think that the OP would understand if the cathedral suddenly became available and her BIL decided to take it. But they aren’t even doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Thanks for all opinions, whether supportive or critical. Believe me, most of your POVs had already been swirling around in my head to try to come to a resolution that would make the least number of people unhappy.

To answer some questions, my son is not in the military - apologies if my use of the term posting order misled you, but I come from a military family and some terminology just sticks. His job does require short deployments (there I go again!) overseas.

I also apologise for the perceived snark. I like my BIL and his fiancee, but BIL has always gone for "drama", so in some ways springing a 4-week notice of a wedding on the other side of the world should have not come as a surprise. In normal circumstances we would have loved to have jetted off for the wedding, but it just seems a shame that in this instance the plans my DH relished putting together for me, especially our little family reunion, will have to be rethought and somehow reworked.

I am also saddened by how my BIL obviously influenced my FIL. We see FIL regularly and have a good relationship with him. My DH is a good and attentive son to him, whereas BIL is on the other side of the world and therefore has minimal involvement in FIL's care. For FIL to "take sides" against DH came as a shock to him, especially as FIL is not going to the wedding anyway.

And, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I now have the uncomfortable feeling of an element of misogyny within the family (BIL, FIL), where women should take second place to men (as in my celebrations being dismissed, and the fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding not being followed through).

Stop. I am a woman and calling you out for acting like a princess. I would never expect my children to fly in for my birthday and for anyone in my family to celebrate anyone’s birthday over anyone’s wedding. DH wasn’t even home on my birthday this year. I told him it was ridiculous to reschedule a work meeting and I’m as adult who didn’t need anything special. I went out to eat with one kid, since my other also had to work that evening. And that is fine!

You’re just salty that your kids don’t like you and OP’s love their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

This is what I kept thinking too. It’s not about dinner, it’s about multiple other people canceling travel plans. I’m sorry, but with adult kids, my nuclear family is a higher priority to me than one of my siblings short notice second weddings literally halfway around the world. Travel and hotel and other arrangements to Australia will cost a fortune on such short notice. I don’t know if OP works but that’s short notice to take enough time off of work to justify the travel to Australia.

+1000. I can't believe people are giving OP a hard time because she isn't dropping everything to go to a wedding on the other side of the world with 4 weeks notice. I've never been invited to a wedding with less than 6 weeks notice even if it was around the corner! Honestly, I would have assumed he didn't really want people to come with such short notice. Truly obnoxious.

I think that most of the people saying this:
- don’t have the disposable income or mobility to go to Australia, so they think that’s the only thing keeping them from going

- have never planned a party with a band, caterers, venue, invitations, so they don’t know how much cost and effort it’s been and what a pain it would be to cancel it.

- don’t have adult children or parents that they legitimately like and don’t get to see as often as they want to. So they don’t get why OP cares about seeing her adult son before he leaves.

OP’s FIL is probably all three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are focusing on the wrong thing, OP. Or rather, there are more issues here. Yes, I suppose you could cancel the party and he dinner and go to the wedding. If the wedding was in Baltimore, that would be the right discussion to have.

But it's in Australia. They expect you to fly to Australia on 4 weeks notice (apparently, because it worked with the schedule of another family member?). That's lunacy. The party/dinner is the icing on the cake.

Also, if it was so important to them to have you there, they should have (i) given more notice, and (ii) asked if you have any immovable conflicts on the proposed date.

I would have so little tolerance for this pressure I'd have to let someone else handle it, because I'd say something I'd regret.

This. I assume that the travel is the bigger issue than your party. And I say that as someone who travels a lot that 4 weeks notice for an Australia trip is a lot to ask. (Although I get your kid is getting deployed soon and it’s hard to change that date.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with a restaurant reservation. Geez, I hate the nasty do annyytthhing for family posters that ignore all the relevant info to demand attendance. Pound sand people!

OP’s son will only be in town briefly before being posted overseas! OP’s brother has already made travel plans to attend. Her other children may have made travel plans. They have a vacation planned and booked in advance for the following week.

In no world does an idiot announcing a wedding (let alone overseas), in four weeks mean that all those people cancel their plans, eat the costs of travel reservations and pay top dollar to get flights to Australia at the last minute.

This is what I kept thinking too. It’s not about dinner, it’s about multiple other people canceling travel plans. I’m sorry, but with adult kids, my nuclear family is a higher priority to me than one of my siblings short notice second weddings literally halfway around the world. Travel and hotel and other arrangements to Australia will cost a fortune on such short notice. I don’t know if OP works but that’s short notice to take enough time off of work to justify the travel to Australia.

+1000. I can't believe people are giving OP a hard time because she isn't dropping everything to go to a wedding on the other side of the world with 4 weeks notice. I've never been invited to a wedding with less than 6 weeks notice even if it was around the corner! Honestly, I would have assumed he didn't really want people to come with such short notice. Truly obnoxious.

I think that most of the people saying this:
- don’t have the disposable income or mobility to go to Australia, so they think that’s the only thing keeping them from going

- have never planned a party with a band, caterers, venue, invitations, so they don’t know how much cost and effort it’s been and what a pain it would be to cancel it.

- don’t have adult children or parents that they legitimately like and don’t get to see as often as they want to. So they don’t get why OP cares about seeing her adult son before he leaves.

OP’s FIL is probably all three.

OP has clarified that he is going for a short period of time, and will be coming back that weekend, it’s not before he leaves.

If she can afford to go to Australia she can probably also afford to visit him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are focusing on the wrong thing, OP. Or rather, there are more issues here. Yes, I suppose you could cancel the party and he dinner and go to the wedding. If the wedding was in Baltimore, that would be the right discussion to have.

But it's in Australia. They expect you to fly to Australia on 4 weeks notice (apparently, because it worked with the schedule of another family member?). That's lunacy. The party/dinner is the icing on the cake.

Also, if it was so important to them to have you there, they should have (i) given more notice, and (ii) asked if you have any immovable conflicts on the proposed date.

I would have so little tolerance for this pressure I'd have to let someone else handle it, because I'd say something I'd regret.

This. I assume that the travel is the bigger issue than your party. And I say that as someone who travels a lot that 4 weeks notice for an Australia trip is a lot to ask. (Although I get your kid is getting deployed soon and it’s hard to change that date.)

Her son is not being deployed. He is taking a short work trip.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like OP already came to this conclusion but my vote is for having the big party, DH goes to the wedding, and OP spends time with her kids as planned.

[Anonymous]

Wait so OPs kid is just going on a work trip and then will be back? I don't think she should cancel the party and honestly I think it would have been fine to skip the wedding. But holy hell, the dramatics from OP are so obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread about a grown woman who is pissed off that her BIL’s wedding conflicts with a birthday party she’s throwing for herself is still active?

Isn’t DCUM always braying about how an invitation is not a summons?

Except when it's in another country, then they insist "of course you go! Overseas travel on short notice is NBD, plebs"

[Anonymous]

OP, I would absolutely say no to this kind of trip.
You don't give people such a short notice for a wedding abroad ...

Send your husband if he really wants to go, otherwise you're fine.

I used to be a people pleaser/doormat and I would have given up everything to say "yes" and not hurt people.
They need a lesson, you're not at their beck and call.

[Anonymous]

Your DH should go. You will still see all your children together.

How many children do you have?

[Anonymous]

Australia is a horrendously long flight. I'm gearing up that MAYBE in my life, I will go. I will probably be retired and save up, and I'll try to combine with other one in a lifetime places like Tokyo or Vietnam.

Just to highlight that not everyone can be beckoned to Australia for any reason at all, never mind with 4 weeks notice with tons of other things going on in life. This summons is ridiculous.