Are my expectations for cross-country visits unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Yes, you’re being unreasonable and it’s likely only going to get worse from here.

Chances are that you child is going to end up dating/marrying someone not from Seattle and so his limited vacation time is going to be increasingly split between couples vacations, visiting her family, weddings or other get togethers with friends, and eventually creating family memories with their own kids.

If you have an adult child living across the country and are unwilling or unable to be the one to travel to see them you have to accept that yearly visits are likely not going to be on the table.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered the possibility he does not care for your company?

[Anonymous]

He thinks you are capable of coming to visit him, but simply prefer him to come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He thinks you are capable of coming to visit him, but simply prefer him to come to you.

+1


Do you work? Does he? Who has more leave? Who is pressuring who to spend more time together?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he just doesn't want to.

You need to be really aware of how little vacation time people have at that age, especially if they are in the private sector. And how he wants to date and spend time with friends. And how horrifically time-consuming other people's weddings can be.

[Anonymous]

I moved to SF from NY after college. In those lean early years I think I usually went home for Christmas but that may have been it. I didn’t have alot of money or vacation time, and I was young and doing things with friends.

If you really want to see him, I’d make an effort to travel to him at least once a year. Seems fair to share the load.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try inviting him to visit outside peak holiday times / times of the year when there is little risk of cross-country flight schedules getting snarled up in foul midwestern weather. Not every year but a longer trip every few years.

[Anonymous]

It's a good argument to say that he takes other flights. Getting to Seattle from DC is a pain and really time-consuming, it's like a whole day vanishes out of your life. And you know it's a pain-- that's why you've chosen not to do it, right?

Pressuring him to blow off his extended family is not a good thing for you to do. So what if he did choose his cousin? Maybe he wants to spend time with his extended family. Weddings are efficient, you see a ton of people in one trip.

It's called the empty nest for a reason. This can be a hard thing to adjust to, but less visits to home is a normal part of young adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 26 year old DS graduated college 4 years ago and found a job in the DC area (thus why I am positing here). We live (and he grew up) on the west coast. This wasn’t a surprise, he had wanted to move east once he graduated, and in his field there always was more opportunities for him on the east coast then the West Coast.

I’m frustrated because in the three and a half years he has been in the DC area, he has flown back to the west coast twice, one of those times for a family wedding (so it was less of a relaxed visit). My sister and law (and family) live around two hours away from DC, so he has been joining in on their festivities for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc, which I definitely appreciate, but I can’t feel like he could be making a better effort at visiting more regularly.

I know that it is expensive and can be challenging to fly cross country, and I would be understanding if I felt he could not make it, but it feels like he is specifically choosing to to visit. Last year he flew to a family reunion for my husband’s family, and just recently he flew to the wedding of my husband’s nephew (his cousin). Especially that last one feels hurtful, because it feels like he had to have chosen to go to the wedding rather then visiting us for Christmas, made worse by the fact he admitted he wasn’t super close with his cousin and wasn’t expecting an invitation.

My husband feels like I have unrealistic expectations of him visiting at least once a year when he is across the country, but my husband also attended both the family reunion and the wedding, and took a trip to the DC area around a year ago to visit our son and other family, so he has seen him three more times then me. I have never been a good traveler, and have some medical issues that cause traveling, especially by air, a challenge. We all went to visit him in person the first year he was out there, but it isn’t realistic for us to visit him more regularly.

So, my question is whether I am being unreasonable like my husband thinks? And should I bring it up to my son?

For the record, my son can afford to fly out (and has admitted it), and if he couldn’t, we would absolutely help him financially.

Why do you say he "had to have chosen"? You're imagining a binary choice, but why? Was the wedding literally on Christmas?

It could be you're putting religious pressure on him so he's avoiding that. Clearly you do feel he owes it to you for some reason.

It could be that he thinks it's on you to travel since you want to see him. I've never been a good traveler either, but that doesn't mean I get to demand people come to me. If I want to see people, it's my job to suck it up and travel. I think you're disappointed that he's far away and want us to tell you he's mistreating you. But I think this is really normal for his age and you're taking it way too personally.

[Anonymous]

Get a sleeper car on Amtrak and go see him. Make a trial move closer to him. But start with a no judgment convo and just tell him you love him, miss him, and would like to see him more. Ask him what would work for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a sleeper car on Amtrak and go see him. Make a trial move closer to him. But start with a no judgment convo and just tell him you love him, miss him, and would like to see him more. Ask him what would work for him.

Definitely don’t do this unless 1. he has expressly and repeatedly stated a desire for you to live closer to him and 2. you are confident that he will not be moving cities again within the next decade or so

[Anonymous]

Can you cook?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

To clear up a couple of points. We have offered to pay for his airfare, but he hasn’t accepted. He is very independent and has never been willing to take money from us/others. He has a notebook of the 2-3 times we paid his rent during college (because he was broke). He keeps saying he wants to pay us back, but we haven’t let him because we don’t feel like he owes us anything.

I am able to fly to see him, we did do a big family trip to DC two years ago, and are currently planning another trip. However, thanks to a drunk driver, I have a significant amount of metal in my body that makes it hard to get through security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 26 year old DS graduated college 4 years ago and found a job in the DC area (thus why I am positing here). We live (and he grew up) on the west coast. This wasn’t a surprise, he had wanted to move east once he graduated, and in his field there always was more opportunities for him on the east coast then the West Coast.

I’m frustrated because in the three and a half years he has been in the DC area, he has flown back to the west coast twice, one of those times for a family wedding (so it was less of a relaxed visit). My sister and law (and family) live around two hours away from DC, so he has been joining in on their festivities for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc, which I definitely appreciate, but I can’t feel like he could be making a better effort at visiting more regularly.

I know that it is expensive and can be challenging to fly cross country, and I would be understanding if I felt he could not make it, but it feels like he is specifically choosing to to visit. Last year he flew to a family reunion for my husband’s family, and just recently he flew to the wedding of my husband’s nephew (his cousin). Especially that last one feels hurtful, because it feels like he had to have chosen to go to the wedding rather then visiting us for Christmas, made worse by the fact he admitted he wasn’t super close with his cousin and wasn’t expecting an invitation.

My husband feels like I have unrealistic expectations of him visiting at least once a year when he is across the country, but my husband also attended both the family reunion and the wedding, and took a trip to the DC area around a year ago to visit our son and other family, so he has seen him three more times then me. I have never been a good traveler, and have some medical issues that cause traveling, especially by air, a challenge. We all went to visit him in person the first year he was out there, but it isn’t realistic for us to visit him more regularly.

So, my question is whether I am being unreasonable like my husband thinks? And should I bring it up to my son?

For the record, my son can afford to fly out (and has admitted it), and if he couldn’t, we would absolutely help him financially.

Why do you say he "had to have chosen"? You're imagining a binary choice, but why? Was the wedding literally on Christmas?

It could be you're putting religious pressure on him so he's avoiding that. Clearly you do feel he owes it to you for some reason.

It could be that he thinks it's on you to travel since you want to see him. I've never been a good traveler either, but that doesn't mean I get to demand people come to me. If I want to see people, it's my job to suck it up and travel. I think you're disappointed that he's far away and want us to tell you he's mistreating you. But I think this is really normal for his age and you're taking it way too personally.

I say he has to have chosen based on how close the two events are. His reason for not visiting over the holidays is that he just got back a month ago from a trip and is tired of flying for a while.

I’m actually not religious, so not really putting religious pressure on him. It’s just that the holidays are generally when people visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

To clear up a couple of points. We have offered to pay for his airfare, but he hasn’t accepted. He is very independent and has never been willing to take money from us/others. He has a notebook of the 2-3 times we paid his rent during college (because he was broke). He keeps saying he wants to pay us back, but we haven’t let him because we don’t feel like he owes us anything.

I am able to fly to see him, we did do a big family trip to DC two years ago, and are currently planning another trip. However, thanks to a drunk driver, I have a significant amount of metal in my body that makes it hard to get through security.

I call BS. My kid with medical devices has a ton to bring through security with special pat downs and it's NBD. Get a card from your doctor, done. Or get pre Check.