The amount of people living subsidized by their parents is astounding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is unfair. Recognize it and get over it.

People are always going to complain about the unfairness of life. Recognize it and get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm over 50 and have never met anyone like this. What kind of loser would accept money from parents/family? It's not that hard to just get a job and pay your bills in the US, assuming you didn't have kids before finishing college.

Our kid has a job. A good one, and they live within their means. Which means they can afford their rent and all bills and still save for retirement. However, we are wealthy, so we have already started gifting them each year. Why? Because they have been maxing their IRA since they had income and now max both the IRA and 401K. We are wealthy enough that the Estate Tax will be an issue (and it will be an issue at the state level at just $2M).
But our philosophy is to give the money now where it makes a difference. So they have their education fully paid for, given a car at graduation, and they save all that we gift them in retirement or for a "first home" They know we will fund any future grandkids education as well.

But you are not a looser for using your family $$ to better your lifestyle. As long as our kids have a good job and are not living large we will continue to gift them

My family is the reverse. The kids with the good jobs don’t get help. The kids who struggle do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's very common in DC. We have a lot of friends who have similar incomes to us (we went to grad school together, work at the same or similar places, similar career trajectories) but they live in much bigger or nicer homes, send their kids to private, and vacation in much nicer, more exotic locations. It's all family money -- parents gifting hundreds of thousands for down payments, paying directly for school tuition, and "hosting" family vacations to the South Pacific, Europe, etc. Because their parents aren't literally paying their bills or mortgage or just giving them money for travel, they don't really think if it as being "supported" by parents. They don't realize how much more they'd need to budget if their parents weren't paying for all this. It's invisible to them.

Why on earth do you think this? You think your grad school friends are idiots? Of course they realize what they’re getting. Why wouldn’t they?

A lot of people will tout how they do things on their own and don't rely on their parents, because they don't literally have a trust or their parents aren't actually paying their mortgage. People will discount getting like 100k for a down payment because it's a one time gift and the money went straight from their parents to the bank, and they will discount in their minds how much that changes their finances compared to someone getting nothing. Same with private school tuition paid for by grandparents. They realize they are getting a benefit, but do not really conceptualize how big it is or the degree to which it moves them into another socioeconomic class. They'll still refer to themselves as "middle class" or UMC because their income is technically in that range, but they'll enjoy a much wealthier lifestyle.

And then they'll say things like "oh well we chose private because we just really value a certain educational environment" as though everyone has the option of "choosing private" and is all about values, not resources. Or they'll poo-poo a vacation to Florida or the Outer Banks as boring and unimaginative, conveniently forgetting that they haven't had to foot the full cost of a vacation in their adult lives.

So yeah, I think people in this situation often conveniently forget how fortunate they are.

Well those people are clueless. Our kids are well aware of what they get and the privilege of it. Most of their friends have student loans, are driving beater cars and still living like poor college kids (3-5 years out). Ours know they wouldn't be able to afford the vacations we all take if it wasn't a family trip. They are also frugal and don't waste money and actively save , save save.

[Anonymous]

Do others who get help from family also feel like it comes with strings and baggage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do others who get help from family also feel like it comes with strings and baggage?

A little bit. Not so much baggage as strings. The strings are mainly:

1) don’t be a douchebag or flaunt it and

2) you have a responsibility and expectation to keep it going for your kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of those people – my parents gift me the $36,000 max every year. Why do you care?

Everyone’s dealt a different hand in life. I have that annual gift but had issues with mental health in the past which mean that I’ll never work the type of jobs that pay more than $100-$150K per year.

You make it sound like that’s a bad salary. I have no mental issues, two degrees from elite colleges, and 20 years experience, and I’m at $143k. Some of us just pick do gooder jobs.

$36k is close to the national average salary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do others who get help from family also feel like it comes with strings and baggage?

Yes, that's why I stopped even taking a meal as my mom would throw it up to me for months. Or, there would be all kinds of drama with the one time a year she'd take out the kids (to a fast casual) and pay for it.

[Anonymous]

People hate it when you don't acknowledge the help you get from family and they hate it when you do acknowledge it. There is no winning in this circumstance. I have just accepted that getting family help makes other people mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do others who get help from family also feel like it comes with strings and baggage?

Yes. Parents definitely steer my choices with money. They are pretty wise, though. I don't regret most of the decisions they've steered me towards.

[Anonymous]

I'd rather spend my money on my family than anything else in this world. I only have two kids and they will not have children so why not make things easier especially in these uncertain times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People hate it when you don't acknowledge the help you get from family and they hate it when you do acknowledge it. There is no winning in this circumstance. I have just accepted that getting family help makes other people mad.

No, that's just not true. I've never had anyone begrudge the help I've gotten from parents, but the key is:

(1) Never lie about getting help from parents. Don't claim to have student loans if you don't. Don't act like you saved up the downpayment on your house if your parents provided all or most of it. Don't pretend you're paying your kids' private school tuition if it's actually your parents or in-laws. You don't have to volunteer any of this info (in fact, I wouldn't) but don't say things that make it sound like you are doing it alone. People will either find out or suspect you are lying and then you look like a total tool. If asked directly, answer honestly, but otherwise just steer clear of those subjects. Most people won't ask about your finances and those that do want an honest answer.

(2) Don't brag about stuff your parents gave you when you know it's not stuff everyone has access to. If your parents are springing for nice foreign vacations for the whole family or hosting you at their vacation home every summer or funding your kids' entire 529, don't brag about this like it's a promotion. If it comes up, just acknowledge honestly that your parents paid. Sometimes I might say, "yes, it was very fortunate -- we never would have been able to go on that trip if we had to pay for it ourselves." But I don't say "omg the Maldives are amazing, you have to go, I can't believe you haven't been" when you didn't even pay for it yourself.

I would actually also apply the above rules to anyone who marries into money. If you avoid lying or bragging, and just generally try to be matter of fact but also dont' bring up these issues yourself, most people are not going to to mad at you for it. They might envy you, but that's normal -- you have something enviable. But they won't hold it against you.

Wealthy parents should teach their kids how to deal with this situation but sadly we live in a country where a lot of rich people have no manners and don't understand how to navigate having money around people who don't. It's an etiquette issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost everywhere I go I meet people from wealthy families with lifestyles that wouldn’t be possible on their incomes alone. These are people who I run into completely randomly not from existing social or institutional connections which increases the perception that they’re everywhere. It’s super frustrating not coming from a family like this when you’re surrounded by so much generational wealth and privilege.

How do you know how much random people make? A lot of people make more money than you, a lot of people prioritize spending on different things than you do, etc.

[Anonymous]

Good for them! I wish we were so lucky!

[Anonymous]

If you are first generation rich, (we are), and hang with other families/people in your bracket, you quickly realize that family subsidization is the NORM for upper class families, not an outlier.

Criticizing (or even questioning it) is pretty gauche. Annual gifting/school tuition/down payments/ etc. is basically table stakes for most families.

It only gets weird if things are unevenly allocated...or someone's rehab money cuts into another kid's budget for a night nanny or vacation budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are first generation rich, (we are), and hang with other families/people in your bracket, you quickly realize that family subsidization is the NORM for upper class families, not an outlier.

Criticizing (or even questioning it) is pretty gauche. Annual gifting/school tuition/down payments/ etc. is basically table stakes for most families.

It only gets weird if things are unevenly allocated...or someone's rehab money cuts into another kid's budget for a night nanny or vacation budget.

It’s the norm in most families. Just because millionaires have more to give doesn’t mean other families aren’t also helping their children into adulthood.