Are my expectations for cross-country visits unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Is it that mist adult children are no better than toddlers and teens in their easily annoyed and self absorbed behavior when it comes to their parents? They tend to blame all of their life's past, present and future issues on their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you offer to pay for his airfare and know that he has adequate PTO, then it’s fair to ask why he visits rarely. Outside of that, yes, OP, that is unrealistic.

I just booked a cross country flight for February for work and it’s 1k for one person economy class. When I was 26, there was no way I could afford that.

What do you consider sufficiently “adequate” PTO for OP to be entitled to yearly or more visits?

1-2 weeks sick and Dr visits and other errands
1 week for themselves
1 week for mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you offer to pay for his airfare and know that he has adequate PTO, then it’s fair to ask why he visits rarely. Outside of that, yes, OP, that is unrealistic.

I just booked a cross country flight for February for work and it’s 1k for one person economy class. When I was 26, there was no way I could afford that.

What do you consider sufficiently “adequate” PTO for OP to be entitled to yearly or more visits?

1-2 weeks sick and Dr visits and other errands
1 week for themselves
1 week for mom

Lol! Mom doesn’t get 1 week of a 26 year old’s PTO. That is the type of entitlement thinking that breeds resentment. In general, people want to do things with and for the people who accept them for who they are, support them, and have no expectations of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP. I'm from Seattle and have been living on the east coast since college, for just over 20 years. I would try to visit once per year and occasionally would visit twice.

I don't think you understand what a burden it is to travel frequently from east to west. I generally had 2 weeks of vacation and one west coast trip was half my vacation time.

I also don't hear you making an effort. Why not visit him?

I agree with this, as the spouse of a former west coaster.

[Anonymous]

At that age I lived on the opposite coast from my parents and 2 flights away from them. I had 10 days of vacation time per year and at my second job I had to wait until they were fully accrued, I was past a 90 day probation, and I was in the calendar year after the year I started. So when I started in July, I couldn’t take days until January and I didn’t have access to all the days in that calendar year, only whatever fraction accumulated each pay period.

I was also in an office, but even now I am expected to be logged in until 5 pm on a Friday. To get to the airport after that meant an 8 pm flight at the earliest, and usually a 10 pm red eye and morning connection was more practical. And then I’d have to repeat it on Sunday morning if I didn’t have vacation days. It was a lot of work for 18 hours of visiting and my mom took it for granted. She was retired and could have easily visited me, but it was “such a hard trip.”

The few times my mom visited me, she would spend the first 1-2 days napping and complained about jet lag (east coast to west coast), and then once we had kids she would be frustrated that we couldn’t pull the kids from school or miss work to stay at home and hang out with her while she played on her iPad.

My mom was self-centered about visits so I slowly pulled away and visited less and less. I haven’t been to her city in 5 years. She can no longer easily travel and puts up a fuss about how no one visits her and never visited her. I think back to the frantic race to the airport on Thanksgiving Wednesdays, my tight young adult budget that was repeatedly broken because of limited and expensive flights to her city, and the frustration of not being able to join friends for weekends away or adventure because my mom expected that my vacation days were for her, and I feel so sad.

Nothing I do short of moving next door to her would have made her happy and I regret trying to please her at the expense of my own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your metal / security excuse is not valid. My mom in her 70s has a shoulder replacement and two hip replacements and mobility challenges. My MIL is an amputee with a prosthetic leg. I have been through the airport with both of them multiple times.

When I was 26, I had more money than time. Even when I technically had PTO, I didnt have the freedom to use it without guilt or a heavy workload when I returned - I was in the “paying dues” phase of my career.

Now I am a mom / wife / homeowner/ executive and my own mom will claim she can’t research a restaurant and make a reservation or make any plans. I am sure she would like to see us more often, but I am constantly juggling to get through the week. When I try to make plans and she claims she is “too busy” to think of something and plan it, I just don’t see her. She wants me to do the research, buy the ticket, host and serve dinner, etc. when she and my father are retired.

My mom’s excused are self-centered and lazy and so are yours OP. You need to discuss with your son what fits into his plans. Would he be willing to meet you at a middle point? Visit for a shorter period of time? Come visit - but work remotely part of the trip? Have you visit - but entertain yourselves during the day and hang out with him in the evenings after work?

You sound terrible. You have no clue how those challenges impact them and the pain they are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you offer to pay for his airfare and know that he has adequate PTO, then it’s fair to ask why he visits rarely. Outside of that, yes, OP, that is unrealistic.

I just booked a cross country flight for February for work and it’s 1k for one person economy class. When I was 26, there was no way I could afford that.

What do you consider sufficiently “adequate” PTO for OP to be entitled to yearly or more visits?

1-2 weeks sick and Dr visits and other errands
1 week for themselves
1 week for mom

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me that you simply prefer not to travel. Fine. But recognize that means you won't see your kid as much as you would like. You prefer to not face the discomfort of travel over actually seeing your child. Do you think your kid doesn't realize this?

My MIL is similar to you, OP. She lives within a 2 hour drive of us, but "doesn't drive" in places she's unfamiliar with. So it was up to us to go to her, or go pick her up and bring her to us. We visit a good bit, but not as much as she would like. We have offered to send a driver to her, but she won't "get in a car with a stranger". She could take a train to see us, but that's too scary, too. She has been retired since her 40s and has been this way for the entirety of the time I've known her (25+ years). She could have had a much closer relationship with her grandchildren had she overcome her discomfort and come visit us every once in a while. It's her loss and it is sad.

Don't be like her. If you have anxiety, get some therapy, pop a xanax, do whatever you need to do to get over it and go see your kid.

[Anonymous]

Plan to get together other than holiday periods. Cheaper, easier plane travel. Go to their town, get a room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

To clear up a couple of points. We have offered to pay for his airfare, but he hasn’t accepted. He is very independent and has never been willing to take money from us/others. He has a notebook of the 2-3 times we paid his rent during college (because he was broke). He keeps saying he wants to pay us back, but we haven’t let him because we don’t feel like he owes us anything.

I am able to fly to see him, we did do a big family trip to DC two years ago, and are currently planning another trip. However, thanks to a drunk driver, I have a significant amount of metal in my body that makes it hard to get through security.

I'm so sorry for you accident, but that is not a good reason not to fly to see your son who you say you are desperate to see.

Figure out how to make it better to get through airport security - do you need to bring a doctors note? Go an hour earlier to the airport? Figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Your child is young and still trying to figure life out...

I think you should visit him..and stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

NP here. We assume the relationship with our adult children now is more like peers. Only we are empty nesters with more time and more disposable income. We travel to them more than they travel to us. We always stay in a hotel.

When they were in college out of state, we traveled to them and got to know their new area. Made memories in their area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your metal / security excuse is not valid. My mom in her 70s has a shoulder replacement and two hip replacements and mobility challenges. My MIL is an amputee with a prosthetic leg. I have been through the airport with both of them multiple times.

When I was 26, I had more money than time. Even when I technically had PTO, I didnt have the freedom to use it without guilt or a heavy workload when I returned - I was in the “paying dues” phase of my career.

Now I am a mom / wife / homeowner/ executive and my own mom will claim she can’t research a restaurant and make a reservation or make any plans. I am sure she would like to see us more often, but I am constantly juggling to get through the week. When I try to make plans and she claims she is “too busy” to think of something and plan it, I just don’t see her. She wants me to do the research, buy the ticket, host and serve dinner, etc. when she and my father are retired.

My mom’s excused are self-centered and lazy and so are yours OP. You need to discuss with your son what fits into his plans. Would he be willing to meet you at a middle point? Visit for a shorter period of time? Come visit - but work remotely part of the trip? Have you visit - but entertain yourselves during the day and hang out with him in the evenings after work?

You sound terrible. You have no clue how those challenges impact them and the pain they are in.

I’m sorry you feel that way. Fortunately my parents and my in laws don’t agree. Thankfully I have a family and married into a family where people of all generations try to do what works best for everyone.

When I was working 60+ hours a week in my 20s, my parents came to visit me and were happy to spend time hanging our at the laundromat or getting groceries in addition to more fun things because they knew how little free time I had. When my spouse and I were in our early 30s, before we had kids, we visited our parents for all holidays. When we had babies and toddlers, our newly retired parents came to see us because it was easier for them to travel. Now our kids are old enough to travel easily and we go to see the grandparents again.

I used to take the bait when my mom expected me to decide the menu for a holiday (that she is hosting) or make all the plans for our visit (to her town). Now I just tell her I can’t take on that mental load and I need her to make some decisions - and that we will go along with whatever she decides. It’s a running joke that grandparents are in on that “they are soooooo busy that we wonder how they ever had time to work”. They know and have accepted that sometimes we’re drowning with young kids and demanding jobs and we can’t take on the mental load of planning for them. When they need help researching cataract surgery, I have time, but weighing the pros and cons of 4 brunch options? Nope. They can pick one and call themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. We assume the relationship with our adult children now is more like peers. Only we are empty nesters with more time and more disposable income. We travel to them more than they travel to us. We always stay in a hotel.

When they were in college out of state, we traveled to them and got to know their new area. Made memories in their area.

+1 though we’re just in our college era. But, will absolutely fly out as much as we can = several x/year. I’m already planning to fly to the west coast early in the year to see DS because it will be longest spell not seeing him. I moved from west coast to east and it’s PITA to fly, but that’s life.

[Anonymous]

OP I am the double TKR person with DH with cervical hardware on 9 vertebrae.
TSA does not need or use doctor notes. Think about it.
They are looking for weapons, explosives, precursors, guns, gun parts
They have seen every kind of hardware and body imaginable
They have discreet cards you can print from the website and state your issue requiring special screening if you don't want strangers hearing.
You can X or email TSA Cares to discuss.
You can go a bit early to the airport.
If you wanted to fly it would seem more doable. But hey go see the kid. Maybe travel will become more positive.